Blog 11 - Snakes and Splatters

"So this is the Lost City ay?"

"Yeah. It looks pretty boring now 'cause it's dark, but in daylight you can really see how boring it is."

"Ah. So why's it called "the Lost City" when you and the townspeople all seem to know about it?"

"Oh, well you see, the city is actually a mobile thing. It picks itself up and wanders about at will, looking for the hole in the ground it originally came from."

"… You have no idea do you?"

"No. Not really."

Meleezon, Divo and Masti X left the Lost City behind and entered the Valley of the Snakes. Promptly, they reached the middle of the Valley of the Snakes… which took all of 3 or 4 steps since the Valley of the Snakes is about as big as your brothers bedroom – you know, the one you always wanted but your parents wouldn't let you have until your sibling grew old enough to move out of home and go to university (or the nearest supermarket).

A great temple entrance with scary looking snake statues stuck out of the sand in front of them.

"What? No welcome mat?" scoffed Meleezon. "Anyone would think they didn't like visitors."

"You're a sarcastic b-tch, aren't you," stated Masti X.

"Yeah, and you're ugly. At least I can stop being sarcastic if I want too."

---Fast Forward---

"My nose! My freakin' nose! Oh god, It's bleeding everywhere! Divo, punch her for me! Defend your master!"

---Fast Forward – Two Bloody Noses Later---

"So, are we ready to enter the temple yet?"

"Yeah. I think we've stopped the bleeding… "

Meleezon and co. descended into the Viper Temple's murky depths. They had barely made it four feet inside, when a loud hiss offended their ears.

"Are you the mousssse delivery people?" asked a Viper, coming out of the shadows. Masti raised her bow and prepared to fire, but Meleezon quickly pushed her hand down.

"Um… yes! Yes we are. We got a whole box of juicy, succulent mice, just ready for you to devour." She paused and licked her lips. "Mmmmm… you should see them. Plump, furry, practically begging to be swallowed whole."

The Viper began to salivate and got a sudden far off look in his eyes.

"Mmmm… moussessss… you come see Fangskin quickly ssso he can sssign for them."

Meleezon winked at the surprised Masti and made the gesture to "shut up and trust me". The Viper slithered off down the corridor, and the women followed close behind.

---Fast Forward – Level 2---

"Masssster Fangskin. The moussse delivery is here. You pleasssee sssign so we can ssstart eating plump, sssucculent moussssess?

Meleezon, Divo and Masti had followed the serpent down to the second level, where they now observed the strange ritual that had been used to steal the sun.

Fangskin, the leader, was a large purple snake ("Hehe… he's ssssexually confused," snickered Meleezon on arrival) who was circling an altar in the middle of the room. About twenty other vipers surrounded him, all bowing and mumbled replies as he chanted an odd curse:

"Oh Gods of the Slippery, grant unto us; take the sun from the humans and cause a big fuss.

("Make them slip on the street and land in dog poo," replied the other serpents)

"Oh Gods of the Scaly, hear our cry to your lairs; make it all dark, so they fall over chairs."

("May they stub their toes and howl in pain.")

"Oh Gods of the Slither, we bow to your glory; may this rhyming end soon and we continue the story"

("We can't rhyme as well as the Master. We're just back-ups")

"Oh Gods of the Fanged, please hear our hiss; please tell me why it does hurt when I p-"

"Master Fangskin!" shouted the sentry Viper over the sound of the chanting, "I'm very ssorry to interrupt you curssse… but can you pleasse sssign for the mousses? We're all very hungry."

Fangskin stopped his chanting and slithered over from the altar.

"Oh! Mousses! Please, give me the sssheet. I sssign for them now."

Meleezon crossed her arms and looked grim.

"Sorry, it was a trick. We just needed a way to get down here and kill you so we can have our sun back."

Fangskin looked sideways, not quite understanding what Meleezon meant.

"So… no mousses then?"

"No… no 'mouses'. We're going to have to kill you now, so how about being a good snake and just –"

"Are you sure? No mousssess? Perhaps you're just hiding them? Perhaps you want more goldsss? I have more goldsss if you-"

"LOOK! For the last time we have NO MOUSES!"

The room suddenly went deathly quiet, as all the vipers stopped chanting. One poked its head up and looked inquisitively in Meleezons direction.

"Mouse?" it said.

The serpent beside him also sat up:

"Mouse?"

"Mouse! MOUSE! Mine!"

Suddenly the room was alive with cries of "mouse" and "mine!" as every viper scrambled to be the first to stuff his gob with the succulent invisible rodents. Masti raised her bow and began firing wildly into them;

"Great job Ms. I'm-so-clever-I-can-avoid-fighting. Now we have to face them all at once!"

But to her surprise she realized the snakes weren't after them, they were attacking each other. The dreaded thought of there not being enough mice to go around was driving them to 'eliminate the competition'.

"Well I'll be a Yeti's uncle…" said Divo when all that remained of the snake hoard was a pile of empty skins and a lot of blood. Only Fangskin and the sentry were left. The great purple snake gave a menacing hiss;

"You ruin my ritual! Not only that, you not bring mousssess! Prepare to feel the twin fanged bite of –"

"Wait, there's one behind you!"

"Mouse? Where?"

-Chop-

"Master Fangskin! Noooooooo-"

-Flit-

"Good shot, Masti" admired Meleezon, as the sentry fell to the ground with an arrow placed perfectly between his eyes. "Now we just have to get the sun back."

Meleezon walked up to the altar and began to examine it.

"Should we break it or something?" Divo asked.

"I don't know. I don't think we can," Meleezon replied, resting her hand on the altars top. "I mean, look at the size of this thing, it'd take –"

-KAFLOOM!-

Meleezon disappeared in a cloud of dust as the altar disintegrated under her weight. Coughing, she emerged and began to clean herself off.

"Well… guess they don't make evil alters like they used to," she mused.

"Hey check this out!" Masti bent down and picked up an amulet from the altars remains. "Wonder what this does?"

"Weird looking amulet… looks like a big snake tooth."

"Yeah it does… look the root is still attached and everyth-EWW!" she screamed, throwing her prize over to Meleezon. "That's foul! You take it; I can't wear that around my neck!"

Meleezon turned it over in her hands.

"Well, I don't have any real use for it, but I'll keep it anyway." She placed it in her backpack. "So did it work? Is the sun back?"

"I don't know. We're underground."

"Hey Divo, go stand under that hole in the roof and see if you can see anything."

Divo obeyed.

"Nope… looks like the suns still hidden… wait… wait… I think I see movement and some light... I think it might AARGHHH OH GOD! I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!"

She stumbled out of the beam of light and began to wave her hands around in front of her. Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"Great, a blind companion. Just what I need. Let's go back to town; maybe Fara can help you out"

---Fast Forward – Back in Town---

"Hmmmm… severe case of irritation… dilation… oh fungus, not good either" mumbled Fara as she examined Divo.

"Eerr… that's nice Doc, but could you perhaps get your head out from under her skirt and check her eyes?"

"Oh… why, yes… sorry." Fara said. "Right. So Divo, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"11"

"Hmm… yes ok. Can you follow my finger with your eyes?"

She waved her finger back and forth past Divo's eyes, and Divo followed… perfectly out of synch.

"Hmm… yes, I see... er, no joke intended. I wouldn't worry about your friend here," said Fara, turning to Meleezon. "Her sight should improve in two to three days."

"What? Oh great. What use will she be to me now? What is she allowed to do?"

"Eat, sleep and rest."

"What can't she do?"

"Definitely, definitely do not let her near any type of projectile weaponry"

"F-!"

---Fast Forward – 1 Day Later--

"Ok Divo, I understand this is your first time using melee weaponry, but how could you have already lost that mace I gave you?"

"I haven't lost it; I'm using it right now!"

"… That's a dead cat"

"Oh… I wondered why my mace meowed when I picked it up."

"You mean it was alive when you found it? What happened?"

"Well… someone snuck up behind me and I thought they were going to rob me. So I turned around and began to beat him. Turns out it was Warriv though, playing that "put your hands over someone's eyes and say 'Guess who?'" gag."

"I see. Is he ok?"

"No, he died."

"What? You killed him with a cat?"

"Well, I thought it was my mace that killed him, but now I know it was a cat, I understand Fara's comment of 'Warriv always said his allergies would be the death of him'."

"Ah. I'm glad I don't have hay fever. Well here's another mace. Let's go find Masti and see if she wants to go questing again."

"…… Meleezon wait! My foots stuck in something wet and sticky… did Atma leave her mop bucket out again?"

"Divo, you're in the toilet."

---Fast Forward---

"Hey, girls. How you doing Divo?" asked Masti X, watching Meleezon lead the Rogue by the hand.

"Oh, I've been better. And I have a new goal in life: kill all those who forget to flush!"

"Ummm… ok… would that have anything to do with that horrific smell coming from your sho-"

"Don't ask," interrupted Meleezon. "Anyway, we're going to go and look for a new quest, would you like to join us?"

"No can do. Jerhyn has requested to speak with me. Apparently saving the sun was enough to get me invited into his Harem. I'm to go over and join his month long slumber party right now!"

"Hey… we saved the sun too! How come we weren't acknowledged?"

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with the size of you ass."

"What?"

"I said: I'm sure Jerhyn has just been on the grass. He probably forgot to invite you. Let's go together."

"Alright! Sleep over at the Palace wwoooooo!"

Next Blog: Don't forget to bring your favorite teddy bear Pajamas!