TITLE: Misconceptions About Kissing

FANDOM: Fullmetal Alchemist

PAIRING: Ed/Roy

GENRE: Crack

RATING: PG I guess

WARNING: yaoi, spoilers for the end of series, language, deathfic (not the sad kind), unjust mistreatment of anime characters, awful puns and just plain meanness all around

DISCLAIMER: Nor FMA nor its characters are mine and this story's only done in good fun so don't sue or whatever.

SUMMARY: "The Colonel is old, shock can't be good for him. He might have had an heart attack."

In the years following King Bradley's demise, Roy Mustang had grown into an especially nasty persona. Having been robbed of his aspirations to become Fuhrer had dealt his ego a severe blow. He had taken on drinking at some point and harbored now a slight plumpness. That, in addition to his missing eye and the puffiness alcohol had put on his face left him short on girlfriends. Charisma wrinkled and character soured, he had worn out all but his more faithful followers who themselves didn't stay out of anything but habit and a wary sense of duty.

On the day these events took place, Roy Mustang was in an even fouler mood than ordinary. The man had caught a bad cold and had already gone through two boxes of tissues by noon. His subordinates weren't particularly sympathetic and were instead making fun of his unusually nasal voice. It was just after lunchtime when Fullmetal came barging in. That wasn't unusual per se nor were the following argument and exchange of insults. Thus, no one was surprised to see Ed launched himself at Mustang after a particularly depreciating jibe. However, the Fullmetal kissing the man instead of hitting him was an oddity.

Once the shock wore off, everyone closed in on the unlikely pair, not to intervene mind you, but to watch the impromptu show from a better angle. The Flame Alchemist was struggling madly even managing to place a few kicks. What a shame he didn't realize in his panic that he was kicking the metal leg. Ed had him backed up against his desk, both flailing hands gathered in the automail one while the flesh one held him firmly by his nape. If the young man had already been strong as a kid, now that he was all grown up, in every sense of the word, Mustang didn't stand a chance.

The gawkers were quietly commenting on the spectacle, helpfully pointing the finer details to those who couldn't find a good seat. After a while Roy appeared to give in and the struggles weakened before stopping altogether. At that point Edward finally let him go and gave him a little space ready to launch back on the argument now that the Flame Alchemist had successfully been silenced. Nobody expected Mustang to crumble on the floor in an ungraceful hump.

There was a moment of silence while everyone seemed to wait for the other shoe to drop, then Edward nudged the limp form with the toe of one boot. Mustang stayed still and the young man appeared vaguely concerned.

"Oi Bastard, you okay?"

There was no answer and everybody inched forward to have a proper look. Fullmetal looked annoyed and crossed his arms while a stubborn expression darkened his features.

"That's enough. I know what you want but I won't come close enough for you to bash my face in."

"Maybe he fainted..."

That came from Farman and held more boredom than any hint of worry. He didn't either come closer to confirm the suspicion. A little further, Breda who was slouched on a chair in his traditional lazy fashion, gave his two cents.

"I say he's faking. Ed can't possibly be that good."

"Maybe not but the Colonel is old, shock can't be good for him. He might have had an heart attack."

"Don't be stupid Al. Of course the bastard's fine. He's just playing us. As if I'd fall for that."

Ed snorted to punctuate his comment when Fury's lilting voice piped in rather fearfully.

"Are you sure Edward, he looks kinda blue... and stiff..."

"What? Elric gave him a boner?"

Everyone turned toward Hawkeye somewhat astonished. Nobody had ever heard the composed Riza speak in such a language. They would also have expected a more frantic reaction when confronted with such a scene. Looked like her beloved Colonel had worn out even her seemingly unshakeable loyalty and everybody knows that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". She gave them all a blank look and they returned to their contemplation while Fury took the time to dissipate the misunderstanding.

"I meant he is awfully still. I'm not sure he's breathing."

Ed finally knelt near the fallen alchemist with a closed up expression which might have passed for worry but was more believably irritation. He poked him a few times just to be sure the bastard wasn't planning to spring up and attack him. He waved his flesh hand over Roy's mouth, studying his face distrustfully.

"You're right, he's not breathing. Guess he's dead."

"Brother, you can't say something like that. You should try to revive him."

Ed glanced disbelievingly at his sibling.

"Hell no!"

"What's a little mouth-to-mouth when you were tonguing his tonsils not ten minutes ago?"

Breda supplied helpfully.

"That was then, this is now. I was just trying to make him shut up. That's completely different. And there was no tongue, no tongue at all."

"If you say so..."

Thay all exchanged meaningful glances before returning to the matter at hand. If not Edward, someone else would have to volunteer and no one was exactly fighting for the privilege. Some time passed but no one had stepped forward yet, not even Riza. Finally, it was Farman who resolved the issue with a dismissive shrug.

"Anyway, if he is really not breathing, that has already been too long for us to do anything for him. He's dead."

They did the expected quiet minute, all obviously not very sad or contrite but eager to be done with it.

"Well Ed you have to be one Helluva kisser! You quite literally took his breath away."

Havoc was grinning madly at his bad pun and the others gave into a few chuckles before going their separate ways. They had to deal with all the red tape, the death of an officer was a serious matter after all.

And so it came to pass that Roy Mustang finally succumbed under the assaults of Edward Elric, even if no one had foreseen the particularities of this unsurprising outcome. Nonetheless, it was somewhat fitting for one who was once such a ladykiller to die asphyxiated in a kiss.

The following day, Central's newspaper titled "The Flame Alchemist, Kissed In Action". When questioned, the editor swore that it had just been an unfortunate misspelling, but everybody at Headquarters was wondering who had beaten them to the punch in leaking the info.

Edward, bedridden by the same nasty bug who had plagued the Colonel's last days, was unfortunately unable to attend Roy's funerals. He missed out on a grand affair but had many people to relate him the play by play later on as there was an impressive crowd attending. This exceptional attendance wasn't unexpected as the Flame Alchemist had grown quite infamous in his last years. The man had had more than his share of enemies and many wanted to confirm with their own eyes that the bastard was really done for the count.

Thanks to the newspapers and unscrupulous military gossip-mongers the rumor of Mustang's last fatal misadventure had spread wide. There were many an ex-girlfriend kissing the marble to make sure Roy would stay put while even more men who had at one point been oned up by the bastard snickered irreverently. The ground was covered in gay feathers, baby's breaths, love lies bleeding, feverfews, loose strifes or any other flowers the name could be played with among the more traditional forget-me-not.

The only disruption of the otherwise pleasant afternoon came in the person of Riza Hawkeye cocking her gun to stop people from carving the now famous "KIA" on the gravestone. The dignified woman had eventually been guilt-stricken and was only trying to make amends to her beloved leader. Fortunately, Havoc was there to dissipate her misgivings with a few reminders of the most unpleasant occurrences in the Colonel's and her relationship.

All in all it was the most hilarious funerals Central had ever seen. Many puns and mock epitaphs written on this day would be remembered long past. For all and every purposes, Roy Mustang was now immortal in Amestris memories as he had wanted all along. However, he might not have foreseen it would be as the butt of a bad joke. What ego does my friends... what ego does...

Afterwords: Just wanted to rant about yet another one of my pet peeves. I guess I read something along the lines of "they stopped kissing only once the need for air grew urgent" once too many times. I remember having participated in "longest french kiss" contests in my young years and didn't ever see anyone dying from lack of oxygen. -- In the worst case your jaw's aching, but that's it. Anybody heard of breathing through the nose?