Blog 8 – Lord of the Thong

The following morning, Divo and Meleezon said their farewells to the camp. They did not believe they would be returning. Charsi, Akara and Kashya waved goodbye from the bridge; the men had done so last night over yet another binge of beer and pretzels.

"Goodbye, Meleezon," Charsi called outs. Then she held up her rock. "Say goodbye, George." The rock was silent.

"Um… thanks, Charsi," Meleezon called back. "Later!"

"George and I will never forget you!"

The Rogues watched them disappear over the plains.

"Well, let's hope they come back alive," Akara said sadly.

"Hope who comes back?"

---Fast Forward---

"So, level 3. I think we're ready now."

"Hey look, that's where Quets fell."

"Yeah… hey! Gold! He dropped it for us as a way of saying 'thanks for not trying to rescue me and saving yourself'."

"Ummm… that doesn't sound-"

"It's my story and I'm sticking to it," said Meleezon, picking up the gold. "Besides, he'd want us to have it; we can put it to better use then he can."

---Fast Forward – Level 3---

"Vampires! Dammit their fast! And since when do they LIKE fire? This is ridiculous."

"You think that's ridiculous," replied Divo, "look at what I just found!"

She was holding a tiny creature that looked very much like a human child.

"What's a kid doing down here?" she wondered aloud. "And what a cute mask!"

As Meleezon watched, the little creature lifted up his mask and prepared to bite off Divo's hand.

"Divo, drop it!"

Divo suddenly realized what was happening, and threw the midget towards Meleezon. Perfectly timed, Meleezon kicked it in mid air.

"IIIIYYYAAaaarrggg….." screamed the Rat Man as it flew down the hallway into the darkness.

"Well done Divo. I spose if Diablo was 2 feet tall and cute looking you'd pick him up too?"

"Yes... I mean no!… I mean, maybe, if … what was the question again?"

---Fast Forward – Level 4---

"We're here. Finally. Hmm… Andariel really knows how to decorate, doesn't she?"

They were standing in a large room outside Andariels lair. Meleezon was admiring the use of human bones to make various household items.

"Check out that chair! I never knew a human rib cage could be so stylish! And that swimming pool; who would have thought a spine could make such an appropriate diving board. Water could do with a clean though," she said, wrinkling her nose and staring into the pools bubbling, red depths.

Divo finished off the rest of the zombies wandering around the room and returned to Meleezons side. Together they stood in front of the massive wooden door at the front of the room; the only thing between them and a very large Lord of Hell.

"I… don't really think I wanna do this. I mean I know I'm going to die."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Andariel hates fire right?"

"She does?"

"Well, yeah. Common knowledge. Anyway, she hates fire and that... isn't exactly my area of study."

"… You know, I gave up a fire bow Rogue for you."

"Really? How sweet."

"Yeah. Now I'm wishing I hadn't."

"B-tch."

"Ho."

"MAGGOT!" screamed a voice from behind the door. A second later, it burst from its hinges. Andariel filled the archway in all her tentacled glory. "You ladies have over stayed your welcome," she growled.

"Holy crap!" screamed Divo.

"Tell me about it; she's wearing a G-String! How can you stand being in that thing all day? Or rather, all eternity?"

"It's not as hard as you might think," came the snarled reply. "Application of certain creams twice daily… minimize walking and you minimize chafing really."

"And your nippel rings! I've thought of having one done, but both? Didn't that hurt?"

"You better believe it. Plus professional piercing in Hell isn't cheap. These cost me a couple hundred gold each."

"No kidding... what do you reckon Divo, you be up for that one day?... Divo?"

Divo hadn't moved since her initial shock at seeing the Maiden of Anguish burst through the door.

"Divo, hey snap out," Meleezon said, giving her a playful nudge.

-Thunk-

Divo fell on her side, still in shocked staring position.

-Divo has died-

"…. Well. That doesn't happen to mercenaries often," said Andariel curiously. "The last person I gave heart failure was my date when he saw my other piercing."

"Hmm... yeah so it's just you and me then… whoare."

"Skank."

"Succubus."

"DIE MAGGOT!"

---Fast Forward---

"AAARGHHHHHH! AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF IT WASN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDSSSS…!"

Andariel's dieing words echoed in the chamber, as the last of the hell fires consuming her body flickered and went out. Meleezon strode over and picked up some large rings and a scorched thong.

"Hmm… Gheed will probably pay through the nose for these," she chuckled, pocketing them. "Let's see what else Andariel was hiding away."

After a thorough search of her remains, Meleezon admired her new hoard of six gems, a bow and a terrific purple Spiked Shield.

"Excellent!" she cheered, "Just what I needed." She threw away her small shield and replaced it with the spiked one. "Purple too, it so goes with my red."

She put the bow and gems in her backpack, then stopped,

"Where exactly did Andariel manage to hide a spiked shield?" she wondered.

Oh well, some things weren't meant to be answered. It was time to go back to town and receive her hero's rewards.

---Fast Forward – Back at Camp---

"… and then, Andariel burst through the doorway. Divo literally died of fright; I've never seen anything like it!"

The whole camp was gathered around the bonfire, listening to Meleezon's tale. So far, Divo's freak out had been the butt of all their jokes. The newly resurrected Rogue sat on a log beside Meleezon, fuming.

"But seriously folks, I couldn't have done it with out her. Andariel was laughing so hard it gave me time to do what was needed." The camp laughed again; Cain pretended to have a heart attack and fell off his log.

"Hahahaha… I hope he was just joking," Meleezon said, looking over at Kashya.

"Oh yeah, he's always pulling that prank on me when we're standing around in camp… although this time he is does seem to be holding his breath longer then usual… Akara, maybe you should-"

"Yes, yes, on my way," the healer replied, rolling up her sleeves and preparing for CPR.

Divo suddenly stood up.

"So, Meleezon. Since Andariel's dead now and the trade routes are open, will you be going to Lut Gholein with Warriv?"

Meleezon thought for a second.

"Yeah... I spose I will. I hear they've got great beer there."

"Good," said Divo, "'cause I'm coming with you."

"What?" said the camp in unison.

"You heard me. Thanks to that little event in the catacombs, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole Citadel if I stick around here."

Meleezon nodded in agreement.

"Yes, no doubt you will. Ok, you can come. Gheed?" she said, looking over towards the merchant.

He was sitting by himself, admiring his new thong and wondering if there was a slim chance it'd fit him. He quickly put it behind his back and responded to Meleezons call.

"Hm? What?"

"Do you have anything better that Divo could use? She's going to need tougher armour for Lut Gholein."

"Oh sure, sure. Here, take this; it's very rare leather, should fit perfectly."

"How much?"

"Oh for you? The saviour of our camp? Why, not much at all! I'd say... hmm... five or six thousand gold?"

Meleezon fished around in her purse and pulled out Quets gold.

"See Divo, I told you it'd be useful. Now put on your new armour and go pack your stuff. Warriv says we'll be leaving soon."

Divo grudgedly accepted the gift, mumbled something about how it was unflattering to her figure, and went off to her tent.

---Fast Forward---

"Ok, I'm ready to go. Hey Meleezon… have you seen what Gheed has done with those rings you sold him?"

"No, what?"

"'Nose Rings' are back in fashion, apparently. Did you even tell him what they were previously used for?"

"No… not yet," Meleezon said, spotting the merchant strutting around the camp, "But it will sure be funny when I do. Plus, I sold him three rings, and that one in his nose isn't from Andariel's upper body."

"… You are so evil."

Next Blog: Sand + Groin Armour Bad