Disclaimer: All Characters belong to JK Rowling.
Thank you svirelka for beta'ing
The boy he didn't know
Chapter XII
November 2
Once again I can not sleep. No surprise really, I am used to it by now, used to it but still so new to the feelings overwhelming me. Suffocating me.
But what can I do about it? Lie here until I fall asleep from exhaustion? A potion, not likely. I don't want to become addicted. Aimlessly wander along the corridors? What's the use? Run after you when you leave me?
I wish.
But I am too much of a coward to do that. I've always been. I only hide behind my mask. I need it now; I can not deal with these emotions by myself. But it's not like I have a choice, I'll deal. I always do.
DM
November 2
The cold wind hit me harder that I expected when I forced that hatch open. Still I welcomed the cold, anything to feel, even if it was the icy wind that forced its way inside my coat until it found my skin and created goosebumps sending a shiver through my whole body.
The physical pain was nothing compared to my emotional war which was hidden much deeper than my skin. The physical strain on me carried no goosebumps only invisible needles.
Maybe I shouldn't have gone up the Astronomy Tower; perhaps I should have stayed in my dormitory waiting for sleep to come.
Still a part of me wanted to go up to the damn tower, wanted to know if it gave any comfort. I did not expect you to be there, not anymore; you must have found another place to watch the sunrise from.
The last time I was up in the highest part of Hogwarts, the sun had given me no reassurance. Maybe that was not the point. But the thing is, was, that the last time I found myself there I did not watch the sunrise. I was watching your face.
This time however, the sun was my target. I had to know just what it was that kept you coming back for the sunrise.
Now when I look back at the pages I have written I still have difficulty to grasp the fact that the drama within my black journal is my life.
However I was not thinking about that when I made my way over to the edge.
Of course the thoughts of jumping came to me as I glanced down the tower, but the thoughts of actually doing it never crossed my mind. I kept them at bay.
To jump, to commit suicide, disappear from this world leaving you behind, the war just in front of you. Face to face with Voldemort, Death Eaters surrounding you. I could not do that. It did not matter that I could do nothing to stop that from happening but… I might help the light side, Dumbledore, you. Just a little.
I had no idea of what time it was, but there was no light to be seen on the horizon. Just the dark sky filled with twinkling stars. It was beautiful. Calm but at the same time…Lonely, because even if the distance between the stars seemed so small to me there was a huge distance between them for real.
I will not reflect all the thoughts passing through my mind the hours I stood there, but they all circulated around you. Sometimes I wish I had a Pensieve. But I will not get one. I do not want it. I…I just wish for it.
It is just that I do not dare to leave my memories behind; I have far too little trust for a can to save my dearest moments.
It is only that sometimes it all becomes too much and… I can barely take it.
It was at just that moment, when I was pondering about how to deal, that the hatch came open with a loud 'bang'.
I don't think that I've ever seen you so surprised.
Surprise, disbelief, fear and…hope? flashed through your eyes, the last one confusing me but filling me with the same thing. Emotion. Whatever.
But before I was able to create any reasonable thought out of the turmoil raging through my mind you swallowed audible and your whispered stutter barely reached my ears.
"Dr – Draco…"
TBC
Author: sorry about the late update, that is if there is someone who acctually reads this. Well if somebody do, please let me know
As you can see Draco haven't signed DM at the bottom and that is because the next chapter will countinue directly from where this ended.
A big thanks to Clalyan who've helped me so much with ideas to this fic and i did write a longer comment to you before but somehow it dissapeared but you've read it anyway:P
