In the Shadows - chapter 4

oooooooooooooooo

Kara sat in hack, steaming. Not to mention the lovely headache her approaching sobriety was bringing. She couldn't believe Lee had actually done this to her. There was no mirror in her cell, but she was pretty certain there was steam coming out her ears.

She was clinging desperately to her anger because whenever she let it slip, there was such a desolately empty and lonely place inside - the place that Lee used to fill with his friendship and laughter, teasing and banter. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she was horribly lonely without him in her life. So she chose to be angry with him instead. And there was much to be angry about, at least in Kara's mind. She was angry about everything - even including the shooting - she even almost managed to convince herself it was his fault for jumping in front of the kidnapper, after all, he should have known, should have sensed what she was going to do. He was Apollo, she was Starbuck - they were a team, one always complementing the other.

But the thing that angered her most was his desertion. The fact that he'd completely ditched her once he began seeing Dee. Kara knew that for some people a romantic relationship consumed them and left no room for anything else, but she'd always figured Lee wasn't one of those types. No matter what else happened, they'd stayed close and she'd always expected that that friendship would sustain anything. Obviously she'd presumed too much. The tears pricked her eyes. NO! Mad, angry - that was what she had to be - tears were just not allowed. She had no tears to spare on Lee Adama anymore. He didn't care about her, why should she care about him?

ooooooooooooooooo

Lee paced back and forth across the bunkroom as he had for the last quarter of an hour.

"She's in hack again?" Dee asked, smirking.

"When isn't she?" Lee countered, voice like ice. For some reason he just couldn't seem to let go of his anger at her. She was just so ... irritating! Insubordinate, difficult, foul-mouthed ... and yet so much a part of him it frightened him sometimes.

Dee shrugged. "Oh well, she'll get over it. It's not like she isn't used to spending time there."

"Yeah, but she shouldn't be getting herself in trouble so much. What the hell is wrong with her?" He shook his head in frustration.

"It doesn't matter," she said, putting her arms around him.

"Yes it does!" he flared.

Dee pulled away as if stung. Instantly he felt bad.

"I'm sorry Dee, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you." He gathered her into his arms and hugged her tightly, resting his chin on top of her head. "I'm sorry, I just don't know why she affects me this way."

"She's your friend, of course you're worried about her," she said.

"Don't know why I should be - she drives me crazy." He sighed.

"I know. That's what I'm here for - to drive you un-crazy."

"Un-crazy?" Lee smirked.

"It's a word," she said defensively, smiling just a little. "You've never heard of it?"

"Never." He kissed the top of her head. "You're cute.

"Just cute?"

"Not just ..." His lips found hers and they kissed briefly.

"Fun as this is, I've got to be on duty shortly," she said softly.

"All good things ..."

" ... will return." She leaned up and kissed him goodbye. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah." Lee sat on his bunk as she left, dropping his head into his hands. Kara, what are you doing to me? Why do you plague me the way you do? He sighed. Why can't I get you out of my mind - and my heart?

ooooooooooooooooo

Adama stood, watching Kara do push ups in her cell - her usual way of entertaining herself when captive. She didn't seem to notice he was there.

"Hey stranger," he said softly, breaking her concentration.

She stopped and lifted her head, seeing him for the first time. "Admiral," she murmured, picking herself up off the floor and wiping the sweat off her brow.

"May I come in?"

"Of course," she answered, a small smile lighting her face. He was always the soul of politeness. No wonder Lee is such a tightass - he comes by it honestly!

They sat side by side, silently, for several minutes.

"What's going on with you Kara?" he asked gently.

She was about to answer with her usual smart-ass type remark, but instinctively knew he wouldn't appreciate it.

"I ... I ... I'm really not sure," she said honestly.

He took her hand and squeezed it.

"It's about Lee, isn't it?"

She exhaled softly, then nodded. "Yeah."

"He's alive Kara - you didn't kill him." Adama turned his head to face her, and was slightly shocked at the naked pain there.

Her eyes filled with tears. "But I almost killed him. What if I had? How could I live with that?" Her voice broke at the end and she involuntarily put a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that was fighting to get out.

"But you didn't. Let's not borrow trouble, okay? Lee is fine, and I'm sure he doesn't blame you for what happened."

"i wouldn't be so sure about that," she whispered. "He hates me."

Adama smiled at her sympathetically. "I'm sure that's not true."

"He won't even speak to me!" she choked out.

"Well, your relationship has always been difficult, hasn't it?"

"Difficult I can handle, this isn't a relationship at all! He's treating me like I'm not even there."

"Kara, you have to understand this is difficult for him too. I know you're hurting," he squeezed her hand, "But he's hurting too. That's twice he's been a hair's breadth away from death in the last couple of months, and I think it's left him feeling a little lost - a little scared. Facing your own mortality is a tough thing to do, and I think sometimes you and Lee feel a little bit invincible - Apollo and Starbuck - heroes of the fleet - always come home no matter how bad the circumstances. He's just had a cold, hard dose of reality and it's left him in a tough place."

"I understand that, but ..."

He held up a hand to stop her from speaking. "Lee is afraid and angry, and he doesn't know how to deal with those emotions. He's familiar with how it feels to be angry with you, and so I think perhaps he's transferring some of those feelings onto you."

Kara looked lost.

"You'll have to be patient with him and let him work some of these things through for himself. You know he won't stay angry with you for long - he always comes back to you."

She smiled sadly. "I need him ... he's ..."

"I know," he said comfortingly. "Try to be patient - all will work itself out right in the end."

But though she tried to appear confident while he was there, inside she was falling apart. The tears came after he'd left, and again that empty feeling inside consumed her. Please Lee, come back - I need you. I never realized how much I need you ... you're my rock.

ooooooooooooooo

Helo strode down the corridor to the ready room, where he'd been told Apollo was at the moment. He wasn't sure exactly what he was going to say to him, but he knew he had to say something. Kara was hurting and he couldn't stand to see that. He'd watched her nearly self-destruct when she'd first come to Galactica, after Zack died, and she was certainly well on her way back down that path now. What is it about the Adamas that makes her crazy? he wondered, shaking his head.

He walked in to find Lee cleaning up the table and putting his papers away.

"Apollo, you got a minute?"

"Sure Helo, what's up?" Lee glanced at his watch. He only had ten minutes before he needed to be on the flight deck.

"We need to talk about Kara."

Lee's eyes narrowed - this was not a subject he wanted to discuss - with anyone. "Helo, I ..." he began, but Helo was no idiot. He wasn't about to let Apollo worm his way out of this.

"You're hurting her."

"She's the one who shot me!" Lee protested angrily. "Don't you think that counts as hurting someone?"

"It was an accident for frak's sake! Surely you know she'd never hurt you on purpose!" he nearly shouted.

"Maybe so ... and then again maybe not. Kara has a way of hurting everyone around her. I'm tired of being the one she always hurts."

Helo glared at him. "What a piece of work you are. I thought you were her friend. She thought you were her friend," he spat out angrily. "No wonder she's hurting - you've turned your back on her completely, just when she needs you the most."

"She needs me? She's the one who nearly killed me! And she never even had the grace to come see me in Lifestation and apologize!"

"How do you suppose she feels about that? Imagine you shot your best friend and nearly killed him. How easy would it be for you to face him and apologize? Cut her some slack will you? She needs you to be understanding."

"Everyone cuts her too much slack, that's why she gets away with what she does. It's time she grew up and faced real life. There are consequences for her actions and she needs to learn to be responsible." Lee hefted his clipboard under his arm. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go. I'm on duty in a few minutes."

He stalked past Helo, out into the corridor towards the flight deck. He was angry with Helo for bringing this subject back into the forefront of his mind, but he had to concede Helo did have a point. The shooting had been an accident, and Kara was obviously feeling guilty about it. So what am I supposed to do about that? he wondered. She has a way of frakking everything up - she's already taken away my brother and caused me to nearly lose my father. Now she's almost taken my life - when is it going to stop? And he made a decision right then and there. It stops now. I'm not going to let Kara Thrace frak up my life anymore. She is officially out of my life for good.

TBC