Blog 18 – REBOOT and 'Meet the Boneys'

"Excellent! You found the staff! This is a great day indeed!"

Cain was almost dancing around the town center with glee. Meleezon snorted.

"Yeah, we did, but look at it. It's all bent and twisted; no doubt from the Queens efforts trying to poop the damn thing out."

Cain grinned and waved a dismissive hand.

"Bah, the Horadric Cube will fix that, it's a fantastic restorative device. Now, we just have to find the amulet."

Meleezon and Divo's jaws almost hit the cobblestones.

"Aaahhh… $hit. I completely forgot about that. Well, that's it. Our adventure is over. I'll be stuffed if I'm going through the desert to look for one tiny amulet."

Cain stopped dancing and looked grim.

"Yes… yes I spose that is a rather difficult task. It's a shame you know. We were soooo close. And I had a base idea of where he went too."

"You did?"

"Why, yes! You see, the Horadrim member we sent away with the amulet hated snakes. So not only was it amusing that we made him carry the amulet – which is actually a big snake tooth – we also pointed him in the direction of the Lost City. There's a big temple there full of strange serpents, you know."

An alarm bell went off in Meleezons ears.

"Goddam it, Divo, what have I told you about pulling that prank?"

"Sorry," Divo replied, taking Atma's dinner bell away from Meleezon's head. "But c'mon, you shoulda seen your face!"

Meleezon went into deep thought. She could have sworn Cain's words reminded her of something. She looked down at her nails.

"Damn adventuring. Look at the dirt! I should really book myself in for a manicure with Drognan." She reached inside her backpack and pulled out the Viper tooth she'd acquired with Masti X, using it to scrape the gunk from under her finger tips.

"Well, Cain, guess we should head home ay? The Rogues probably miss you suggesting their skirts be 3 inches shorter, and that midriffs are so the in fashion."

"Yes, I think you're-" he spotted the tooth in Meleezons hands. "GREAT SCOTT!"

"Scott the Great? Who? Where"

"What? No, not Scott, nevermind. I'm talking about that!" He snatched the tooth from her hands. "By Jove you found it! You found the amulet!"

"Jove had nothing to do with it. I didn't find it by him at all. And where's Scott the Great? He sounds hot!"

"Why didn't you show me this earlier?"

"Uuummm… it's a dirty snake tooth with the root still attached. I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff."

"It's the top of the staff! Oh you've saved us you've saved us, thank our lucky stars."

"…I don't have a lucky star. I have a lucky piece of belly button fluff though, should I thank that?"

"Oh forget it, give me the cube." Cain took the box and placed both the staff and amulet inside. "Now, behold as I combine the two staff pieces into one! I'll just push the transmute button, and Bob's your uncle!"

"The box will make me an uncle 'Bob'? That's some freaky $hit, are you sure we should be fiddling with something so powerful?"

"Yeah, Cain, I don't even have an uncle, so if it can rename him Bob, wow… that's some strong magic." Divo pondered, before losing interest and wandering away to ask townspeople if they'd seen 'Scott the Great' around.

Cain pushed the button. The box jumped and spun in a circle. Then there was a bright flash of light, and suddenly…

"I'm sorry; you have preformed an illegal operation. Please restart your cube and try again." The monotone voice of a man desperately trying to imitate a woman drifted out of a speaker on the side of the box.

Cain went pale.

"Jumping Jahosophat! I was afraid of this"

"Afraid of Jahosophat? Why, cause he jumps?"

"No you fool, afraid that there'd be an error with transmuting. We did a really good job separating the two pieces; that big hammer never fails. I was worried the cube would have troubles recombining them."

He turned it over and Meleezon saw the words "horADrim InC." imprinted on the side. Cain carefully pushed the A, C and lastly the D. The cube made a "ding ding ding dong" sound, accompanied by some orchestral instruments, and went silent.

"…what's it doing?"

"Rebooting. I just pray that the restore function works properly, otherwise we could lose the staff altogether!"

They waited patiently as the box went through a series of clicks and whirs.

"Damn load times. And we were assured WinBox BC had the fastest load times of all cube operating systems. If only I hadn't outlived that blasted merchant…"

Finally the box played another little tune, and the voice appeared again through the speaker.

"Critical error repaired. Attempting restoration…"

Beeps. Clicks. Whirs.

"… restoration failed. Please place patch on cube, and try again."

Cain's face changed from pink, to red, to purple. He let out an angry bellow and raised the box above his head, ready to smash it upon the ground.

"Er… just kidding. Restoration complete."

-DING-

The bottom of the cube opened and the staff fell out onto Cain's cranium. He slumped forward and landed face first on the cobblestones, snoring. Meleezon bent down and picked up the newly repaired staff.

"Nice. The tooth doesn't look half as ugly on top as I thought it would." She looked down at the snoring Cain. "Hmmm… well I guess it was nap time for him. Again. Better go find Divo and Static."

---Fast Forward---

"What do you mean you're leaving?"

"I've got to go, I'm sorry." Static was packing up her stuff, cleaning out her room in the Inn. "I got a call, it was very important."

"A call? From who?"

"The library. Apparently someone knocked over a bookshelf and now everything is in complete disarray. Books out of alphabetical order, 400 years worth of dust floating all over the place. I've got to go back and help them fix it up."

"We're fighting the Lords of Hell here. If we don't stop them, there won't even BE a library left on Sanctuary!"

"Not true! I'm positive even Lords of Hell like to take time out once in a while. Imagine all the screaming that goes on down there… where better place to escape it all then a library!"

"You're insane."

"I'm not about to go off and fight a demon that took the entire Horadrim to capture. And half of them were killed during the battle."

"Good point. Happy reading."

---Fast Forward---

"Well Divo, looks like we're on our own. Static's gone off to attend 'important business', and that just leaves you and me."

"And me…" A sinister voice drifted over to them from the shadow of a building. Both women whirled, their weapons ready.

An evil cackle followed their reaction, and slowly a bone clad figure emerged.

"You need not fear me. I am on your side… or am I?"

He was rather short, but strode for a very long distance, giving him the appearance of 'sliding'.

"I will not hurt you… unless I deem it necessary… and neither... will they." He gestured to the shadows, and 12 skeletons came slinking out. The man flung his cloak over his arm, and drew it across his face. All that could be seen was his beady black eyes.

"For I am a Necromancer, and these are my minions. I am master of the Undead... the good undead I mean."

"Yes, I know," replied Meleezon, getting bored with the whole routine. "I've traveled with two of your kind already."

The Necro dropped his arm and looked surprised.

"Really? Two? Well blast it." He unwrapped his cloak from his arm and threw it back over his shoulders. "And I thought we were supposed to be rare in this world where death is final."

"That's just what I said."

The Necro walked over – normally now, the sliding had been part of the act – and extended his hand.

"Well, nice to meet you. Sorry about that intro, I always do it just in case people have never met my kind before. Usually totally freaks them out. Even had a barbarian wet his pants. Never heard a grown man cry for his mummy before."

Meleezon took his hand and shook it.

"Nice to meet you too. I'm Meleezon, and I too have made grown men cry. Usually it's by telling them that all males are castrated on our islands after they've served their purpose."

The Necro and his skeletons shared a crossed legged cringe.

"Oohhh… um… yes well. Understandable."

"So, what do they call you?"

The Necro immediately went back into sinister mode.

"I am fear! I am evil (the good kind)! They call me…. Ew."

"… Ew?"

"Yes Ew. Ew the Summoner, to be exact."

"….Alrighty then. Well, Ew, we'd gladly have you along with us. Is summoning skeletons all you can do?"

"No, I'm slightly trained in the art of Curse B-tchery."

"Nice. What curses do you know?"

"The usual. I can make stuff get hurt more when you hit them. Drain their life when they hit us, and of course, make them hallucinate and run for their lives in fear."

Divo suddenly stepped forward indignantly.

"What? I doubt you could do that to me. I'm a Sister of the Sightless Eye, nothing scares us!"

"Except massive, tentacled, red-headed, nippel pierced Lords of Hell, hey Divo?"

"(Shut up or I'll beat you too death with a cat. Don't think I won't!)"

"Heh. Ok Ew, gather your Skeletons-"

"The Boney's."

"Excuse me?"

"The Boney's. That's what their gang is called." He leaned closer and covered his mouth with his hand. "Makes them feel tougher. I don't mind it; they fight better. I just wish they'd lose the head bands."

Meleezon glanced over the red, purple and blue bandana's adorning each skeleton.

"Yes, I can understand that. Maybe if they had leather jackets-"

"Don't you DARE suggest that too them."

"You still don't scare me. I bet I could withstand any curse you had." Divo continued, determined to prove her point.

Ew studied her for a second, then swiftly pulled out his wand.

"Crappus Pantus Syndromius!" he shouted.

A thin waft of green, sparkling gas flowed from the wand and went up Divo's nostrils. She shook her head and her eyes glazed over for a second.

"Huh? What happened?"

Ew grabbed his cloak in both hands and stretched it out like wings.

"Divo… look at me. What do you see?"

She focused on him.

"Umm... I see you standing on your tippy toes, trying to look like a giant bat or something."

Ew looked surprised.

"Damn wand… must be on the blink again."

While he was tapping it, a scorpion crawled over Divo's foot. She casually looked down and her eyes widened.

"…g… mmm… ssss… ugh…"

"Divo… are you all right?"

The Rogue continued to stutter.

"Ssss…mmm..mmm… MONSTER! AAHHHHHHHH!"

She kicked the scorpion high into the air, turned on her heel and pelted. Meleezon and Ew watched her race down the street with her arms flailing, screaming something about giant foot eating monsters.

"Well done Ew. Now she'll start a riot."

"Meh, no problem. I'll just cast a confusion curse and they'll all stop being scared and start wondering why their standing in the middle of a palm tree wearing skirts and knee high boots. While eating banana crumpets, of course."

"Of course. Oh, and by the way; if you ever put a curse on me, I'll personally demonstrate the whole castration process on you."

"Duly noted. Let's be off shall we?"

Next Blog: Duriel – Lord of the Diet (Coke)