In the Shadows - chapter 7

Sorry it's taken so long everyone, too many stories going at one time! I think we're in the homestretch here - probably only one more chapter, and I'll try to do it before updating anything else. Thanks for sticking with me so long!

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"Kara," Lee began, tears pricking at the backs of his eyes again.

Kara gave him a look that said everything and it took Lee's breath away; he was the reason she'd done what she did.

"Just go," she said softly, looking away as the tears began to trickle out of the corners of her eyes.

Lee leaned forward to touch her face gently but she flinched away from his touch.

"Kara, please ..." he whispered.

"Leave me alone." Her voice was deadly quiet. "Just go."

"I'll be back," he promised, wiping the tear that had escaped his eye.

"Don't hurry, I know you don't really care."

"That's not true!" he blazed. "I care, I've always cared."

Kara turned to face him again, and though her face was still deathly pale, her eyes were fiery. "You have a fine way of showing it! With friends like you, I don't need enemies. On the other hand, at least I can trust my enemies to treat me the same every day and not be nice one day and hate me the next. Maybe I should go back to Caprica and join the cylons," she added remorsefully.

"You don't mean that."

"How the hell do you know what I mean? You've been treating me like I don't exist for weeks now. How the hell can you possibly know anything about me?

"I know you shot me and that you never even bothered to come and see how I was doing!" Lee retaliated, anger rising to the surface again.

"Maybe if you'd get your head out of your ass, you'd realize there's more going on in your life than just Dee. She seems to be blinding you to everything else," she spat spitefully.

"Now, now, it's time for you to leave. You're annoying my patient," Cottle interrupted, hearing their raised voices and hoping to diffuse things.

"I'm annoying ... ?" Lee said disbelievingly. He huffed. "Fine, I'll go."

Kara sniffed and glared at him. He glared right back.

"You take it easy there Captain. I'll be back to check on you shortly."

Cottle escorted Lee to the door.

"I'm sorry doc, I shouldn't have ..." Lee began, contrite now, and wishing he'd kept his mouth shut.

Cottle shook his head. "Don't be. At least you two are talking. That's the first step to healing. You'll just have to put that argument on hold till she's a little stronger."

Lee nodded. "Understood."

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Was Kara right? Was he so firmly stuck in trying to make his relationship with Dee work that he was forgetting about everything else? Maybe, but no one else was complaining about his lack of devotion to duty, or about being ignored. That's because no one else is as close to you as she is, he told himself. The two of us have always had a connection somehow - almost magnetic, that draws us together, even against our will. If only we could just wash our hands off each other and stay apart for the rest of our lives ... it would be so much easier. But Lee knew that just wasn't possible. Aside from the physical constraints of having to serve on the same ship, they just couldn't seem to stay away from each other. It's as though we hold a piece of each other's hearts and those pieces are always pulling us back together.

Lee resolved to have it out completely with Kara once she was better. There was no chance of regaining the friendship they'd once considered so precious without complete honesty. And Lee felt better than he had in weeks, knowing he was doing the right thing.

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Had she been too tough on him? The truth was, he'd been treating her like crap and he needed to realize it. But on the other hand, I need him. He's so much a part of me and I just don't seem to be able to function when there's this gaping chasm between us. And so, for the first time, she was finally beginning to understand how much Lee Adama was part of the fabric of her very soul. It was something she'd shied away from - tried to deny every time the facts arranged themselves in such a way that the picture was obvious. Partly because Lee was someone she'd always considered 'almost family', but mainly because she couldn't stand to admit that she actually needed someone as much as she needed him. She'd learned to be self-sufficient from an early age - she'd had little choice - and had developed a hard shell through which no one and nothing could break through. Unless she let them, as she had for Zack. But though she'd trusted him enough to let him in, she'd let him in. It had been her choice. Lee had slipped in unbidden. Something about him spoke to her very soul and stirred feelings in her that she'd never felt before. With anyone.

More recently, she'd chosen to let Sam in as well, though she'd known that relationship wasn't likely to last, but on Caprica she'd been needy, desperate, and Lee had been thousands of miles away, both literally and emotionally. They'd made up when she'd returned, but somehow things were different between them - tense, uncomfortable, and tempers had flared more easily than usual. Which is perhaps how we got into this predicament? But no, it all came back to the shooting. Things may have been difficult for them before that, but they hadn't honestly talked once since then. And Lee was obviously miffed that she hadn't come to see him. She had though, every day, but somehow she was always there with him, and her presence made Kara feel ... upset? Jealous? No, threatened. That was it. It wasn't like Lee wasn't allowed to sleep with other women, heck, she'd slept with other guys, but none of them had ever meant as much to her as Lee had. And, be honest here Kara, she was afraid that if he was in a relationship with Dee, that she wouldn't come first in Lee's heart anymore. There it was - plain and simple. Lee could be with any woman he wanted, so long as he loved Kara and she was first in his heart. Well, what a selfish bitch I am, she thought, tears squeezing themselves out of her eyes again. I'm happy doing whatever I want, so long as Lee is always hanging, waiting for me. And she finally realized how selfish and unkind she'd been to him. I'm going to apologize next time I see him. It's time to get everything out in the open if we want to fix what's wrong between us.

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The next few days were rough on Lee, and by default on Dee as well. He'd been very cool and impersonal towards her and he hadn't been willing to give her an explanation. It had come to down to a confrontation eventually.

"Lee, what's wrong?" she asked, seeing him frown over a stack of papers. She began to massage his neck but he immediately stiffened.

"Nothing, I'm fine," he answered brusquely, without looking up.

"Come on," she wheedled, leaning in close and giving his ear a nibble. "You can tell me."

He shrugged her away, as though she were a fly. "I'm busy. Got a lot on my mind."

Dee finally got the hint and backed off. "Work has never kept you too busy before," she said, voice icy.

"Well it is now," he retorted.

She exhaled loudly. "I suspect it's not work that's keeping your mind so occupied."

Lee finally turned around to look at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're thinking about her, aren't you?"

"About who?"

Dee finally flew off the handle. "Don't play stupid with me! I'm not as dumb as you obviously think I am!"

"I do?"

"Get a life Lee Adama! You're in love with Starbuck, and yet you keep pretending that you care about me!"

Lee stood up furiously, blue eyes full of anger. "Is that any worse than what you did to Billy?" he shot back.

She blanched and stepped back, covering her mouth. "I can't believe you just said that."

"And I can't believe you're mad at me for being in love with one person while stringing someone else along. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"

"So you admit it?" she asked quietly. "You're in love with her?"

"Yes!" he said vehemently, before he could stop himself. Then he deflated visibly, as he realized the magnitude of his confession. "I've always loved her," he said softly. "I don't know why, she drives me insane most of the time, but I just can't help how I feel."

"So you were just using me?" she whispered, green eyes filled with sorrow.

"No, no ... of course not. I was hoping things would work out for us ... that I could forget about her ..." He sighed. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to."

"Yeah, well you know where the road of best intentions leads don't you?"

"I'm sure Billy would agree with you."

"Don't ... don't," she said, covering her mouth again, as if to stop herself from crying.

"I'm not trying to hurt you more, I just want you to try to understand that sometimes you hurt people without meaning to. Come on Anastasia, I know you well enough to know you would never hurt anyone intentionally, but it happened anyway. And that's what happened here." He lifted a gentle hand and stroked her cheek. "I never meant for you to get hurt, it's just that Kara and I ... well we're ..." And he stopped, realizing that he really couldn't explain what lie between them - it was something that just defied description.

"I know," she whispered. "I always saw it there - we all did. I just didn't want to believe it. I wanted to think that you could be mine."

"So did I," he whispered back. "But as much as I hate to admit it, my heart belongs to Kara."

TBC