Trigger warning for this chapter: description of self harm.
CHAPTER 12: What Goes Around
"You don't have to."
"I fucking know I don't have to, but I want to. Unless you'd rather walk home by yourself, I wouldn't wanna be a nuisance."
"You don't have to get aggressive. But you'll have to make your way back all on your own."
Rin, having continued to drink from the bottle of vodka she "borrowed" from the kitchen before she went upstairs, has been getting tipsy – and also increasingly impatient. "Don't you worry, I can manage. If worse comes to worst, I can always call a cab."
"Okay, fine. But get a coat or something."
"No, I won't. It's not that cold."
"Okay, then. Suit yourself." Lily crossed her arms and waited patiently. "Come on, then."
Rin left her room and walked downstairs with her companion close behind. Lily originally went upstairs to say goodbye before she left, but the twin wanted to use this opportunity to spend more time with her – the only person she wanted to be with at the moment. She was very angry at herself: she spent most of the evening dissociating, and if anyone asked, she wouldn't be able to recall two percent of Gumi's music. All she had was the inner turmoil that started earlier with all the questioning, the memories and the emotional overload. She needed to get away and not talk to anyone – at least other than Lily.
She didn't even talk to Meg after she finished her short set. The twin sat through it because she had some sense of duty, but she'd rather not be there. Hell, she'd rather not exist. She avoided all human contact after that until Lily came looking for her.
A bit later – Rin didn't even tell anyone she was leaving too – the two women walked side by side through the quiet street, silent for a good couple of minutes. Eventually, mildly drunken chaotic thoughts rotating in her mind, the twin's had enough of it. She stopped. Lily took two more steps forward, noticed her friend isn't with her anymore, and turned around. Rin was afraid to look at her directly, she was simply hypnotising her shoes.
"I..." she spoke up, trying to figure out what she should even say. She wasn't able to. Trying to open her heart and mind to provide any sort of explanation, apology, reassurance, whatever she wanted – it only resulted in her getting teary eyed. "What the fuck are we even doing right now?"
She watched Lily's legs slowly move closer. "You tell me. What's going on?"
There was so much she wanted to tell her. Not only did she not know where to begin, she hadn't even sorted out what needed to be said and what needed to be heard to begin with. Rin felt a tear streak running down her cheek, but she held it together for the time being.
"I..." she tried again. "I have a boyfriend." Really? she scolded herself immediately. That's what you're starting with?
Lily took a second to respond: "O... kay? Is that a problem?"
"I don't know. I don't even like him, but... he was the only one available," she sobbed. "Fuck, it sounds even worse if I say it out loud."
She managed to lift her head and look directly into the tall girl's face. She looked confused, but even more so worried. Rin quickly lowered her gaze again.
"Look, I'm sorry," she continued. "You can keep walking. I'll just... go."
Before she knew it, she collapsed on the pavement, sat down on the curb and cried, trying to shut her eyes tightly and saying "fuck" to herself quietly, over and over again.
The twin didn't know how much time had passed before her brain acknowledged that Lily didn't, in fact, abandon her as she instructed her. She simply sat down next to her without a word, took her hand and held it, caressing it ever so softly with her thumb.
The only audible sound for the next minute was Rin's weeping, slowly turning into heavy breaths.
"Do you have a tissue?" she asked Lily through her sniffling. The bass player, still quiet, reached into one of her pockets and offered her a small pack of paper tissues; the twin let go of her hand to wedge a single piece out to dry her eyes and blow her nose.
"Thanks," she told her then. "You're a fucking asshole, I told you to go home."
"Do you mean that?"
Rin hugged her knees and slammed her forehead against her crossed forearms. "Ugh. No. I'm sorry. I just don't get it."
"Get what? That I like you?"
She nodded, rubbing her head against her sleeves.
"Listen, that's my decision, not yours. If you want to hate yourself, that's a whole other thing. But don't force others to hate you, too."
Had the twin not cried before, she might have started now. Since she did, she was both dried out and emotionally numb.
Lily scooted closer; their shoulders were now touching. Then, she started talking.
"We moved here from London when I was sixteen. I never had many friends, but I changed schools and it was pretty much impossible for me to fit in. Also considering at the time, I was just finding out I was gay." Rin felt a jab at her heart after that remark. "My dad didn't like that, and mum refused to talk to me about it because of that. So I had nobody. I moved out at eighteen, as soon as I could. And I've had the loneliest year of my life ahead of me. I came straight home after work, I functioned on energy drinks, I barely ate, I barely slept, and... look."
The twin, enthralled by the girl's backstory, turned her head. Her companion pulled up her right pant leg as high as she could and showed her a series of small linear scars on her shin and calf. Rin felt chills down her spine.
"They go all the way up," Lily continued and threw her pant leg back. "And up the left leg, too. I've also got a few on my pelvis. I figured I'd rather cut my legs because I still liked wearing short sleeves and I didn't want anyone to ask me about it."
"Why'd you do that?" Rin asked, even though she felt like she knew the answer already.
"It... redirected the pain from my head into my legs, if that makes sense. I felt unseen and misunderstood and I thought it was all my fault. I wished I'd never been born. I had a huge fucking mess inside of me, and cutting myself felt so good. It allowed me to forget about it all, as though the hurting left me along with my blood. But it never left for long, and I needed more.
Of couse, the problems started when I realised I was addicted to it. Sometimes I went to the mall right after work just to buy a razor, hide in a toilet and..."
"Please," the twin interrupted. She felt a little sick. Lily wiggled uncomfortably; Rin guessed it wasn't easy for her to recall that part of her life and admired her bravery.
"Then, one day... I found myself naked in the bathtub, no water, and I just looked at myself. I was incredibly skinny, my body was aching, scars all over. And I had one single moment of clarity. I thought that if I didn't do something about it right then and there, I would never come out of it. I was ready to go step in front of a train and put an end to my sorry existence, but... I decided to give myself one last chance. I don't know what came over me. Maybe I just realised it wasn't my fault. I didn't choose to be who I was, but I sure as shit chose how to treat myself for it. And it wasn't fair.
So I called my mum. We barely spoke since I left, but she was the only person I thought I could contact at that point. I convinced her to come pick me up and when she arrived, I told her everything, I even showed her my legs. She was so mad. She yelled and called me things a mum should never call her daughter..." Lily's voice shook, and she stopped for a while. "But, when she calmed down, she just said: 'What do you need? What do you need, Lily, how can I bring you back?' And then we both broke down in tears and hugged, and... I knew at that moment how terrified she was to lose me."
She paused again. Rin stared at her: now Lily was the one whose cheeks were visibly wet. The twin thought in inappropriate to try and comfort her so she just kept looking, anticipating the story wasn't yet over. Eventually, the tall girl returned her gaze and smiled at her through her tears before wiping her eyes with her wrist.
"Anyway," she pressed on; "I quit the job I had, I left my flat and came back to living with my parents. My mum basically nursed me back to health and even tried to get me open up. My dad, not so much. I realised in time it didn't mean he didn't care, he was incredibly worried all that time. He just didn't know how to process it. Either way, the first chance I got, I signed up for university because I wanted a new beginning.
Then, one beautiful Summer afternoon, mum comes home and tells me about this psychotherapist that her friend is seeing and how much he was helping her through some tough times and maybe it would be worth the shot if I saw him as well? I was so sceptical about it, I thought how can I ever let a stranger talk me through whatever the hell was wrong with me if I can't even have a constructive discussion with my parents? But I went there to see what it was about, and it ended up changing my life. He was great. He didn't try to shame me or force his world views onto me. He just had me sit down and talk. And so I did. Maybe for the first time in my life, I had the time to process my thoughts and unwrap the reasons I felt so fucked up.
I cried in there a couple times, it wasn't easy. But after a few weeks, even though we barely scratched the surface and I'd keep seeing him for another three years, I started university with just a little bit more confidence. And that's where I met some amazing people like Jason who never judged me and took me in as one of their own. I had my first girlfriend while I was there, she warmed up to... you know. And here I am, four years later," she finished abruptly. "I have my own flat once again, but I never felt alone again."
Rin needed a moment to realise Lily was done talking. "Wow," she simply stated. "I don't know what to say to that."
"I just hope it helped you in some way."
The twin thought about it. "I think it did. But I don't yet know how, exactly. It's late, I'm a bit drunk, and also," she added when she realised she was shivering; "it's cold out here."
She felt a gentle punch on her shoulder. "I told you to dress up," the tall girl reminded her.
"Oh shut up, mom," she retorted, but smiled. "We should get going, shouldn't we?"
"I guess we should," Lily agreed and looked at her phone. "It's almost midnight."
She stood up and offered Rin her hand to help her up; she gladly let Lily pull her onto her feet. They started walking forward again, but their hands were intertwined still.
"You've known Jason for a while, then, huh?" Rin asked. For the time being, her thoughts were somewhat clearer.
"Oh yes, we had classes together. We were both into emo and pop punk back then. We even joked about starting a band together, even though I wasn't playing any instrument at that point. I think I was ready to sing, but then I started playing the bass some time later. And we did end up in a band together, how about that?"
"Yeah, you're welcome," the twin snorted.
"Jason's like a brother to me. I think. I'm an only child, I can only imagine this is what it feels like." Lily glimpsed over at Rin. "What is it like to have a twin brother?"
She smiled. "We used to be indistinguishable as kids, like two peas in a pod. When we grew older, our personalities sort of split. He used to be the quiet, introverted kid who always played on his phone. I became the opposite. Man, was I a wild kid! I once destroyed a guitar on stage just because I thought it would be fun."
"Was it?"
"Totally. I did get into a bit of trouble then with the management, but it was worth it."
They crossed a street and passed a lone man, probably on his way home from a pub. Rin could have sworn she caught him glaring at the two girls' joined hands and noticed how little she cared about it.
"Would you like to tell me more about your J-pop days?" Lily asked. "I'm very curious about how you ended up here."
The twin spent the majority of the remaining distance to Lily's place telling her everything from how she and Len auditioned, meeting the rest of the gang and becoming famous overnight all the way to how the management decided to only support Miku as the twins grew older and the rest of their colleagues no longer wanted to be a part of the Vocaloids. All along the way, the bass player listened, asked questions, and never let go of Rin's hand. She sobered up and relaxed; time and movement did the former, and Lily's presence took care of the latter.
"I discovered those bands when I was seventeen, and that whole world opened up before me," she was recalling half an hour later. "Even before we broke up, I was hardcore thinking that that's the kind of music I should be making, not those pop songs about fucking candy."
By then, her teeth were chattering. Lily heard that.
"Hey, you're freezing, are you not?" she asked.
"A bit. I can manage."
"You're coming upstairs with me and I'm at least pouring some tea into you, and don't you dare contest it," the tall girl informed her. She freed her hand only to wrap her arm around the twin's upper back and pull her closer towards herself. Rin reacted by doing the same, her own arm going underneath. They walked like this the rest of the distance, arriving at Lily's place in about two minutes.
"Go to the bedroom," said the home owner when they entered her apartment. "It's that door. There's a blanket on my bed, put it on before you turn into a motherfucking icicle on me. I'll be in the kitchen."
"So charming," the twin retorted sacrastically. She did as she was asked and soon stepped in front of Lily, wrapped cozily in a warm blanket. Then, he sat on one of two chairs at the kitchen table.
"Thank you," she said when her host put a full, hot tea cup in her hands. "I should have listened to you."
"Yeah, well, you're quite stubborn. You're lucky I find that kind of adorable," Lily responded and sat down on the other chair with her own tea in front.
Rin giggled. Now that her haze was at a rest, she had time to fully appreciate Lily's role in the last hour or so. She never left her hanging. The girl allowed her to get the tears out of her system without judging her, comforted her by telling her she wasn't alone in her struggles, and then they just talked about other things as though what had just happened wasn't a big deal. She suspected Lily wanted to make her feel safe enough to express her emotional turmoil when needed, and then assure her it didn't change anything about the way she looked at her. As if she really liked her. Yep, her adoration for the bass player was still there, burning ever so brightly.
"Hey," she remembered the bass player's lengthy confession. "Don't take this the wrong way, but... I'm really just curious, and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, it's okay if you don't want to. Please don't get mad. But-"
"Just spill it out, Rin," Lily said, looking at her intently.
"Can I... Can I see your scars again?" The twin gulped. "It's just that... Today you've shown me you could accept me despite of... my flaws. I know it sounds odd, but I sort of want to return the favor. Does that make sense?"
The tall girl kept staring. Rin couldn't tell what she was thinking.
"I'm-"
"I think I understand what you're getting at," Lily spoke up. "Sure, I can show you. Let's go back to the bedroom, it's going to be more comfortable there."
As the girls stood up and walked across the apartment, bringing the tea cups with them, the twin felt a weird, anticipating sensation in her stomach. She knew this feeling all too well, though it never came to her with another female. They sat next to each other on the bed; Lily placed her cup on her night stand.
Rin expected her to roll her pants up again, and so when the girl unbuttoned and slipped out of them entirely, it caught her off guard. She looked at her long skinny legs, following them up until they disappeared inside white, green-dotted panties.
There were so many scars forming a strange pattern on Lily's legs. The twin was at first mortified, but not by the visuals – more so by the thought that each one of them represented a dark moment in her love interest's life.
"Oh wow," she whispered, and then looked at Lily's tensed-up face. "I'm so sorry, Lil."
"It's okay," Lily replied. "It's a part of me now. I can't change who I was, but I'm trying to be better."
"You already are." The twin's eyes followed the scars once more. "I think they make you beautiful. Not that I have a scar kink or anything," she quickly clarified; "but your scars are a proof of how strong you are and how far you've come, in my opinion."
"That's... actually the sweetest comment I've ever heard about them. Thank you." Despite her saying that, the tall girl's posture still wasn't very relaxed. Maybe insecurity wasn't the issue?
"Do you want to touch them?" she asked, and there was the tiniest hint of excitement in her voice. "I don't mind."
Rin slowly set down her own tea cup and gently, with the tip of her fingers, inspected some of the scars on the upper part of Lily's right shin. She immediately noticed the goose bumps as her skin reacted to the touch, and in her mind, she knew she'd won already.
"I feel like I should remind you I have a boyfriend," she said quietly, but she didn't stop moving her fingers up and down the tall girl's leg.
"I know. And I feel like I should just send you home..." Lily replied even quieter. "But that would be too difficult, considering I fancy you quite a lot."
Rin smiled faintly. "Should I stop addressing the scars, or...?"
"I genuinely don't mind. I have some more as well, but you'll have to work for them."
She lifted her gaze and saw the girl looking directly at her with an unequivocal request written all over her face.
"Fuck it," the twin whispered, placed her hand on Lily's cheek and leaned forward for a kiss. They gave in to the intense feeling of intimacy they shared for each other, all the while their barely touched tea cups were slowly getting colder.
