This is a Miss Cam authorized spin-off. All recognizable characters belong to Jonathan Stroud.

I apologize for the delay. Mea culpa.

The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

Ten minutes into their "social hour", Kim was seated alone on one of the benches, chin in her hands. She stared around at the other students, some of whom were sitting or standing awkwardly by themselves as she was, or clustered together in tight knots. She strained her ears, trying to catch snippets of conversation. If any of the groups was talking about Nathaniel, she might be able to join in the discussion and make some friends. But thus far it seemed that the main topics for discussion were the injuries several of the students had sustained due to the strategically-placed Shield and the books themselves. Kim, who hadn't absorbed much besides Nathaniel's appearance and the general plot of the books, was having difficulty deciding whether or not she should fake detailed knowledge of the plotlines and characters in order to join one of the tight clusters of peers.

Eventually she found herself gravitating towards Double-D, of all people, who was engaged in conversation with a boy and girl who looked so much alike that they must have been siblings.

"We've preordered two copies of the third book from the UK," the girl was saying excitedly. "I'm going out of my mind waiting!"

"We have a whole notebook full of theories as to what'll happen," the boy said, holding up a thick spiral notebook.

"Can I look?" Double-D asked, and the boy handed it over.

"You can take it with you to read," he said. "And write down what you think, too, but make sure you put down your name. We want to pass it around to as many people as we can and see what they think, and then once we get the book we'll be able to look through everyone's ideas and mark whose guesses were closest."

Kim moved away hurriedly. Had everyone in the room memorized the books but her? What was she going to do about friends if she couldn't even talk to anyone for fear of looking stupid? Dejected, she moved aimlessly among the groups. Unexpectedly, she was pounced on by a desperate-looking blonde girl who had been standing off to the side.

"Hi, I'm Katy. I've been listening to everyone and they all seem to know everything about all of the books and I'm really worried because I simply don't know all that much about what happened in them and…."

Katy stopped to catch her breath, and Kim blinked. The girl had been talking extremely quickly and with a British accent, and it was a moment before Kim could piece together what she had been saying. Once she had, though, relief spread through her.

"I'm so glad," she told Katy, having to restrain herself from grabbing her in a hug, "I don't know much about the books either. I thought I was the only one."

Katy looked immensely relieved as well.

"Oh, that's good," she replied, talking at a normal pace now. "Truth to be told, I read a summary of the two books online, and I thought that was enough information to try writing a fanfic. I had started this story about this really talented girl magician, Adele, summoning a really powerful marid and becoming a war hero, and the next thing I knew this disgusting creature appeared in my room. It shoved this enormous envelope in my face and disappeared. I couldn't write my story anymore – the computer kept freezing up – so I decided to have a look at what was in the envelope."

"Did you fall asleep and wake up here, too?" Kim asked. Katy nodded fervently.

"After I filled out the form I couldn't keep my eyes open even though it was the middle of the day."

"Weird," Kim said. "I wonder how they did that?"

Katy shrugged.

"Well, we're here, and that's what's important. Who'd you put as your 'lust object'?"

"Nathaniel," Kim said, feeling dizzy as usual at the mere thought of the object of her desire. Katy looked at her in astonishment, and then wrinkled her nose.

"Nathaniel?" she repeated incredulously. "But why? He's not cute at all, and the summaries I read made him sound really annoying and mean."

"He's not mean," Kim said defensively, her desperation for a friend fading away in favor of the instinct to defend her crush. "And he's totally cute."

"He's okay-looking," Katy said, though her tone made it apparent that she was only saying this for Kim's benefit. "But you can't say he's not mean. Look what he did to poor Kitty. Kitty is my favorite character, and he betrayed her because he wanted to look good in front of the other magicians. There's no excuse for that."

Katy seemed to be working herself up just thinking about it – her nostrils had flared and her fists clenched into fists seemingly of their own accord.

"Well, okay, that was a little rude, but he just wanted to keep his job," Kim said, unwilling to badmouth Nathaniel. "You and I would probably do the same thing if we were faced with that situation."

Katy sprang back from her and looked at Kim angrily.

"No, I wouldn't," she declared hotly. "I would've done the right thing. Nathaniel was just too pig-headed and selfish to help Kitty out."

"He is not pig-headed!" Kim yelled.

"He's so pig-headed!"

"Well…well what do you know, anyway?" Kim burst out. "At least I've actually read the books – you just read a stupid summary! You don't understand anything."

And with that she stormed off, seething. How dare that stupid girl insult Nathaniel? He was the greatest!

What could have built nicely into a long internal rant was cut short by a bell ringing. Kim glanced at her watch – she still had to go up to her dormitory and collect her things, and lunch started in fifteen minutes. Luckily for her, she caught sight of Double-D leaving through a side door and ran after her. The older girl looked around, rolled her eyes, and started up a staircase.

Friendly, Kim thought sarcastically, and followed Double-D up to the dormitory in annoyed silence. Was everyone at the school going to be a complete jerk? She stomped over to her bed, which now had a pile of forbidding-looking textbooks on it, and looked at the sheet of paper on her nightstand.

Course Schedule: Kim Hayes, she read to herself, and scanned the list. All of the subjects sounded bizarre and, with names like Grammar and Spelling: The Basics for Boneheads, slightly offensive. When Kim turned to examine her textbooks, she found that their titles were just as strange. Eats, Shoots, and Leaves, for instance, was a very odd title. Actually, it didn't look like a textbook at all and yet it was right on top, with a Post-It note stuck to it that read: "Mandatory Reading Material". Off to the side were the first two Bartimaeus books, brand-new and in hardback, with another Post-It demanding that she read both carefully over the course of the year.

"Excellent," she heard Double-D say, and looked around to see the older girl turning "The Amulet of Samarkand" over in her hands. "My old copy is all beat up."

"Goody for you," Kim muttered bitterly. Either Double-D didn't hear her or she chose to ignore Kim's rudeness. Double-D grabbed a black bag leaning against her nightstand and stuffed some of the textbooks and her schedule inside. Slinging this bag over her shoulder, she left the room without another word. Kim turned back to her own schedule and studied it. She had the grammar class first, then The Use and Abuse of Magical Weapons with Kitty, and then – a scowl crossed her face – that Contrarian girl and her class which, Kim discovered, had something to do with clichés. As if she needed to take that class – her stories were the epitome of originality.

She selected the appropriate textbooks and put them in a bag similar to Double-D's, which had also been propped against her nightstand, grabbed her schedule, and departed for lunch. She realized with a sinking feeling that her argument with Katy meant she had no one to sit with. With a mumbled curse, she followed the sounds of clinking silverware and conversation to the cafeteria.

Once she entered the room, she noticed something odd. One half of the room was dominated by boys and girls who were all talking very earnestly and seriously while others nodded or made skeptical faces, and the other half – made up mostly of girls – was the source of several shrieks, gasps, and bouts of hysterical giggling. It didn't take the brains of Hopkins to deduce which half consisted of annoying, fawning fans. Kim was drawn to the large group instinctively.

As she looked around for an empty space, someone called her name. She looked around and saw Timmy waving at her enthusiastically. She hesitated – after all, her previous encounter with the boy hadn't left her feeling very keen to be in his company again – but decided that sitting with a crazy person was better than sitting with no one at all. She smiled and moved to his table, settling into the chair he held out for her.

"Thanks," she said, and looked around at the other occupants of the table. There weren't many, and Kim noted that the few who were there were all eyeing Timmy warily.

"I was just talking about Bartimaeus," Timmy said, and the reason for the others' expressions became clear. Timmy had a starry-eyed expression not unlike Kim's when she was talking about Nathaniel.

"So I was rereading the part where he talks to Kitty in 'The Golem's Eye', and I decided that that's one of the times that he sounds sexiest. You know – he's so knowledgeable, but really, really casual about it."

"Mmm," the rest of the table responded in unison. Kim saw one girl, who looked about twelve, drop her head into her hands in undisguised frustration and boredom.

"You like Nathaniel, don't you?" Timmy asked, swiveling to face Kim.

"Yes," Kim responded carefully, remembering Katy's reaction. She didn't particularly feel like fighting it out with anyone else.

"Ooh – I like him, too," a girl with curly red hair piped up.

"Isn't he cute?" Kim said eagerly.

"Totally cute. I nearly died when he walked into the lecture hall."

"I'm Kim."

"Lila."

The two girls grinned at each other.

By the time the lunch period was over, Kim had joined in the high-pitched squealing and obsessing that had drawn her to this particular part of the room so enthusiastically that she had a headache. On her way out, still gabbing with Lila about Nathaniel's particular charm, Kim couldn't help but notice that some students from the more serious part of the room were looking at her and her companions with a certain amount of derision. Still, at least she had a group to talk with; the others' look of dislike, whatever the reason for it was, didn't bother her too much.

She followed the flow of people into the first floor corridor, and checked the room number on her schedule. Her first class, the black text proclaimed, was in room 124. Kim glanced up at the number of the room she was standing in front of: 115. Choosing a direction arbitrarily, she started forward, doubled back when she saw she was going the wrong way, and a few seconds later was darting into the correct classroom just as the bell rang.

"Close call," the girl at the front of the room observed, raising an eyebrow. Kim shrugged an apology and chose a seat in the middle of the room.

"Kim!" someone whispered loudly and happily. She looked over to see – good God – Timmy waving at her so vigorously that she was surprised his arm stayed attached to the rest of his body. Was she doomed to be forever attached to this weirdo because she had been friendly for one minute and introduced herself?

I've been asking rhetorical questions a lot lately, she thought to herself. Wait…is that what rhetorical means? I think it's when you're asking a question that there's no answer for, but does it count when the only person you're asking is yourself? Maybe it has to be in conversation. I would look it up, but it's like the dictionary tries to make its definitions as confusing as possible.

"Miss Hayes?"

A distinctly annoyed voice cut into Kim's thoughts. Looking up in surprise, she found the girl who was apparently the teacher frowning at her, a notebook open in her hands.

"Oh…yes?"

"Please pay attention," the girl – Alex, if Kim remembered correctly – said exasperatedly. "I'm taking roll and I called your name twice."

"Why didn't you just think I wasn't here instead of calling my name over and over?" Kim asked, feeling superior.

"Several of your classmates have been attempting to attract your wandering attention as well," Alex responded sharply, looking more irritated than ever. Kim winced and sank down in her seat.

"Now," Alex said briskly, "Welcome to Grammar and Spelling: The Basics for Boneheads. Over the course of the year I hope to pound the necessity of correct grammar and spelling into your brains so thoroughly that you have a conniption if you spot a misplaced apostrophe. Most of your classwork will consist of correcting sample stories containing errors. As the year goes on, the mistakes in these selections will become more and more subtle, and in order to be able to spot them you will have to focus."

Here she banged her hand down on her desk, and Taci, who had been whispering something to a boy with dark hair, jerked and slipped out of her chair. She landed with a loud crash and a startled squeal. Laughter pierced the air, and Taci clambered back into her seat, blushing furiously.

"Right," Alex said, and grabbed a stack of papers off her desk. "I've prepared a short quiz for you all, which will give me an idea of how much you already know. I won't be taking a grade."

She passed the papers down the rows, and Kim suppressed a groan. A quiz already? It was only her first class! On the first day!

She pulled her paper towards her and skimmed its contents.

Identify the errors in the following sentences:

1) I took the dog, for a long walk, after which we were both exhausted.

2) In a stunning twist of fate; she received an A on the quiz?

3) But you shouldnt feel to bad if you don't do as well.

4) in fact, your hardly accepted to.

And so forth. Kim hesitated, and then began making marks on the page. Her grammatical skills didn't amount to much, and she was having difficulty spotting some of the errors. The third and fourth sentences looked all right to her.

The quiz got trickier as she went on, the errors becoming steadily more difficult to spot even for those few who knew what they were doing. When Alex called time and asked them to pass their papers forward, Kim had only made a few tentative corrections.

"These will be ready for you tomorrow," Alex said as she patted the papers into a neat pile and set them on her desk. "Good luck with the rest of your classes."

A bell rang on cue, and Kim left with a feeling of foreboding. If the rest of the classes were as difficult as this one, she would be having a rough time of it. At least she had a class with Nathaniel tomorrow, she consoled herself.

Suddenly a silver blur crossed her path with a soft hiss, so close that it nearly took the first layer of skin off her nose. It embedded itself in the wall to her left, its handle quivering slightly. With a strangled cry, Kim realized that it was an enormous, incredibly sharp meat cleaver. A tall, broad man moved towards her and calmly plucked the cleaver out of the wall, pulling a small, blobby mass off of the edge.

"Fly," the man explained calmly, holding the black pulp up by a translucent wing, and grinned. His teeth were razor-sharp.

Kim screamed and ran for the stairs as fast as she could go.

-

A few things:

1) All of the staff positions have now been filled by Jeff (Bowles), Alex (swordsrock), Contrarian, Elph, and MakoAnima (who I haven't yet emailed, so…surprise. Very unprofessional of me, I know). Thanks to everyone who applied! There are still plenty of spaces open for those wishing to be students – you don't have to have written a story to apply.

2) I beg all of you who have become students to forgive me if I take liberties with your character. I may portray you as flighty and unintelligent, but don't take personal offense. It's simply a means to an end.

Grim