CHAPTER 10: Dusk

As Rin approached her home and looked towards the window leading into the living room, the first thing that caught her attention were... Christmas lights in May? There was a chain of blinking, colorful lightbulbs stretched along the top from the inside, and the room otherwise seemed dim. The twin rolled her eyes in a confused mix of disappointment and amusement.

"Is that normal?" her tall companion asked. "Or did Meg do some questionable decorating for her little show?"

"No," Rin responded. "That's not normal, but then, few things about Gumi are."

Lily smiled reluctantly. "I think I'm going to like her."

"Yeah, I mean, it's difficult to not like her, despite her... everything."

"Rin, before we go inside," the bass player spoke up as the pair stepped closer to the door; "I meant to ask, how do you feel about her, personally? If you hold a grudge against her for dating your brother-"

"Naaaah. Well, a little bit, but only because I'm overprotective as shit."

Lily smiled. "So I can be friendly towards her, yes?"

Like she did a couple of times that afternoon, the twin fought – and resisted – the need to establish physical connection with the tall girl. Instead, she just said: "How sweet of you to be that concerned. Thanks, I guess."

"I'm just trying to avoid socially awkward situations, that's all."

Rin pushed the handle down and opened the door. "Don't worry. I reckon your first socially awkward situation starts in fifteen seconds at most," she pondered quietly, smiling in a worry and a bit of excitement.

Once they both entered, they heard a few voices coming from the living room to their right. From the left side where the kitchen was, Len emerged wearing a very informal worn-out hoodie, not matching the apparent festive intent very well.

"Hi!" Gumi's voice shouted from behind him. "I'll come greet you in a few seconds, hold on!"

"She's plating potato chips," the boy explained, over-emphasising the importance of such crucial task.

"Crisps," Lily immediately corrected him before covering her mouth. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"Nah, you're right. I grew up learning American English, my apologies. Also, hi, I'm Len," he said, extending his hand towards her. "I'm this one's brother."

"I figured." The bass player shook his hand. "I'm-"

"Hellooooo!" Meg exclaimed and stepped into view, wearing a softly glittering shirt and dark pants – apparently the outfit picked for the occasion. "Hi, Rin! Hi, Lily! You're Lily, right? Can I give you a hug? I'm really nervous. I'm Meg, my friends call me Gumi. Glad to meet you."

Before Lily knew what was happening, the green haired girl was already hugging her; she pulled away before the bass player had the time to react.

"I'm Lily," she said. "Wow. Um, I hope you don't mind me being here."

"Oh, not at all. I wasn't counting on a bigger audience, but you're a musician, you get a pass." Gumi exhaled. "Sorry, I've got to get back to those snacks."

"Do you need help?" Rin spoke up, taking in the chaotic energy of her friend.

"Actually, you can tell me what you'd like to drink!" Gumi yelled, already back in the kitchen. "We've got coke, tea, beer, cider, I could even make you vodka with juice if you'd like!"

Both twins followed her into the room; it was rather messy, with various snacks and mostly unopened bottles lying about the table and counter. Rin looked around and noticed a pink and white bra very badly hidden under the table, as if hastily kicked there mere moments ago. She couldn't help but instantly look at Gumi and try to discern whether she was indeed naked underneath her blouse. The audacity of these two, she thought.

"I wouldn't say no to the vodka," Rin spoke up while at the same time subtly alarming her brother about the bra with her index finger before Lily had the chance to see it; Len blushed and ducked under the table to pick the bra up, blocking the view in the process.

The blond girl followed everyone in; she took off her jacket and held it in her hands. She appeared undecided about the notion of drinking. "I mean..."

"Come on, Lily! Have a drink with me," Rin begged. At that point, she wasn't quite wishing to get Lily drunk as much as just hoping to have an evening's worth of a good time with her. After all, that afternoon as they shared a meal and a coffee after it, walking, talking and laughing... They definitively ceased to be just colleagues and became... well, she wouldn't say 'friends' yet, but she thought they sure were headed there (if not further, but she wasn't that hopeful). The twin simply wanted to take this chance, afraid a little bit that this would be a rare opportunity in the foreseeable future.

Lily relaxed her shoulders. "Okay. But only one, yes? I am a slow drinker."

"Great! Two juicy babies coming right up!" Meg shouted way too loudly. "Actually make that three, I have to keep myself together-"

"Babe, take it easy," Len intervened. The bra could no longer be seen, and his hoodie's big pocket was suddenly stuffed. "We had wine earlier."

"Right. Or, and bear with me, I get myself drunk so that I don't freak out."

There were two things that Rin had never seen until then. The first was witnessing Gumi losing her confidence, almost shaking in distress. The second was Len approaching her from behind and hugging her by the shoulders. She knew this gesture, she practiced it on him in those moments where the twins felt the most comforted and encouraged by each other's presence. Obviously the boy adopted the shoulder hug and used it to calm his girlfriend down. Something about the manner he did it in put Rin at unease, as though the thing that was supposed to be her sign of sisterly intimacy and appreciation was being stolen and lent to Meg without her permission. And the worst part was that it seemed to work: Gumi stopped moving, her breathing softened, and she rested her right cheek against Len's head that was now placed on her shoulder.

"You're going to be amazing," he hummed. "I believe in you. You've worked so hard for this, and hey, we're all friends here."

"That's kind of what I'm afraid of, buddy. I could fuck up in front of strangers, I want to be at my best for you lot."

"And you will! Trust me on this. Just be your adorable self and everything will be great."

Rin tugged on Lily's shirt's sleeve. "Would you like to hang your jacket?" she whispered to her. "Let me show you where."

The bassist looked just as uncomfortable as she did while the twin brother kept consoling his woman. "Yeah. Let's," she whispered back, and they quietly stepped out of the kitchen back into the hall.

"I hope she's okay," said Rin quietly as she was putting Lily's jacket on a coat hanger. "I've never seen her this nervous."

"Do you think everyone gets this nervous before their first performance?" the tall girl asked. "If so, I've got to work up my self-confidence way up."

"It's not that bad, honestly. When I-" The twin paused. She never talked about her past life to people who hadn't already known it.

It was too late; Lily looked at her with a surge of excitement. "You played shows before?"

"I... sort of did. I used to perform back home, before we all moved here."

"Oh, that's cool! Were you in a band or something?"

Rin breathed in. It seemed there was no coming back now.

"Have you ever heard about the Vocaloids?"

Lily's eyes narrowed. "It rings a bell. I think it's a J-pop group?"

"Was. We broke up last year." She refused to look at her, her gaze fixed on the hanged jacket in her hands. She felt embarassed and, frankly, scared to share that part of her life with the girl. But then, it technically wasn't a secret and when this moment presented itself, Rin wanted to be honest.

"Oh. My. Goodness!" Lily shout-whispered. "Rin, are you casually telling me you're a retired pop star right now?"

"Stop. Don't call me that," she retorted way too fast and placed the hanger on the wall. Then, she regained her balance. "Sorry. I don't like talking about it."

"But you sort of started it, didn't you? What happened?"

Rin turned her head towards her at once. Lily wasn't judging her, there was an honest interest in her eyes. She probably didn't care enough about the Vocaloids to realise why this wasn't the twin's favourite subject.

"How much do you know about the group?" she asked her.

Lily thought for a second. "Not much. I remember a blue-haired girl called... Miku?"

"Of course you do," the twin exhaled. "She was the most popular of us all. And she's the only one who keeps our legacy going after we disbanded."

"And was she the reason you all broke up?"

"No. Look, I'm sorry I brought it up, but now's not the time to talk about it. Can we drop it until the evening's over?"

That wasn't a cop-out. Rin's thoughts were already starting to cloud again. It was too much for her. She was running low on her emotional and social tolerance to begin with after spending half a day in Lily's company, careful not to give her even the slightest hint that she might be interested in her out of fear. And then, seeing Meg, the ever shining beacon of positivity, almost reach her breaking point; Len providing her with the kind of support that Rin only ever experienced from him on herself, once again leading her into the fear of abandonment; and now, spilling the beans about her past with the Vocaloids, opening a whole other world of hurt. The year that they spent apart wasn't long enough to qench all of those negative emotions. She knew it was stupid, but after spending over a quarter of her current lifetime in that environment – the most formative quarter, nonetheless – there was some sadness and disappointment still. Things she deliberately chose to leave back in Japan, never to deal with them again, but which apparently pursued her here...

"I'm sorry," she heard Lily's voice. The twin lifted her head to see her looming over her – or that's how it felt, despite being only several inches shorter in reality. "I didn't want to anger you."

She forced herself to smile. "What did we say about over-apologizing? I'll be fine. Maybe I'll tell you more eventually."

"Then I shall look forward to it," the bass player simply replied and smiled back.

At the exact moment Rin thought to herself she would actually move closer and seek the comfort of Lily's arms like she had so desperately sought the entire afternoon, Len popped in behind them, holding two glasses with an identical orange liquid in both.

"Here you are. And here you are," he said as he handed them the drinks. Then, he frowned. "Sister, I don't know how you ever managed a relationship. It's hard," he murmured so that Meg couldn't overhear in the kitchen.

"Congratulations, you're an adult now," she replied, in part sarcastically but there was some truth in there. "I hope it's worth it."

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I'd do this any time. But I still wish I didn't have to."

"That's part of the deal, I'm afraid. Should we help with something?"

Len shook his head and grinned. "No, thanks. Just go to the living room with the rest, we've got this. And Meg certainly considers it her duty to tend to her guests by herself. Of course, that means I'm pretty much a part of 'herself' as well, but I'm not complaining."

Both girls chuckled. Rin gave him a soft punch on the shoulder: "Okay, then. But you know where to find me if you need, you got it?"

"Thanks. Just enjoy yourselves, both of you," he said before he dived back in the kitchen.

His twin sister sighed. "I'm beginning to wonder if I can even make it through the evening."

"Hey." Lily gave her a heartwarming smile. "How about you show me around the house before we join the others?"

"Nah. You've seen the important parts already, and my room is in shambles, I'd be embarassed to bring you up there."

"Don't worry. I'm no housemaid either."

"Thanks, but... I just wouldn't be comfortable. I'd like to clean up before letting any guest see my room."

"Alright, then. But, honestly," Lily asked and her voice got a bit quieter; "do you want to socialise with the others right now?"

Such understanding, the twin thought.

"If you want me to be honest, then no, I don't. I think I'm gonna be outside for a bit, you can go there with the others if you want."

"Unless you want me to keep you company instead." The bass player assertively reached out with her drink and kept looking at Rin. She was ready to refuse her proposal, but then just gave up.

Their glasses clinked. "Okay. Thank you," she said. The two girls walked back outside; Rin sat down on the doorstep, and Lily followed her lead. The sun wasn't entirely setting yet, but it was low enough for the whole street to be covered in shadows.

They sipped their drinks – Rin more aggressively than her companion – and sat there in silence for a while. Even though her present mindset was throwing words of discouragement in her way, the fact that Lily could walk away any second to do something more fun but didn't felt so out of place, Rin almost reconsidered the probability that she was worthy of being cared for.

Against her own better judgement, she eventually rested her head on Lily's shoulder and closed her eyes, not saying a word. It didn't matter that she had doubts about everything, it didn't matter that she refused to explore her feelings for the time being. All that she cared about at the moment was that she felt safe. Lily was there with her, silent, but letting her know she was choosing to provide comfort should the twin need it.

Rin knew herself well enough to be aware that in time, she'd even start doubting this, asking herself what the girl's end goal was and why did she allow her to get so close. However, right now, she just wanted to believe that Lily actually gave a damn and had no hidden aspirations.

The bass player didn't react; the good thing was she didn't tense up or flinch, either. She just sat there, letting the twin channel the weight of her world into her shoulder while she held her drink, staring into the distance – or perhaps closing her eyes as well, Rin didn't care to clarify.

As the street delved even deeper into dusk, Lily finally broke the silence: "What's on your mind?"

The twin let her thoughts run wild for a bit, trying to discern anything in particular. "Nothing, really," she replied. "I just wish I didn't have to deal with life."

"Been there, done that." Lily's shoulder moved, and Rin heard her drink. "I don't want to seem conceited, but there are things everyone must go through at a certain age."

"Like what?"

"Like taking in too many duties and having to discover how much workload you can actually manage. And, sadly, that includes how much social life you can bear before you've got to take a step back and retreat into your bubble."

"Ew," Rin scoffed.

"What do you mean, 'ew'? That's not a bad thing."

The twin lifted her head to look at Lily. "It's not?"

"Seriously ask yourself why would it be bad to take good care of yourself?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Aren't we all supposed to be literally perfect? I know we can't be, but that doesn't take the pressure away."

"Okay, fuck what everyone else thinks, okay? Anybody who expects you to be someone you're not can straight up rot in the dungeon."

Rin took a deep look into her glass and then finished its contents with one swig. "But what if I'm that person?" she asked quietly. "What if it's me who expects me to be someone I'm not?"

"And what's that like, can you tell me?"

"I..." The twin stuttered. "I don't think I can. I don't have the words for it."

"You could try. It's impossible to fight something you don't even know by name."

Rin's mild shock reached a certain point where it had to be addressed.

"Are you a therapist or something?" she suddenly probed. "You seem so knowledgeable and I feel like you just want to cut me up and examine me and... it doesn't fucking feel great, frankly."

Lily was visibly upset, but her face only showed that for a split second. She immediately put on a braver and more patient expression as though she was putting her feelings aside for the moment for Rin's sake. "I'm sorry, Rin. I just wish I could help you somehow, but not against your wish."

The twin had to breathe in and out. Their talk was very close to becoming uncomfortable, and she didn't want that to happen. "I know you mean well. I guess I'm just not ready yet."

She felt the tall girl's hand on her wrist and prayed that Lily didn't feel her instant goose bumps.

"It's not my place to tell you what to do and how to live, I know that. But... I don't know. I look at you and I see someone who struggles. I'm not saying that to call you out, I understand. Or, try to, anyway. I simply don't want you to go through that, and I'm looking for a way to help you."

Slowly, as if she expected her to pull away once her hand got to far, Rin turned her forearm upside down, took Lily's hand into her own and squeezed it softly. There was a little voice inside of her screaming in panic, but more than that, she saw that as a momentary gesture to let the girl know she was grateful for her words. Perhaps the bass player understood that because she squeezed back, and now the girls were effectively holding hands.

"You're already helping me by being exactly who you are, Lil," she told her. "We've known each other for a few weeks now and I think you're sweet and kind and... I need someone like that in my life. I guess I should thank you for being here."

"You were the one who invited me for lunch," Lily reminded her.

"And you accepted."

"You shouldn't be thanking people for their willingness to spend time with you, I don't think."

Rin genuinely chuckled. "Alright, then. I think I'm just glad."

Wouldn't it be great, she thought, if the two of them could actually be a couple? While they were sitting there holding hands, the twin felt much calmer, safer and happier than anytime in who knows how long. Lily was giving her a sense of stability in a world that was too fast, too wild for her to catch up. A quality she would have loved in a boyfriend... Or, would having a girlfriend be the same, functionally? Wouldn't Lily laugh in her face and explain how misguided she was, associating the girl with a predominantly male characteristic? Was it even that, or did it not matter at all?

Rin decided to pull back and grasp her empty glass with both hands as if to compensate for that feeling of having something to hold onto. This was probably the one thing she could never admit to Lily – how much her caring nature actually mattered to her and how exactly she made her feel. Not until the twin could be sure she could trust the conclusion she was rapidly reaching: that it was okay to fall in love with another girl. Not to mention fall in love at all; she hadn't had this exact need for closeness since Ichiro, who happened five years ago and treated her really badly. This wasn't about trying to get someone into bed – furthermore, the thought of doing it with a girl had been preemptively cast out from her mind just because how much it would frighten her – as much as trying to find a compatible soul.

And as of right then and there, Rin was sure Lily was that soul for her. The next step before anything else could be even considered was to figure out whether the twin would also be that soul for Lily.

The door behind them opened.

"Oh, hi," the voice of her brother cut the silence. "Everything okay?"

Rin turned towards him and pushed herself into smiling. "Yeah, thanks. I mean, I'm empty, but I'll make myself more."

"Okay. But hurry up," said Len, and his eyes were glowing with love and excitement. "Gumi's about to begin in a few."