This is a Miss Cam-authorized spin-off.

The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

Grim hovered outside the door to the restroom connected to her office, battling yet another wave of nausea. That had been the longest time she'd ever been in front of such a large group of people, their attention focused entirely on her…

No, she contradicted herself sharply, placing a hand on the frame of the door for support (the memory of standing at the podium had caused her knees to buckle slightly). They hadn't been paying that much attention to her at all. The sole focus of over three quarters of the people in the hall had no doubt been the canon characters. Shallowness did have its good points, she reflected. A sudden sharp rapping at the closed door of her office distracted her momentarily.

"Yes?" she called weakly, then cleared her throat and said again, "Yes, what is it?"

"Headmistress has a visitor," an unpleasant croaking voice answered. That would be one of the goblin imps. Still, who would bother having one of them announce their presence? A student would have been immediately attacked by one of the imps, not shown in. If it was a staff member they would either knock themselves or just walk in, depending on who it was. Then again, it could be Underwood. He was possibly the only staff member in the building with that large of an inferiority complex.

It occurred to Grim that she could save valuable time by simply asking who it was.

"The name?" she asked, trying to sound impatient, as if she hadn't just wasted a full minute and a half puzzling over who it could be.

"It's Mogget. Let me in." said an all-too-familiar voice from outside the door. Grim groaned loudly and strode directly into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Apparently taking that as her cue to enter, her sister pushed the door of the office open and walked in, dropping immediately into the comfortable chair behind Grim's desk. She wrinkled her nose at the piles of papers strewn across every available surface.

"Nice office, but you might have straightened it up a bit," she called into the bathroom, from which violent (and rather fake-sounding) retching noises emanated.

"Oh, stop it," Mogget said, jumping out of the chair and flinging open the bathroom door. "You should be happy to see me."

"And why," Grim demanded in as dignified a tone as she could muster while bent over the sink, "Would I be happy?"

Mogget grabbed her sister's arm and dragged her out into her office, nearly sending Grim spinning into her desk.

"Because," she said, her cheerful tone returning as Grim steadied herself against one of the (not so comfortable) chairs in front of her desk, "Now you have your dear sister here to help you in the disciplining of the frightfully dimwitted people you've invited in."

"'Invited' is a bit of a stretch," Grim grumbled, folding her arms. "And I don't need your help."

"With all that petulance, you'd think you were the younger sister," Mogget said serenely, perching on top of the desk and ignoring her sister's resulting scowl. She opened her mouth to say something else, but a knock on the door interrupted her.

Thank God, Grim thought, her lips thinning, and turned her back on her sister in order to pull the door open. "Jeff. Hi."

"Still in here?" he asked, surprised. He glanced over Grim's shoulder and caught sight of Mogget. "Oh, hello."

"My sister, Mogget," Grim explained, moving slightly to the right and blocking Jeff's view of her. "Ignore everything she says. Is something wrong?"

Normally composed, Jeff looked slightly flustered. "Nothing major. Two girls attempted to catch me in a snare after one of my classes."

Grim stared. Behind her, Mogget burst into laughter.

"Mogget. Shut up," Grim snapped, and pushed Jeff backwards into the hallway so she could leave the office, banging the door closed behind her. She turned to Jeff, who was rubbing the back of his head where it had knocked against the wall. "Sorry. When did this happen?"

"Don't mention it. And the snare? About ten minutes ago. It's lucky it didn't work."

"Yes," Grim said slowly. "Still, I was expecting this to be more of a problem for the canon characters."

"I think a group tried to ambush Bartimaeus. Incidentally, there's a big scorch mark on the ceiling of the main hallway on the third floor."

Grim massaged her temples. "This is ridiculous. There's a security deposit on this building. Look, ask Alima if she'll lend you one of her goblin imps. It'll know what to do if you're attacked again."

"All right, but–"

He broke off and turned around at the sound of approaching footsteps. Contrarian rounded the corner, looking exasperated.

"Don't tell me," Jeff said. "They dug a pit under the threshold of your door and tried to trap you."

"What?" Contrarian asked, giving him an odd look over her glasses. "No. Oh, but I heard all about the snare incident from Faquarl." She paused, her mouth twitching. "He seemed most amused."

"Apparently he's not the only one," Jeff said, raising an eyebrow at her. She grinned and turned to Grim.

"You might want to check out the nifty addition to the second floor stairwell," she said, all traces of mirth disappearing. "It's presenting something of a problem."

-

"What is it?" Kim asked wondrously, staring at a point about midway down the stairs. She was one of a medium-sized crowd assembled at the top of the steps. Everyone was murmuring to each other and casting semi-apprehensive glances at the thing stretched out across several steps. The only way Kim could think to describe it was a black hole, swirling slowly in a counterclockwise fashion. Everything around the very edges of the thing bent and shimmered oddly, as though itching to be drawn into the black depths.

"Well, whatever it is, it's blocking our only way down," Double D observed irritably. She glanced at Kim. "That is, unless you want to leap over the railing and act as a cushion for those who follow."

"Hilarious," Kim snapped, turning away from her smirking roommate and feeling disproportionately proud of herself for using a word with more than two syllables. Double D snorted and leaned forward to get a better view.

"Out of the way, out of the way," an unfamiliar and self-important voice cut through the noise of the students. A small, red-haired teenager pushed her way through the crowd, followed by Bartimaeus, Jeff, Jane Farrar, the very annoyed-looking Headmistress and, Kim noted with displeasure, Contrarian. The girl who had ordered people to move aside peered at the black-hole-ish apparition in the middle of the stairs. After a long minute, she huffed in exasperation and turned around and addressed Grim. "Well? What do you think?"

"Well, I don't know, Mogget," Grim said, sarcasm lacing her tone as usual. "You're backside has been blocking my view the entire time."

Mogget made a face. Kim watched in confusion. "Mogget" wasn't a staff member as far as she knew, but no student would dare sneer at the Headmistress for fear of being dismembered by an army of goblin imps. Grim stepped around her, catching Kim in the stomach with her elbow in a not-quite-accidental manner, and studied the swirling vortex below.

"I know what it is," Bartimaeus said, and Grim looked up. Bartimaeus had taken on the form of a bird (to a chorus of delighted "oohs" from the fangirls present) and was perched on the banister, peering through narrowed, beady eyes at the middle of the staircase. He looked around, apparently just noticing that everyone present was hanging on to his every word, and in typical fashion began to draw out the suspense.

"It's not pleasant," he said solemnly, as Contrarian clapped a hand to her forehead and Jane groaned in frustration, "And it's certainly not something you'd want here of all places."

He changed back into Ptolemy and started forward, accidentally knocking against Double-D, who had, in her wide-eyed admiration, strayed a little too close. Stupefying admiration had slowed her reflexes – she was unable to regain her equilibrium and, amongst gasps of horror, began to pitch forward. Grim made a half-hearted attempt to grab onto her, but missed by a good six inches. The girl fell down the stairs, directly into the center of the main attraction below. In a second she had disappeared amidst deafening screams. Bartimaeus set off a Detonation, and everyone was silent as they watched the pretty lights created by the explosion.

"There, you see?" he said, satisfied. "No one can ignore an explosion."

"Ingenious," Jeff said dryly. "What were you saying?"

"Oh, of course. I was telling you about the unpleasant, unwelcome, widely-hated addition to our stairwell," the djinni said. "Let me tell you, I've encountered so many of these I would have to be human not to realize what it was."

"'More matter, less art'," Jane quoted smartly, and Mogget snorted.

"Yes," Contrarian said, glaring at Bartimaeus. "Just tell us what it is."

"You have no appreciation for dramatic suspense. It's a plot hole," Bartimaeus answered.

"Oh, of course!" Grim said, slapping her forehead. "I should have realized that."

"Well, you didn't, but don't worry," Bartimaeus said consolingly. "Humans, et cetera."

"Makes sense," Jeff said, ignoring the djinni's comment, "But how did it get here?"

"That's obvious," Mogget said airily, self-important tone returning. "One of your dear students must be illicitly writing fanfiction."

Grim whistled sharply. In the distance, there was a rustling sound. It grew louder and louder, and finally at least thirty goblin imps appeared, hovering in the air around the students present, herding them into a circle amidst unearthly screeches.

"Search their rooms," Grim ordered. "If you find fanfiction there, bring it and the guilty student to me immediately."

The goblin imps chattered madly and dispersed. Kim, who had been watching the proceedings with awe, suddenly found herself speaking.

"What about Double D?" she asked loudly over the noise in the corridor, and all the staff members turned to her slowly. Kim gulped, quailing under their stares.

"Well?" Grim asked impatiently, looking at Bartimaeus. "What happens to the girl who fell in?"

"Search me," Bartimaeus said, spreading his hands out. At once Double D fell out of nowhere right into his outstretched arms. Every female in the group gasped in jealousy. Bartimaeus seemed to have frozen, staring at the bewildered girl he was holding. Double D shook her head, looking dazed, and then seemed to realize where she was. Color flooded her face, but she looked as happy as Kim had seen her yet.

"Hi," she said breathily. Bartimaeus dropped her unceremoniously, looking horrified.

There was a pause.

And then a wall of fangirls surged towards the staircase, only to crash into an invisible barrier. Everyone who had not leapt for the stairs (including Kim, who had been a bit slow to act) looked around. The cook with the sharp teeth whom Kim had encountered earlier was leaning casually against the wall, burly arms folded and a satisfied expression on his face.

"Faquarl," Bartimaeus acknowledged him evenly. The cook raised an eyebrow, acknowledging his acknowledgement. Bartimaeus folded his arms, acknowledging Faquarl's acknowledgment of his acknowledgment, and Faquarl–

"All right, stop it, you two," Grim said impatiently. "This is getting ridiculous."

"Nice Shield," Bartimaeus said stonily as the mob of dazed and bruised students staggered away from the stairs.

"Thank you. I didn't want fangirls raining down from the ceiling any more than you did."

"It's not like you'd be a target," Bartimaeus pointed out. Faquarl shrugged, unconcerned.

"All the better. But one might have hit me accidentally."

"We're not things, you know," Kim said hotly. She had been growing increasingly annoyed with how she and the rest of the students were treated throughout the day. It seemed to her that as far as the staff members were concerned, the students were nothing more than annoying bugs, a feeling that was intensified by the way that everyone ignored her now.

"What are you yelling about?" Double D said, her snappish tone returning. "And why am I on the floor?"

"You don't remember?" Kim asked her in surprise. Double D shook her head. Kim debated whether or not to tell her what had happened, but was saved the trouble of making a decision when distraction arrived in the form of a goblin imp, which grasped several sheets of notebook paper in one clawed paw and the collar of a young girl in the other. The girl was struggling uselessly against the imp's small but powerful grip, her shoes sweeping the air several inches above the ground.

"Avovisto," the Headmistress said grimly, reading the girl's name of the top of the first page of paper. She held out a hand for the papers, and the girl yelped.

"No! Stop! It's my masterpiece! I couldn't help it – I had to keep writing!"

Grim was holding the papers gingerly in two fingers, as though worried they would contaminate her.

"Mogget," she said, "Make yourself useful and do something with these."

"With pleasure," the redhead said, smiling evilly. She snatched the papers and made for Grim's office. Avovisto made incoherent sounds of distress, and the goblin imp dumped her on the ground.

"Detention," Grim said sternly.

"Ooh, and Underwood's monitoring," Jane said, a sharp canine exposed when she grinned. "It should be an interesting hour for you."

"And while you're all here," Bartimaeus called over the noise of the students, who had begun chattering (they quieted instantly at the sound of his voice), "Take note of this: you are not to venture near that…monstrosity."

He indicated the plot hole, which every student took a moment to admire.

"Or you will be subjected to the most creative punishment I can devise, and it won't be pleasant," Grim added ominously. The students exchanged apprehensive glances.

"Back to your business, then," she said, spoiling the moment a bit, and the students dispersed, conversation starting up again with renewed vigor. Kim stole another look at the plot hole as she passed, and made her decision. She would find a way through the barrier so she could reach that plot hole, no matter what it took.

Nathaniel, I'll be in your arms before dinner, she promised silently, and with a gleeful giggle tripped along down the hallway.

-

Author's Note: I'm still accepting student applications, so if you haven't applied and are interested, you can PM me or get my email address through my profile. Thank you.