CHAPTER 17: Panic
"Meg?"
She looked up from her notepad to see Len standing in the door. She was sitting behind her desk, trying to write some lyrics. "Yeah?"
The twin was smiling – and not without the hint of underlying melancholy that she's been seeing in him over the last couple days. "Guess who I just got off the phone with?"
"Hmm. That's a tough one. Probably not your sister, that wouldn't be big news."
"True. Well, I just talked to Miku!"
Gumi set her notepad down. "Shit, no way! How is she?"
Len walked in. The fact that he kept his distance was a reminder of how things were between them lately. The two of them toned their codependency way down without even acknowledging it. And they kept not acknowledging it for days and days on end.
She knew it was immature, but she sensed that even though they both knew there was something spoiled in the air, none of them wanted to address it. Gumi didn't know what her boyfriend's reasoning would have been, but for her, it was a stupid fear of letting the perfect first phase of their relationship end. She didn't know how this debate will turn up, the only certainty was that it most likely wouldn't be pretty. She was afraid of the unknown so much that she even put her usual direct approach aside and chose to procrastinate on this problem.
The twin sat down on her bed. "She's good. Busy as ever. But we've got free passes to her London concert! I just have to let her know how many. Do you wanna come?"
Meg's eyes lit up. "Obviously! It'd be great to see her after all this time."
"Awesome. I'll ask Rin, maybe she'd like to bring a plus one. And I guess John, too, it would be weird if he was the only one of us to stay behind."
"Okay, then." Gumi kept looking at Len, her mind was beginning to wander off. "Is that all?"
His face immediately dropped. "Not quite. I... I also wanted to know how you're doing."
There he is again, she thought. Worrying about me before he even brings himself into the picture. "I'm... good? We're talking every day, you know."
"We are." Len's face turned as he looked out the window. It was sunny outside, but Meg's room was obstructed from direct sunlight at this hour. "But I wouldn't call it a conversation, this polite small talk we've been maintaining lately."
They remained silent. Gumi simply didn't know how to respond. Or, rather, she knew how, a dozen different replies popped up in her mind, but none of them seemed ideal. This was way out of character and she knew it, which only solidified her stunned silence.
The boy's head shifted back towards her. "Can you not feel it?"
"Feel what?"
"This... this barrier between us. I feel like we should have a serious talk but I'm not even sure what the problem is. Or am I just imagining things?"
Meg sighed deeply. "No, you're not. You're right. Do you wanna talk about it right now?"
"If you wanna."
"I really don't. But we should." Her mouth twitched in a brief unhappy smirk. Len stood up only to close the door that he'd left open; Gumi got up as well, walked towards her bed, and the two of them sat next to each other.
"Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind?" the twin suggested.
She had to think about it for several seconds. "I just... I know this is dumb, but... I'm scared that the honeymoon phase is slipping away on my side."
Len frowned. "Okay? What does that mean?"
"I..." Meg's discomfort, caused by her rare lack of confidence, made it an immense struggle to put her thoughts into any words at all. "Just so you know, I do want to keep us alive. But for a few days I was wondering if we're really good together, and... I think that feeling kind of stuck with me."
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I also wanna keep this going. And to be frank..." The twin was stubbornly looking to the side as he said this: "...I feel the exact same way."
She gulped. "Why is that?"
What followed was a flood of words that Len had probably prepared in his head way in advance, even though he stuttered through it a bit.
"I like who you are and I would never want to change you. But I sometimes feel like you're dragging me behind you on your adventures. And at first I didn't mind, my life got more exciting with you in it, but I just don't have the energy to keep up with you all the time. Sometimes I like doing boring things, it's how I reset my brain. And I'm not blaming you for anything, but you've been pulling me through so many spontaneous decisions and new experiences in these last few weeks that I never had the time to do recharge like that. That's why... That's why the last couple of days when I was sick, I actually enjoyed having all that time to myself, and when it occurred to me, I started to feel so... guilty. Like I was betraying you somehow."
The twin breathed in, having reached the end of his monologue but still wanting to add more. "I guess... it got me thinking, too. I was wondering if I'm the type of guy who you could be happy with."
Gumi had to take all that in slowly. When Len said those words, they made complete sense. She noticed that this mutual stand-off-ish-ness started just as he got the fevers and had to take proper time to tend to himself. But that last remark...
"Wow," was all she could say initially. And then, as she thought about it, the exact reason why she was having second thoughts came back. "I have to tell you something, Lenny. I... fucked up."
"What?" he asked softly. Gumi couldn't immediately remember when was the last time she cried, but at this moment, she felt the tears forming up underneath her eyes.
"That one time I went drinking with Mary and Carol... something happened."
She could feel him flinch and it occurred to her how many wrong ideas he might be getting out of that. Even though the tears were now pouring out, she had to force herself to tell him everything as quickly as she could before Len would start to assume too much.
"I took Carol home because she was trashed, and she kept talking about how she envies Mary and me because she can't find a boyfriend and she feels lonely... and out of nowhere, she... she kissed me, and... and I kissed her back. Nothing else happened! But I was drunk and it – it felt good, and then when I came back home I was so ashamed that I didn't even want to tell you right away. But... it didn't mean anything! I was-"
"...drunk," Len finished her sentence for her. "I know."
Meg was quietly sobbing. "Are you mad?"
He took a deep breath. "Well, I'm not ecstatic, that's for sure."
"I'm sorry, Lenny. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, and – and I knew it was a mistake right away."
This time, it was the twin who had to comprehend all that she told him. He did, however, reach into his pocket and hand her a small packet of tissues. Gumi, still weeping, smiled internally. Even if he was mad, he still cared, and that was a good sign. Probably more than she deserbed. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
"And that's everything?" he asked.
"Yes."
"The whole reason you kept your distance from me?"
"Oh. Well... no, because..." And the tears were instantly coming back. "I would never cheat on you, it's not that! But it made me realise that if... if I was single, I would – I would have enjoyed doing that more often."
"Doing what, exactly?"
"Get drunk and make stupid decisions. I know you're against this, and I can't stress this enough, I would never hurt you like that. But I – I don't know. It got me thinking. I'm just stupid like that."
Len's whole torso now turned to face her. "Meg, if you want to tell me you'd rather hook up at random, just tell me now."
"That's now what I'm saying, you moron!" she suddenly exclaimed, desperate to make him see her whole perspective. "I love you! That's what matters the most to me."
"So what are you saying, then? Please, help me understand this."
Gumi sobbed and rested her face in both hands. "Don't you see how much I hate this? I want to be with you, but I also think about all the things I'll miss out on. And – and it's so fucking confusing because... of course I'm not going to act on that! And of course I'm happy with you! Don't – don't you ever doubt that for a second!"
"...but?"
"But... I don't even know anymore, dude. When I think of a different timeline where I get to just go out and have fun like that... I feel guilty because it's like I'm underappreciating what I have with you, and I don't want that. And I hate that I can't silence those thoughts completely."
When Len wasn't saying anything, she asked: "Do you believe me?"
"I don't know. I'm trying to wrap my head around it." The boy stood up slowly and paced back and forth. "What is it that bums you out so much? That you're not going to get to experience something?"
Her gaze followed him. "I guess... I want to know what it's like to just... live like that for a while. To not know. To randomly walk into someone and see what happens. And I would like to experience what different guys do differently, I want to know everything and see what I like best."
"Hmph." The twins steps stopped; he stood partially with his back turned towards her with his arms crossed.
"But none of that matters!" said Meg and stood up. "It's lowkey tempting, but what's most important to me is you! And I wouldn't trade this experience for anything." She approached him sheepishly and wrapped her arms around his belly from behind. "I'm madly in love with you. Fuck all I said. I don't want any of it if it meant we wouldn't be together."
She was aware how little sense her standpoints made when she put them next to one another. Never before would she think it was possible to feel two such opposing pulls; to be absolutely certain she was on the right path but to still keep turning her head and wonder how many opportunities might have closed behind her. Not that her urge to go out there and explore what the world had to offer was an actual struggle, it was a mere curiosity and she hoped Len understood what she was trying to say.
He didn't react to her hug physically. That might have been a good thing, considering he let Gumi keep her arms on him. "I really want to believe that you mean all that. I'm not mad at you for having those thoughts. But I'm scared that one day you'll conclude that I'm not good enough for you and you'll pursue what you just described."
"Then that would make me a pretty shitty person, won't you say?" Meg replied, clinging on to him. "I already feel shitty enough for fantasising about it, but I can't do much about it."
Len's arms finally uncrossed and covered her own, reassuring her grip. "I think it's similar to how I feel. These past few days I wondered if it'd be easier for me to be alone and organise my own time. But in the end, they're just a bunch of stupid what-ifs."
"Are we... sure we should be together if we're both having these thoughts?"
He didn't answer immediately. They merely stood there and enjoyed each other's presence. Gumi was holding on and trying to listen to her heart. The obvious answer was Yes, they should be together. But she couldn't decide whether her question was the voice of reason, or the voice of doubt and fear.
"If I put aside my pride because I like doing that," Len said slowly; "I think we're both panicking. I think... we're entitled to wonder about what would happen if things worked out differently. That doesn't mean we're not true to one another. What's important is whether or not we do something that would hurt us. And I think it's safe to say neither of us want that."
"Certainly not," Meg nodded, rubbing her face against his shoulder blade in the process.
The twin turned around to face her and held her hands between the two of them. "Let's resolve this, then. This doesn't have to be an impass, Meg. What can I do better to make you feel more comfortable?"
Him asking that question sent a fresh wave of love through her body. "Just... Keep being honest with me. And I promise I'll do the same for you."
"Obviously. But I meant if there's a way to... how do I say... satisfy your curiosity."
Gumi scowled. "I don't really want to entertain those thoughts."
"I'm not implying you should sleep around. Buuuut..." Len's forearms slowly slithered onto her shoulders, pulling her closer. "What if, every once in a while, we tried something special in bed? I can get behind that if that's what you're curious about."
Meg's eyebrows shot upwards. "That's not necessarily the big issue, though."
"I know, I'm brainstorming. Bottom line is, I don't want you to be bored with me. And I know I can come off as a pretty boring person."
"That's not true," she assured him automatically.
"That depends. I think most people on the planet appear boring when compared to you," Len teased her with a cheeky grin.
She let out an exaggerated sigh; she was mildly amused by his remark. "That's fair. And I've got to admit, there are some things I'm curious about. I haven't brought it up yet because I kind of assumed you wouldn't be into it."
The twin looked a little timid. "I wouldn't say it compells me, but I'm not opposed to it, either. If it's something that would get you excited, I can get behind it."
"Thank you, my hero." She stretched up and smooched him. It was brief and careful; her confidence was coming back, but her sad carefulness didn't leave the room yet. "I want to do more exciting things with you in general. But it's up to you to draw the line, buddy. Like, if I wanted to take you sky diving and you told me 'no,' that's okay. We're a team. We've got to figure it out together."
"We're a team," he repeated. "There's just one more thing."
"Yeah?"
Len's expression became serious, hesitant somewhat. "I promise to give you every drop of energy that I've got when we're together. But sometimes I'm just going to want to be left alone, and that doesn't mean I love you any less. I need you to respect that."
"Of course! And I will probably have to be more responsible when I'm drinking with my girls."
They hugged each other tightly. "This is beautiful," he remarked. "I think this is what adults couples do. Talk about stuff and find common ground."
"M-hm. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
"Is that it, then? Are we good?"
"I think so."
They let go and looked each other in the eye. She couldn't speak for him, but to her, it seemed as though the conversation they had both feared resolved relatively smoothly in the end. There was, however, still a trace of tension left between them.
"This doesn't feel right," she said. "I'm still sad."
Len placed his hand on the back of her head and brought her closer for a kiss on the forehead. "Wanna watch Friends and eat a bunch of pop corn?"
"That would be delightful. Thanks."
"Wanna do it first?"
She saw the spark in his eyes. He wasn't usually the one to bring it up, not to mention that casually. "I don't know if I'm in the mood, buddy."
"That's okay. I'll ask in an hour if your mood's changed."
Meg couldn't help but laugh. "You dork. We'll see."
"...so it sure as hell sounded like they made up," Rin was telling Lily a few hours later. "I'm happy for them, but I didn't need to listen to that."
They were hanging out at Lily's place. They had the TV on, scrolling through the channels randomly just to have some sort of background noise. Lily was sitting on the couch while the twin laid down next to her with her head in her girlfriend's lap.
"You're not usually all that quiet yourself, babe," the tall girl reminded her. "And I think it's sexy."
"Yeah, yeah. I just don't like to feel like I'm standing right next to them when they fuck. Meg's moans could shake the Earth's core."
"Ha ha. Maybe that just means your brother is that good."
"Well, good for her, I guess. Can we not talk about my brother's sex life?"
"You started it."
"Only because it's bizzare to me. I remember when we were both toddlers shitting in our diapers. It's odd to know that he... well, both of us grew up and have sex now."
Rin felt the soft touch of Lily's hand in her hair. "You're overthinking again."
"Sorry. I know."
"Besides, that's the downside of living with other people. Your privacy is often challenged."
"Why do you think I never brought a lay in the house? I didn't want the others to know what I was up to."
"Did you seriously never have sex in your own house?" The blond girl's voice was filled with genuine disbelief.
"I didn't! I always went home with someone else. Including you, babe."
"That's interesting. I never would've thought you would be insecure about that."
The twin grunted. "It wasn't about insecurity. I just wanted to keep it to myself."
"But why, though? Were you embarassed?"
"I wouldn't say so. I think... I didn't want to be publicly connected to those people."
"I see." Lily's hand moved and her arm draped over Rin's shoulder. "What about me, then?"
"What about you?"
"Do you want to be publicly connected to me? Your brother knows already, that probably amounts to something."
She thought about it. They'd barely been together for three weeks now. Rin was becoming comfortable with her role in their relationship and she was increasingly confident in showing her girlfriend proper affection in public – as long as nobody who actually knew them saw them together. She was aware that if they were to keep this up, they'd have to tell people sooner or later.
"You know what?" she said out loud and turned her head to look into Lily's face from below. "I'd like the others to know. But how the hell do we go about that?"
"That depends. Do you think your friends would find it shocking?"
"I don't know. Christian would. After Tom left the band, he warned me to keep my hands off the next bass player."
Her girlfriend laughed. "For real? Girl, you're terrible."
"Oh, bite me. It was worth it." Rin smiled and winked.
"I don't want to put pressure on you, you know?" Lily continued. "Do you think you're ready to come out?"
"I honestly don't know. I've got to call my parents first and see how that goes."
"Hmmm... That reminds me, do you think your parents would like the music that we're making right now?"
"I think so. My mom's more of a pop and classical person, but she would listen to anything not too aggressive. And dad's into eighties and nineties."
Lily scratched her own chin. "I was just wondering if you'd maybe like to fly them here for our first show."
"Really? I mean, that would be crazy."
"Would it, though? Did they ever come to visit you here?"
"They didn't. Len and I only came back home once since we moved, and the furthest our parents have ever traveled was to South Korea. Maybe you're right, they're due for a visit here.
"And maybe that would also be a good chance to come out to them, what do you think?"
Rin threw her arms up and stretched. "I don't know. It's still fresh, and I think I'd then be obliged to introduce you all. I'm not even sure how they'll take it yet."
"Alright. I just thought it was a good idea. But they can come see us play either way, can't they?"
"Okay. I'll talk to Lenny tomorrow. We should call them anyway, we haven't really talked in a few weeks."
The first live show where Rest In Neglect would be introduced to the public had been officially scheduled. They had seven weeks to prepare. Rin would have thought that'd be plenty of time, but once the date was known, she had started to feel the stable subtle bubbling of panic within her. She had to keep reminding herself that her colleagues were all behind her, and with the recording of their demo tape, there was nothing left to do but to start practicing their half-hour set.
This is it, the thought kept coming up. All you've been losing your mind over kicks off in July.
