Disclaimer: The Bartimaeus Trilogy belongs to Jonathan Stroud. This is a Miss Cam-authorized spin-off.
The BartimaeusFanfictionAcademy
Kim was still screaming as she sat bolt upright in an unfamiliar bed. She probably would have continued to do so until she ran out of oxygen if a large, very full glass of water hadn't been splashed in her face. Most of it went into her open mouth, and she choked. Coughing violently, the liquid running out of her mouth and nose, Kim blinked startled tears out of her eyes and looked at her assailant.
It was a girl about three years older than her, and she didn't look amused. Rather, she looked as if she was nursing a particularly violent headache. Kim's angry shout of "What the hell did you do that for?" died on her lips.
"About time you shut up," the girl grumbled. "I have a wicked migraine now, thanks to you."
"Um…sorry?" she offered, brushing wet strands of hair out of her face. The disgruntled girl shrugged jerkily and flopped down on her bed, picking up a copy of The Golem's Eye and beginning to read, thereby ignoring Kim completely.
The door opened and two more girls, both giggling insanely, darted into the room. One of them, a girl with tangly brown hair, looked over at Kim and said, "Oh – you're awake. You might want to get dressed: there's an assembly in half an hour."
"What do you mean? Who are you? And where are we?"
"Wonderful: another genius," the older girl muttered, turning a page in her book. The brunette clucked reproachfully and turned back to Kim. "We're at the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy! Didn't you read your letter?"
"The…" It was all coming back to her: the portal, the woman – Alima the imp-trainer – and that ridiculously enormous form. "Oh!"
"I'm Marissa," the girl said, offering Kim her hand. As she shook it, the girl who had entered with Marissa lifted a hand and said, "I'm Taci. All the characters are here!"
"They are? Nathaniel…is here? In this building?"
She leapt off the bed and dived towards the nearest bureau. The girl reading, who still hadn't introduced herself, snorted and said, "I don't know why you're so excited about seeing Nathaniel when Bartimaeus is here, too."
Kim didn't answer; she was busy sifting through the contents of the dresser. She needed something cool, sophisticated, flirty, yet dignified….
There was nothing of that sort in the dresser. With a certain amount of disappointment, Kim settled on a purple T-shirt and ordinary jeans. Her shoes, which she had still been wearing when she fell asleep yesterday, were sitting by the foot of her bed.
"We'd better get going," Marissa said, glancing at her watch. "I'm not sure how to get to the lecture hall. And you still need to tell us your name."
This last statement was directed at the girl perched on her bed, who glanced up from her book and said, "Fine. Call me Double-D."
"Nice to meet you," Kim tried, and got a stare in return. Shrinking back slightly, she edged around her bed and joined Marissa and Taci, who had started giggling again over who-knows-what, as they left the room. Somewhat-scary roommate or not, it hardly mattered if she was going to see Nathaniel. Kim combed her fingers through her hair anxiously as they followed the sound of many voices that led them to the hall.
-
During all this, Grim had been pacing back and forth in her office, gesturing sharply at random intervals and mumbling fragments of her welcoming speech to herself to see if a) it sounded imposing enough and, more importantly, b) it was grammatically correct. She really should have tested it on Alex, just to make sure, but the newly-appointed staff member had only just arrived, for God's sake.
She paused in front of her computer screen – blank and black for once – and squinted at her dim reflection. Hair under control: check. Nothing stuck in teeth: check. Clothing neat and impressive: she couldn't tell. Damn.
The door opened without any warning.
"For the love of Gladstone, knock first!" Grim barked automatically.
"So sorry," said someone female, who in actuality sounded more amused than apologetic – Contrarian.
"If you're done muttering to yourself," the ever-sarcastic voice of Bartimaeus broke in, "Almost all of the nitwits are now in the hall. Almost all of them are constantly staring at me too, so you'd better get down there and distract them. I don't know what their collective problem is–"
"Oh, yes you do, you're just too horrified to admit it," Contrarian told him impatiently.
"Both of you are disrupting my chi," Grim snapped. "Go take your places at the staff table; I'll be down in a minute."
"You're the boss, Boss," Contrarian said calmly, unaffected by Grim's sharp tone (which annoyed the headmistress slightly), and left. Bartimaeus winced at the thought of returning to the hall only to be stared at by drooling adolescents, then followed her. Grim sighed, taking a moment to steel herself – an idiotic audience or not, public speaking had never been one of her strengths – and stalked out of her office as well.
-
Kim, Marissa, and Taci had found the lecture hall without too much difficulty, although a wrong turn that took them down into the lower levels briefly had wasted some time, and Kim situated herself on one of the long wooden benches next to a scrawny boy who looked to be about her age.
"Hey!" he said brightly – the first enthusiastic greeting she'd gotten since arriving. She grinned widely at him in return.
"Hi, I'm Kim."
"Timmy," he said, taking her hand and pumping her arm up and down so forcefully her head bobbed. As she was steadying herself upon being released, he asked, "So, who's your favorite character?"
"Nathaniel," she said, hearing the dreamy tone entering her voice. "He's sooo cute. Who's yours – Kitty? Or what's-her-name…Jill?"
"Jane," Double-D's voice sounded near her right ear, and Kim squeaked in surprise. The older girl smirked slightly at her reaction, although annoyance soon worked its way back into her features.
"Jane Farrar," she repeated. "Have you even read the second book?"
"Yes," Kim said defensively, twisting her body so that her back was almost to Double-D and looked expectantly at Timmy.
"Bartimaeus," he said in answer to her question, getting starry-eyed. Kim felt her brow furrowing.
"He's so hot," Timmy continued, oblivious to Kim's surprise. "And he can take on any shape…."
He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, his grin now slightly manic, and Kim smiled back weakly, scooting away from him slightly so that she bumped into Double-D, who frowned at her. Timmy didn't seem to have noticed Kim's reaction, probably because a door near the staff table had opened, and three people came in.
One, Kim noticed with a rush of dizziness, was Him. Nathaniel.
Oh, my God.
Her lust object took a seat at the staff table between a frightening-looking older woman and a girl who, Kim noticed with some confusion, was no older than Double-D and didn't look like any canon character she knew of. He nodded to this girl politely, and Kim felt a rush of envy. The second of the three newcomers was a huge man in a chef's hat and apron, who was wielding a menacing-looking meat cleaver. This frightening character, who Kim vaguely remembered from the first book, sat down at the very end of the long table. Last came another girl Kim didn't recognize from the books, tugging at her skirt as she strode towards the table. Her lips were pressed tightly together: either she was extremely annoyed or she was about to be sick – Kim couldn't tell.
The young woman stepped up to a podium that was situated in front of and at the center of the staff table. She paused, staring around at the large group assembled, and took a deep breath, which was heard clearly by everyone in the room thanks to the microphone in front of her mouth. Looking annoyed, she shook her head and said curtly, "Welcome, all of you, to the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy. I am Grim, the Headmistress, and I'm sure I speak for all of the staff when I say that I hope to see the lot of you learn, improve, and (with a lot of work) earn your Writer's License at the end of this year. Before I continue, I will introduce you to the staff."
She waved a hand towards the far left side of the table. "They are: Jane Farrar," there were a few wolf-whistles from a small cluster of boys near the front, which ceased when the headmistress paused to glare at them harshly, "Arthur Underwood, Simon Lovelace, Rupert Devereaux, Kitty Jones," in spite of the stare the boys in front had gotten earlier, there were a few catcalls, but these were accompanied by appreciative applause from several students. Grim paused for a minute, looking a bit exasperated, then continued once the noise had died down, "Bartimaeus," she had to stop again as thunderous applause and cheers filled the hall. Even Double-D was grinning now, clapping hard. Some of the staff members, too, were clapping politely. The djinni tossed a casual grin at them all, but looked like he regretted it when the cheers were punctuated by loving sighs. Timmy swooned, and Kim scooted even farther away, practically crawling into Double-D's lap.
"All right, settle down; we haven't got all day" Grim said impatiently. Gradually the applause died away. The headmistress shook her head and plowed on, gesturing towards a young girl with blonde hair, "Alex, who is not a character but will be teaching you about grammar, Jessica Whitwell, Nathaniel," again she paused, looking more resigned than irritated now as clapping (though less enthusiastic than it had been for Bartimaeus) filled the air. Kim couldn't resist a small whoop. Double-D rolled her eyes. "Contrarian," Grim continued, motioning towards the unfamiliar girl next to Nathaniel (who Kim now extremely disliked for that reason).
To Kim's surprise, there were smatterings of polite applause. Contrarian smiled slightly, adjusting the eyeglasses that had been gradually slipping down the bridge of her nose, and Kim let a discontented puff of air escape her lips.
"Jeff," Grim said, indicating a boy with medium-length, brown hair that Kim didn't know, "Probably better known to some of you as Bowles."
At this, there was more applause. Kim glanced at Double-D in confusion. "Who are these people?"
"Popular fanfiction authors," she answered shortly as she clapped for Jeff.
"Queezle," – applause – "Fred, Stanley, Alima (our imp trainer), and, lastly, Faquarl.
"Now I'm going to alert you to some of the more important rules," the headmistress said with a grim smile. "First, and I cannot emphasize this enough, there will be no stampeding whatsoever. You will keep a respectable distance – and by that I mean at least ten feet – away from the staff members at all times. Attempts to seduce a staff member will result in severe consequences. Second, you will attend all of your classes and be on time. Tardiness will result in a detention. The layout of the building is fairly straightforward, as you will discover, so 'I lost my way' will cease to be an excuse after the first few days. Failure to complete homework assignments will be punished as your teacher sees fit. Quizzes and tests will also be given, which you are expected to study for."
Kim wrinkled her nose: they were getting homework? That was disappointing.
"You have an hour to relax, get acquainted with one another, and gather your things," Grim told them, "After which you will proceed to the cafeteria for lunch. Classes begin at one o' clock sharp. Your schedules are in your dormitories – they have your names on them. I trust you are all literate and can figure out which schedules belong to whom." She and several of the staff members smirked at this last comment. "And that is all. Best of luck to all of you."
She stepped away from the podium and strode quickly out of the room, her skin very slightly green. The staff members began to get to their feet, chattering amongst themselves. Their conversations were drowned out by the noise of the students, who were also standing and talking. The noise died down a little and then stopped altogether as Bartimaeus moved out from behind the staff table, which until now had been the only barrier between him and his horde of fans. If he realized this, it didn't seem to worry him. Even when a human tidal wave swept towards him, people pushing and shoving and even biting in an effort to be the first to reach him, he didn't look fazed. A second later Kim saw why.
The wall of adoring fans hit something invisible, yet apparently very, very solid. Cries of pain, astonishment, and disappointment replaced the previous excited shouts as the unlucky students staggered away from the barrier, some clutching bloody noses and holding their ribs. Kim noticed that the smirks of some of the staff had become even more pronounced, while others were chuckling openly and unpleasantly.
"It doesn't seem funny to me," Kim said huffily, her hostile stare following Contrarian as she, still snickering, left the hall out a side door with Jeff and Alex, both of whom looked equally amused. "They could have said something about the shield."
"Yeah," Timmy agreed as he stumbled back up the row of benches (he had sprinted down them as quickly as possible in an attempt to get to Bartimaeus). "They must have known we'd try to pounce on some of the characters. They're so cool."
"It's their fault for not controlling themselves," Double-D said primly, though Kim noticed the older girl's eyes were a bit glazed and were following the popular djinni's progress out of the lecture hall. But Kim wasn't brave enough to mutter, "Like you're going to last a day without doing the same thing," until Double-D was a good ten benches away. The girl was, after all, downright frightening.
-
I was happy to see so many people interested in enrolling. There are still plenty of open spots for students, and there are now only two staff positions left, as Contrarian, Jeff (Bowles), and Alex (swordsrock) have snagged the first three. Remember: do not enroll/apply via review. The gods of this site will be annoyed if you do. Until the next chapter, then.
Grim
