CHAPTER 11: Black, Then White
They didn't need the spare chairs after all: Rin insisted she'd rather sit on the floor, and that's what she did. She and her new friend Lily sat down under the window, the blinking Christmas lights above turning their hair different colors every second or so.
Len was worried about his sister. What the hell was this change of heart? A few months ago, she would have been the life of any social event, making sure she was in the middle of everything, talking to everybody, making jokes and sarcastic remarks and – although he pretended not to see it – flirting. Now, the twin girl appeared as if she'd rather not be there, exiling herself to the corner, avoiding eye contact with anyone even though she already knew and was friends with most people in the room. It was completely out of character, which probably meant something was very wrong. At least Lily kept her company; maybe she knew more about this situation than he did.
That, in turn, made him jealous – but only for a time needed to breathe in and out once. Then, Len simply thought how good it probably was that Rin had found such a trusted companion. He himself had tried many times to talk to her about what's been truly going on. His sister had depression, of that he was convinced. Of course he felt sorry for her, but the more they talked about it, the more he realised he had no idea how to help her, if that was even in his competence. He didn't know what it meant to be depressed, he never experienced it to his knowledge. The thought of his own mind fighting against itself... Incomprehensible. He couldn't imagine what that must be like if he tried.
Not that the concept was all that new to him. As Meg had reminded him earlier that day, their friend and colleague Miku had been going through some sort of hardship as well, back when they were the Vocaloids. One winter evening when the project was on a break, they all received a text message containing her goodbye letter, she was ready to end her own life because she could no longer bear her mental struggle. A struggle that none of them were aware of. A few days later, after Miku was saved and treated, she was diagnosed as bipolar and went through several months of intense therapy before she was ready to rejoin the group and continue working.
Rin confessed to all of them that before that lifechanging night, Miku – who at the time was her best friend – came to her to talk about something that bothered her a couple of times. The twins were fourteen and Rin used to either dismiss her friend's attempts to talk about something so serious, or utterly underestimate the importance of the situation and the heaviness of Miku's inner machinations. Of course, Len wouldn't have known any better. Before it all went down, they only knew mental health issues through memes and gossip. "Crazy people" seemed so bizzare they could only make jokes about them. It's difficult to find empathy for something one has never encountered. It wasn't until the turqoise-haired girl's disorder was properly addressed and she told them stories from the sessions with her therapist that it hit the twins what it's like to mentally battle your way through life on a daily basis.
Perhaps that was the answer, Len thought. Maybe Rin should find a therapist as well. It was certainly a possibility, but internally, he refused to believe his little sister could be in that much trouble. Seeing a doctor, facing a diagnosis, being treated like... a sick person? Not that it would lessen his brotherly love for her or anything, but... He had always known her as an energetic, daring, obnoxious, big mouthed ball lightning. Admitting she might be mentally ill would feel to him like disregarding that whole part of her personality.
But then again, did that matter more than Rin's mental health?
The answer was obvious, but difficult to accept. Len would need time to figure this out, and he wanted to at least use it to show his sister all the support she needed, even though he might not be the best person for it. Besides, he sensed there was something else she was deliberately keeping from him, and he figured he couldn't help her with something she didn't want him to know. And he wasn't one to push for information, especially knowing Rin was dealing with enough badness already.
Len went back to the kitchen and tidied it up a bit, throwing away empty chip bags ("crisp," he corrected himself sarcastically), putting some things back in the fridge, pouring water into empty ice trays before placing them in the freezer and such. Meanwhile, Gumi went upstairs to use the bathroom and then grab her guitar. She would begin right after. That was a good reason for him to put his worries about Rin aside for the immediate future.
Footsteps, and then John entered the kitchen with an empty plate in his hand. "Well, the olives are gone," he simply stated.
"I told her we're gonna need more," Len replied.
John looked at him. "Why the long face?"
"Eh. I think Meg's nerves just rub on me." The twin didn't want to talk about Rin right now. Instead, he instantly diverted the talk in another direction. "By the way, before you ask, we did talk about the campaign two days ago."
"Oh, nice! What'd she say?"
"She said D&D doesn't sound like something she'd be all that interested in. Although, she would like to watch us play just to see what it's all about."
"Man. Well, that's okay. There's plenty of us already." John swiftly washed the empty plate and put it away; Len was grateful for that. "So if we don't have to wait for her to create a character, we can actually just start next week if everyone's on board!"
The twin smiled. "You can count on me. We've been talking about this for so long, I can't wait to get to it finally."
His housemate stood next to him. "Preparation takes time, especially since none of you assholes played before. I didn't even tell you all the rules!"
"You didn't? Man, there seem to be so much already!"
"Most of it isn't important in the beginning, don't worry. You know how stats work, you know how combat works – and also, you play a motherfucking wizard which is probably the most complicated class of them all."
"Yep. And you wonder why I feel overwhelmed."
"Don't worry, mate." John gave him a shoulder pat. "D&D is roleplaying, not rulebooks. What matters to me is that you guys are having fun, and I'll help guide you through the rules."
"I know, pal. Thanks." Len moved and started walking back towards the living room; John followed. "My excitement is bigger than my fear of rules."
"As it should!"
When he walked in, the twin couldn't help but look at his sister. She was still just sitting there, arms draped over her knees, staring in front of her with an empty expression. Lily was next to her, saying nothing, and she seemed to be waiting patiently. Only then did Len notice the tall girl's hand was on Rin's back, moving back and forth to comfort her. As if...
Len quickly looked away while he walked towards an empty armchair. He suddenly suspected he saw an intimate moment that nobody should have seen.
All guests were in there. Mary, Meg's kind of chubby colleague with curly red hair and big glasses; her tall, skinny, pale boyfriend whose name Len had already forgotten; and another friend from work, dark-skinned Carol with a huge pink bowtie in her hair.
"...and not only did the author name each chapter after a quote from the game," Mary was just saying; "they also worked those quotes into the story itself as the last line of each chapter! Isn't that clever?"
"Wow!" the other girl nodded her head in respect. "Do you recall an example?"
"Well... You know how Flowey says 'but nobody came' in both routes?"
"Naturally."
"Well, I think it's the third chapter that's literally called that and there's a scene at the end where Frisk storms out of a club, and she's hoping Asriel would come chasing after her because she has a huge crush on him but she's too scared to tell him. And the chapter ends with her walking away, expecting him to show up, but nobody came."
"Damn! That author must be an excellent troll," said Carol.
While they were talking, Len and John both sat down and listened to the conversation. "What are y'all talking about? I don't think I got any of that," the twin asked.
"Oh, it's just an Undertale fanfic I've been reading," Mary explained. "Do you know Undertale?"
"I don't, sorry. Nor do I read fanfics, I'm afraid."
John smirked in his direction. "And yet I think this one would hit close to home, wouldn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
"The thing that she just described sounds kind of like you and Meg got together. You both crushed hard for months but wouldn't actually talk about it."
"Trust me, when we did get together, we did more than just talked," Len assured him in a sassy tone, and everyone around chuckled at the obvious innuendo. He surprised himself: a couple of weeks ago he would have been too awkward to even talk about sex, let alone to admit he experienced it and then casually joke about it. It seemed Rin wasn't the only one who's changed.
"So those two characters," Mary's boyfriend spoke up; he had his hand on her thigh, and her own hand was covering his. They looked like they had to reassure of the other one's closeness and feelings, even while sitting next to each other. "Do they also get together?"
Mary smiled, entertained by the thought that her man took such interest in this fan fiction. "I'm not at the end yet, but I sure hope so! I mean, what kind of author would write a romantic story where the ship doesn't happen in the end?"
"Except more often than not, fanfics exploit the ships as soon as possible, and the rest of the story is just pure fluff or shagging, depending on who writes it," Carol pondered.
"You aren't wrong. Usually the author is just horny. Like, give me an actual love story, for crying out loud!"
"Don't worry, I have a few love songs too, girl," said Meg who had just walked in. Len looked up: she was as beautiful as ever and with the guitar in her hand, she absolutely looked like she was made for this. In his opinion, at least.
"Yo, there you are!" Mary exclaimed. "Are you ready? We're dying to hear it!"
"I mean, yeah, let's go! If everyone's got something to eat and drink and..."
Len rolled his eyes with a smirk. "We're fine, babe. You've got all of our attention."
"Well, shit. Alright, here I go!" Gumi stepped forward, walked across the room and sat down in the chair that she'd placed there for herself. They cheered her on just a little bit; nobody thought to clap, the atmosphere wasn't right for that.
"Okay. Let's go," said Meg and cleared her throat. "You know, my philosophy- don't you laugh now, Carol, this is important!" she immediately stopped with a giggle as her friend snickered at the word 'philosophy'.
The green haired girl continued. "My philosophy has always been: if you don't want to do something, just jump right in the middle of it. It's easier than prolonging your pain. And that, in a nutshell, is why we're here tonight! So. Here's how this is going to work. I have six songs ready, I'm just gonna run through them quickly and then we can all get smashed together."
"Right on!" Mary shouted into the subsequent all-room laughter.
Meg grabbed her guitar eagerly and struck a single chord before muting the strings again. "Also also, before I forget, thank you all for being here, at least some of you are my favourite people in the whole wide world-" Another crowd chuckle. "-and I've been dreaming about doing this for years, I swear I'm not gonna cry, but it is a big moment. And I certainly wouldn't be here had it not been for Lenny there..."
"Yeah!" John raised his glass to toast the twin; everybody joined in. Len gave them a sheepish smile in return; he anticipated his woman might say something like that, and he almost tolerated it.
"That fucking guy," Meg looked directly at him and smiled with more love and appreciation than ever; "not only came up with the idea to do this thing tonight, but he has been right there with me from the beginning, teaching me how to play, finding me vocal coaches, helping me and supporting me way more than I deserved, and it also took me four years to convince him to be my boyfriend, but I finally succeeded." More laughter. "Buddy, I can't put into words how much you mean to me so I just hope I'll make you proud today."
"You make me proud every day, babe!" he assured her out loud to the sound of "aww" that both Mary and Carol immediately made.
"God dammit, I said I wouldn't cry," Gumi replied and cleared her throat again, louder and more resolute than the first time. "Okay! So, the first song is a collab between me and a certain girl that I met online. Her name is Cien, she writes and we kinda talked and I ended up turning one of her works into lyrics and wrote music for it. It sounds a lot different in my head but all I've got is this guitar, so we'll just have to see how it goes. If you like it, it might become something bigger in the future. You guys ready for it?"
"Yeah!" resonated around the room.
"Alrighty." Meg closed her eyes, breathed out and smiled nervously. "This song is called Echo."
She began to strum the guitar and eventually opened her mouth and started singing. Len couldn't help the wave of nostalgia that washed over him. Where was the fourteen-year-old girl who told him she wanted to learn how to sing? Where was his sixteen-year-old friend who had just dyed her hair for the first time and asked him to teach her how to play the guitar as well? The fresh adult who had to beg her parents to let her come along with the twins as soon as they started talking about moving to the UK? Gumi literally started from ground zero and worked her way here through nothing but her undying enthusiasm and dedication. Sure, this here was just a preview for half a dozen friends in a living room, but the message was clear: Meg's training was complete, and now the real adventure was finally beginning.
It was over in about forty minutes.
"You wanna know something?" Len told her some time later back in the hall, when they had a short moment of privacy. "I was going to sneak out today and get you flowers. But you didn't let me."
Gumi laughed jovially. "Aw. Thanks, but that's okay. I don't need flowers when I'm with you."
"And yet, you could have had me and flowers. I guess you'll have to wait until tomorrow, then."
She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him in for a kiss. "I love you so much, you dork. You don't have to spoil me that much."
"You know, when we got together, I was trying to figure out what my love language was. I think it's all of them."
"Well, you already know what mine is."
"Indeed. I hope to practice that later tonight."
"I'm kinda exhausted tonight," Gumi giggled and leaned forward to whisper into his ear: "I wouldn't say 'no' to some head, though."
"Alright. I guess you deserve it," he whispered back with a grin.
"You're damn right I do! That," Meg took a step back and threw her arms around wildly, "was awe-SOME! I feel like I could take on the world!"
The twin was smiling ear to ear. She completely could. Not that her short set was flawless; there were a few misplaced chords and a couple of forgotten lyrics, both of which Meg would immediately laugh off. No, it was amazing because it was heartfelt. She wasn't selling them anything she wouldn't identify with, she only offered them her authentic beautiful self. If she found the right audience, Len was positive she would be absolutely beloved.
"So what happens now?" he asked. "Do you want to start performing for real?"
Gumi looked at him as the weight of her future responsibilities fell on her shoulders. "Uuuuh. That's tomorrow's problem. I've done enough work for one day. Right now," and she took him by the hand and dragged him towards the kitchen; "I want a Jack with coke. You want one, too?"
"Sure. Should we ask the rest if they want to join in?"
Meg let go of his hand. "That's a good idea! You go do that, I'm gonna start preparing them."
Len walked back out of the kitchen and straight into the living room. There was a joyful atmosphere in there: John, Carol, Mary and her boyfriend and even Lily were sitting in a semi-circle in the sofa and armchairs, talking and laughing. Most of them had various substances in their glasses or cups. The twin scoped the room for his sister only to notice she was nowhere to be found. In fact, now that his mind turned towards her, he realised he hadn't seen her since Gumi finished her final song.
"My people!" he spoke up, and their heads turned towards him. "Two things. First of all, Meg and I are having Jack and coke, does anyone else want some?"
John looked at his near-empty glass. "Yes, actually!"
Lily and Carol shook her heads and smiled. Mary and her man looked at each other. "What do you think?" "Sure." "Okay, two more please, thank you!"
"Alright, that's five total, got it." Len looked around just to make sure. "And second, where did Rin go?"
Lily shrugged and frowned. "I think she went to her room. She wasn't feeling well."
"Oh. Okay. Do you think I should check on her?"
The two of them shared a look, and the twin had a feeling they had a mutual understanding of what kind of 'not feeling well' they were talking about.
"I don't think she'd want that. I'm gonna go say bye to her before I leave. I'm gonna be going in a few minutes, anyway."
"What? No!" John turned towards her. "We barely got to know you!"
"Sorry. I've got shit to do tomorrow." She smiled at him.
"That's too bad," said Len. "Alright, I'm gonna go help Meg with those Jacks. Let us know if you need anything else, alright?"
"For the twentieth time, we've got everything, thanks!" Carol exclaimed, and a few people chuckled.
He went back to meet Gumi in the kitchen. "John, Mary and... I'm sorry, what's her boyfriend called? I still don't remember."
The green girl just finished pouring coke into their glasses; the ice cubes inside crackled and clacked together. "Peter, you doofus," she answered and sticked her tongue out at him.
"Thanks. So, Peter, Mary and John will join us," said Len, approached Meg from the rear and gently squeezed her behind. "They all seem to be getting along with Lily quite well, but she said she's gonna have to go soon."
"Aw. I was looking forward to talking to her. Although, I had a feeling Rin wouldn't let anyone else approach her."
The twin watched her take three more glasses and start to put ice into them. "Speaking of... it appears as if Rin is hiding upstairs. I noticed she was in a shit mood again."
"Really?" His girlfriend emptied the ice tray into the last glass and placed it on the counter. "You know, I don't know what to do with her anymore. My gut reaction is to think she's being dramatic, but then I don't think it's really her fault, is it?"
He crossed his arms and sighed. "I was thinking that maybe she should see a therapist. What do you think?"
"I have no idea. I've never been to therapy and I don't know what, um... qualifies as a big enough problem to go."
"To be honest," Len confessed while Gumi poured small amounts of Jack into the glasses; "since I remember vividly what happened to Miku... Sometimes I'm scared that Rin will be getting those thoughts too. If she doesn't already."
She looked him in the eye. "No. I don't believe that."
"That's the worst part. None of us had any idea Miku wanted to kill herself until she was this close-" he put his thumb and index finger impossibly close together; "-to leaping off a bridge. There were literally no signs, or we were too dumb to see them."
"It still haunts you, doesn't it?" Meg put down the bottle and turned her whole person towards him, her hands at her hips.
"I haven't thought about it for years, but... I don't know. Now that I'm coming to terms with Rin being depressed or whatever, it's kind of coming back. And... All I know is that I don't want to live through that again. And I certainly don't want my sister to suffer."
"Come here, you," said Gumi and pulled him in for a comforting embrace. He clenched her back. He was so happy that he had someone like her by his side of all people; although they usually flirted and eye-fucked each other all day long, whenever one of them needed to be serious, the other provided all the support and care in the world. How lucky he was.
"It's going to be okay," she said. "I promise." Len knew she couldn't possibly guarantee it, but he was grateful nonetheless.
