Blog 3 – The Curse B-tch and I Part II

Feeling more confident in her abilities since her close brush with death the last time she tried to rescue Cain, Meleezon strode over to Akara.

"I think I'm ready to go rescue that old geezer now. How do I get to Tristram? I didn't even ask Scary Dude when I was traveling with him."

"Well, we need a scroll. It was supposed to be on a tree in the Dark Woods, but Scary Dude sent me a message saying he couldn't find it. I guess I was wrong."

"Oh wait, you mean this scroll?" Meleezon reached into her backpack and pulled out the rough piece of bark covered in runes.

"Why, yes! That's highly convenient".

Meleezon handed the scroll over to the old healer. Akara studied it, turned it upside down, held it up to the light, then finally flipped it over.

"Oh here it is. Instructions for getting to Tristram:

1: Go to the Stony Field.

2: Find 6 giant stones in the field, and head-butt 5 stones in the order shown on the other side of this paper. (Note: if head-butting doesn't work, just try pressing the stones softly)

3: Stand back and watch the dramatic lightning display put on for your entertainment pleasure.

4: Step through the portal.

5: Take off your shirt and jump up and down a lot."

Meleezon raised an eyebrow, snatched the paper from Akara's hands and re-read the last line.

"5: Take off your shirt and… Goddam it Shogun I told you NOT to go through my stuff!"

---Fast Forward – Cold Plains---

On their way to the Stony Field, Meleezon met another well known pest who she'd forgotten to visit before.

"So Bishibosh, we meet at last!"

"Eeyark. Ookan argho eep"

"Why thank you. You're looking well too. Although you won't be in say... oh… 3 seconds when I hack your head off."

"Yoink gar?"

-Chop hack-

"Stand back Divo, he's going to blow"

"Huh….?"

-BOOOOM-

"Oh my god… it's everywhere… it's in my battle wounds!... and my hair… oh my god, my new shoes!"

---Fast Forward – Stony Field---

Meleezon and Shogun were within sight of the stones, when they came across a small encampment of Fallen. After a quick, but satisfyingly bloody battle, Meleezon scanned the dead for anything useful, and spotted a shiny two handed axe. At the same time Shogun did. They both lunged but the Necro got there first.

"Hand that over," said Meleezon.

"I want the money I'll get from selling it," replied Shogun.

"I need it, you don't. You're pushing my buttons," growled Meleezon.

"Oh? Which buttons are they?" replied Shogun.

"The ones with a skull and crossbones that says I should go hostile on your bony ass."

Suddenly, as if from no where, a shiny glowing two handed axe appeared on the ground.

"Hey check that out!" said Shogun, "Looks cool... but you can have if you want."

Meleezon heaved her new weapon upon her shoulders. Just for fun, she chased down a lone Carver and cleaved him in two.

"Bet you're not so fond of carving now, ay? Ay? Huh? Get it?"

Shogun didn't find it funny. Meleezon chased him the rest of the way to the stones.

---Fast Forward---

"There. Finally. I told you we should have tried pressing the stones first, but nnnooooo… you really wanted to do the head-butting thing."

"C'mon, you can't say watching my Golem smashing his cranium against the rocks again and again wasn't amusing."

"Oh... alright. I admit it. Now let's go to Tristram."

"Didn't you forget to do step five…"

"RUN, CURSE B-TCH, RUN!"

---Fast Forward---

"Hey look, a dead cow-"

-BBOOOOOOOMMMMM!-

---Fast Forward---

"Deckard Cain, if you want to live, go to the Rogue Encampment!"

The doddery old man shuffled out of his cage.

"I thank you for saving my -"

"GO TO THE ROGUE ENCAMPMENT!"

Cain was surprised but nodded. Suddenly, a large Zombie stumbled out from behind a building.

"Griswold!" cried Cain happily, "Come give your old friend a hug!"

Meleezon promptly interjected.

"Dude, he's dead! Can't you see that? Look how slow he's walking. And he smells. And look at his clothing! All ripped!"

Cain thought these facts over.

"Slow. Doesn't bathe. Can't sew... yup! That's Griswold the Blacksmith all right! Come here, you old fooler you."

"Aaarrrnnn..." replied Griswold, still stumbling towards them. He'd covered around 3 metres in the past 2 minutes.

"Look, he can't even talk!" yelled Meleezon.

"Are you sure?" asked Cain, "That's the way he always says hello."

Meleezon had had enough. She pulled a town portal from her backpack and handed it to Cain.

"GO! NOW"

Cain look confused, but took the scroll anyway.

"I don't know how to get to this Rogue Encampment, but I'll try," he said.

He opened the town portal and walked through. Six feet away, another town portal opened, and Cain walked back out.

"By the Gods!" he cried, "The minions of Diablo have even reached the Rogues!"

Meleezon slapped her forehead and ground her teeth. Cain was a perfect example of why the elderly were encouraged to wander in the jungle of the Amazonian Isles. She opened a town portal of her own, picked up Cain and threw him through.

Meanwhile, Griswold was getting dangerously close. He picked up speed from 4 steps per minute to 6. Meleezon looked for Shogun, and spotted him teasing some Goatmen by casting a fear curse on them.

"How does it feel, how does it feel?" he screamed while chasing them through the burning buildings.

"Oi, Shogun. Care to do the honours?" Meleezon enquired.

Shogun paused long enough to cast that familiar red curse.

"Thanks."

-Chop. Thunk-

"Hmph," thought Meleezon as she frisked over the body, "for an ex-blacksmith, old Grissy sure carried crap gear."

She walked over to the portal Cain had disappeared through.

"Shogun I'm going now. Are you coming or are you going to terrify those goats into bleating themselves?"

The chuckling Necromancer left his entertainment and followed Meleezon through the portal.

---Fast Forward---

"Thank you for saving me from that doomed town, hero. I would surely have starved to death in another 2 or 3 minutes"

"No problem. Now, let's talk payment."

"Surely. As reward, I shall analyse any magic item you bring before me, make 'hmmm' and 'ahhh' noises to make it sound exciting, then tell you randomly what it does. If you don't like what it does, I'll make something else up until we get something you do."

"Sounds useful… what do these gloves do?"

"Hmmm….. ahhhh!"

"What? What do they do?"

"Let's see. I'd say… +3 to nose picking."

"….what."

"Don't like that? Ok+2 to ass scratching?"

"You're not helpful in the slightest. Just give me a rare weapon or I'll wipe the grass with your bald head."

"Just try it punk. I'm ex-Horadrim, I know the moves!"

-Does some Kung-Fu style Matrix moves. Breaks hip.-

"….. would you settle for a thumb wrestle?"

"Why did I waste my time rescuing you? I'm going to see Akara."

---Fast Forward---

"You have saved the life of Deckard Cain," said Akara happily, "and for that I shall reward you."

She handed Meleezon a shiny ring.

"Ooohhh... sparkly... but what does it do?"

"It will increase the speed in which you cast spells by ten percent." Akara beamed, "It was a prized possession of my family."

Meleezon said nothing. Then, after awhile, she walked over to the local Blacksmith, Charsi.

"I'll give you 260 gold for it," Charsi said.

Meleezon agreed and made sure Akara could see as she handed over the worthless ring and took the gold. She flipped the peeved healer an obscene hand gesture as she walked past.

"Amazon. Not Sorceress. There's at least 4 bra sizes between us for crying out loud!"

Shogun was packing his stuff. Apparently he'd decided that loving the living was far more rewarding then loving the dead, as he and his Rogue were planning to run away and get married.

"Where's the ceremony going to be?" asked Meleezon.

"The Cemetery, of course," scoffed Shogun. "It's so peaceful. And we'll be surrounded by my darling's rotting relatives. She really likes the idea. I think. At least, I'm pretty sure that was 'vomit of happiness'. Comes with the tears, right?"

Meleezon waved goodbye and went off in search of a new quest.

Next Blog: "What do you MEAN you don't want my blood? Ooohh... the virgin thing... hehe... ahem."