Trigger warning for this chapter: panic attack & anxiety.
CHAPTER 4: Hide And Seek
When the twins arrived back home in the evening, neither Gumi or John were in the house. Rin assumed they were at work and for a split second felt bad for them: they had to take the part-time jobs to get themselves some pocket money whereas she and Len didn't have to worry about finances. At least for the time being. She wasn't sure how much money they had exactly, but as long as the number had more than five digits, she didn't feel any pressure. Besides, they were still receiving royalties for their old songs played on radios back home or because they were featured on a Vocaloid album that someone bought. For the first few months after the group split, those number have rocketed, but Len – who was more responsible about their financial situation than she ever was – mentioned they were beginning to drop again the longer the Vocaloids didn't exist.
Now, Rin wasn't knowledgeable enough to be able to tell what those royalties would do in the future. Worst case scenario, she and Len would be forgotten one day, and that would have been the moment they'd have to have other sources of income to support themselves. For her, that was a little more pressure to really knock it out of the park with her project.
Len stayed downstairs in the living room to do homework on his laptop while she came upstairs to hide in her bedroom. Ah, yes, her project. As soon as Rin's thoughts wandered this direction, it all inevitably came back to Lily again like it has been since the other day. What was it that made the twin so... Obsessed with her? Would that be the right term? She'd known the guys in the band for months and she never spent that much time thinking about them.
Maybe it was the mild shock that Lily was a girl? Rin splattered on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She'd been caught completely off guard, unprepared for this... sort of ethereal, fairy-looking young woman to appear in front of her, self-consciously, and yet with some sort of natural grace that she might not have been even aware of. She was cute. Rin couldn't find a better word for it. Lily's lack of assertivity was kind of adorable to her and she had a feeling there was more to her than she – Lily – put out.
So why on Earth was the twin so disturbed by her at the same time? Even though she was compelled, something else was telling her to steer clear from Lily like she was something forbidden, and Rin had zero clue what that could mean.
Like she told Len before: at the end of the day, she felt the bass player was exactly who the band needed and in accepting her in the project, Rin was willing to put aside her personal feelings and see what happens with the music. Also, it was good that they didn't have to look any further than that – although the band's live premiere wasn't due for another few months, it wasn't getting any further away either, and the possibility of struggling to find a replacement for Tom for way too long would have been scarier than Lily's presence.
I should practice, she thought to herself. But I'm gonna need some tea first. For a minute, she struggled to get up on her feet. While she was preoccupied with her thoughts, the sky outside turned darker. The mattress felt so comforting and Rin could just slip into a coma and not wake up for a good week... But dehydration was kicking her out of the bed and with it, some sense of responsibility. Green tea would help relax her vocal cords as well as her mind, hopefully at least. The actual singing might do the rest.
And so, Rin groaned and forced herself to stand up. Beginning to hum basic scales softly, she stomped down the stairs and did her best to put on a happy face for her brother.
"Lenny!" she shouted from the hall. The kitchen was to the right, but Len was on the left in the living room. "I'm making tea, want some?"
"Yes please!" he shouted back.
While she was waiting for the water to boil, Rin continued her vocal warm-up. Eventually, the humming turned into aahs and oohs, and she spontaneously began to sing The Lost One's Weeping, an old Vocaloid song. It was one of the few songs that stuck with her through the transitioning years because it tackled a serious issue as opposed to talking about candy or remote controls. Sadly, when she got to the chorus, she realised she was no longer able to hit the high notes she once could. Everybody talks about how boys' voices drop with age, but her vocal range has also unfairly shifted since she was a kid. Meh, she thought: as long as it helped her sound more mature, she wasn't complaining.
"Here you go," Rin said to Len two minutes later when she approached him with a cup of tea. The living room was the blankest space in the house – just white walls, a big sofa and two plain chairs, a table and a TV which she wasn't even sure if any of them had used since they moved in. Because the room was so empty there was a soft echo all the time. If Gumi were to do that friendly concert Len was suggesting earlier, this room would've been perfect for it.
The twin brother was sitting on a chair, his back turned towards the window, with a laptop on the table in front of him. "Thanks," he replied when she placed the cup next to him. "Will you look at this?"
Rin looked at the screen and she immediately almost freaked out – she thought she was looking at a photo of Lily. At second glance, it was just another gorgeous looking blonde lady.
"Huh. What about her?" she asked, forcing herself to calm down after that initial shock.
"We're supposed to edit this. Look what it looked like before," Len explained and tapped on his touchpad a few times. The picture now looked less vibrant, the contrast got toned down, and the woman didn't pop out of the background quite as much.
"Ah. That's like magic to me." Rin studied the photo more carefully. "At least you know what you're doing."
"And hey, that was pretty cool back there," her brother said with regards to her singing in the kitchen before. "That brings back memories."
"Good ones, or bad ones?"
"Dunno. It's nostalgic."
"Aw." She took a step behind him and softly wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Inadvertently, she recalled yet another memory from the Vocaloid era – Luka, probably the most reasonable person in the group and somewhat of a big sister to Rin, used to give her these exact hugs. The twin found it sweet and nurturing and, in the present day, made her suddenly miss Luka and her protective nature. This far from home, she thought, she couldn't rely on someone else to simply hug her and tell her everything would be okay anymore.
"You know what I like? You're still the same cuddlebug you always were," said Len and placed his hands on her forearms that were draped around him.
"Mm-hm," she simply replied. "When's the last time you spoke to our old pals? I think it'd be good to catch up."
"I'm kind of in touch with Kaito, that means I'm also kind of in touch with Luka. We send each other birthday wishes and stuff, that's pretty much it. They're doing good as far as I know."
Rin pulled away, moved her feet towards the sofa and laid down again. "You know, I've been shipping those two before Kaito even started hooking up with Miku for those few weeks. That was almost a year in advance."
"Congrats. Few people have their ships actually happen IRL."
"I just wonder if Kaito's gonna propose anytime soon. I mean, fuck, they've been together for five years and even before that they were basically a married couple."
"Do you think we'd be invited to the wedding?"
"God, I hope so! Not being invited to a wedding is like saying fuck you, we don't want you to be a part of our lives."
Len gave her a reproachful look. "You may be reading too much into it."
"Yeah yeah. I just wish we'd all stayed friends, but that's hard to do with us at the other side of the globe."
"Sometimes even people who are close to you only belong in a particular chapter of your life. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." Len paused, waiting for his sister to say something. When she didn't, he added: "You still got me. And you got Gumi and John, and you have your band. That's a new chapter being written right now. You can't be re-reading the old ones forever if you want to finish the story."
Rin sighed. "You're turning into a smartass, bro, and I can't tell if I hate it or love it."
"Let's go with 'love it' then, huh?" he said with a cheeky grin.
The twins went silent. Len came back to his editing and Rin simply laid there on her back, with one hand on her belly and the other one underneath her head. She was so very tired, her brother's presence made her feel safe and the sofa was so soft and cozy. She knew she should come back to her exercises, but what could it hurt to close her eyes for just a few minutes?
Rin encapsulated herself in darkness. The soft clicking and tapping of Len's computer slowly faded away until it was a barely audible white noise a few miles away...
...all of a sudden, she was standing in a huge, deformed hall with white walls and a staircase leading upwards. She knew this place by heart: this was Ichiro's place. There were tons of familiar faces all around, though Rin couldn't pinpoint any of them to a particular name. And there, right in front of her, stood Ichiro, her first boyfriend from five years ago. Upon seeing him, the twin immediately felt a blood rush in her face and a strong affection, just as strong as it used to be back then. Nobody seemed to be paying attention to them which, according to her, was certainly a good thing.
"Great party, isn't it?" Ichiro asked.
Rin blinked and played with her hair. "Um. Yeah. What about the snacks?"
He took a step forward and said: "I could have you as a snack." This was, of course, a dream; otherwise, the twin would have dubbed this the lamest, most awkward twelve-year-old pickup line one could possibly come up with. But because she wasn't lucid, she only giggled at the notion.
The scene changed a little: they might have still been in the hall, but everything around them became blurry. She and Ichiro were now kneeling on top of a bed, facing each other. Rin gulped as she felt his hands on her hips.
"Does this seem familiar?" she asked him.
"Of course it does," said Ichiro. "It's already happened."
Her point of view nearly pulled back into third person and she watched the boy pull her in and kiss her. She felt butterflies in her stomach and responded to the new situation with another kiss, and then again and again. She could feel Ichiro all around her as if he was touching all of her body parts at once, and she craved it so much...
And then, right as Rin's view was suddenly thrown back into her own eyes, she came to her senses. The figure in front of her rolled around, away from her – and it wasn't Ichiro anymore. The dark hair turned pale and long, two suspicious bumps grew on their chest, and there was an almost sadistic smile with which Lily looked directly at her.
"Did I come off too strong?" the bass player spoke up. The twin flinched: all around them, the people were clearly visible again, and she heard mocking chuckles from all directions.
Rin wanted to shout, but it came out in a form of a meek yelp: "Go away!"
Lily's demeanor instantly changed: she looked... hurt? And then, everything went dark, with the suddenly teary-eyed blond girl being the last thing Rin saw..
"Wait!" she exclaimed – or tried to, anyway. She opened her mouth, but the single syllable turned into a sad, almost painful moan. Ichiro's house wasn't there anymore and she woke up back in her own place on the familiar sofa.
It took Rin a moment to piece reality back together. The room was dark and, judging by the reflection of light she could see through the archway, at least one lamp was on in the kitchen. Len wasn't there anymore and neither was anybody else, but someone – probably her brother – had covered her with a blanket while she was asleep.
Anxious to admit to herself she wasn't dreaming anymore, Rin didn't want to move an inch. However, as the memories of her dream were playing back in her mind, she began to shiver, her muscles flexing and relaxing rapidly on their own. The twin had to curl into a ball, covered her head with the blanket and closed her eyes. It didn't help: tears burst through her eyelids and she started sobbing quietly. It felt as though her entire body was crying with her as it was desperately trying to release all the tension and fear she'd gathered in her mind.
Focus, dumbass, she scolded herself. This wasn't new: she began having panic attacks soon after moving here. At times it seemed like a fair trade for being able to keep it together in public for so long. Other times, Rin could only pity herself and think how unfair it was that she had to go through this.
Breathe. The twin proceeded to take deep breaths; her breathing was short and her heartbeat fast and furious to the point she imagined her heart would be smashed into liquid if it kept banging against her ribs like that. It took a good minute or two, but focusing on her air intake, she eventually calmed down to the point where her brain could leave the fight or flight mode and Rin could start to think more clearly.
Now she could hear snippets of conversation in the kitchen: she recognised the voices of her brother and Gumi. They talked about something quietly and he was probably unleashing his charm because the green-haired girl kept giggling. It was uncanny how the world around Rin was utterly oblivious to what she'd been going through.
What the hell even was that? She could see why the part with Ichiro happened. That was a paraphrase of something that actually went down one evening when the boy, at the time dating Rin, hosted a party at his parents' place. He took her upstairs to his room and they were about to do it before being rudely interrupted by her brother. Fortunately for her, Ichiro was subsequently so unbelievably bitter about it that it made her see him in a new light and realise he had only been interested in getting lucky with her all along. They officially broke up shortly after that.
They had history. But Lily? Was she just making out with her in the dream? That made no sense. But then, if it didn't... How come Rin actually liked it?
She didn't wake up because Lily scared her. She woke up because she enjoyed it, and that was frightening.
Among all her thoughts at that moment, one word screamed at Rin louder than the rest: Fuck.
No. She couldn't possibly like a girl, that was nonsense. She's only ever dated boys, hell, she's only ever slept with boys, too. Why would it have to be any different than what she was used to? Not to mention she'd only known Lily for a day and they spent a grand total of three hours in the same room. That just... That just didn't add up at all.
And what would everybody think? If Rin did like girls, she'd be forever branded as the weird one. People would laugh just like they did in the dream. She could live without that, she wanted to live without that. When everything she was doing right now was so fragile and uncertain, she wouldn't want to give them a reason to devaluate her.
All in all, it would be better to ignore whatever was happening and let it fade away in silence. It was just an unnecessary complication, and she would prove it to herself.
Tom was the first name that occurred to her. Rin suspected he would've never told her 'no.' As soon as she gets to her phone, she'll have to text him and ask him to hang out, hopefully he'll take the hint.
Eventually, she decided to stand up. She recalled the untouched cup of tea she left in the kitchen, initially to grab it once she was done talking to Len and take it to her room. Rin threw the blanket over her shoulders and walked, legs as heavy as zombie's, across the hall to meet her brother and Gumi.
"Good morning, sunshine!" Meg greeted her without missing a beat.
"Hrmph. What time is it?"
Len looked at his phone. "Nine sixteen."
"Ugh, don't tell me I was out for three hours!"
Gumi was sitting on top of the kitchen counter – she certainly was light enough to do so without worry – and had a big glass in her hand, about halfway filled with a sparkling green-yellow substance. The empty bottle of cider next to her was telling. The twin brother, leaning against the wall next to Gumi, was holding that same glass as well.
"Looks like you needed it," he simply remarked. Rin realised she may or may not have tear marks on her cheeks from before, walked towards the kitchen sink and promptly splashed some cool water on her face.
"Whose blanket is this, by the way?" she asked before reaching out for a towel to dry herself.
Gumi flashed her teeth at her. "Oh, that's mine. I thought you might get cold."
"Were you watching me in my sleep?" Rin said jokingly.
"You know it!"
"Well then, here's your blanket, you creep!" And before Meg could react, the twin threw the blanket over her head and torso.
"This is actually quite comfy," Gumi's voice spoke from underneath. Len stepped forward and began poking into the blanket; high-pitched squeaks answered him and the blanket moved around wildly as she apparently tried to smack the boy's hands away. "Hey, careful about the cider!"
"Not my problem," he replied, to which Meg reacted by lifting one side of her cover and trapping Len under it with her.
"What're you gonna do now?" she taunted.
Rin, feeling like a third wheel once again, thought for sure this would have been a great opportunity for her brother to steal a kiss. Instead, he chose to hug-attack the green girl and, judging by the sounds she made in response, wasn't far from splitting her in half.
"Careful, brother. We all prefer her alive," she remarked. "I'm going upstairs. Might go back to sleep. I feel like shit."
"Are you sick?" Gumi asked, still in an embrace with Len.
Rin finally grabbed her cold tea. "Nah, not that kind of sick. Just haven't been sleeping well these last few days. Good night, kids."
"I hope she's okay," said Len in the dim light of their cover when his sister's footsteps went silent upstairs. "She has a lot to worry about."
Gumi set down her glass which she somehow managed to hold onto until that point. She used her free hand to ruffle his hair. "It's funny, Rin and I have kinda the same goal. But she takes it a whole lot more seriously."
"You don't take your music seriously?"
"Meh. I like doing it and I'm proud of it. That's all I care about." She connected her hands behind the twin's neck and looked at him with a risen eyebrow. "Among other things."
