Blog 5 – Muscles, Friends and FREE4U

After an extremely pointless and uneventful walk through the Tamoe Highlands, Divo and Meleezon arrived at... oh wait, something did happen.

---Rewind---

"Hahah! Take that, Quill Rats! Feel the wrath of REAL projectiles!"

"You really get into killing those rodents, don't you Divo?"

"Wouldn't you if you didn't wear much in the way of rear protection and one day you sat down on what appeared to be a grassy rock? It took me a freakin' week to get all those spines out! Not to mention the humiliation of having Akara 'heal me' every day."

"Good point."

"Ahah! Another one!"

-Boink-

"What the hell was that, Divo? I've never seen that happen before."

"I... don't know. Whoa! Check out my arm! It's a muscle! Awesome! I feel stronger now!"

"Um, yeah. Good for you."

"I feel stronger now! I feel stronger now!"

"Shut up."

---Fast Forward---

"So this is the Rogue Citadel, your home Divo?"

"Yeah. Isn't it lovely?"

Meleezon watched as a Carver ran past, dragging his butt along the carpet and leaving a charming brown trail.

"Yes… could do with some cleaning though."

Divo began to give the guided tour.

"We're in the Citadel Gate at the moment. Walk through this door and look! Now we're in the Outer Cloister! Step back through, now we're in the Citadel Gate again! Outer Cloister…. Citadel Gate… Outer Cloister –"

"Divo, would you like to know what it feels like to be cut in half?"

"Not really"

"Then shut up and show me the way to the Barracks."

At the entrance of the Barracks, Meleezon was surprised to be greeted by not one new companion, but three. A Barbarian was the first to wave in greeting

"Yo, I'm Balthassar, and that's a nice rack!"

"I beg your pardon?" said Meleezon in surprise.

"Sorry, I was talking about those weapon racks over there," he said, gesturing over to a wall lined with pole arms in the Barracks. "Anyway, the Sorceress beside me here is Frozen Spooky. She's-"

"I can introduce myself, you man," the tall woman wearing a rather skimpy green fabric interrupted. She looked Meleezon up and down and wrinkled her nose. "Ah, hello? Red is, like, sssoooo last week. You really want to be seen fighting the forces of evil in THAT? Puh-lease."

Meleezon smiled sweetly and pretended like she didn't really want to rip the b-tche's head off and shove it down her throat.

"Grrr… me Hidalgo!" said a rather stupid looking Druid who was standing next to Frozen and panting. He scratched himself behind the ears, growled at some buzzing flies, and mumbled something about wanting to 'mark his territory'. Balthassar, who had obviously been traveling with these two for awhile, winked at Meleezon and let out a gasp.

"Hidalgo! Quick! I think your tail is trying to get away!"

"Huh? Wha?... Where?"

The druid immediately looked frightened and began to run in circles, chasing his behind.

"He's not even in werewolf form," said Meleezon, watching the display of sheer stupidity.

"I know, makes it all the more funny," said the Barbarian. "Just don't ask him about his fleas; he's named them all."

"Ahhhh! Me lost Itchy! Itchy, where are you? Bitey, look for Itchy. Bloaty look after Bitey."

Balthassar sighed with obvious pity.

"Anyway, we're about to go in and take on the Smith. Apparently he's guarding a hammer or something."

"Oh yeah, I need that hammer," said Meleezon, "I'll come too."

"Sure, and maybe the Smith will fall in love with your fashion sense and whisk you away to his four bedroom cesspit in Hell." Frozen was just asking to be b-tch slapped.

"Go stand on a corner. Oh wait; you're a cold enchantress aren't you? Was your nickname at school 'Cold Fish' perhaps?"

"How dare you!... It was Fridgette, but that's not important!"

"Oooohh cat fight! Where's a video camera when I need one?"

"Shut up Balthassar. I know your nickname was 'Wee Willy' in high school."

"Why were you called that Balth?"

"Eeer… no reason… let's go kill the Smith."

---Fast Forward---

"ARGH! He's trying to smell my ass!"

"Oh Divo, that just means he wants to be your friend!"

---Fast Forward---

"Fee Fi Fo Fum. I smell the… pwhoar… bloody Hells… when was the last time you guys washed?"

The four heroes (and hired Rogue) stood in the forging room of the Barracks. The Smith, holding his nose and spraying some air freshener in their direction, was standing near a mighty anvil, upon which sat a small glowing hammer.

"You're not to pleasant yourself, Pinky," retorted Meleezon.

"I'll grind your bones to make my butter. I'll tear off your skin and use it for a toupee. I'll drain all your blood and make a nice gazpacho soup, garnish it with some parsley, sour cream, other assorted herbs… it'll be divine."

"You haven't practiced these much have you?"

"No not really. Would it be easier to say 'I'm gonna kill you'?"

"Yes"

"I'M GONNA –"

-Chop-

"Dude… Balthassar. What the hell? You never told me you could jump through ceilings."

"Family secret. Sorry, but that guy talked too much."

He walked over and picked up the hammer.

"Here Meleezon, you take it back to town. I'm gonna scout around abit and kill some more…"

At that moment, piercing static in their ears made all the heroes cringe. Someone was broadcasting a message over the "Slick, Quick, Hero Communication Channel".

(Every hero had a micro-communication chip implanted in their heads for easy person-to-person talking. Great for choosing which take-out everyone wants, and unanimously deciding who has to tip the delivery boy.)

The static died and a voice became clear in their ears.

"Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? FFWWEEPPPPP oops sorry, guess it is. Ahem: To all heroes in the area, I am the great Assassin Selenah, and I am retiring. I have left lots of stuff near Charsi to help you's out. I've told her not to touch it, but you can't be sure, so get there quick before the greedy b-tch takes it for herself.

Thank you for your time………. Now Gheed, about that charm of your-"

Before the message had even fully ended, 4 simultaneous town portals had been opened and used.

---Fast Forward - Back in Town---

"Mine mine mine!" screamed Balthassar, running to pick up some armor.

Meleezon didn't have time to talk; she just grabbed whatever was closest.

Frozen Spooky spotted the Artic Belt and almost wet herself with joy.

"Ooooohhh! This will go really well with my furry Ugg-boots."

Hidalgo was standing on the bridge, on the other side of camp.

"Where? Where free? Me can't find!"

Meleezon admired her prizes with glee.

"Wow! Blue shoes! I wonder what they do?"

Balthassar, who was busy polishing his new armor, looked up and snorted.

"Damn, I knew I should have grabbed them. Those are Gorefoot, the ancient blue bouncing booties of the Barbarian. I'd wrassle you for them… but I couldn't care all that much. This armour is enough."

"Hmm…" Meleezon said, putting the boots on her feet and testing them. "Bouncing booties, ay? How does it work?" She crouched and jumped; achieving a very stylish bunny hop. Divo clapped in admiration.

Her next find was labeled "Bladebone"; a single handed axe and a rather unique looking weapon at that. Meleezon tested it by swinging in a wide ark and nearly lopping off the end of Divo's pony tail.

"You cow! You almost cut my hair off! That would have been a good salon treatment wasted!" Divo said, almost crying.

"Stop the tears, and try this on for size," Meleezon said, giving her a brand new bow with the words "Raven Claw" engraved on it.

"Ooohhh… I've got to go target practice!" she said, heading in Gheed's direction.

And finally, Meleezon held up and studied a great two handed sword.

"My word, that's Soulflay!" Cain said in aghast as he spotted it. "That's an amazing old weapon bathed in the poison of –"

"Did I ask your opinion, baldy? Get back in the corner and stay there."

Cain sulkily headed back to his corner of the encampment and Meleezon tried to lift the sword up to test it. Unfortunately for her it weighed far more then she could handle, and she fell ungracefully onto her behind.

"Eh, it's probably crap anyway," she said, tossing it into her stash.

Charsi, glaring at the heroes through squinted eyes, made a huffing noise.

"I should have at least got some kind of gift for watching those weapons for you."

Meleezon bent down, picked up a rock with some strange symbols on it and tossed it to her.

"You can have that. I have no use for it."

"What is it?"

"A pet rock. If you look after it it'll grow!"

"OOHH!" Charsi squealed in delight. "Oh I love it! Come here, you. I'm going to hug you and squeeze you and name you George…"

The heroes watched her walk away to build a new home for her friend.

"Ummm… shouldn't we give her the hammer?"

"Heh, in a minute, Divo. Have you seen my new shoes?"

Next Blog: "You'll imbue my WHAT with magic powers?"