Blog 10 – Halitosis Kills, and So Do I

Meleezon entered the pub and yawned loudly. Divo was at the bar, involved in a deep conversation with Atma.

"Ah, so you're awake. Have a nice rest?"

"Yeah. Feel much better now."

"Oh good. Atma and I were just talking about this strange out-of-body experience you had. It's very interesting."

"Yeah I know. I've been thinking about that myself." Meleezon pulled up a stool and sat down. "Like, I was thinking how strange life is, you know? Are we really in control of it? Is there really such thing as choice? Sometimes, for no particular reason, I feel the sudden urge to take my shirt off in public, like some greater force is exerting it's will over mine. Do you think maybe, somewhere, there's something greater then the Gods? Something watching our every move, controlling us like pawns in a chess game?"

Divo stared blankly.

"No. I don't think so."

"Oh... yeah you're probably right. C'mon, let's go kill this creature of the sewers."

---Fast Forward – Sewers Level 3---

"Pwhoar…. Divo did you-"

"Say it one more time and I'll shoot this arrow through your kneecap"

---Fast Forward---

"I think we're getting close to where the creature is," said Meleezon warily.

"Oh? What makes you say that?"

"Well, call me weird, but I don't think normal people can swap and change their body parts."

All around them and leading up the corridor ahead were various limbs and human pieces, many labeled "too fat", "too skinny" or "doesn't match outfit".

"Picky, isn't he?" Divo mused.

Sure enough, at the end of the hallway, Meleezon and Divo found the lair of Atma's creature. He had made a nice little nest of bones, and was at that moment hunched over a dissection table, pulling something to pieces while muttering to himself.

"Blasted humans. So many squishy parts; I mean look at this! Honestly, who needs that?" he threw something over his shoulder, which landed at Divos feet. She looked down at the still quivering liver and swallowed to avoid gagging.

"Hey, we NEED the liver, ok?" Meleezon snorted. "I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning long ago otherwise."

The creature whirled around, and Divo and Meleezon got an eyeful of his glorious form.

"Oh... god… oh dude, not cool... totally not cool... please, do us a favour and turn back around?" Meleezon said, shielding her eyes.

"What?" said the creature indignantly. "You're seeing someone who will soon be perfection. I should be charging you just to look at me."

"Maybe. If you were in a traveling freak show."

"Bah. Pathetic human. I am Radament! One of the mighty Reborn! You can't stop me."

"Dude, I can't even look at you, let alone stop you at the moment."

"Hmph. Soon I will be rebuilt, and better then any human ever was."

"For some reason I don't remember humans having eyes on their chin. And what the hell is that behind you?"

"Ah... that's… my tail."

"Your tail? What vital significance does that hold?"

"I can wag it... when I'm happy… and chicks dig it… look, I don't have to explain myself to you! I – am – Radament! I will rule this sewer!"

"Congratulations, what a fine establishment."

"You're just jealous."

"You saw right through me."

"Enough idle chit chat!" boomed Radament, "It is time I killed you and took your body parts for my…" he paused, staring in fascination at Meleezon.

"What are those?" he said, pointing to her chest.

"These? They're… er… they're mine. So keep your hands off."

Radament looked at her, then looked at his own chest, then back at her.

"I could do with a pair like that" he said thoughtfully.

"That's it! You are so going down!"

Meleezon rushed towards Radament, axe raised and ready. With one swift backhand he swatted her to the side. Meleezon flew to the far wall and landed with a thud.

"Ow... damn he's strong. Divo, be careful."

Divo was firing wildly into Radament chest, but having little effect. The great mummy spread out his arms to block her escape, then began to push her into a corner.

"Ah… Meleezon... bit of help here?" she cried, being pushed further and further back while still firing madly.

"I'm coming, just a second! He broke my belt and I'll be damned if I'm fighting him with my skirt around my ankles."

Divo was backed up as far as she could go, and Radament was now so close she was unable fire her bow. She looked up at his towering form and gulped.

Radament glared down at her for a few seconds, inhaled deeply, then breathed in her a face.

A cloud of green pungent gas filled the air and enveloped Divo completely. She burst into a coughing fit, and as it cleared, Meleezon could see her skin now had a sick greenish tone to it.

"Oh… my… god… I don't think he's EVER brushed his teeth… I can't breathe... head; getting dizzy… feeling... light…" her face suddenly took on a strange expression, and she began to speak in a sing song voice.

"Wheee… this stuff is great! I so have to get the recipe!" she skipped past Radament and began to run around the room, "Weee hee hee, I can fly!" She then fell on her ass and began to laugh hysterically. "Whoops, Divo fall down" she said through giggles.

Meleezon watched the pathetic display and shook her head.

"You're cruel, Radament,"

"Bring it on, biatch," he replied.

---Fast Forward---

"So… close… too… perfection…" Radament gasped. He looked up at Meleezon, standing over him.

"… and… boobies," he added. With a final sigh he collapsed onto the ground and dissolved into dust.

"Well, I think Atma's been avenged. Free beer here I come!" said Meleezon cheerfully. A sudden giggle reminded her of a certain stoned companion.

"Hey Divo, you alright?"

"Yeah yeah! Fine, cool, hickory doo, couldn't be better, what about you?"

"Umm… yeah. I'm good too. C'mon let's go back to town and-"

-Divo has died-

"Oh, for Athulua's sake…"

---Fast Forward – Back in Town, One Resurrection Later---

"Radament is dead, Atma. Lay a cold one on me."

Atma smiled for the first time since they'd arrived and quickly poured Meleezon a drink.

"Did you have any troubles dispatching him?"

"Naaaah. Not really. Although Divo did experience some hallucinogenic bodily gases."

"It all felt so real, dammit!" interjected Divo.

"Well that's great to hear," said Atma. "Hopefully nothing will go wrong for -"

The room suddenly went very, very dark.

"Eeerr… what just happened?"

"The sun! The sun! Somebody's stolen the sun!" a townspersons voice screamed through the pub window. "It's a signal, it is the end of days! Woe unto us! The Gods are angered, we shall be smited! Repent! REPENT!"

Static suddenly filled Meleezons ears.

"Errr… sorry everyone, that was me. My bad. Don't worry, I'll have the sun back up and running soon. I hope."

Meleezon pressed her ear.

"This is Meleezon to 'Stealer of the Sun'. What's the situation?"

"Meleezon ay? Been awhile since I've heard from another Amazon. The names Masti X, and I didn't actually steal the sun. We've been having some problems with the Claw Vipers lately; they've been trying to claim the Lost City for themselves. Recently they sent out a message saying that if any hero dared step one foot into it, they'd take the sun from us forever. I didn't really believe them so I… ah… I kinda just went ahead and pillaged the Lost City anyway."

"Niiicceee," replied Meleezon. "So how you gonna get it back?"

"Gotta go to their temple I guess. Smash up their black magic alters and kill their leader, Fangskin."

"Yeah, good luck with that. Don't take too long," finished Meleezon, closing the channel.

There was a silence for awhile, then another message came in.

"… I could do with some help you know."

"Hey, it's not really my concern. I haven't even stepped foot outside onto the sand yet, I doubt I'm ready to go snake skinning."

"Well unless you want to be searching the dunes in the dark for the rest of your stay, it might be wise to help me."

"You'll do fine, I'm sure."

"Yeah, you're right. You're a melee-zon anyway, probably die first snake we met."

"Cast a town portal, I'll be there in two minutes."

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