Blog 15 – Tomb Raiders: Wonderbra Not Included

Whining loudly about how heroes "don't get no respect" these days, the threesome (don't get any ideas… it's a fun word though heh) started their push into the desert.

"So, what's this place called?"

"The Rocky Waste."

"How exciting. I can feel the thrill of adventure rising in my stomach… or maybe that's indigestion from Atma's Scarab Cakes. Please say there's something more interesting out here then sand, some fallen statues and large flocks of angry undead vultures."

"Hmmm… well I haven't explored it myself cause the creature always blocked my path. But I hear there's a tomb nearby. Maybe we should go grave robbing?"

"Ohh... hear that Divo? Our specialty!"

---Fast Forward---

The tombs entrance jutted out from the sand; dark and foreboding, like a hungry mouth waiting to devour you whole and spit out the bones and other unsavoury organs like your lower intestines where the most bacteria tends to dwell.

A sign hanging in the doorway read:

"Home of Creeping Feature. Currently Hiring – If you're a willing undead who's looking for decent wages and has the ability to kiss ass really well, please come in and apply for work as one of my many tomb keepers. If you're living, don't let that deter you. We'll soon fix that little problem."

Static looked at Meleezon and shrugged.

"Well, sounds like he's pretty well off… for an undead eternally living corpse anyway. Might be worth raiding after all."

"Agreed. Maybe we'll bump into old Creepy himself. I'm sure he'd love a chat with Bladebone here." Meleezon spun the axe in her hand, misjudged her catch and cringed as it landed a millimeter from slicing her toes off.

"Maybe you should hold onto tha-"

"Maybe you should shut the hell up."

---Fast Forward – Stony Tomb Level 1---

"It's so dark in here… I feel like I'm blind again!"

"Don't worry, I can fix that."

Static shook her orb abit and tapped the glass. A light within flickered for a second, then grew gradually brighter, illuminating the hall.

"Nifty."

Meleezon walked ahead, peering into sarcophaguses as she passed and listening for the rustle of undead feet.

"Creeping Feature really needs to hire a cleaner. Look at this dust!" Divo said, wiping her finger across a surface and making a trench mark. For fun she traced the words 'Wash Me', before running to catch up with her companions.

"It doesn't look like anyone's home. Maybe Creeping died… er… passed on to… wherever the undead go when they… aren't unliving anymore."

They were just entering a largish chamber, the stairs down in plain view, when suddenly all the torches in the room burst aflame at once. The women backed into defensive positions as a skeleton dressed in a full tuxedo came up the stairs.

"Oh! I say, visitors! This is a surprise, ay-what!" His accent was ridiculous and unfamiliar to the women. "Are you ladies here to apply for work, business or other?"

Meleezon thought for a second.

"Ummm… I'd have to go with 'other'."

The skeleton nodded understandingly.

"I see. Please follow me; the master is waiting."

---Fast Forward – Stony Tomb Level 2---

The companions had followed the oddly dressed, strange talking skeleton downstairs, and now stood in a very large room. At one end, sitting in a huge luxurious chair while reading "Antiquities Monthly", was Creeping Feature. A roaring fire was close by, as well as a number of minor undead who were busy making sandwiches and straightening picture frames. The usual servant stuff.

Creeping Feature looked up as they entered and peered at them curiously from behind his magazine.

"I say… who've you brought down today, Smithers, old chap?"

"Three ladies to see you for 'other', sir."

Creeping Feature lay down his magazine and smiled… as well as a decaying corpse with rampant tooth decay can.

"Wonderful! What a spot of good luck! It's not often we can get even one lady down here, so three is a beyond perfect!" He pushed himself out of the chair and hobbled towards them. "Let's have a look at you then."

Not wishing to start a battle just yet, Meleezon and Divo remained still when he strolled past. Static tried to hide behind the larger Amazon.

"Come come now, don't be shy!" Creeping Feature motioned for Static to move out where he could see her. She did so, slightly embarrassed.

"Aaahh. Yes, you will do nicely. All three of you will."

"Eerr… what do you mean 'do nicely'?"

"Why, you'll make perfect masseuses of course! Look at those muscles! You'll really be able to give the old flesh a good rubbing. I have a few nasty boils at the moment that could do with a hard squeezing too."

Divo made a gagging motion, and Static looked as if she was going to faint. Meleezon thought it was time to introduce him to a friend.

"Sorry Creeping, old chap, but we're not here to massage anyone. We're here to rob you of your riches. You know; plunder, pillage and all that. I'm not too keen on it myself, but my axe here, Bladebone, he's rreaallyy enjoys that stuff, you know? Just can't get enough. And he's not the kind of object I like to disappoint."

Creeping Feature seemed unafraid.

"Oh, so it's that kind of 'other', is it? Well, I'd like to more thoroughly introduce you to Smithers here. Back in his time he was a top class Martial Artist, you know."

He motioned to the tuxedoed skeleton, who bowed politely, drew himself into an attack pose and proceeded to make strange 'ah ha! Oh haw' noises, while chopping imaginary people in the neck.

Meleezon was impressed.

"Nice. But that won't stop me from making your head closely acquainted with the floor, Creepy."

The old corpse crossed his arms and huffed;

"Women" he said, "Now I remember why I never let my wife out of the kitchen."

---Fast Forward – 2 Highly Violent and Rage Induced Minutes Later---

As the dust settled, Meleezon regained her composure and flicked some hair from her eyes. Static was merely staring.

"Wow… I wish I could get angry like that. I do think you went abit over board though. I mean, was it absolutely necessary to rip off his arm and bludgeon him with it? And I never actually knew it was possible to force feed someone their own kidneys."

Meleezon smiled.

"Well, let's just say I'm touchy about certain topics. You did nicely with Smithers there too."

"Yeah. Who would have guessed that all the material arts training in the world wouldn't help against a bolt of pure lightning?"

"Go figure ay."

They were suddenly realized they were surrounded by undead.

"Eeerr… sorry about killing your boss guys. No hard feelings right?"

"Absolutely none," a thin zombie replied. "He was an ass. Do you know he even made me collect his toe jam? And I think we've all had our fill of 'bath night'." The undead shared a shudder, and the thin zombie pulled some keys from a skin pocket.

"Here. That'll open Mr. Features stash over there. Take all you want, we're off to form a union."

The women watched as the walking dead shuffled up the stairs and left.

"Well, let's raid this place and head back to town. I could really go for some of Atma's 'Saber Cat Surprise' right now."

---Fast Forward – Back in the Town Center---

"4301, 4302, 4303… there, that's the lot. I'm really not sure how you're going to carry that much gold around, but it's no concern of mine."

Meleezon had just finished pawning off the findings of the Stony Tomb to Fara, and was busy dragging her wealth to the stash when a figure entered the town square.

"Oh god… -huff puff huff-... water! I need… water!"

Meleezon turned in surprise to see Cain, breathing heavily and looking as if he'd aged another 50 years ("He must be, like, 300 now?" Divo wondered later on).

"Cain! What're you doing? How did you get here? You didn't come with our caravan."

The old man leant against a wall and tried to regain his breathe.

"I know… was going to come… on the next caravan… but apparently… Warriv…died."

Divo choked on the Saber Cat Surprise soup she was eating and broke into a coughing fit. Cain looked at her suspiciously.

"What? What? Don't look at me! Technically it was the cat that killed him anyway!"

Meleezon filled a mug of water from the well and brought it over to the panting man.

"Here. Now tell me, why did you leave the Rogue Monastery? I mean, lots of ladies in skimpy outfits for you to leer at, all the prunes and roasted cabbage you could eat… it seemed like old man paradise!"

Cain drained the mug and wiped his mouth.

"I know. It was. But my Horadrim instincts kicked in and I knew you'd need my help. When the message came saying Warriv had died under strange circumstances and no one else was coming back, I decided I should start walking straight away."

"You walked here?"

"Of course. Is that a surprise? You youngsters don't know the meaning of physical exertion these days. Why, back in my time we used to walk everywhere! It was 15 miles to the nearest store, and 12 to the nearest toilet. If you woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't hold it, that was damn well too bad; you stuff a cork in it, pack your bag and start walking-"

"Yes yes, alright. What was this help you were so eager to give me?"

Cain raised a finger and opened his mouth.

"It… hmmm… it was important… something to do with… … leprechauns? No, that's not it. Well I'll be blowed; I've forgotten!" he said, shaking his head. "Oh well, never mind. I wrote it all down in my diary."

He put his hand in his robe and began to rummage around.

"Hmm… hmmmmmm… I guess I forgot that too. Must be back at the Rogue Camp. Never fear, I'll just pack some food and water and head back there. I'll return in a day or two no prob-"

"Um, how about we just let you rest abit? Maybe you're memory will return?"

Cain thought for awhile.

"Yes, that sounds like a better plan. I think I'll have a nap right now."

"Ok, I'll take you to the Inn."

"Inn? Beds? Bah, who needs those new fandangle things? Why, back in my day, we slept on rocks and anything softer then gravel was luxury. We learned to sleep anytime, anywhere with minimal-"

His head suddenly drooped forward and he toppled face first onto the cobblestones. Loud snores told Meleezon he wouldn't be waking for at least 8 blissful hours.

"C'mon Divo, we'll come back later on when Mr. Geriatric is 'rested and revitalized'.

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