Blog 9 – Microsoft Works: Worlds Best Oxymoron

"Hi! I'm Jerhyn. I rule this place. That's right, I own it. Me, all mine. You guys look tired. There's a pub at the other end of town, you could probably get some food and drink there. The inn's on the other side, run by an ex-bandit. Don't worry, he guarantee's good prices or your wallet back. You ladies into having a good time? There's a Harem in the middle of town. Top class stuff, no minga's in my town, no no.

You got quite the bod, come to think of it. How would you like to join up? Pole dancing, bit of exotic show; all in good taste of course. You could make a fair bit of dough. Gotta split some with me of course; I prefer to think of it as 'tax collection' rather then pimping. Actually come to think of it you can't join at the moment. We've been having problems so I've invited all the Harem girls over to my palace for a slumber party. Hey, a sleep-over isn't a sleep-over unless it goes for a few months, know what I mean? Anyhow if you got any problems just let me know. I'll make sure you ladies are well looked after -wink-."

Meleezon and Divo stared in silence.

"Um… could your repeat everything after 'Hi! I'm Jerhyn'?"

---Fast Forward---

"Man, that guy was a total dweeb."

"Yeah. The bigger the Palace, the smaller the-"

"Hey! The Pub! I'll race you."

Meleezon and Divo entered the bar and sat down on some chairs at the counter.

"Ser-vice, ser-vice, ser-vice!" Meleezon chanted while pounding her hands on the bar top. A middle age women, eyes red with tears, came out from a back room.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Beer. Two please."

The bar-woman sniffled while pouring out two jugs, then put them in front of her customers. Meleezon put some coins on the counter and picked up the beer.

"Yeah, that's the good stuff," she said with satisfaction. "So Divo, aren't you going to miss the Rogue Citadel? They were all your friends, right? Almost family, I spose."

"Yeah," agreed Divo, "I'll miss them. They were like family. I love having family. How bout you?"

"I wouldn't know; we Amazons aren't very close. We're very competitive. Who has the longest hair, biggest bow… and bra size, naturally."

"Ah I see. Well, I loved my sisters. I loved my family. One day I'll have some kids, a husband-"

At that point the bar woman burst into tears. She began wailing like a cat caught in a clothes wringer.

"Excuse me," said Meleezon politely, "but me and my friend here are trying to have a discussion on how nice it is to have family. Could you perhaps keep it down juusstt a teensy weensy bit?"

"I'm sorry," sniffed the bar lady, "but I just lost my husband and son to a creature that lives in the sewers below us. I've been devastated for days."

"How awful," said Meleezon. "Now you'll have to take the garbage out on your own!"

"Yes I know," replied the bar woman. "My name's Atma. I've been looking to hire someone to kill that monster. Would you girls be interested? I'll give a decent reward."

Meleezon and Divo looked at each other.

"Ahh... no offense, but I really don't think wading around in your sewers could really be covered by any reward."

"Free beer. All you can drink while you're here in Lut Ghol-"

"Divo, get your snorkel. We're going for a swim."

---Fast Forward – Sewers Level 1---

"Phwoar… Divo did you do that?"

"That joke really gets old after the seventh time."

Meleezon and her Rogue companion had been scouting around in the sewers of Lut Gholein for almost an hour.

"How many levels did Atma say this place was?"

"Three. And the monster is on the bottom one. Of course."

"Goddam it," mumbled Meleezon.

"Look out. Skeletons incoming."

Meleezon and Divo smashed their way through the walking dead. When all lay in the dust, Meleezon spotted something.

"Hey… those gloves the skeleton's wearing… they're…" she began to make strange noises and salivate.

"Umm... are you alright there?" asked Divo with raised eyebrows.

"Divo... it's… it's Bloodfist! The most beautifully unique gloves you could wish for." She pulled the gloves off the bony fingers and began to caress them to her cheek. "Oh sweet, sweet gloves. How I love thee."

"Oh, get a room!"

---Fast Forward – Sewers Level 2---

"Who would have thought so many people could die in sewers!" yelled Divo over the clatter of smashing bones.

"Yeah. I think people have been flushing more then goldfish in this town."

Meleezon turned to see another hoard of undead striding towards her with grim determination.

'No problem,' she thought. 'I'll smash 'em into-'

-DING-

"…What the hell?"

Meleezon was cast into blackness. She couldn't see, couldn't feel, couldn't smell. Her world had vanished. Far off in the distance she could hear a disembodied voice:

'$hit…. $HIT! What the hell, what the hell? Oh god, please oh please….'

-DING-

A giant, white box with writing in it suddenly appeared in front of Meleezon in the blackness:

"We would like to warn you that MSN Messenger will be closing down for routine maintenance in the next 15 minutes. Please finish all conversations now. We apologise for any inconvenience – The Microsoft .Net Framework" it stated.

'F-&! As if I care about THAT!' yelled the disembodied voice, 'Open window, NOW!'

-DING-

Suddenly Meleezon was back in the sewers. Divo was in front of her, finishing off the last of the skeleton hoard.

"Ugh... what happened," she asked, shaking her head in a daze.

"Oh, thank god you're back!" cried Divo. "You just seemed to… freeze. I couldn't get you to move or talk at all. It was like you'd gone somewhere else. Luckily I was able to hold the undead off by myself."

Meleezon shook her head, trying to figure out how she felt.

"Thanks Divo. I owe you one. I think… we'll go back to town. I don't feel so well. We'll come back and get the creature this afternoon."

Next Blog: The hip bone's connected to the… thigh bone. The thigh bones connected to the… wrist bon-wait what?