Blog 7 – Trust Not Thy Holy Warriors

Meleezon awoke the next morning from her "I'm so not going into the catacombs" drinking binge with a throbbing headache.

"Oooohhh… dude. That's the last time I do Cowboy shots with Cain. That old bastard can really put it away."

She rolled over and was greeted by an unfamiliar face.

"Hello," the face said.

Meleezons scream could be heard from the far side of camp.

"Oh god, please tell me we didn't do it."

"Relax. I'm a Druid, I only love animals."

"Oh phew, that's ok th… OH MY GOD!"

"Chill. It was a joke."

"Oh. Ok. So what were you doing in bed with me?"

"Well I joined your shots contest half way through. Then when you passed out, I dragged you here and you kind of fell on me. For a woman you're very solid. I couldn't move you... although I'd have to admit I didn't try very hard."

"Right. Ok. Ow, my freakin head. Where's Divo? Where's breakfast? Where's my coffee? What the hell is your name? Bring me aspirin!"

"One at a time please: Divo is sleeping off her own binge. Apparently she had one shot of vodka and fell off her log. She's probably still there."

Meleezon peered out of the tent towards the campfire. Sure enough, there was Divo, flat on her back snoring.

"Hah, light weight."

"My name is Quetzalcoatl… Quets for short. Breakfast is out in the Blood Moor ('So THAT'S what that place is called!' thought Meleezon) if you can catch it, and unfortunately for you, coffee and aspirin haven't been invented yet."

"Typical," she groaned, holding her head. "Our Alchemists can brew thawing, explosive and gassy potions, and ones that can mend broken bones; but give them some coffee beans and their talents go right out the window."

"So it seems. Anyway, before she… went to sleep… Divo said you's were going to go take on Andariel soon. Maybe I can be of some help?"

"If you so wish. Let me just get my gear." Meleezon sat up and then gave a long pause. "… Did you undo my bra?"

Quets was almost out the door before she could finish the sentence.

---Fast Forward---

"Holy crap, what the hell are they?" Divo cried as she and Meleezon arrived at the Cathedral doors. Quets was waiting, completely surrounded by animals.

"These are my pets," he stated. "This is Howler, Growler, Snarler, and Mango, my wolves. The raven I like to call "STOP $HITTING ON MY HEAD!" and that creepy red glowing thing is a spirit. He's supposed to increase my life, but all he seems to do is watch me intently every time I go to the bathroom."

"Ooooook then." Meleezon eyed the spirit, who seemed to be eyeing her back. "Shall we proceed into the first level?"

"Sure, as soon Howler stops trying to hump Divo's leg"

"AH! HELP! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

---Fast Forward – Level 1---

"It's so freakin dark… I can't see a thing!"

"Aren't you Amazons supposed to have some kind of innate ability for hunting in dark forests… Inner Sight perhaps?"

"….. Well I'll be; you're right! How about that…"

---Fast Forward---

"OH... for crying out loud! Geez louise… can't you even keep your pets under the slightest bit of control? It's all OVER my shoe…. bloody hell… probably smells as well -sniff- OH MY GOD."

---Fast Forward – Level 2---

"Well that was pretty easy. I don't know what I was worried about," mused Meleezon.

"Yeah, the only thing to fear around here is Quets' dog sh-"

"Hey I apologized for that, drop it already will you?"

Meleezon, Quets and Divo had finally found the stairs down.

"Level 3 girls. You want to go?"

"I dunno, think we're ready?"

At that moment, the tell tale static of someone using the Slick, Quick, Hero Communication Channel filled their ears:

"Greetings, fellow heroes," boomed a voice, "I am the mighty Oreni Sakaruka, noblest of Paladins with no thoughts of murder on my mind at all. I offer my services to those in need; would you like help in dispatching a loved one or school friend? No problem! Or perhaps killing Hell Lords lurking in the depths of Rogue Citadels is more your thing? Give me a call; we'll work something out."

"Hey, that's just what we need!" said Quets happily.

"Ummm… I'm not sure Quets… maybe we shouldn't tell him where we are just ye-"

"This is Quetzalcoatl to Oreni," Quets said, pressing his ear and sending a message of his own over the com-channel, "We're on level 2 of the catacombs in the Rogue Citadel. Think you could help us out? I'll wait for you by the stairs"

"Quets, I'm serious, this guy sounds like bad news…"

"Bah, you're just paranoid. He's a Paladin, a Holy Knight! Why would he want to do us any evil?" Quets gathered his pets and headed to the stairwell.

"Alright, but just in case, I'll wait here with a town portal open until you's get back." Meleezon called after him.

---Fast Forward---

"AAAAHHHHH! HE'S AFTER ME!" screamed the voice of Quets through the S.Q. Channel.

"Quick, cast a portal and get out!" screamed Meleezon back through hers.

"I can't, I don't have time; he's RIGHT on my tail."

"Well get your furry ass back here as fast as possible!"

Meleezon readied herself by the portal. Divo, in a crouched diving position, was determined to beat her should things turn out bad. Suddenly from the other end of the room, Quets burst through the doorway.

"He's after me! He's going to get me!"

Directly behind him was a plate mail clad Paladin, swinging a hammer wildly and screaming.

"Death to the noob-heathen! I am invincible Muwahahahah! AND PRESIDENT BUSH IS NOT AN IDIOT!"

"That guy is insane!" yelled Meleezon, "Quick Quets, run faster!"

His pets had died defending him, he was alone and being pursued, and half way across the room, it became very apparent he wasn't going to make it. Meleezon saw no other choice; she had to step through the portal.

---Fast Forward - Back in Town---

Quets' death scream still rung in her ears. Through the portal, Meleezon could see the gloating form of Oreni, standing over his kill.

"No one can defeat me! I are the greatest!"

Quets body began to shake, and slowly, a glowing blue spirit rose from his shattered form.

"You're an a$$hole", it said, floating in front of the Paladin for a second, before dissipating into the air.

Oreni Sakaruka laughed once more, then opened his town portal and disappeared, back to wherever his evil dwelling resided. Divo looked rather depressed.

"We couldn't have helped him?" she asked.

"Not if you fancy rotting with the rest of your ancient sisters down there" Meleezon sighed. "Don't worry; he's gone to a better place… perhaps that mythical afterlife realm of USWEST."

Divo nodded in agreement.

"Let's get hammered. We can try for Andariel again tomorrow."

Next Blog: I don't care if she's a Lord of Hell; I still reckon those nippel chains would freakin' hurt!