However, Calvin's sense of direction was never good. Soon they were out of the Kingdom entirely and in Darkland, the territory of the Koopas. They eventually came to a club called the "El Sleezo."
Hobbes looked up at the run-down club. "What a charming place."
"Classy," agreed Calvin. "Well, maybe it's a kareoke bar or something! We can sing!"
Hobbes stopped him. "We'd be lucky to get out of this place alive." He noticed that his friend was still walking inside. "Oh, don't tell me you're actually going in there!"
"Of course! This place may be rowdy, but..." A huge Thwomp was thrown out, and flew right by Calvin. He stared at it for a second and continued, "...I'm sure our voices will calm them down."
The Thwomp managed to sit up. "That's the worst club in all of Darkland!"
"Can't you complain to the manager?" asked Hobbes.
The Thwomp glared at him. "I AM the manager."
"Ouch," winced Calvin and Hobbes.
From inside, they heard the scratchy voice of Lemmy Koopa. "And now for your entertainment..."
His brother Iggy continued, "...we present, captured straight from the Mushroom Kingdom..."
"The singing 'talent' of Toad!" they announced together.
Toad the Mushroom started dancing on stage, screeching out a horrible song.
Toad: The first time you see her
No magical change...
Calvin walked inside. "Hey, it's that Toad guy!"
"Oh, yeah," said Hobbes, "I remember him. What's he doing here?"
"I think he's being humiliated because of his awful voice."
"LOUDER!" cried the audience, happy to see another's pain. "SING LOUDER!"
Toad: The first time it happens
You know!
"This is really painful to watch," sighed Hobbes. "Hey, his footwork isn't too bad, though."
"You're right," agreed Calvin. "Hey, he would be great in the talent show!"
"How do we get him down from there?"
Calvin headed towards the stage. "I have an idea! Give me a few seconds!"
Ed, Edd, and Eddy, meanwhile, had also come to the kingdom and stood outside. Edd was nervous. "Eddy, this is not a safe neighborhood to be in!"
"Yeah, but we can get something really tough for talent show to impress the kids!"
"Cookies are not a sometimes food!" Ed cried for no reason.
Edd smiled at his friend. "Er...indeed, Ed. Eddy, we really should leave."
Eddy paused. "Wait...I hear something in that club." The Eds looked inside to see that Calvin had joined Toad on the stage.
"You better get out of here, man!" Toad hissed to Calvin.
"Well, if it ain't the spiky, blond, whiny, little, annoying punk kid!" called Morton Koopa from the audience. "Let's make HIM sing!"
Calvin smiled. "With pleasure. Follow my lead, Toad."
"Uh..."
Calvin: Hit it! Happy feet, I've got those happy feet
Give them a low down beat
And they begin dancing
I've got those ten little tapping toes
And when they hear a tune
I can't control my dancing heels
To save my soul
Weary blues can't get into my shoes
Because my shoes refuse to ever grow weary
I keep cheerful on an earful of music sweet
'Cause I've got happ happ happy feet
Toad watched Calvin do a few simple dance moves. "Hey, I see what you're doing!" He began to do the same stuff, but better. "Like this?"
Calvin was impressed. "Hey, you're better than me! YOU should have been the star of 'Dance Dnace Revolution' instead of Mario!"
Both: Weary blues can't get in our shoes
Because our shoes refuse to ever grow weary
We keep cheerful on an earful of music sweet
'Cause we've got happ happ happy
'Cause we've got happ happ happy feet
Feet!
"Hey, he actually did a good job!" said Larry Koopa. "That's not supposed to happen!"
Wendy Koopa stood up. "If I don't see some screw-ups right now, I'M GONNA SCREAM!"
"Let's pound them!" yelled Roy Koopa. A bunch of the Koopas from the audience jumped on the stage.
Calvin stepped back. "Uh-oh. Grab some power-ups!" Calvin put on a Tanooki Suit and Hobbes grabbed a Hammer Suit.
Toad scrambled around in fear. "What about me?"
"Try not to get killed!" advised Calvin, as he whipped away a few Koopas with his racoon tail.
"Oh...okay," Toad tiptoed away.
"Oh my!" Edd cried outside.
"I know, that's so cool!" said Eddy.
Edd looked horrified. "It's COOL that our friends are in trouble?"
"No, it's cool that the mushroom is such a good dancer! Forget the talent show, I've figured out a solution to my scam problem!"
"Parade of shoes," said Ed.
"Well, I'm going to help Calvin and Hobbes!" Edd took a step in, only to get hit by one of Hobbes's hammers and fall down, out cold.
Calvin tried to evade the Koopas. "Hobbes! Watch my back!"
Hobbes, meanwhile, was being swarmed by Koopas. "I think you should be watching what's left of mine!"
Calvin nervously tried to get everyone's attention. "Uh...hey, everybody...I heard that when the apocalypse is coming, all the six year olds briefly turn to stone!" Using the Tanooki Suit, he briefly turned to stone and back. The Koopas screamed in horror and ran for their lives.
"Idiots," said Calvin.
Toad gave a little squeak and ran over to Calvin and Hobbes. "Wow! You saved me! Thanks a lot!"
Calvin laughed. "We didn't do it for you, we did it for us!"
Toad stared. "I'm confused."
"See," explained Calvin, "we've got this talent show coming up, and..."
Toad backed away defensively. "Wait a second! You want to exploit me!"
"Oh, great," said Hobbes. "The mushroom hates us now."
Eddy stepped out from the darkness. "That's right, kid. Don't stick with these two losers."
"Eddy!" chorused Calvin and Hobbes.
"See, they only want you for some little talent show," aid Eddy.
"Yeah, I feel..." started Toad.
Eddy cut him off. "I want you for something bigger."
"Hey, you want to exploit me, too!"
"Exploit is such a nasty word," Eddy said innocently. "Actually, it's one of my favorite words, but let's not get into that. Just watch the screen, man."
Ed literally coughed up a TV set. It turned on to reveal Eddy dancing around in a poorly-crafted mushroom suit.
"Hey everybody!" shouted Eddy. "Come on down to Eddy's Omelettes! Our specials are mushrooms!" He began to sing an irritating little jingle:
Omelettes, omelettes
Omelettes are fine
Eddy's is the place you should dine
There's little shrooms, bigger shrooms
Spotted shrooms, too
Lots of mushrooms waiting for you
If you want just a snack
Then here is the one
An omelette burger stuffed in a bun!
Accompanying the song were closeup images of mushrooms cooking. When the video ended, Toad was mortified at the images. "I may scream."
"Yeah, it was a pretty weak effort," admitted Eddy. "See, we need you to advertize! Do you know how much cash you might get?"
Edd sat up. "Keyword: Might."
"Shut up, sockhead!" yelled Eddy.
"I can't do that!" exclaimed Toad. "Mushrooms are people, too! I can't do your stupid ads! I think I'll choose the lesser of two evils and stick with the kid and the tiger!"
"Thank you! See ya, Eddy!" Calvin, Hobbes, and Toad jumped in the wagon and drove away through the night.
"You haven't seen the last of me, buddy!" Eddy called after them.
Edd groaned. "Please tell me that this isn't going to be one of those stories where you play the villain."
"It's starting to look like it," said Eddy. "After them, Ed!"
Ed took off running.
"Hey!" called Eddy. "Wait for me!" He ran, too.
Edd sighed and ran, too. "Oh, curse Doc Hopper..."
At first, I thought Toad and Calvin would be quick friends, but it didn't go so smoothly when I wrote it. Let's face it Calvin only saved Toad for the benifit of himself. "Happy Feet" is a famous song on the Muppet Show originally performed by Kermit. It was not actually in the Muppet Movie. Yes, Eddy as the villain all the time does get old, but he fits better than say, Bowser.
