I do not own any characters, but the Hosts.

Here's how I will be doing to reaction stuff. If I am unable to get a decent transcript or understanding of the characters and plot of the other universes, I will replace them with the RWBY casts. That includes the names of the characters as well.

With that said, enjoy this small chapter.

Pardon my grammar.


Monty Python, Life of Brian - Biggus Dickus


The screen darkens as the audience wondered what would be shown in the next presentation.

"What do you think will be next? Our Hosts did say it was comedic." Penny asked her friend, Ruby.

"I don't know, but hopefully it'll take our mind away from the last presentation."

"I hope there will be puns."

Everyone in the audience, minus Tai and maybe Nora, flatly looked at Yang. "No."

"Oh, oh! It's starting!" Nora bounced from her seat.

The scene takes place in the ancient eras; in the audience chamber of the fifth governor of the Roman province of Judaea, Pontius Pilate.

Oobleck blinked, "Those marble columns and floor, the mosaic in the makings, the clothing…" The historian summoned a sketchbook and pen from the air, drawing and writing what was on screen. "Is this from the historical past?!"

"Ugh, their fashion…" Coco recoiled.

"Barty is hyperventilating." Beacon's faculty members looked at their history professor with disquiet.

"Correct. However, this does not take place within your known universe. It hails from another world, another planet called Earth. There is no aura, no Grimm, no Dust, no faunus, and no magic. The people you see here are the citizens or soldiers of the Roman Empire. The Romans"

Doubletake from everyone regarding aura, Dust, and Grimm. Another set from Ozpin and Cinder regarding magic. Blake on the faunus part.

"Interesting! Intriguing! No wonder! The architecture and decoration styling is different, yet familiar!" Oobleck frantically wrote it down with blistering speed.

A ragged man with a skull cap named Brian is hauled into Pilate's audience chamber. It is big and impressive, although a certain amount of redecorating is underway.

As the Centurion strides closer to Pilate, he salutes, "Hail Caesar."

Pilate saluted back with his hand raised, "Hail Caesar."

"Are they…" Jaune tried to find his sentence, "Praising their god with their greetings?"

"Or someone of importance." Oobleck nodded as he wrote that down.

"Boring," Mercury said under his breath. This presentation looked very bland.

Ironwood and Winter, on the other hand, were a bit curious about the guards in red. Atlas Military taught its soldier and officer cadets the History of Military Arts, but when it comes to the more ancient eras, the accounts were poorly recorded.

"These must be elite guards if they're tasked with protecting the governor." Ironwood mused.

"And the one with the golden markings on his segmented cuirass is most definitely their officer." The older Schnee leaned back on her seat.

"Only one survivor, Sir." The Centurion stated, turning his attention to Brian who was flanked and carried by two Roman guards.

Everyone raised an eyebrow. One survivor? From what? This does not sound like a comedic act.

"Maybe not." Mercury took it back.

Tai shook his head, "Off to a dark start. Maybe a black comedy?"

Everyone groaned.

"That wasn't on purpose." The blond man was taken aback.

Roman scowled, "I find that hard to believe." His partner in crime, Neo, nodded in agreement.

"Thwow him to the floor." (Throw him to the floor) Pilate commands.

The Centurion swiveled his head to get a better hearing of his governor. "What, Sir?"

Coco laughed at the funny accent, "Holy smokes. Even the officer doesn't know what his boss is saying!"

"There's even subtitles for the guy." Sun snickered.

"Thwow him to the floor." (Throw him to the floor) He repeated once more, eyes wide with slight annoyance.

"Ah!" The Centurion motions to the two Roman guards, who throw Brian to the ground. Brian grunted as he hit the floor, his fallen position made it seemed like he was prostrating before the governor.

"Humph. Now, what is your name, Jew?"

"What's a Jew?" Blake asked their Hosts.

"Jews or Jewish people are ethnoreligious group/cultural community whose traditional religion is Judaism."

"I see."

"I take it, the Jews and the Romans are at odds with each other?" Said Ironwood.

"Correct. There have been several uprisings against Roman occupation throughout the years."

"Yes… Yes…!" Oobleck wrote down the information.

"Brian, sir." He raised himself from the floor slowly.

Pilate looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Bwian, eh?" (Brian, eh?)

Believing that Pilate had misheard his name, he corrected the governor. "No, no. Brian." The Centurion cuffs him. "Ow!"

"So, mean!" Ruby fumed, "He was trying to help."

"The accent isn't really helping things." Neptune tried to keep the grin off his face.

The governor made an amusing sound. "The little wascal has thpiwit." (The little rascal has spirit.)

Vernal frowned, "If it weren't for the subtitles I wouldn't have understood that."

"This is stupid." Raven rolled her eyes.

"Has what, sir?" The Centurion leaned closer looking slightly confused.

"THPIWIT." (SPIRIT.) Pilate loudly repeated.

His officer snapped to attention. "Yes, he did, sir."

Pilate wasn't convinced that his Centurion understood what he meant. "No, no, thpiwit...bwavado...a touch of dewwing-do." (No, no, spirit. Bravado, a touch of derring-do.)

"Now, that's just sad," Roman smirked.

Tai chuckled, "Ah, I think I know where this is going."

"What is derring-do mean?" Ruby asked Weiss.

The heiress frowned, not entirely familiar with the word. It was Penny that saved the day.

"Derring-do means an action displaying heroic courage."

"Ah, thanks, Penny!"

"You're very much welcome!"

Still not really understanding the governor, the Centurion responded with what he believed was asked. "Ah. About eleven, sir."

Pilate frowned, slowing turning his head and stared at his commander with an incredulous expression.

Half of the audience burst out laughing or grinning at the miscommunication at play.

"Oh god! This is going to be good!" Yang cackled at Pilate's expression.

Even Ironwood and Glynda couldn't help but shake their heads all while smiling. It was a familiar sight; the Huntsman Academy gathers students throughout the entirety of Remnant. Culture, accent, beliefs, gestures… There was bound to be miscommunication or interpretation among the student body.

The results were generally hilarious.

"So, you dare to waid uth." (So, you dare to raid us?) Pilate continued on with his 'interrogation.'

Rising to his feet, Brian looked confusedly at Pilate. "To what, sir?"

Pilate looked very annoyed as he turned his body and fixed his toga. "Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly." (Strike him, centurion, very roughly.)

The Centurion complied by backhanding Brain across the face. "Oh, and throw him to the floor, Sir?" He asked the governor.

"What?" Pilate was distracted from readjusting his bracers.

"THROW him to the floor again, Sir?"

"Oh, yeth. Thwow him to the floor, please." (Oh, yes. Throw him to the floor, please.)

The Centurion nodded at the two guards throw him to the floor. They lifted Brian up a few inches before pushing him down onto the floor.

"Ahgw!" Brian yelped as he hit the smooth, stone floor.

"What was the point in that?" Emerald asked all while sporting a grin on her face. There's nothing funnier than powerful figures acting like buffoons.

"Why not?" Cinder shrugged, slightly amused.

"Now, Jewith wapscallion…" (Now, Jewish rapscallion…)

"I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman!" Brian corrected.

Oobleck adjusted his glasses, "It appears that the conquered are assimilated into this Roman Empire. Is that correct?"

"That is correct."

"Quite a policy." Raven quipped at that. The Branwen Tribe had a similar policy when it comes to recruiting new members from settlements and rivaling groups.

"A woman?" (A Roman?)

"No, no, ROMAN"

Brain received another backhand strike from the Centurion.

Coco was chuckling at the 'woman' part. "His accent is hilarious."

Team CFVY was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"He certainly has his way with words." Yang chortled, earning a few groans from her teammates.

"Tho, your father was a woman. Who wath he?" (So, your father was a Roman? Who was he?) Pilate asked while inspecting his nails.

Brian raised himself up from the floor while proclaiming proudly. "He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison, sir."

Ironwood raised an eyebrow. "His father was an officer of their army?"

Blake shook her head with disgust. This scenario wasn't so farfetched with the dealings happening for the faunus at Atlas.

"Really?" Pilate looked intrigued, "What was his name?"

"Nortius Maximus." (Naughtius Maximus.)

Involuntary wheezing-like titter arises from the Centurion before he returned to his stoic expression.

The students burst out laughing at that name.

"What kind of name is that?!" Ruby was giggling madly, nearly slipping out of her seat in the process.

Jaune covered his hand across his face, joining in on the laughter. "Who? Who?!"

"Who names their kid that?!" Roman slapped his knee and fell back on his chair laughing.

"And I thought I had it worst!" Mercury and Emerald shook their heads with amusement.

"Ohohoh! What an hilarious name." Port tugged on his mustache.

Pilate had a wildered look. "Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?" (Centurion, do you have any one of that name in the garrison?)

The Centurion looked at the governor with disbelief. "Well… No, sir."

"Well, you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?" (Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked?)

"Was it all a lie, or a coverup?" Vernal thought out loud at the Centurion's denial.

Raven sighed, though her lips were twitching every so often. "I think I know…"

"Well… No, sir. I think it's a joke, sir… Like Sillius Soddus, or Biggus Dickus."

Coco and Yang snorted at the two given names while Glynda pinched her forehead.

The last name seemed to catch the governor's attention. With a frown, Pilate snapped his head towards the Centurion and asked, "What's so funny about Bigguth Dickuth?" (What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?)

"No!" Tai pointed at the screen with a big grin on his face. "No!" He said with mocked denial as he glanced at Qrow and Raven. They stared back at him with a similar expression. "No way!" He half-squeaked.

"Don't tell me." Glynda's eye twitched.

"So, it would seem." Ozpin let out a chuckle.

"What? What's wrong?" Ruby asked her father who didn't respond.

"I think we're about to find out," Pyrrha answered, clutching her arm in an attempt to control herself from laughing.

Looking baffled, the Centurion replied slowly. "Well, it's a joke name, sir."

"Even I wouldn't believe it." A big grin was plastered on Ironwood's face.

Winter was surprised at the general's expression. "Sir?"

This seemed to confused Pilate greatly. "I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Bigguth Dickuth." (I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.)

A burst of involuntary laughter came from a nearby guard. The outburst surprises Pilate.

Tai slammed his hand on the armrest of his chair and pointed at the screen. "No! I knew it!"

"Oh god…" Raven facepalmed while her brother, Qrow, took a quick swig from his flask before storing it away.

"I would have ended the one who had given me such an obscene name before ending myself!" Glynda exclaimed with shock.

Yang crossed her arms and wrapped herself very tightly, trying to restrain her laughter. "I can't… I can't believe someone is named… That! Haha!"

"Silence!" Pilate stormed over to the guard and got up near his face. "What is all this insolence?" He pointed a finger at the guard. "You will find yourself in gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that." (You will find yourself in gladiator school very quickly with rotten behavior like that.)

"Gladiators! I thought I would never hear that word again!" Oobleck exclaimed as he wrote it down quickly.

The guard tries to stop giggling, resuming to his stoic expression while Pilate turns away from him, looking angry.

"Can I go now, sir?" Brian asked Pilate only to have the Centurion strike him again, knocking the skull cap off Brian's head.

Pilate stormed back to his original position, looking peeved. "Wait till Bigguth Dickuth hears of this!" (Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!)

The guard from earlier immediately breaks up again causing Pilate to turn on him. "Wight! Take him away!" (Right! Take him away!) He angrily pointed his finger at the snickering guard.

"Oh sir, he only…" The Centurion tried to defend the soldier, but the governor wanted none of it as the guard broke down in laughter even further.

"No, no! I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week." (I want him fighting rapid wild animals within a week!)

Cinder was quietly giggling to herself at the hilarity of the name and situation. "I can't blame him."

"It was worth it." Mercury agreed while sniggering.

"Remind me to rename my contacts once we get back." It was a petty gesture, but Cinder took great joy in the humiliation of her peers even if they weren't aware of it.

"Yes, sir. Come on, you." The Centurion starts to drag out the wretched guard.

It seems that the guards were also distracted by the events unfolding, trying to keep themselves from laughing and thus, not paying attention to Brian.

"I will not have my fwendth widiculed by the common tholdiewy." (I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery!) Pilate angrily paced around before coming to a halt. He stared at the rest of the guards in attendance and slowly walked up towards them. "Anyone else feel like a little… Giggly…"

The guards stiffened and set their jaws tightly as their governor came up to them.

"There's no way you guys can't laugh at the next part." Tai challenged with a wide grin.

"We'll see about that." Yang and Raven crossed their arms, accepting the challenge; silently on Raven's part.

Vernal bit her lips, trying to top her lips from curving upward, while Roman and Neo covered their mouths with their hands.

"You're on." Sun accepted the challenge as well.

Weiss sighed, "How vulgar." Though, deep inside; she found the skit hilarious especially how it was presented.

"We're going to lose." Coco giggled to which Yatsuhashi agreed.

Ozpin placed his cup down and clasped his finger in anticipation as well, earning him a glance from Ironwood and Glynda.

"… When I mention my fwend…" He goes right up to one of the guards. "Biggus..." One of the guards stifled a titter. "Dickus?"

The guards couldn't help but crack a bit, trying extremely hard to keep their professionalism on that their face was starting to turn red. One of the guards standing near the pillar was more audible in his titter, earning him the attention of Pilate as he walked over to the guard. Meanwhile, the rest of the guards were sucking in their lips and cheeks, trying not to laugh.

Ruby was already snigging at the scene, coming close to falling out of the chair if it weren't for Penny holding her up.

On the other spectrum, Winter was covering her face with a single hand, not wanting to join in on the comedic reaction.

"And what about you? Do you find it… Risible…?" He asked the guard, who had sucked up nearly his entire lower face just to stop giggling and grinning.

"AHAHAH! H-h-his face!" Yang and Nora broke down into laughter at the guard's face, adding into the hilarity that continues to build up in the audience.

Pilate mockingly shook his head, "When I say the name… Biggus…" The guard's lip twitched violently upward; his face scrunched up, making a wheezing/whimpering sound. "Dickus?" Pilate leaned in very close to the guard's face, extremely peeved. The guard was closed to breaking, but the sound of sniggering from the other guards caught Pilate's attention.

The audience was now filled with soft snickering.

The guard clamped his jaw over his lip, returning to his somewhat stoic expression. Pilate glared at the guard before turning his attention to the two guards flanking Brian, who were slowly breaking down in restrained laughter. The governor walked over to them, forcing them to snap back to attention.

He walked behind the two guards, staring at them intently.

"His face!" Nora laughed even harder at the governor's peeved expression. "I-I'm dying!"

"Same…" Jaune whimpered as he clutched his chest, ready to burst out in laughter.

After a moment of silence, Pilate continued. "He has a wife you know…"

The guards tense up.

"Oh god, no…" Weiss struggled to maintain her appearance.

Roman's eye twitched, "We're done for, Neo."

"Yes." Neo's sign said before the colorful girl dropped it in favor of covering her mouth with both hands, even though she is mute.

"You know what she's called?" The guards shook their heads while bracing themselves. One of them closed his eyes and silently utter a prayer. "She's called… Incontinentia."

The guards relax.

Emerald sighed a relief. "Whew. Made it."

"Same." Vernal got herself under control, looking proud.

"Incontinentia Buttockth." (Incontinentia Buttocks.)

"PFFFFFFT!"

The guards fall about laughing, some trying very hard to restrain themselves before falling apart.

"Shut up! What is all of this?!" Pilate roared as he stomped around the chambers.

It didn't do much.

The guards were incapacitated, holding their sides and dropping their spears; the chamber was filled with uncontrollable laughter as the governor tried to regain order.

The audience was no different, having broken down in laughter, most were in tears.

"C-c-c-can't… Breathe!" Blake gasped for air.

Ruby had fallen off her chair and was rolling on the floor, laughing while she covered her head with her cloak. Tai was pounding on his armrest, roaring with laughter before barreling over, joining his younger daughter on the ground.

Jaune and Pyrrha were leaning on each other for support, laughing their heads off while Ren covered his face, softly chuckling to himself. As for Nora… She was already long gone.

"I've had enough of this wowdy webel, sniggering behaviour. Thilence!" But the guards are all hysterical by now, allowing Brian to escape his captivity. "You call yourselves Pawaetonian guards?!" Pilate notices Brian escaping, and yelled at his guards to capture the fleeing Jew. "Theize him! Theize him! Blow your noses and theize him!"

(I had enough of this rowdy-rebel, sniggering behavior! Silence! You call yourselves Praetorian Guards?! Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!)

The screen fades to dark as the presentation ended, leaving nothing but a laughing mess.

Everyone was laughing to some extent.

"I can't… I just can't…" Coco wheezed while clutching her chest.

Sun gasped and coughed, "My lungs." He broke down again along with Neptune.

The laughing eventually subsided with everyone getting something to drink.

"Ah, I thought I was goner there," Qrow mumbled with a silly grin on his face.

Raven rubbed her face with annoyance, trying to wipe the stupid smirk off her face. "My face hurts…"

"That's the beautiful part about you, Rae." Tai whistled.

"Says the guy who went for Summer when I left." Her jabbed fell on deaf ears as everyone was partially recovering from the presentation.

"We are pleased that you enjoy the presentation."

"It was quite a breather!" Yang whooped.

"That better not be a pun, Yang."

Ozpin calmly took a sip from his mug, while glancing over at Oobleck's notes. It appears that the historian was interested in starting a fictional historical account for some reason. He chuckled softly, returning his attention to the Hosts.

"What shall you be presenting next?"

"The Great War."

Everyone immediately shut up.

"One waged in a different universe and a different time. It shall be horrific beyond what any of you shall experience and witness."

Ironwood looked intrigued but also perturbed. "That was not an exaggeration, was it?"

"It is not. This world is much like the one you had just witnessed, but bleaker, yet promising. Their technology is primitive, yet advanced and destructive. Brace yourself, for you shall witness the Great War, known to many as World War 1."

The adults silently mouthed 'World War 1' with a frown.

"This will be interesting." Cinder said to herself, extremely curious about the next presentation.


NEXT: Battlefield 1 - Storm of Steel

Change of plans, I will not yet change the rating to [M] Mature yet due to how I wrote the next chapter.


Pardon my grammar, spelling, and sequences description.


Another Note: I have posted some Concepts on my Profile page. If you're interested in what they are, come and check them out.