"Eureka!"
The cry echoed through the streets of Lut Gholein. Meleezon stopped her chat with Fara at the bar and looked in surprise at the doorway. Seconds later, a very excited – and very naked – Cain burst in.
"Eureka, I remembered! It's been 3 days, but I've remembered!"
Meleezon shared a cringe with all the pubs customers, and quickly grabbed a towel from behind the bar to cover Cains shame.
"Cain what are you doing?" she said, tying it around his waist. "You'll get sunburned in places that should never be sunburned! Even if that does mean you'll have an even tan."
Cain was too excited to pay attention.
"I remembered, I remembered!"
"Ok ok! Tell me then."
"See, I was just taking a bath in the well when it all came bac-"
"Wait what? You were taking a bath in the well? Our well? The well the whole town drinks out of?"
"Yes, that well. Where else am I going to wash? Anyway stop interrupting or I'll forget again. I was having a bath, and it suddenly came back to me that this was Lut Gholein! As in the Lut Gholein. Me and my Horadrim buddies fought and caught Baal just outside these walls…"
"Atma, did you use today's water to make our drinks?"
Atma, behind the bar, was already beginning to back out her escape door. The bar customers exchanged glances at each other, then at their drinks, then at Cain. Three seconds later, all that could be heard was the thunderous footfalls of people stampeding for the nearest windows and toilets.
"…and we buried him under the sand." Cain continued. "Then, just to be sure he'd never, ever get loose, we made one of our staves the key to the tomb, broke it into two pieces, and drew straws. The two Horadrim members who got the straws were given the honourable task of a holding a piece each, being blinded folded, spun around three times and sent off into the desert. Were not really sure where they ended up, but at least the staff pieces would be far apart from each other."
Meleezon was still in a state of shock, trying to push the mental image of little naked Cains swimming in her beer out of her mind. She shook her head and tried to remain calm.
"Ok… alright. So if we wanna get to Baal, we'll have to get those two pieces of staff – which could be absolutely anywhere in the entire desert – so we can open the lock. Am I following?"
"Yes yes, that's right! But it won't be that easy. You see, us Horadrim used 'the super infallible method of separation' to break the staff in two. Which basically means we hit it really hard with a very big hammer. It'll take a lot more then sticky tape and staples to put it back together."
"Aaawww! I like sticky tape and staples," whined Divo as she entered through the tavern door. "Why can't we use them? Why? Why? …. What're we talking about?"
Meleezon ignored her.
"Ok... so what do we need?"
Static Zapour also suddenly appeared at the door.
"Hi guys, just came to see if you's…" She stopped upon sight of Cains bare behind. Saying nothing, she simply turned and walked away.
"You're going to need another special tool of us Horadrim. It's called 'The Horadric Cube'. Neat huh?"
"What does it do?"
"You put stuff in it, press the button on the side and it'll combine them together! Or it'll do weird stuff. Like turn amulets into rings… don't ask me why. We were trying to make a bigger one that divides things, so we could put in our 40 year old wives and get two 20 year olds… but sadly we never worked it out."
"Hmmm… alrighty then. So where did you hide that?"
Cain pointed a finger and opened his mouth.
"That… is a really good question. I seem to remember… waffles. But that's as far as it goes. Maybe you should just go for a wander in the desert. See what you can find?"
"Greeeaatttt. Divo; go find Static. She'll probably be wandering around in a state of shock somewhere. We're going back into the desert."
---Fast Forward – Somewhere Out in the Desert---
"Gimme that map, you can't read for $hit."
"I can too! I just get mixed up with all the squiggly lines. Are they mountains or rivers?"
"Divo… IT'S A DESERT!"
"So…mountains then?"
"Give me the f-&ing map!"
Meleezon ripped it from Divo's hands and began to study the drawings on its surface.
"So… where are we exactly?" asked Static, somewhat nervous.
Meleezon looked at the map, turned it upside down, squinted, turned it around again.
"Um… I don't know. Maybe guys are right. We really can't read maps."
"Yeah, but at least we can ask for directions cause we have no macho-ness to protect."
"Yeah, let's ask someone now."
The women looked around at the desert surrounding them. Sand. A cricket chirping. Wind blowing.
"Hmmm. Maybe… Divo, spin around really fast."
"What? Why?"
"Just do it."
Divo made a face, but obliged. Static and Meleezon watched as she began to twirl in circles fast and faster.
"Stop!" cried Meleezon. Divo tried to obey, but instead tripped on her feet and landed in the sand facing west.
"West it is! Amusement and directional choice all in one, I'm a genius."
---Fast Forward – Somewhere in the Desert---
"Divo, can I see that map again?"
"I don't have it. I kicked that stupid thing into the creek. We're lost! LOST! Haha!... HAHAHA!... WHAHAHAHAHAHA-"
-THUNK-
"Great job Meleezon. Now we'll be waiting hours for her to wake up."
"Sorry. Couldn't help myself. I was afraid she was going to come up really close to the screen and we'd see nothing but nostrils and really big boogers."
"…what… the hell?"
"Nothing. C'mon, we'll drag her for awhile."
---Fast Forward – Still Somewhere in the Desert---
"Well look at that. Another tomb."
It was nearing night time, and the three women were exhausted and thirsty (one was also nursing a bump on her head. She didn't believe Meleezons excuse of "really big mosquitoes out here" for one second).
"It looks just like Creeping Features place. Could we have gone in circles?"
"I doubt it, but right now I'm so tired I couldn't care. Hey look, this one has a sign too."
Meleezon went over and read it aloud.
"Halls of the Dead and the Almost-Dead-But-Not-Quite. Home too many secrets and treasures that we're not going to tell you about, like the Horadric Cube. I mean not the Horadric Cube. We don't have one. We sold it in a garage sale. Dammit, why isn't this paint water soluble?..."
"Well I'll be a fartwangers toenail," said Divo in surprise. "We found what we were looking for and didn't even mean too!"
"Yeah. Pretty amazing." agreed Static. "Wait… what on earth is a fartwanger?"
"What do you mean by 'what on earth?' Where the hell is that?"
"Nevermind all that, I say we go on in there, grab the cube and town portal back to town in time for tea," Meleezon said, slightly irritated.
"Sounds like a plan."
The three women descended the stairs into the Halls of the Semi-Sort-of-Kinda Dead.
--Fast Forward – Halls Level 1---
"The sign wasn't lying," Meleezon yelled over the sound of breaking bones. "There's undead everywhere! And look; that guy looks like Radament… minus the tail and stylish hairdo."
"Yeah, and he's raising the skeletons back to life," Static yelled back. "Terrific. Divo, can't you hit him?"
"I'm trying… if I could just get close enough…"
"Your using a bow, you don't need to be close. Plus he might breathe that hallucinogenic gas on you again."
"Yeah… I know."
"… Oh that's just sick. Divo we need to get you some help for that drug habit."
---Fast Forward – Halls Level 2---
"Bloody hell. How many people were buried in this place? I think old Bladebone's been all boned out." Meleezon swatted them aside, becoming adept at hitting vital places like vertebrae and kneecaps.
"I hate shooting these damn skeletons. My arrows go straight through their ribs."
"Yes, we noticed. And next time you shoot at one and I'm behind it, I'm gonna give you a shocking you'll never forget."
"Hah, you couldn't zap a blowfly."
-Sparks. Lightning flashing-
"AAHHHH! Meleezon! Help! She's after me!"
---Fast Forward – Quick Run to Halls Level 3---
"Alright Static, calm down. She was just kidding, weren't you Divo?"
"Yeah, yeah, I was just kidding. Please don't electrocute me."
"Alright fine. Say… where are we?"
"I think we're on level 3. Judging from past experiences, I'd say this is the last level. The Horadric Cube must be somewhere around here…"
The women began to spread out and explore rooms and corridors.
"Nothing over here…"
"Nothing here either."
"Ummm… I think I found something-er-one"
Meleezon backed out of the doorway with her shield raised high. Spears, bottles and whip cracks filled the air.
"Intruders! Defend me – I mean – defend the treasure… that we don't have!" a voice yelled, followed by a softer; "(Dammit, me and my big mouth.)"
Saber Cats began to pour out of the doorway, scratching and hissing. Fur flew, spears speared, bottles exploded into hideous smelling clouds of gas. It was bedlam in the Halls.
"Don't worry Meleezon, I'll help you!" Static closed her eyes and focused, and suddenly the room was crackling with electricity. Meleezon felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end, and she turned back to the Saber Cats…
-POOF-
The cats looked as if they'd been put through the tumble drier on high. Gigantic balls of fluff, as every hair on their bodies stuck straight out.
"ROWR!" they screamed in unison, and immediately dropped on all fours to try and preen themselves neat again.
"Niiicceee," Meleezon grinned. "You really are more useful then a doorstop, Static."
Static grinned sarcastically and nodded at the doorway.
"Yeah, right, just hurry up and get the cube. I can't do this forever."
Meleezon and Divo ran past the confuddled kitties and into the room from whence the strange voice had come. Inside, sitting on a large chest while glaring at the interlopers with hatred, was a green furred cat. She twitched her tail from side to side, and toyed with the whip in her hand.
"Hisssss. Humans. What do you want?"
Meleezon pointed her axe at the chest the cat was sitting on.
"We want the Horadric Cube. We know it's in there."
"No it's not. I've never even heard of it. We don't have anything here, and we certainly don't have that."
"The sign at the entrance said you had it, and that you sold it in a garage sale…"
"Err… yes. Yes we did. Now I remember. Oh well, it's gone. Sorry about that. Too bad. Bye now."
"… and we didn't believe a word of it."
The cat became nervous and her whiskers began to quiver.
"It's... it's not here. We were burgled, and it was stolen… we took it for a walk and it ran away… we gave it to Diablo as a 'get possessed well' gift! We air mailed it to Hawaii please go away!"
Meleezon strode up and stood firmly in front of the 'fearsome' feline.
"If you move off the box, maybe I won't chop your tail off and make it into a nice scarf for Divo there."
"Ew gross! I don't want a scarf made out of… I mean… yes! Oh that sounds great! Cat tail scarf, mmm I've always (hack) wanted one of (gag) those."
The cats' fur suddenly bristled and he bared her fangs.
"No one threatens Bloodwitch! I'll tear your eyelids off and spit in your retinas. I'll stuff furballs so far down your throat you'll be horking for hours. I'll-"
-Slice Slice-
"AAHHH! My whiskers! My EAR! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire feline race! I'm going to-"
---Fast Forward---
"You know, it's not actually that bad," Divo mused while running a stylish green-furred scarf around her neck. "So soft."
Meleezon was rummaging around in the chest, throwing out useless trinket after useless trinket.
"… squeaky mouse… stash of catnip… scratching post… ah here we are!" She pulled a small glowing cube out and held it up for Divo to see.
"Oooohhh," said Divo, mesmerized. "Shiny. Can I touch?"
At that moment a chorus of hisses floated through the doorway, followed by a scream. Meleezon pulled a town portal from her pack and prepared to open it.
"I give her 5 seconds. Don't be in her path when she comes past either."
Sure enough, seconds later Static came hurtling into the room.
"Outta my way!" she screamed, and dived head first through the portal. Over a dozen very angry and well preened cats came chasing after her. Divo raised her bow, but had second thoughts.
"Static… wait for me!"
She bolted into the portal and disappeared. Meleezon rolled her eyes.
"Woe is me the day I actually need someone to back me up." She casually stepped through the portal and closed it behind her, leaving the cats to their tomb of the dead.
Next Blog: Sticks and stones may break my bones but big, squishy, fast-reproducing bugs will never hurt me…
