Blog 19 – Lord of Flab

"So, finally we return." Meleezon stood with her hands on her hips and scanned the great cliffs surrounding the Canyon of the Magi. "Now, if I could only remember which tomb was the real one…"

"Hey Meleezon, check this out!" Divo was standing next to a tall pylon. Meleezon recognized it as the place she and Masti X had parted. Stuck to the pillar was a piece of paper, written on in hasty handwriting.

Meleezon ripped it off and began to read aloud:

"Dear Meleezon and Co,

I'm sure you are fully aware that the chances of me facing Baal alone were about as large as Jerhyn's brain. However, since you did help me restore the sun and prevent my body getting torn limb from limb by the towns people, I felt that I owed you.

I went through each and every tomb until I found the real one. The symbol is; Triangle. Or was it square? Hmm… either way I know it had a five in it. Jokes, it's a triangle.

Please, don't feel sorry that we won't be killing the Lord of Destruction together. I found enough treasure in the false tombs to let me live a rich, fat-ass life where ever I like!

I hear Mt. Arreat is nice this time of year, perhaps I'll go hiking. At least if I get in distress there'll be tons of shirtless, body building men to rescue me. Mmmm Barbarians… although the last few I met were too involved in dancing to 'YMCA' to notice me :(

Hugs and Inner Sight Induced Feelings,

Masti X"

"Well, looks like it Masti saved the day. We're off to find the tomb marked with a triangle."

"Triangle? Oh god no!"

"What's wrong Ew?"

"Nothing… I just have a fear of triangles is all."

"… You work with the dead, you spend your entire life devoted to raising monstrosities like Blood Golems, and you're afraid of… triangles?"

"Yes. I was horribly mauled by one as a child. It haunts me to this day."

"I don't think I want to get into this."

---Fast Forward – The Triangle Tomb Entrance---

"I can't! I just can't do it!"

Ew sat huddled in the sand before the gaping doorway of the tomb.

"Come on Ew, the triangle is drawn onto stone. It's not going to hurt you! It can't jump off and bite you."

"That's what they said about the last one, and boy were they wrong."

Divo rolled her eyes.

"Geez, such a fuss over a stupid shape. If you'd seen that thing crawling over my foot in town, you would have DIED!"

"Yes, Ew, you're making quite the unnecessary scene. We have to go inside."

"What's left of my sanity is imploring me not to enter."

"That's exactly what my last boyfriend said before I took him into the castration tent, which is what I'll do to you if you don't MOVE."

"On second thoughts, triangles aren't the scariest thing around…"

---Fast Forward – The True Triangle Tomb of Tal Rasha---

"Wow, Meleezon, look at this coffin. I've been here for 5 minutes, shooting every zombie that comes out of it, and they're still coming!"

Meleezon stood at Divo's side and admired the pile of corpses that was beginning to fill the room.

"That's quite impressive. Ew would find this fascinating."

"Hmm?" The Necromancer was wandering around the room aimlessly. Apparently one of his skeletons had lost its bandana and refused to move on until it was recovered.

"Pause your bandana hunt for a second and come look at this coffin."

Divo shot another zombie as it stumbled through.

"Maybe it's made from the same stuff as my quiver? I mean, I never seem to run out arrows."

"You know, I've always wanted to ask you about that, but I've been to embarrassed cause I thought it'd sound stupid."

"Really? No way! How cool it that?"

Ew walked around the coffin, examining it.

"Intriguing. If I took a guess, I'd say it's an ectoplasmic replication device with neural and physiological combination abilities."

"It's a microwave?"

"No, it's magic," Ew stated, while making twinkling motions with his fingersand going 'ooohhhh' in a spooky way.

"Ahhh, of course! It's amazing; magic is the answer to so many things. I wonder why that is?" Divo began to drift off into thought.

"Well I've had enough of it." Meleezon strode over and gave the coffin a mighty kick. "Hiya!"

It fell over onto its side and smashed into rumble. Once the dust had cleared, a small, toy monkey holding tambourines waddled out of the wreckage. It happily tottered around, smashing its noise makers together madly.

"Ah HA! That's Horadrim work if I've ever seen it. Remind me to ask Cain about it when we get back to town."

Divo stooped and picked it up.

"Awww it's cute! A magic monkey able to reproduce the undead. Just what I always wanted!"

---Fast Forward – Orifice (hehe… orifice)---

"Hmmm… 7 symbols… a hole in the middle… suspicious looking sealed doorway to the left… I'd say this is the place we put the staff."

"I'll handle this," Ew reached into his backpack and pulled out a perfect replica of the staff Meleezon and Divo had been working so long and hard to find. Their jaws almost hit the floor.

"What the… how the hell did you get a Horadric Staff?"

Ew looked surprised.

"What this thing? Yeah it's a Horadric Staff. 29 gold at any local supermarket. Look, I got a spare amulet free!" He pulled a tooth on a chain out from inside his armour.

Meleezon looked as if she was about to explode.

"Words… cannot express… how pissed off… I am!"

"Well, good thing we're going to fight a Lord of Hell then, isn't it? You can take all that aggression out on him."

Ew casually strolled over and stuck the staff in the orifice. There was a grinding, chugging sound and the staff slowly began to rotate. Meleezon watched as it rose into the air, still spinning and beginning to glow like a careless electrician.

"Wow. If the Horadrim hadn't spent so long on flashy light shows they could rule the world! Or at least invented the flush toilet by now."

The staff suddenly shattered into a bolt of raw lightning and raced across the room. It reached the sealed door, paused, then knocked politely. The door creaked open, and the bolt of lightning disappeared inside.

Meleezon and Ew looked at each other.

"I guess manners make life easier… we shoulda just tried smashing the bloody thing down."

---Fast Forward - Tal Rasha's Chamber---

"AAAAaahhhhh…"

-SPLOOSH-

Divo slid down the bank and landed waist deep in slime. She groaned and pulled a hand out to look at it.

"Gross," she mumbled. A voice drifted down to her.

"Sorry, Divo. You ok?"

"Fine. But try sliding to the left when you come down, there's a pool of slime on this side." She suddenly realized she'd missed her chance for revenge and slapped herself on the forehead in disgust. Which naturally resulted in a nice slimy handprint.

-THUMP THUMP-

Meleezon and Ew landed on slime free dirt a few meters to her left.

"Care to help me out?"

Meleezon surpassed snickers and helped her rogue companion out of the puddle.

"Baal is just going to love you in that skirt."

"Shut up or I'll offer you to him as a sacrifice. Why do I always land in slime?"

-CA-RASH (clatter tinkle crack)-

Ew cringed has the entire Boney gang slid down and landed in a pile on the ground. Multiple skulls looked up at their master, grinning sheepishly and silently hoping he'd forgive their clumsiness and put them back together.

"Goddam it," the Necro mumbled as he began to pick up the scattered pieces. "They'd follow me to Hell and wouldn't even bat an eye socket at fighting Diablo, but give them a slope and their done for…"

Meleezon and Divo smiled and turned to investigate the area more. It was an extremely large cavern; apparently the entire floor had given way and collapsed into this hole. Meleezon could see a door halfway up the wall that obviously led into another room. Divo suddenly began to tug on Meleezons armour.

"Mmmm.. sss… gggaahh"

"What? Don't tell me you've seen another scorpion?"

Divo just kept pointing and mouthing words.

"B.. Beeg. Very bbeeeeeggg mmmm"

Meleezon followed her pointing finger, and there at the far distant end of the cavern, sat the most hideously bloated creature she'd ever seen.

It was a massive insect; somewhere between mother-in-law and elephant-with-obesity. Much like the Maggot Queen, it appeared to be so bloated it couldn't move. However the man-size claws it had for arms suggested it might be able to drag itself pretty damn fast if needed.

Meleezon and Divo began to creep forward to get a better look. As they got closer, they could see what the creature was doing.

Hunched over a desk perhaps one tenth it's size, it held a tiny book in those two massive claws. A small desk lamp illuminated the pages.

Curious, Meleezon cleared her throat.

"Er... ahem… good book?"

The creature casually looked up. Its face was twisted into an unchangeable grin, showing rows of very sharp teeth. A pair of spectacles balanced perfectly over its eyes.

"Yes. Can I help you?" His voice was high, smooth and somewhat professional.

"We're here to see Baal."

The creature put down its book.

"I'm sorry; he's away on a call at the moment. Can I take a message?"

"Tell him we've come to kill him."

The great bug suddenly took a whole different approach.

"Oh! Good grief you're heroes!"

He threw the book over his head, smashed the desk against the wall and brought his great bulk up to full height.

"Fear me, humans!" His voice had become deep and rolling it startled the women. "I am Duriel, Lord of Pain, and Secretary to Destruction."

Meleezon and Divo began to back away.

"Erm… Meleezon… no one said anything about this guy."

"Yeah. Perhaps we should have made an appointment."

"DIE!"

Duriel lunged into a head first charge, dragging himself across the cavern with such speed Meleezon was barely able to jump aside. The bugs great bulk kept him going until he smashed into the wall behind them, making the whole room shake. Rocks and sand began to tumble from the ceiling.

"I'm not sure if we should get him to do that again. This whole place could come down," Meleezon shouted over the sound of falling rubble. "Where's Ew anyway?"

"Ouchus Maximus Hurtyous!"

The familiar red curse snaked its way over Duriel's body. At the same instant, a dozen freshly rebuilt and colourfully bandana'ed skeletons leapt upon his hefty fat rolls.

Duriel let out a bellow and began to smash Boney's off his body left and right. Ew suddenly appeared next to Meleezon, using desperate hand gestures to re-bind skeleton after skeleton as they were smashed apart.

"You better get into it; I don't know how long we can keep this up."

Divo suddenly snapped to attention and began launching volley after volley of arrows at the Lords exposed flesh. Much to her disappointment they disappeared inside the fat completely.

"We have to think of something else, Meleezon. Nothing can hurt this guy!"

Duriel was beginning to win the fight against the skeletons. He bashed his body against the wall and used his weight to crush them into the ground.

"I've got an idea," Meleezon yelled as more rocks began to fall around them. "Ew, call off your skeletons before we're buried. Divo, reach into my backpack and find our desert memento.

Divo looked confused, but began to search anyway.

"Which memento? We have lots! Squeaky cat toy, Maggot Queens mandibles, Summoners voice box (squeeze it for laughs galore)… oh wait, you mean this?"

She pulled a small blue internal organ from its holding pocket.

"Yes! That's it! Give it to me but what ever you do don't squeeze it, it's-"

-ZORCH-

-Divo has died-

"Oh goddam it, you moron Divo! It's Beetlebursts zap-gland. Static told us how dangerous it was." She bent down and pried the glowing bug-bit from Divo's smoking hand. "Looks like you're going to miss another Hell Lord battle," she sighed.

A massive claw suddenly smashed into the ground next to her, sending her sailing backwards. She scrambled to her feet and began to sprint for her life as the very angry, very large Duriel chased her down.

"Come here, little human. I'm bigger then you, I'm higher in the food chain. GET IN MAH BELLY!"

Meleezon began to circle around the cavern.

"Dammit, Ew! Help me! Draw his attention!"

In reply she heard Ew's voice shouting a curse:

"Loogat Mee I Say Badtings Aboot Yo Mommas!"

Duriel stopped in his tracks and did a complete 180 spin (not bad considering his size; you'd expect a loud 'beep beep' when he was turning).

"Boney human can be entrée, I'll eat you wand and all!"

Ew suddenly realized he wasn't in the best position.

"Um, Meleezon, I've stopped him chasing you but now what? He's going to kill me!"

Meleezon finished setting the zap-gland carefully on the floor and stood up.

"Cast another curse! Get him to come after me again!"

"What? Make up your bloody mind!" Ew was clearly getting nervous as the Lord of Pain bore down on him. "Hay Lookus Ova Therius!"

The repel curse snaked out of his wand and smacked Duriel in the face. The big bug stopped in surprise and glared at the hovering orange mist, which grabbed his head and twisted it in Meleezons direction.

"Hey Ugly. I can see you've got plumbers crack and a really bad case of cellulite from back here."

Duriel roared so loudly the remaining skeletons at Ew's side collapsed to the floor again. With another impressive 180 he barreled down the length of the room towards the puny human before him.

"Come on Duri, a little closer…" she took a few steps back, not fully confident this plan would work. "Just a little closer…"

Duriel was almost upon her.

"GET IN MAH-"

-ZORTCH-

The Hell Lord stopped mid-charge and glowed bright blue. Meleezon could see the electricity flowing through him; sparks sizzling away the fat.

Ew came running up.

"I don't know what's going to happen here, but perhaps we should stand back." They sheltered against the wall, watching the translucent skin as it began to bubble and pop.

"He's gonna-"

-PPPPppssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh….-

Duriels great body deflated before their eyes. A smell like rotten eggs and unwashed footy socks filled the cavern.

"Oh god, it's worse then exploding!" Meleezon said through held nose.

Duriel continued to sink into the ground, oozing pus and smaller insects. Soon, all that remained was a carpet-size skin-bag and two massive claws. The bugs evacuating his body began to creep they're way across the cavern floor.

Ew strode over and stepped on one, making a satisfying squish.

"Well, that ends that. What say we go back to town for awhile. Drink, rest… oh and bring Divo back of course."

Meleezon nodded.

"I second that. It'd be better to let this place air out anyway; smells worse then Cains robe."

Next Blog: Duuddddeee, whoa! I'm seeing Angels! Awesome!