A/N: Hello again and welcome to another exciting installment of...this-ness. In my head when I think about the fic it is divided into three parts, the innocent part (which has just ended. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!), The Violent Part (about to begin BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID!) and the angsty that becomes not so angsty conclusion part, and in my head each one of these is marked by a chapter, Accidentally in Love I think best represents the innocent part, and this, this is the violence bit. (:evil author laugh:) I BRING YOU...THE CLIMAX! This is inspired (more than a bit) by the way Vardaman writes in As I Lay Dying (remember, that was the book that inspired this whole thing almost a year ago?)
Warning: Lots of blood and profanity, lots an lots of angst.
hehehehe...
aztecgold822 - heheheehe! Slang crossing completely across the world! w00t! Yeah, Im a yank, Im from New Jersey, which rox! Uber is actually a German word meaning big (or something like that :D) but everyone in the USA, at least on the East Coast, uses it to mean cool or awesome (or a lot when its used like an uber load of homework but usually people use mad mad-load for that.) and stuff like that. No, its cool Im not offended, I dont know why I would be. XD! Sirius deprivation. Its a pun! LoLz! Serious depravation and Sirius deprivation! LoLz! Im totally honored by your reviews, they make me feel like...OMGTEHAWESOME! I love ya! (you should totally make a account if only so I can poke you.)
harrypotterfan52 - Shhh! I think that movie is soooo cute! Amethyst would beg to differ, too girlie. So her foot didnt pop because if it did she might go on strike, and having picket lines in your brain is not fun. Schizophrenic? Me? Why no. Never! Maybe just a little. Or a lot. hehe.
EsScaper - Thanx two fold. Ive never been in a relationship so its pretty tricky to write and thanx for the good luck on my SATs Im gonna need it:(
N. Beresford - thnx, actually your please update soon cuz its wonderful thing is one of the things that got me off my lazy butt to finish it. (Well not so lazy more, OMFGIHATEBEINGAJUNIORINHIGHSCHOOL! butt. LoLz.)
hotredhead - There are at least four more chappies to follow this so Im going to be adding a lot more. I like your user name.
- The Evil Duck
This one's going out to all of you (above) guys...
The Child of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
-Part 5-
Brothers In Blood
June 1976
Sirius Black is my brother.
Was my brother.
Sirius Black was my brother, but now he is nothing more than a filthy blood traitor who broke Mother's heart.
Deep down I love Sirius.
Loved Sirius.
Maybe only because he was my brother.
Maybe because of something else.
Maybe I respected something in him.
I never thought he was all the nasty things he pretended to be. I thought he was playing the rebel. I figured, and Mother did too, that Sirius was going through a phase. Our late Father assured us all of it and Sirius would laugh at him.
Sometimes I thought Father's reactions to Sirius were a bit...harsh. Cruel even. I never saw Sirius really get beaten, but hit, sure, loads of times.
I never thought Sirius didn't deserve it, but I always had some sympathy for him.
Well, not anymore.
Not really.
Maybe.
Maybe a little.
Maybe even more than before.
Now I just can't stop thinking about what happened, what he said, what she said, what I saw.
Is it my fault?
Is he really as bad as she, that filthy Muggle, is?
Did my Mother do something wrong?
Did she overreact?
It would be understandable but...
Sirius's room has been empty for three days, no one's been up there, no one's touched it, my Mother avoids the hall around it as well...the entire floor actually...and the floor that has the bottom of the stair that lead up to his tower bedroom and bathroom...
It hurts her to see it.
Would he still have run if...?
Would we ever have realized hed been...?
Does he know?
Does he know what he did to Mother?
Does he care?
Did he really mean what he said?
Any of it?
I suppose the answer lies in the events of three days ago. And I suppose now would be the best time to look them over.
Sirius disappeared early in the morning, as had become customary since we came home for the summer. He left a note explaining that he was going to go to Diagon Alley to keep himself busy. That in itself isn't that odd. Mother decided it was a good place for him to go and it would keep him out of her hair, and Lord knows she needed a break from him. Mother said it was better for him to go to Diagon Alley and at least be with fellow wizards instead of...
We were wrong to trust him. He was lying to us.
Looking back on it now, I wonder how long he'd been with the Muggle behind our backs, but just the thought makes me shiver with disgust. How could he do something like that? How could he stoop so low?
It was late, probably nine o'clock on a Wednesday night and I was coming home from my possible bride-to-be Ebony Rookwood's house, the younger sister of an important member of a political organization that Mother thinks would be beneficial for me to join. Father was the one who got our immediate Family involved (though the Ancient and Noble House itself has been involved for ages), although he never became a member himself. He was always in contact with those who were involved, people like Lucius Malfoy, Ebony's brother, and others. Rodulphus Lestrange (Bellatrixs soon-to-be husband) became involved shortly after Father's passing. I think he would have been proud to know so many members of our extended Family were getting involved.
Sirius was supposed to join too. The Smiths would speak to him about it every chance they got. He was polite to them, although looking back on it that may have been Father's doing, Sirius always treated Father with respect and quiet reverence. When I asked Mother about it after...it...she said that Sirius only acted like that out of fear.
He was terrified of Father.
I was walking home along a Muggle street, because although London is our capital city, the vast majority of the population is Muggle. When I asked Father why that was he told me it was the same reason why a house might have more rats, doxies, or roaches than people: vermin multiply faster. I usually think about these words walking through Muggle streets and I know he is right. The streets stink, the Muggles are loud and stupid, their cars and whatever else they use pollute everything so you can't see a single star and sometimes not even the moon over London.
Across the street a car slowed down to a stop, I would have ignored it, I always do, it makes me sick to watch them. The car pulled into an opened door, a muggle stepped out onto the asphalt in front of the door and gestured for someone to follow her.
I didnt look that way, didnt slow down or stop...
...until I heard his voice.
If I had been going home just a little later or just a little earlier I would have missed him completely and none of this would have happened.
Would it be better that way?
We would still be a family, Mother would not have to cry, Sirius wouldnt have had to leave...but...
But he still would have been with the Muggle.
He would still be lying to us.
Sirius spoke from inside the door, "I could live back here, you know."
I stopped dead.
I didn't question whether it was Sirius, Sirius is my brother...
...was my brother...
I would recognize his voice, his face, him, anywhere. I knew it was him but I didn't know how or why he was there.
"In the back of my Kombi?" said the Muggle. The Muggle he was with was looking back in the direction of his voice.
"Quite," Sirius's voice said, "I would sneak away in the mornings before your parents noticed me, steal some food to live off of, at least until I come of age, what'd you say?"
"Tempting," said the Muggle. When there came no response for a few moments the Muggle said, "Sirius, get out of my car."
He stepped out onto her side of the door and all doubt (if there had been any) was gone.
It was definitely Sirius Black, my brother, underneath the street lamp, dulled to orange and white by its dirty glow. "You don't want your two loves together in one place? Your car and your boyfriend?"
The words hit me hard.
He had to be lying.
He had to be joking.
Boyfriend?
No.
He wouldn't sink that low...
...he couldn't...
I think I will always continue to wonder why Sirius was with the Muggle that way.
Aunt Vega says it's because he can't tell right from wrong, morality from sin.
Uncle Cyrus says it's out of rebellion and that he would grow out of it in time and see how stupid he's been and regret all his mistakes but it will be too late.
Cousin Bellatrix says he's disgusting and always has been.
Cousin Narcissa says he's mad.
But I still don't know.
I still don't know.
I will never know.
"Like I said," the Muggle continued, "awfully tempting but Im going to have to pass, besides if my dad caught you living there he'd kill you. I had fun tonight."
"I always do," he said taking the Muggles hands in his, pulling her close to him. "One of these days we should just keep driving and never look back."
"You keep saying that," the Muggle said, "but I dont want to run. I want to stay here, we're kids, Sirius."
He shrugged, "one day..."
"Maybe," the Muggle agreed.
"Soon," Sirius said.
The Muggle shook her head, "one day means eventually not soon. Until then, I like living in the city and getting lost in the country with you. And if you run, don't go too far. I don't want to lose you."
Sirius smiled at the Muggle, "No matter what, Am, I love you and I'll be there, where ever there is. Even if I die."
"An angelic stalker," the Muggle laughed.
"Think more demonic." He told her.
Their lips touched and I almost vomited.
The kiss lasted forever and eternity. I couldn't tear my eyes away no matter how hard I tried.
Finally the Muggle broke off, "I have to go in. I love you."
"I love you too, Am," he told her releasing her hand last.
"I'd better not find you in my car tomorrow morning," the Muggle called to him over her shoulder as dissappeared into the darkness behind the door.
"I make no promises," he told her, he watched as the Muggle went into the house but before he turned around I ran, ran as fast as I could back Home.
I knew Mother would say something, she'd know what to do. She always has an answer. For everything always.
"Mother!" I screamed through the images in my head. They were all around me, my brother and the Muggle. I was so scared and confused. "Mother!"
"I'm in the sitting room Regulus, on the second floor, and don't shout!"
I think I was almost crying when I fell at her feet.
I don't remember what exactly I told her.
I don't remember what she was doing before I told her.
I don't remember what she told me.
I just remember how she got to her feet in silence and slow motion and waited for Sirius to come home. I stood in the shadows and I wondered what she was going to do.
I thought that in the end we'd still be a family and that she'd make everything better.
I thought Sirius would understand and it would all be forgotten about.
I thought maybe it was all a misunderstanding.
I thought Sirius would come around.
I thought everything was going to be all right.
I was wrong.
I don't remember waiting for the open, one moment I was telling Mother what I saw in words I dont remember, and the next Sirius was pushing the door opened. He was smiling broadly at first, but his smile began to disappear when he saw me then faded completely when he saw Mother.
"Hello," he said warmly. "What are you waiting around for, Mother? I'm sorry I'm so late, I got held up in Florrish and Blotts," I realized how many times hed probably lied to us. How disrespectful he was. And I felt cheated, stupid, and dirty.
He looked very different to me then. No longer almost an exact replica of Father, the same regal features, the same funny changing eyes, the same inky hair, but Sirius looked ugly and insect-like.
"Don't lie to me Sirius," Mother said and the room seemed to chill.
"Who's lying?" He asked.
"Regulus saw you, Sirius." Her voice was subzero, almost inhuman.
"Where?" Sirius looked at me and I knew there was something colder than Mother's voice.
"In the company of a Muggle, Sirius Black, kissing a Muggle!" she spat the words and they sounded as disgusting as I knew they tasted. Sirius seemed unfazed by their sound but his gaze on me got hard and black as coal. Maybe that's what he saw when he looked into Father's eyes. If that was the case I can understand why he was so afraid. "Dont try to deny it!"
"I wasnt going to," he said looking back at her his gaze didn't change, his tone matched hers, loud now, chaotic, screaming, as terrible and as shrill as any Muggle argument I'd overheard through windows in the night.
"So you admit it?" She asked, "you admit to be a disgusting, vile, dirty, hellish, filthy blood traitor?"
"Yeah, I do, gladly, proudly, it's better than marrying my fucking cousin! I'm not disgusting! This whole flipping family is!"
"Hold your tongue, Sirius Black!" Mother shouted and a jet of yellow light shot out of her wand and hit Sirius square in the face. Sirius fell backward, his tongue trapped behind his magically sealed lips. "You will not insult this Family, if your Father were here to--"
"But he isn't!" Sirius shouted managing to tear through the hex with the sound of a plug being pulled from a drain (he'd had a lot of practice doing this and one of the reasons Father and Mother stopped using the Sigillus hex was because Sirius worked out how to break it without magic), "he's dead, he's rotting in Hell where he belongs!"
"Do not disrespect your Father like that!"
"I'll disrespect him however I want. The bastard's DEAD! Worm chow! Six feet under!"
"You will not disgrace our Family! You will shut up now and you will explain what Regulus saw."
"I won't shut up! I'm done with being shut up! And Im glad to 'disgrace the Family name.' I'll gladly be a 'blood traitor.' You want to know why Mother? Because I dont give a shit, I couldn't care less about this bleeding family or your fucking traditions! I don't care! And what's more, you know who I do care about? I care about my girlfriend! That's right! She's my girlfriend. I've been seeing her since January! I've known her since last July! And I love her!"
"Crucio!"
I had never seen an Unforgivable Curse before and I hope never to see one again. There was a jet red light, then there was only screaming and noise. I may have only imagined I could hear his bones bending and muscles whining.
I hope I only imagined it.
It seemed an age before Mother released my brother and he got to his feet breathing heavily through his teeth, "right, fuck you bitch, that's it, I'm out of here. Fuck you, fuck this family, fuck every single one of you." He was heading towards the stairs, he pushed passed her. Sweat was trickling down his face and hands as he gripped the railing.
"Stop this now, Sirius, don't make me do that to you again," she didn't sound as if she would mind. And that scared me.
"Do what? Curse me? Beat me? Tell me I'm trash then treat me like it? I know how normal families act, Mother, I know that you're a psychotic bitch and I know Father was just a sadistic bastard with fewer brain cells than a toadstool! I know what this really is! This is child abuse!" He looked back at her to say this, hate in every syllable, words quivering around me.
Normal families?
Trash?
I know what this really is?
Child abuse?
No.
Not our Family.
Not Mother.
Not Father.
No, Muggles have child abuse. Wizards do not.
We're above that.
"Crucio!"
I don't know whether she did it just to make him stop or because she couldn't take what he was saying. It was all burning in my ears. Her curse hit one of the house elf heads on the wall but missed Sirius, who had run up stairs.
"Get back down here, Sirius Black, NOW! NOW! I'll kill you! GET DOWN HERE!" She continued to scream, and I was afraid.
I was afraid of her.
A century of Mother's screaming passed before I heard a distinct clunking overhead. Sirius appeared again at the top of the staircase, dragging his trunk behind him. He placed it at the top of the staircase in front of him, foot on the lid. He was staring at Mother with so much anger.
I was afraid of him as well.
I stayed in the shadows, praying it was all some dream, some misunderstanding, that everyone and everything would be all right, would be the same.
"Don't you dare," Mother hissed as Sirius pushed his trunk slightly with his foot.
His expression didn't change as he sent it crashing down the stairs. The sound was infinitely louder than anything I'd ever heard before in my life. It hurt more than my ears as it fell. I watched the trunk tumble and crash into the wall at the foot of the stairs, denting it below the plaque Father was given for donating to St. Mungo's. Sirius smirked and looked at Mother, challenging her.
"Crucio!" At first I thought maybe this time Sirius deserved it.
That it wouldn't last.
That she wouldnt hurt him, badly, again.
Because wizards don't abuse their children.
Because my Family wouldn't do anything like that.
But she didn't let up, not until Sirius fell forward in the red light and was tumbling, like his trunk, and as loudly as his trunk had, down the stairs, smacking hard against it so that blood burst from above his eyebrow.
I gasped, Sirius touched his forehead. "You bitch," He whispered to Mother, hands trembling, arms shaking, his entire body was quaking almost violently. There was sweat trickling from his hair.
"You made me do this Sirius," she told him, "get up now and get back up stairs."
He was already getting to his feet but he wasn't going toward his room. He pushed passed Mother. I had never noticed before then how much taller he was than she. Sirius was dragging his trunk.
The corner of it had a tiny splatter of his blood.
Red and dripping.
"Where do you think youre going?" Mother asked dangerously. "Away," he said shortly without turning around.
"Turn around this moment and go back to your room!" She shouted at him.
"No."
"I'm your Mother, you arrogant little worm, do as you're told!"
"Bugger off," Sirius told her any scrap of respect gone from his voice.
"Don't disrespect me."
"I'll do whatever the fuck I want," he told her dragging his trunk to the door.
"You have to do as I say!"
"I don't give a damn about what you say, so bugger off bitch! I hate you, I hate Father, and I hate him."
These words hurt me more than anything else that night.
Hate?
I have always loved Sirius, he's my brother, he's the one I was supposed to depend on...
I never thought he could hate any of us.
We're family.
We love each other.
Mother stood stunned, twitching, trying to think of what to say. She made one final attempt, "turn around now and your punishment will be severely reduced. Go to your room Sirius."
He should have taken it. Then he would still be here.
Then we could have laughed it off, Sirius is good about laughing things off.
It could have been a nightmare.
It could have ended then...
Sirius made no response but raised his right hand (which was not carrying his trunk) and raised his pointer and middle finger.
Flipping Mother off.
But as soon as they were raised they became bloody and formless.
There was a jet of purple light, then Sirius pulled his arm down, cradling it and hissing in pain. It was violent. Loud. I feel back into the shadows, I wanted to cry.
But Blacks don't cry.
Mother screeched.
Sirius cursed, wrenched the door opened and slammed it closed, leaving a trail of blood behind him.
The hall was so quiet you could hear the Earth turning.
My mind was spinning,
screaming.
I didn't know what had happened.
None of it made sense.
Then suddenly it became infinitely worse.
Mother sank to her knees, dropping her wand, sobbing freely, crying openly, something a Black must never do.
Blacks don't cry.
I knew then that it was over.
I knew then that Sirius had committed a far greater sin than I could have ever imagined.
I knew I couldn't cry, no matter how badly I wanted to.
I couldn't ask Mother what to do or what was happening because she didn't know.
But Mother knows everything.
Everything always.
But she was as lost and scared as I.
And I became even more afraid.
Mother was wailing.
And I could think of nothing else but that horrible sound.
"SIRIUS!" She screamed.
Kreature came suddenly to Mothers side, his disgusting green hands on her shoulder, and I knew I should have been the one there...
...but I couldn't move.
So I allowed our House Elf to comfort Mother.
"Kreature is sorry, Mistress, filthy blood-traitor, disrespectful, ungrateful, monster--"
"NO! NO! SIRIUS! SIRIUS! MY BABY! MY CHILD! SIRIUS!"
"Kreature thinks --"
"I DON'T CARE! I WANT MY BABY BACK! MY BABY, MY LITTLE BOY!" She was hardly breathing, as she pounded the ground, sobbing onto the rug. That was when I felt tears escape from my own eyes.
I don't recall how long I stood there.
I don't actually remember ever leaving that spot.
But when I woke on Thursday, Mother was hardly speaking...
...Sirius's room was empty...
...and I kept thinking it over, running everything in my mind, words, images, colors, curses.
I am still doing it.
I will continue to do it until the day I die.
Sometimes I can only see Mother crying and I know Sirius is to blame.
Then I can see only the red blur and the whine of bone and I blame Mother.
I look through the portraits in our House, searching for the one that will always stand out in my mind. I must have been six or seven and Sirius was just about eight. Father was still alive and strong then, Mother was happy, and we were a family.
We were my Family.
I don't know when or how it changed.
I don't know if I've been blind not to see it before.
But I wish it could all go back to normal.
All go back to being Happy.
A/N: BEST CHAPTER EVER! Sorry, tooting my own horn, but I am SOOO f'in' happy with how this turned out! I could squee over myself right now. LoLz. Jeez! Oh and before I go on Sirius's (slightly OOC) speech about devotion was inspired by Flogging Molly's "If I Ever Leave This World Alive" Drunken Lullibies 2003 (I think)
