TITLE: Misconceptions About Morality
FANDOM: Fullmetal Alchemist
PAIRING: slight Roy/Ed
GENRE: Crack
RATING: PG-13
WARNING: yaoi, language, bad humor
DISCLAIMER: Fulmetal nor its characters are mine, no money is being made here so don't sue or whatever.
SUMMARY: The secret of Roy's birth is unveiled... messily.
That was by a fine Friday morning that Edward Elric found Central Headquarters in total chaos. People were running around with hunted expressions, broken sobs could be heard at every corner and there was a distinctively burnt smell floating in the corridors. The closer he got to Mustang's office the worse the foreboding feeling in his guts got.
When he finally crossed the threshold, the sight had him cringing. There was soot on every surface, heavy smoke lingered in the air in spite of all the windows being wide opened and there were an impressive number of gunshot impacts all over the walls. In the midst of the war zone, Mustang's team stood, all huddled together and looking shell-shocked. There was no hide nor hair of Roy.
"What happened here and where is the bastard?"
There was a collective gasp at his last word and they all threw a fearful glance towards the closed door of Mustang's private office. That answered his second inquiry at least, still he would like an explanation. Surely the always collected First Lieutenant Hawkeye would provide one. The problem was that, presently, Riza appeared all but collected. The usually stoic woman was deathly pale and mumbling to herself what sounded like: "the old lecher grabbed my ass.", again and again, occasionally punctuating her lament by violent shudders.
As Hawkeye looked useless, Ed glanced over the other soldiers trying to estimate their various state of nerves. Fury had red eyes and snot all over; chances were that he would break under questioning without revealing anything of importance. Havoc kept repeating something of "being two of them" while searching his pockets for seemingly missing cigarettes. There would be no forthcoming help from here either. Even the lazy indifference of Breda seemed shattered. The poor man was curled up on the floor, rocking himself soothingly with his face tightly pressed against his knees. His particular monologue being about "evil old women" and "pinching cheeks", leaving anyone to wonder if he was speaking about the "upper" cheeks or the "lower" ones. Disturbing thought indeed.
Ed's eyes finally fell on Farman who honestly looked the worse for wear. Nothing remained of his usual encompassed attitude. His uniform was rumpled and dirty, his hair stood at odd angles and appeared singed in places. Yet, all things considered, he looked like the best bet for one needing answers. At least he seemed coherent and wasn't mumbling some nonsense.
"Vato, can you tell me what happened here?"
The warrant officer cast him a blank look and took a few moments before remembering that Ed was his superior and so was granted an answer. He modified his stance to stand at attention, saluted and gave his report. In a lesser man, this cold professionalism while in such a frazzled state would have been funny; in Farman, it was expected and humbling.
"The Colonel's parents gave an impromptu visit, Sir."
"The Colonel's parents? As in his Mom and Dad?"
"I believe that is what the word means, Sir."
"You say that Mustang has actually a father? For real?"
"What did you expect Fullmetal? That I was born in a cabbage? Or simply appeared into existence?"
Roy's appearance had his five soldiers visibly blanching and ducking out of harm's way, not altogether a reassuring sight. Being the fearless airhead he was, Edward didn't take it at heart and turned to face his Colonel with curiosity.
"Well no, duh! I knew that you had a mother of course, but everybody's always calling you a bastard so..."
Ed was rudely interrupted by a loud whimper that sounded awfully like Riza's. He turned to glare at her and so missed the twitching of a dark eyebrow. What saved his life was the shouted "Duck!" from Fury. His well trained body reacted even before his mind had registered the warning and it was good because Roy seemed out for a snapping rampage. While evading bursts of flames coming at him at random, Ed began to understand how office and subordinates had ended in such a poor state. Roy had finally snapped, literaly.
"THAT is what happened, Sir! Second Lieutenant Havoc made a similar comment." Farman forwarded dutifully while side-stepping crumbling plaster.
A few explosions later, Edward found himself hiding behind the remnants of a mahogany desk, side by side with Havoc who seemed to have been awaken from his daze by all the excitement and continued the retelling of the morning events.
"I didn't know he would get all mad about that. You call him a bastard all the time. But if you think it is bad now, you should have seen him when his parents were still here. His Mom took my cigarettes away, said they were bad for my health. Crazy woman! She was all over Breda and Fury, saying they were fine specimen, cooing and hugging them. That made the Colonel twitchy but when he lost it was when his old man began pawing at Riza and she tried to shoot him. He tried to fry them both and well everyone else on his way. He calmed a little only when his parents managed to escape, just before you came in."
The desk protecting them suddenly dissolved in ashes and Ed made a dash for the door. He didn't stop running before having cleared the Headquarters entryway by a good mile. When he finally stopped, he put his hands on his knees and took long calming breaths.
So there were actually worse perverts than the bast... huh... shit Colonel and they were his own parents. It figures. That was fortunate the man was banging Edward. With such things running in the family it was a small blessing that he didn't plan to breed.
Afterwords: This one is dedicated to my lj pal jadedsilk and it is a running joke between us. We noticed that for all the people in Amestris calling Roy a bastard, there is no proof that he is one. We wondered what Mrs Mustang thought about all that and founded a club to defend her morality.
