"I hope you realize how proud I am of you." Logan, Monstrous Nightmare. My Friend and Former Step-Sire.
-Memories Follow Me-
I think it goes without saying that the following weeks were incredibly hard. My connection with Logan built over several winters had all but left an inevitable hole. If there were a time in which to pay tribute to his memory, I suppose now seems most appropriate. Logan, as much a sire as he was to his own hatchlings, he never failed to include me as one of his own. I suppose there is a human word to better explain what this might mean, one that might shed more light onto the figure he was; a father. I also realize that I never actually explained how we first met instead gliding over that detail to talk about forging the bond between Shiver and myself. So, with that in mind, my story will be returned to in due time, so as to reflect on Logan's memory and share some of those moments.
Many Winters ago…
The first memory I have of Logan came some six and a half months after I hatched. He of course was aware that Rachel had found and adopted me into her nest, but even as I grew up he seemed to have this intense curiosity for me. Not in such a way that soured our relationship, but rather on account of where I came from and what my kin was. Naturally, it's not fair to assume a dragon of six and a half months knows everything about their kin, but he did have enough information from Rachel to form the theory I came to follow myself: humans killed my sire and dam.
He'd just been on a trip to the alpha of their kin as he called her. Apparently, this alpha was known to use her call as a hypnotic influence on other dragons and use them for her own desires; hunting for food mostly unless there was another matter involving rivals. Logan was not one to spare details on the matter either. Apparently if her request was not met or she was served wrong, you would be eaten yourself. I was also told that she was enormous, enough so that even the bravest of dragons would become weak at the knees in her presence. Little did I know but I would learn who this dragon was in many winters to come. Funny how some 'fortunes' become the cause for others.
Anyway, not too long before my first winter began, I'd been having a fairly rough day. I'd felt shoved aside by the other hatchlings, sans Shiverwing, and I found myself alone in my den crying softly to myself. In my quiet solitude, I didn't even notice Logan walk up beside me. I was so lost in my own world his footsteps were completely silent to me.
"Hey, Elijah," Logan said, softly, laying down beside me, "What's up, bud? You seem kind of down." I sat up and look to my sire, tears still streaming lightly down my face. I met his soft amber eyes and breathed gently.
"Why do they all ignore me?" I inquired. Logan was taken aback by this line of questioning.
"Why do who ignore you, bud?"
"My siblings… they all seem to just ignore me!"
"Well, Shiverwing's not been, has he?" Logan said, forming a soft smile on his face. I looked down his chest before locking eyes back on the ground.
"Yeah, but… what about the rest of them?" I pushed, now growing increasingly passionate in my resolve. Logan now frowned in thought, looking for the best way to proceed. He knew it wasn't fun to be left out, and that day the rest of my siblings had started a pretend session that they brought Shiverwing into, but despite Shiver's best efforts, left me out of.
"Well… what makes you think they're ignoring you?"
"They all started playing pretend together, and left me out of it..." I whined, now lettings tears down my face again.
"Ahh… that. Well, I believe Shiverwing championed for you to play with them bud, but I think they were just concerned you'd take it too seriously."
"But I wouldn't have done!"
"I know you wouldn't have bud, but they didn't. Just give it time, they'll let you play with them!"
I sighed softly. I knew Logan was right. Up to that point the rest of my siblings knew nothing really about me. If it was to be my understanding, I was something of a recluse for the first few months I spent with this nest of dragons. I hadn't really gotten involved with everyone until I'd finally befriended Shiverwing. Most days just became more sleep and relaxation instead of an attempt to shake that youthful energy I'd built up. As you are no doubt aware, eventually our games as hatchlings eventually became a full party thing; no one was left out unless they wanted to be.
The second moment with Logan was when he found me and Shiver playing WCAOSF, and he wanted to join in, at least in some way, whether it be playing or being a judge. Shiver and I unanimously decided to have a judge instead. At the time, I assumed I was winning and was about to try and annoy Frostsong, but I noticed Logan enter the area. Immediately I had a feeling I would be in trouble but at this point I didn't know how laidback Logan was. The very first thing he did was walk up to me in a tone far less formal to when we first met.
"Hey Eli, what you up to?" He sounded cheery and there was a glint of amusement in his eye.
"Shiver and I are trying to annoy our siblings." I whispered back to him.
He immediately burst into laughter clearly not expecting that answer but nonetheless he seemed quite ok with it. A little too okay even. "Wow, kiddo!" He said, still cackling a little. "Well, don't let me get in the way… Unless you'd like me to join. I mean I know a thing or two."
I hesitated at the offer. "Erm… I'd have to talk with Shiver, but we could probably share a space or make a new position. Maybe we'll turn you into a judge of some kind."
Logan waited behind as I ran off to get Frostsong. In the end, Shiver won this game all before we met up to compared scores and there it was that I brought up Logan's proposal.
"Hey Shiver, Logan talked to me a few minutes ago. He wants to get involved in our game somehow. What do you think?" I proposed.
"Hmm… I think it would be great for us to have someone time our games. We lose track of time a lot so him counting out our ten minutes will help us. He could also be a judge, which would definitely help get a pretty unbiased opinion," Shiver contemplated, concluding.
"Yeah. That's what I was thinking. We really need an unbiased opinion, even if he is our sire. He can't pick one or the other of us just because we're his favorite" I concurred.
With a toothy smile, Shiver replied. "Awesome, let's go talk to him then."
Turns out we didn't need to go on a search for Logan as he ended up trotting to us first. His voice came from behind and made us jump. I released a small screech, while Shiver let out a loud scream only for Logan and me to burst into laughter.
"You okay, Shiver?" Logan said, still laughing. "You seem jumpier than usual today."
"Uh… no, I'm fine," Shiver answered, only to immediately say "I'm not. You scared the scales off me."
"I guess you've molted quicker then," I remarked.
"Toothless, dragons don't molt until they surpass twelve winters old, on average," Shiver said.
"I am aware of this," I sassed with a cunning smirk.
"That's what we call a whoosh. You missed his joke," Logan said, "And, anyway, a few other things happen at about that age. We'll discuss that when we get to it."
"Anyway!" I exclaimed, trying to get off the awkward topic that we were about to get into. "Logan, we've decided that you are going to be our judge for our game. You will keep track of our time and give us the most unbiased opinion you can."
"Okay, sweet. I look forward to it." Logan replied with enthusiasm.
Shiver and I smiled, gave a nod, and walked in our separate directions…
There's one more story with Logan that I was thinking of telling, but the matters of which we discussed were, how do I put this; uncomfortable. So, I spent a little while thinking of some other experiences that I shared with Logan. The story I thought of was when Logan took Shiver and I out to a reservoir, though the actual part of the story I want to share is when Logan came to ask me about whether we wanted to go or not. It was just past noon, and I was playing with the blades of grass again when Logan dropped by my den.
"Hey buddy. How're you doing?" He asked.
"Playing with my usual eight blades of grass." I replied with obvious boredom.
"Guess that means you aren't too busy," he cast a knowing look to which I rolled my eyes. "I've noticed you and Shiverwing getting along better lately. I'd like to take you and him to a reservoir."
"Sure. Have you asked Shiver yet?" I inquired.
"Yeah. He's good to go. So, what do you say we get going?" His tone was to inspire some sort of interest but honestly, anything was better than my grass at this point.
"Sounds good to me," I replied pushing myself off the ground.
I wandered out of my den and saw Shiver standing at the opening to our living quarters. As he looked off into the distance clearly lost in deep thought, a prank was afoot. I snuck up as quietly and slowly as I could to get him a jump scare.
I never would have presumed but the joke was on me as he turned around and calmly said, 'Toothless.' I let out a yelp and collapsed on the ground.
Logan and Shiver both began laughing at me though, I soon joined unable to resist the contagious humour. Rolling back onto my feet, I cast him a humorous glare with the intention of both payback and silent admiration. Once again finding a settled state of mind, the three of us journeyed off to the reservoir.
If not just a few, they were still memories I have reassured to this day. However, life continues into the great beyond and I say this knowing that from here my life enters the early stages of a great journey that forever changed the fate of, not just myself, but the world. As I have said before, the weeks following Logan's death were a bit rough. That first day, no one spoke to one another and we all stayed in our dens; the same eight blades of grass didn't seem so green anymore. Shiver eventually came into my den later that afternoon laying down beside me but still, we again said nothing. The next day was largely the same with the main difference being that we finally left our dens. Shiver and I hung out for the entire day, but our slow breathing was the only constant between us aside from the rustling of the leaves in the wind and the sounds of thunder off in the distance.
The third day brought an endless stream of rain and the thunder lasted for most of the evening. Shiver and I finally broke the barrier of silence and shared our first words since Logan's departure from this world. We asked one another if we were okay and that was really the only conversation that we had. The same day, all of us got together under a tree outside of our main living quarters yet not a single word was shared. I drew in the dirt in front of me and Shiver watched over my shoulder. It was entirely nonsensical; simply carving lines in the earth wherever my heart pulled, be it lazy loops or short strokes.
The fourth day was the day we finally shared words as a group. We ignored the topic that had kept us silent for the last three days as much as we couldn't stop thinking about it. It wasn't as a point to ignore what had happened, that was unachievable but more as a focus on the present and future. In short, we just tried to be casual about our conversations. Though strangely enough, it's harder than it sounds. The fifth day was where life finally shone a beam of normality as we returned to our regular activities. Our general conversations would find their highs and sometimes there'd be a moment where silence would overcome us before we disbanded to avoid the sensitive subject in the air. It was no secret we were still trying to avoid the topic in question. There was a moment during the day were both Shiver and I were equally close to tears.
However, on the turn of the sixth day I had a little something planned that would be put into action. I'd stayed awake all night until I deemed it was time. The moon had long since crested, I looked up to the sky and now was the time for me to get up and put my plan into action; I was to run away. I had been planning this since the day Logan died, my entire escape, where I was to go and what I intended to do whilst I was on my own. There was only one other detail that hinged on the edge of a successful departure. I also planned to bring Shiver with me too because I knew he would be distraught if he woke up to find I too had disappeared, his confidant, his brother of a sort. His best friend. I stood from my bed of grass and walked to Shiver's den. He was clearly not asleep. I could see him struggling to get to sleep as he tossed and turned all over the place.
"Shiver?" I whispered loud enough that he could still hear me without waking the others.
He opened his right eye and looked up at me. "Hey, Toothless," he replied in his groggy state.
I looked around his den checking our surroundings before returning to him. "What's up?"
I walked over to his grass bed and laid down beside him taking a deep breath before I finally laid my ultimatum upon him. "Shiver, I've been planning something ever since Logan died, and I believe you should know what it is. I'm running away. I don't want to be here anymore, not with the memories that linger over this place."
Shiver's eyes widened as I could clearly see he felt a chill run down his fins. "But I want you to come with me," I concluded capturing his full attention.
He looked shocked for a minute before responding with words I had planned for. "Why? If you have bad memories here, why do you want me; another part of this place to come with you."
"You are my best friend Shiverwing. I'd have never forgiven myself if I left you here alone. It wouldn't be fair."
He thought about it for a second, looking around his den before he eventually looked up at me and gave me a nod. "When do we leave?"
I returned the gaze with a hardened resolve and unwavering intentions. "Right now."
I would like to discuss something before we move on. Yes, I speak nothing but good on Rachel and my other siblings. I didn't mean any words past me had said to say I didn't like them; far from it. Rather, it's more the aura of the nest I disliked and drove me to want to leave it and take Shiverwing with me. I know Rachel was upset at my having left, as she had told me a little while ago that she spent several weeks deeply upset at mine and Shiver's disappearance. I have since apologized and all was forgiven. I felt bad saying goodbye to her and the others, but the aura was too much, and I wanted out.
And, speaking of current events, I mentioned in the last chapter that I felt betrayed at the time of Logan's death, wanting to have known before the day I learned to fly that he would pass away. However, I look back on that and realize, maybe it was for the best I didn't know until it was worth knowing it. It seems cruel to some that you would keep something so big about your health away from your hatchlings, but it depends entirely on the circumstances. A younger hatchling wouldn't fully understand what was happening. They'd feel upset, sure, but the true nature of what happened would be a small burning spark in a forest until they grow old enough to understand death. At that age of five winters, I didn't fully understand the implications that Logan would be gone forever. It registered, but death seems like such an abstract concept, even to me now, that I feel like I struggle to comprehend that when a dragon dies, that's it, you'll never see them again. But there's something equally calming about that fact. Knowing that somewhere above me, the loved one is watching over me proud of what I have become. "A king among kings" some may say. It relaxes me to know the pride Logan would feel towards the dragon he helped raise. He shaped who I am now and was such a major part of my developmental winters that I can't picture them without him.
I don't know, I'm rambling now. I will say that I hope Logan lived out all he wanted to live out, even if he didn't get to see for himself what I became. I miss him a lot, that's for sure.
