Prompt #5: Olivia takes the advice her therapist gave her and decides to give it a go with Elliot. After his last case, Elliot needs Olivia just as much.
I'm Not Fine
~oOo~
Walk me home in the dead of night
I can't be alone with all that's on my mind (mhm)
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong going on outside
"I'm not fine."
The words sat in the space between them. They were in her Tahoe, parked outside of the OCCB building. Elliot had invited her for lunch, likely hope they could catch up.
It had been a few weeks of radio silence where they kept missing each other.
"I didn't mean to say that out loud." Olivia thought back to her last appointment with her therapist. He'd suggested she try talking to Elliot about what she was feeling. Be honest. It felt like the hardest thing in the world. "I…"
"Liv?" Elliot reached across the center console to grasp her hand. "Talk to me."
"I'm not fine." She pressed her lips together, turning to stare out the window to avoid those searching blue eyes filled with concern. "My therapist asked me what I wanted for myself. Not Noah. Not from the job. But what I wanted for myself—in my personal life. Romantically."
"And? What did you say?"
"I said I'd given up thinking about it." Olivia refused to glance at him even when he squeezed her hand. His fingers moved up to grab her chin, turning her head towards his. "Don't…"
"What do you want, Liv? If you could have anything in the world for one weekend this summer, what would you want?" Elliot wouldn't let go of her chin. "Tell me."
"To rest. To really rest in someone's arms. Just be side by side in bed—maybe out of the city. Hell, just a fancy hotel room would do. No phones. No Noah. No responsibilities. Just for a few hours to be able to unload everything." Olivia didn't know why she'd suddenly lost her ability to keep her truth inside. Lindstrom had forced her to confront the idea of a life with Elliot. And no, she couldn't stop. The walls around her heart had fallen. "To just be held."
"By someone? Anyone in particular?" Elliot's thumb began to caress her chin, just grazing her bottom lip. "Liv?"
"You know the answer."
He swiped his thumb across her bottom lip one last time before releasing her. "Dickie and Eli are taking the twins camping. Kieran and Seamus wanted to know if Noah could go."
"I…"
"They're going on a Friday and coming back on Monday. How about you take those days off as well and let me take you somewhere?" Elliot slipped his fingers over her wrist, gently caressing her. "You can take a few days. I'll bribe Fin."
"Elliot. I can't…"
"Why not? Noah loves the twins. They'd have fun. Dickie's mostly a responsible adult." Elliot winked when she laughed. "I know we're tiptoeing our way into this relationship. But why don't you let me see if I can't make your 'wants' come true?"
Olivia fully intended to say no. She was understaffed. McGrath was a persistent pain. She thought about Noah enjoying a 'boys' camping trip. "Okay."
There's something in the way you roll your eyes
Takes me back to a better time
When I saw everything is good
But now you're the only thing that's good
It was two weeks later when Olivia waved goodbye to Noah. He was squashed into the backseat of Dickie's vehicle with a twin on either side of him. He barely remembered to wave back at her.
Elliot stepped up beside her to wrap his arm around her shoulders. "Always tough to let them go."
Olivia leaned in and rested her head against him briefly. "It is. He was so excited to go with your boys. All of them."
"Like family." Elliot had already tossed their bags into the back of her Tahoe and taken her keys from her. They were driving—somewhere. He hadn't said where yet. "You ready?"
"Been waiting for twenty-something years." Olivia had found a way to let go of the fear in her heart that had been begging her to cancel. "We might have to stop for coffee. Noah had me up at three in the morning to repack his bag for him. He was so excited."
"I got you covered. Let's go. Here." Elliot climbed into the driver's seat and handed her a travel mug. "Coffee."
Olivia took a sip. It was perfect. Made just the way she liked but definitely better quality than what she usually had this early in the morning. "I take back half of the rude things I said about you when Noah woke me up."
"Only half?"
"It was very early in the morning." Olivia grinned before taking another sip of coffee. She settled into her seat. "Where we going?"
"It's a surprise. And yes, I know you hate surprises." Elliot handed her a paper bag. "Got these for you."
Olivia opened the bag, peering inside to find a handful of cookies. "Did Noah pack our breakfast?"
"Remember the bakery near the old precinct?"
Olivia reached in to grab one of the cookies. She took a bite and was transported back twenty years. "I haven't had one of these in ages."
"I want this to be special for you."
Tryna stand up on my own two feet
This conversation ain't comin' easily
And darling, I know it's getting late
So what do you say we leave this place?
Thirty minutes later, they'd finally gotten north of the city. Olivia still wasn't sure where they were going. They eventually pulled into a private, gated driveway outside of Bedford Hills; it was long and winding through a beautifully landscaped property.
"Where the hell are we?" Olivia asked.
Elliot drove them past a large mansion to a quiet cottage hidden by a walled garden. Olivia noticed the small swimming pool and hot tub nearby. "A friend I met while doing private security owns this place. He offered the cottage for as long as we want."
"It's beautiful."
"I thought this might be a quiet and healing oasis for both of us."
So say you'll stay with me tonight
The cottage was a cozy little place that seemed more suited to some beach further up the coast. It had two bedrooms and a fully furnished kitchen. Late that evening, Olivia found herself sitting on the bed in one of the rooms, not knowing what to do with herself.
"Liv? Just thought I'd say good night." Elliot tapped on the door before stepping inside. "Something wrong?"
"No." She knew what she wanted but how to ask for it. "It's a nice room."
"It is." Elliot came over to sit next to her. "Talk to me, partner. What's going on?"
"I just…" Olivia had slept alone for such a long time. She glanced back at the bed. "It's a large mattress."
"It is," Elliot repeated.
"Big enough for two people."
"Yep." He smiled when she huffed in frustration. "Do you want me to join you?"
And that was how they wound up in bed together. Olivia had expected some level of awkwardness. But there was none at all.
Somehow things just worked.
They just worked.
Elliot had shifted onto his side and caught her by the waist to drag her closer. His arms had been a comforting weight around her. "I used to dream about this."
"Yeah?"
"All the long days when I was working private security. All the nights when I was away from New York. Kathy thought distance would bring me back. But in the end, it made everything worse. I gave my physical presence to my wife and my kids. But my heart and soul were with you every step of the way." Elliot nuzzled his face against the back of her neck. She felt him kiss the top of her shoulder before snuggling into her. "I tried to be a good husband. A good father. I took vows, so I stayed. Sometimes I think if I'd just had the courage to follow my heart, maybe Kathy would still be alive."
"Elliot…"
"It's something I've been working on with my therapist. I just…you gotta know that I thought about you constantly for ten years." His arm tightened around her. Olivia reached back with her hand to gently run her fingers over his head. He twisted his head to kiss her fingers when they strayed close to his lips. "I threw myself into work. And then, like god had answered the prayers I never dared whisper, I got a call to work with the NYPD again. And all I could think about was, maybe I'd find my way back to you."
Olivia had to see his face for this conversation. She twisted around in his arms, so they were nose to nose. "I wish you'd called me. But I understand why you stayed away. You wouldn't be the man I love if you hadn't been there for your family."
"But you're family too. And I was wrong." Elliot tilted his head, so their foreheads rested together. "I prayed for you. Dreamed of you. I just…I want you to know that I carried you in my heart."
"I thought about you." Olivia shifted closer to her. She hadn't been held like this in so long. "I want to give this a shot. Us. I want to really try."
"Yeah?" Elliot leaned his head back a little. "I love you."
"El."
"I know I've said it at the worst possible times. But…I just fucking love you, Liv. It's always been you." He brushed a kiss against her lips. Just a gentle, soft promise of things to come in the future. "Rest, Liv. I've got you."
Olivia closed her eyes. She allowed herself to sink into his embrace. "I love you too."
