CHAPTER 7: Short-circuit

"Do you think she's avoiding us?"

Len's chopsticks, carrying the final piece of sushi left on his plate, stopped before they reached his mouth. His eyes returned Gumi's direct gaze. The tone of her voice was quite out of character: serious, without even the slightest hint of her usual carelessness and happy-go-lucky demeanor. This whole situation must have been deeply bothering her.

The two of them were dining out again. They'd been a couple for about three weeks and their lives had basically reduced to work/school, spending time together and sleeping. They weren't too publicly open about it, but naturally, it must have occurred to their housemates at least. Coincidentally or not, Len's sister hadn't talked to them for the last three weeks. In fact, they barely even saw her: she was either in her room, or – they could only assume – with her band. She wasn't using the common rooms at all, only ever hasting upstairs or downstairs, depending on what time of day it was, and Len could swear he never even heard her use the shower while he was at home.

Whether Rin had actually been acting extremely hermity lately or not, Len had to admit he was lowkey neglecting her as well. What he was currently experiencing with Gumi was probably the happiest he's felt since he was a kid, but it was also... very exhausting. And not just the sex, either: it was wearing him down emotionally. He was an introvert and it's always taken him some effort to keep up with Meg's severely chaotic energy even before they took their relationship to this level. Of course, the time they spent together was the best time ever – but such high intensity, at least for the twin, meant he suddenly had less mental capacity reserved for other things and other people in his life.

Len's small world had literally changed overnight, and it was taking him a long time to adapt to the new circumstances. He had to keep reminding himself it's completely natural to temporarily lose oneself when new love sprouts. Rin should be aware of that – that's what he'd been telling himself to numb the subtle feeling of guilt. Also, quite selfishly, he loved every second of what his life had turned into lately and didn't want to change it for the time being. But, of course... The longer he chooses to not talk to his sister, the more likely she's going to feel betrayed.

The twin set the piece of sushi down and frowned. "I'd be lying if I told you I haven't been thinking about it. Maybe she is avoiding us... but..."

Gumi blinked encouragingly. "But what?"

Len couldn't bear her stares any longer and looked intensely into the depths of his plate. "I think I'm – we're not really tryharding to talk to her either, are we?"

He felt the caress of her ankle on his left shin.

"What's going on, Lenny?"

"I don't even know anymore," he replied. "I've got a lot on my mind and I'm not sure if I'm ready to put it into words yet."

"It could help you to just ramble about it."

Len sighed. "Look, I..." And he forced himself to look at her again. Her expression wasn't as worrisome as it was compassionate; that definitely reassured him. "I want to be with you. And I want to do everything I can to be with you. But... It scares me. It scares me that you're my entire world right now."

Gumi giggled. "You're so silly."

"Please, Meg. I'm trying to be serious."

She was smiling again like she always has. "Buddy, it's okay. I am by no means forcing you to spend all your free time on me. Even if I love every minute of it."

And Len couldn't help but smile back, but only for a second or two. Then his expression dropped right back.

"I think I'm in a bit of a panic mode, Meg. I don't want to lose any moment I could spend with you. But I also don't want to lose anyone else. Certainly not Rin."

"And why would you think you're losing her?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. It's just a fear that I have, and I'm... so afraid to just talk to her. I'm afraid to find out if she's mad at me or not. I know we said we didn't want to tell anyone about us, but still, Rin should have been the first one I broke the news to. If she's angry that I didn't update her, I get it."

Meg's chopsticks reached over to his plate, and she lifted the remaining piece of sushi in front of his mouth. Len gave her a loving look and let her feed him.

"Babe, how many times have I told you you think too much?" she said.

"Entirely too many times, I know."

"Look, more often than not you just have to push into the things that scare you. None of us can grow if we don't violate our comfort zones every now and then."

Len let out a chuckle. "That's easy for you to say. You care little about other people's comfort zones."

The girl frowned. "You know what? Yes, you're right. I like having no boundaries and I know I can be pretty invasive sometimes. Does it bother you?"

"Sometimes. But I know you mean well."

"Sometimes people tell me it would be kind of me to be less 'explosive' or whatever." Gumi looked upset, probably for the first time that the twin's known her. "Why? Why is it cool to purposely make your life more boring?"

Len thought about it. "I don't know. I think most people just don't like to be put in situations where they have less control, or something. But, just so you know, I think it's awesome that you're such a maniac."

Her joyful expression came back, if with a little bit of sadness in her eyes. "You're a charmer."

"I mean it, too! You can afford to be spontaneous because you never doubt yourself, do you? And by extension, you never doubt others. That's why I think you're perfect for me."

Gumi took his hand and brought it to her lips. When she kissed it, they intertwined their fingers and held hands across the table.

"I think you're perfect for me too, for the opposite reason. You remind me... How do I put this... Some people need an extra push before they start believing in themselves. And I like to take care of you like that," she added with a sly grin.

Len laughed and almost blushed. "Not to discourage you or anything, but I take it you haven't failed enough in your life, have you?"

"Oh, I have. I just never let that get to me. Look, you can beat yourself up over the stupid mistakes you made or the ones you think you're going to make – or you can accept that failure isn't the end, it's part of the process."

The twin withdrew his hand only to support his chin with both hands in a very sappy, overly dramatic gesture. "Golly, I really lucked out with you. You're both gorgeous and wise."

"And you need to talk to your sister, buddy," Gumi reminded him. "Maybe she's having a rough time. You're the one person who can reach her if she is. I'd just annoy her with toxic positivity, it's what I do best."

"Fine, I will. As soon as we get home. Unless..." he added with risen eyebrows.

Gumi smiled impishly. "No you don't, mister! Duties first."

This motherfucker, Len thought to himself and laughed.

"I swear to God, if you start using sex to blackmail me..."

"Hey, it's not blackmail if it's for your own good, sweetie!"

Of course he knew it was for his own good. Len thought about that the whole way home, walking hand in hand with Gumi and occasionally interrupting their talk to ask for advice.

There was some kind of a nasty situation between him and Rin. He didn't know what it was, but it was just about time he found out. It could have nothing to do with him, or his sister might have figured out what the deal was with him and Meg and had a problem with it of any sorts. That would have been pretty stupid, considering it was her who had encouraged Len to keep pursuing Gumi in the first place. But he didn't just want to rule that possibility out. Say what you will about overthinkers, at least they tend to be prepared for any bad scenario at any given time.


Rin just had the brilliant idea to drink herself to sleep. The last couple of nights were a carousel of thrashing, sleep paralysis and night time panic attacks. At this point, she wasn't hoping to wake up refreshed the next day – just that she would sleep through the whole night without interruptions.

She had a feeling her life had already fallen apart and whatever was left was just inertia: things continuing in the direction she sent them until they run out of juice, and then she'd really have nothing left.

She and Tom started casually dating. Rin did like him, it wasn't like she was entirely using him. Granted she might not have liked him that much, but it was better for her self conscience to at least try and take this seriously rather than just admitting she hooked up with him and left with no strings attached. All of that just to prove a point. Two points, really – the secound one being, of course, that she can be happy in a relationship that does not involve Lily.

Since that evening when the bass player made the twin open up, she did a lot of thinking and decided it was kind of rude of Lily to push into her private life like that. What did she even know about anything? She claimed she'd been where Rin was now and that she spoke from experience. But how much experience was really transferable to others if everyone was unique? And how self-absorbed was it of Lily to maybe project her own supposed mental issues onto her? There was surely no way she wanted to help her because she cared. She probably saw it as her delusional duty to walk around and save lives or whatever. That would have been a praiseworthy effort, but also not at all genuine. At the end of the day, she could have only been doing it to make her own damn self feel better.

To make things even more complicated, though, Rin had a couple of moments of clarity in her clouded banter. In those moments, it was obvious to her that she didn't want to believe any of the bad things she imagined about Lily to push her down. The twin was merely refusing to believe she alone would be worth that effort to anyone, certainly not the girl who she found so endearing in her sensibility. A quality which Rin, largely a creature of impulse, lacked. Having someone like Lily by her side would benefit her greatly – but she was too stubborn to admit it.

Below all that lied the absolute terror of the possibility that Rin's whole existence up to this point would be questioned if she turned out to be into girls. She just wasn't ready to embrace it because what if she was fooling herself? And if she wasn't, what even was her identity? Would she eventually settle on being bi, or had she only been into guys because she didn't think anything else would be acceptable? There was a chance she'd been lying to herself all along, and the twin wasn't prepared to maybe disregard her whole history by digging to deep into her own feelings. It was far more convenient to bury all of that and... be normal. Just be normal. Normal people get to be happy, don't they?

The one person in the world she could possibly talk to about any of it was Len. And the fact that Len has always around Gumi lately didn't help matters at all. The fact that he failed to talk to his own sister about it...

Hidden in her room that evening, engulfed in piles of laundry and take-out boxes, well on her way to down a whole bottle of whiskey, sip after sip – Rin was already feeling a little tipsy when a gentle knock on the door reached her brain through the haze of alcohol and depression. She seriously considered not even bothering to answer.

"Rin?" the voice of her brother pierced through the door. "Are you in there?"

"What do you want?" she retorted.

"I just... I just want to see you, Rin. Can I come in?"

"Hold on." With what sense of dignity she had, she didn't want to let Len walk in the sad mess that was her bedroom. Instead, she got up, stumbled around for a bit and made her way towards the door to talk with him out in the hallway. The part of her that needed to be hated assumed Len wanted to tell her something quick and trivial as to not bother her longer than he had to; the part of her that wanted to be loved was praying that he would realise she's not doing great and hasten to her rescue.

The sight of her when she slowly pulled the door open probably wasn't pretty either. Rin's hair was a mess, she had baggy sweatpants on and a large shirt that was kind of loosely hanging on her right shoulder by the collar. Len, on the other hand, never looked more handsome. There was an attempt to comb his hair and his outfit was well put together rather than the usual slapping of clothing together in twenty seconds before leaving for school.

"Well, you wanted to see me, here I am," she greeted him coldly. "What's up?"

"Hi," he said back. "Please, don't get mad, but I was just worried. We haven't spoken in weeks and I don't know if something's wrong, or..."

The dark Rin rolled her eyes. "Oh, zip it, Len. It's not like you even care."

He was taken aback by that. "What on Earth- Why would I not care about you?"

"Yeah, why don't you? That's the question."

"I do, you numb nuts! Please, tell me what's going on."

"I don't trust you anymore."

The silence that followed was louder and more gut wrenching than any cry of grief.

"You mean that?" Len asked her. There was something in his voice that Rin never heard from him before. Genuine fear. Pain. Maybe even heartbreak? She looked up and looked into his face. Was he just tearing up?

FUCK. I really hurt him. That realisation came back like a roundhouse kick and hit her right in the gut. Some layers of her darkness were instantly shattered, and she retrospectively paid close attention to the words that left her mouth as an instinctual fight or flight response.

Her own eyes watered when she relaxed her alerted posture a bit . "No, I didn't. Can we go to your room? My room looks terrible."

They walked just across the hall and entered Len's bedroom. Rin didn't turn the light on so what she could see was only due to the light coming in from the hallway. At first glance it was far cleaner and more kept up, although there was camera equipment all over his desk and his blankets and bedsheet were all tangled up. When he closed the door behind them, the only light remaining was a mellow pool of orange from a street lamp outside the window. Len must have deduced she would prefer it this way.

"Look," he began talking: "if you're mad that I didn't tell you about Gumi and me, I'm really sorry about that. We were trying to keep a low profile, and then I got carried away and forgot what was anything. But that doesn't mean I wanted to cut you off from my life."

Rin fought back the tears. "It's fine, bro. It's not a big deal, but... I don't know. I'm taking everything personally lately. That's not your fault."

"I promise I'm still here for you. You're my best friend and that's not going to change because of Gumi."

"Thank you for saying that." She sat down on his messy bed. Len sat next to her and immediately brought her in for a one-armed hug. Rin closed her eyes when the sides of their foreheads touched and took in her brother's proximity, anchoring her softly spinning consciousness. They just stayed like that for a while. She had missed it. How come you can literally sleep with someone and be completely detached from them, but then it takes a simple embrace from the right person to feel this safe and comfortable?

"Bro?" she spoke up quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I think something's wrong with me."

"How come?"

Rin took a deep breath.

"I'm so angry and sad and confused all the time. And every time I allow myself to feel anything, I just... completely black out. Like a short-circuit. And I'm left in this... horrible place where everything just screams at me. My mind yells that everyone hates me and I should fucking hate myself too, and I believe it."

She sniffled. "It fucking hurts, Lenny. It hurts when you can't even trust your own thoughts."

Her brother pulled her in closer with both arms; she felt the tears running down her cheeks.

"I think it's very brave of you for saying this," he said.

Rin, despite her quiet crying, chuckled joyless. "I'm sorry I told you I don't trust you. You're the only one I trust enough."

Len kissed her on the forehead. "It's fine. Just don't ever say that again, okay?"

"Okay."

He sighed. "Tell me, what more can I do to help you? I can keep convincing you that you're important to me, but it seems that doesn't stop you from doubting."

"I'm trying. But I can't comprehend it."

Rin tried to recall what Lily told her on that evening when they had that deep talk. Didn't she say one can never be happy unless they truly deem themselves worthy? Was this situation not what she meant? The twin realised now that Len would always have her back – so why did she keep forgetting it? The obvious answer was she didn't think she deserved it, she couldn't believe she should be treated with kindness. But that didn't explain where it was coming from.

"I think I might need help," she said outwardly and sat up straight. "Except I don't know where to get it."

"Look, why don't you start by coming downstairs and talking with us?" her brother suggested. "When Gumi and I walked home today, she mentioned she wanted to invite you to her preview concert. Next Saturday in our living room, just a couple of people. She doesn't say it out loud, but I think she would really value your opinion."

"Alright. I'll be here."

Len squirmed uncomfortably. "She was also worried that you were ignoring us."

"I mean... yeah. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it. Do you feel like talking to us now?"

"It's worth the shot. And I don't want you two to think I dislike you now. But, before we go," Rin looked directly at him; "I want to know... Are you happy?"

"The happiest I've ever been," Len replied without hesitation.

She smiled. "Then I'm happy for you. I'd love to know how the hell you got together in the first place."

"That's... kind of complicated." Had the room not been so dark, Rin would have definitely noticed her brother's face turn red. "I can tell you if you let me take you out again soon."

The twins stood up and reached for the door.

"I'm free tomorrow morning, how about you?" Rin asked, glad that Len was giving her a reason to exist for another day.