In the Shadows - chapter 6

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Lee immediately began CPR on Kara, thanking the gods that it was part of their mandatory training and that they'd done a refresher course very recently. As he leant down to listen to her chest, he spied the empty pill bottle on the floor.

"Frak!" he swore under his breath. "Dee!" he yelled, reaching over for the bottle. He threw it at her. "Get to Lifestation - show this to Cottle!"

She took off at a dead run, and Lee checked once again to see if his CPR was working. No luck. He picked Kara up and followed in Dee's footsteps. Kara was no small woman - not short, not slim boned - but in Lee's arms she seemed fragile and tiny as her head lolled from side to side.

"Come on Kara, stay with me," he whispered. "Breathe, damn you! Breathe!" He panted heavily with the exertion - Lifestation was two decks below living quarters, at the other end of the ship. "Don't die on me Kara, please!" he begged, sending a silent prayer to the gods to spare her life. Tears formed in his eyes as he remembered all the hurtful things he'd said and done to her in the past month, and he desperately wished she'd live so he could apologize.

"Kara, I love you, please don't die! You mean more to me than anyone," he murmured, oblivious to the curious looks of everyone he passed en route.

"Put her here now!" Cottle shouted tersely as Lee rounded the corner and entered Lifestation. Lee did as he was told, and Cottle and his team of nurses moved to surround Kara. "Out of the way," he said brusquely, giving Lee and Dee a fierce look.

They retreated back to the waiting area, Lee collapsing into a chair and dropping his head in his hands. Dee paced around helplessly, hearing Cottle shouting orders at the nurses, and watching Lee, knowing he was hearing everything as well. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's go," she whispered.

Lee suddenly came to life, eyes blazing as he looked up at her. "No! I'm staying here till I know if she's alright!"

Dee stammered a little, surprised by his outburst. "Um ... uh ... okay ... I guess I'll let your father know then?"

Lee nodded, knowing he should say something to comfort her, but not really caring at the moment. He dropped his head back into his hands, not wanting to face her. Hopefully she'd get the hint and go. She did, and left quickly. Gods Kara - what have you done to yourself? What have I done to you? Was it all my fault? Oh Kara, I never meant for you to kill yourself! I love you ... A single tear escaped his eye and wound it's way down his cheek as he sat listening to them working hard to resuscitate her.

"Pull the tube - crash cart now - hit it!" A pause. "Again! ... Again!" Another pause and suddenly Lee could hear the beeping of the heart monitor. "She's tachy ... yes ... five CC's ... good, it's steadying." There was obvious relief in Cottle's voice. Lee's heart pounded - she was alive!

A few minutes later Cottle came out into the waiting area and sat beside Lee. "She's stable - I think she'll make it," he offered, seeing the misery on the younger man's face. Lee just nodded, unable to speak. "Do you have any idea how many she took?"

Lee shook his head and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "The bottle was empty when I found her."

"She took them all?" Lee shrugged. Cottle shook his head. "It's a frakking miracle she's alive," he said gruffly.

Lee turned to look directly at him. "Only thanks to you," he said, the relief evident on his face.

The doc waved it aside. "That's my job. Now, your job is to make sure she doesn't do something like this again. I have enough work without suicidal people making more for me."

"Me? My job?"

Cottle gave him a long look under the shaggy eyebrows. "You're the only one she listens to, obeys ... trusts. You're her only real friend. You need to be there for her."

He's right Lee - Kara has tons of acquaintances, but no real friends except you. You've got to apologize and regain her trust. He raised his eyebrows. Yeah, that was going to be easy. But he had to do it - Kara needed him.

"Can I see her?" he asked tentatively.

Cottle nodded. "She'll be asleep for a while though. I managed to pump out most of the sleeping pills, but some would have still been absorbed into her system. I don't anticipate she'll be up for a quite a while yet."

"I'll stay with her till she wakes up."

"Like I said, it'll be a while ..."

Lee turned on him, a steely look on his face. "Some things are more important than work." And he stalked past Cottle into Lifestation.

Cottle smiled to himself. More than all the counselling and medication left, this was what she needed to become whole again. Reconciliation with Lee Adama.

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Lee sat by her bedside, holding her cold, almost lifeless hand in his. She looked so fragile, clinging to life by a bare thread. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. Just a few short weeks ago, he'd been the one clinging to life by a thread after she'd been the one to wound him. Now here she was, barely alive because of him. He couldn't help but let his imagination wander to what might have happened, had Kara been the one to sit at his bedside after the shooting. Not like she really had much chance, he had to admit. Everytime I woke up, Dee was there. Maybe ... maybe Kara never had a chance to be there. Maybe she was too scared to be there and talk in front of someone else. Of course, she could have asked Dee to leave ... But for the first time he realized Dee had been smothering him. Using him to forget about Billy. Using him as her way to forget that her lover (wait, ex-lover) died because she'd dumped him for someone else. Maybe that's what Kara saw - Dee being around me all the time and never allowing for anyone else to be there. Maybe she felt like I didn't need her anymore. What a joke! These past weeks we've been hating each other have been hell for me!

He squeezed Kara's hand. "I'm so sorry Kara. I never meant to hurt you. Sometimes you just drive me crazy and I say things I really don't mean. Please forgive me," he whispered, eyes closing as the tears began to fall.

Sometime later, he felt a hand on his shoulder. The tears had stopped and now his eyes were dry and sore. He let go of Kara's hand and wiped his eyes, looking over his shoulder to see who it was.

"Dad," he said softly.

"Lee." Adama sighed and squeezed his son's shoulder. "She'll be okay. You know Starbuck, she never quits."

"She did this time." Lee turned to look at Kara's pale face, blonde hair fanned out across the pillow. "She gave up - tried to end it all," he said, nearly choking on the words.

Adama's grip on Lee's shoulder tightened a fraction. "Maybe it was an accident. She hasn't been herself lately - maybe she just made a mistake and took too many."

"The whole bottle?" Lee whispered, turning an anguished face back towards his father.

Adama took a deep breath but didn't answer right away. "I think we'll have to wait till she wakes up to find out the truth. Stay here - she'll need you when she wakes up."

Lee put a hand on his father's a gave him a sad smile. "Thanks," he whispered.

"I expect to hear from you the minute there's news," Adama said, finally letting go and walking around the bed to Kara's other side. He leaned over and kissed her forehead lightly. "Wake up soon," he said softly, and brushed a few stray locks away from her face.

As Adama walked out of the partially curtained area that was now Kara's space, he nodded his head a fraction at Cottle, who got the message and followed him out into the waiting area.

"How is she doc?" Adama asked quietly.

"Hopefully she'll pull through."

"Hopefully?"

"I think so. I think we managed to clear out most of the drug. Now it's just a matter of her body resetting itself. There's always the chance ..."

Adama nodded solemnly. He knew medical science was not exact - especially here and now - and sometimes all you could do was the best you could, and then you prayed that it was enough.

"What happened here? How could things have gone this far?"

Cottle shrugged. "I only have theories."

"Let's hear them."

"I thought you didn't like guessing."

"Right now, I'm open to anything. I need to know what happened to her, and you are the only person she talked to, so give me your thoughts on what happened."

Cottle pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it and took a big drag. "I think the pressure's been too much for her to handle, so she's been bottling it up. Maybe for months already; who knows. I think the whole Caprica thing really threw her for a loop - she's having nightmares and been unable to sleep because of it, but I think the thing that finally caused her to hit rock bottom was her fights with your son." Adama's left eyebrow rose, but he said nothing. "Starbuck is tough, tough as they come, there's no doubt about that, but she's always had Apollo to vent to, to blow off steam with, to keep her on an even keel when things go wrong. He has a balancing effect on her that no one else has, and lately things have been getting pretty tense between them."

"You've noticed that too?"

"it's hard not to," Cottle said dryly. "This ship is like an ice palace these days."

A low growl of assent came up from deep in Adama's chest, but didn't quite vocalize as anything definite. Cottle took it as agreement though.

"Thank you for telling me. I know - patient confidentiality and all that - but I can't help her if I don't know what's going on."

"Just keep it to yourself, okay?"

"You have my word." Adama headed out into the hallway, but turned back for a brief moment. "Let me know as soon as there's anything to report."

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Lee felt her stirring before he opened his eyes. He'd dozed off, head leaning on the bed, one hand still clasped around hers. He lifted up his head and looked anxiously at her, to find two clear green eyes staring around the room curiously. Eventually they landed on him, and just as quickly looked away.

Gods, I can't even die without frakking up," she whispered, tears coming into her eyes.

TBC

A/N: To any of you who are medical students or staff, I apologize if I got the medical stuff wrong. I just guessed at how it would go from the few times I've seen medical dramas on TV. I realize it's probably not correct, but try to ignore it and enjoy the story anyway. Thanks!