"Hmmm… hm hm hm."
Jerhyn read Tyraels letter over, then over once more. Meleezon and Divo waited impatiently on the palace steps.
"How do I know you got this from an Angel? The writing is atrocious!"
"It's called calligraphy. Upper class snots and people with skill sometimes like to use it."
"Bah, I've never used it in my life!"
"Funny that…"
Jerhyn read it over one last time, folded it up and handed it back.
"Fine, go tell Meshif the docks are open again. I suppose it's a good thing really; we haven't received any overseas mail since we closed the docks. I really miss my Wine Cellar Monthly Magazine."
"Hm, speaking of cellars, how did the clean up go?"
"Oh, fine fine fine. Fara whipped up a few ancient resurrection spells and brought the Harem girls and guards back to life. We also cleared out all the monsters and closed the portal. All good, all good."
"… what about FireEye, the portal Guardian?"
"Who?"
A loud scream suddenly came from the palace, followed by a familiar irritated voice.
("Now I shall engage you all in lethal combat! Hey you, get back here! Don't you dare climb those stairs. Hey, don't flip me off! That's it, now I'm pissed!")
"Uuuummm… I think I left my oven on. I better go turn it off."
"Whatever you say Jerhyn. It was nice meeting you."
"Absolutely, we'll have to do it sometime."
"Excuse me?"
"Do lunch… we'll have to do lunch next time we meet…. I've gotta go."
---Fast Forward – The Docks---
"Hey there!... Wow… you're an Amazon!"
Meleezon and Divo dumped their luggage at Meshif's feet and handed him the letter.
"Yes, I am. Why the surprise?"
"Oh… nothing… no reason…really." He started to read the letter, but his eyes kept darting back to gaze on Meleezon. She shifted uncomfortably and crossed her arms.
"Well, everything seems to be in order. I'm not about to argue with an Angel and a Sultan combined now, am I? I'll take you anywhere you want. Westmarch? Scosglen? Maybe the Frozen Sea? Or perhaps you're hungry? I could jump into the water and wrestle out a shark if you like, they make great soup. Oh, back massage! I'm really good at-"
"Ah, no thanks Meshif. We just want to go Kurast. Think you can manage that?"
"Of course! No problem! Off we go!" He ran up the gang plank and started jumping all over the ship. "Hoist the decks, swab the sails, man the anchor; we're taking off men!"
Divo and Meleezon picked up their gear and dragged it up the plank.
"He's a rather excitable fellow isn't he?"
"Perhaps he likes blondes?"
"Who doesn't?" –wink-
Meshif finished giving his orders and returned to their sides.
"So are you absolutely sure there's nothing I can do for you?"
Divo smiled and fluttered her eyelashes.
"I'd love one of those massages you mentioned earlier."
"Hmm? Oh hello, have we met? My, you're a Rogue! How nice to meet you."
"Yes, my name is Divo, Sister of the Sightless Eye-"
"Yes yes Drivo, that's nice. Be a good girl and take your mistresses stuff to your bunk rooms?"
"Mistress? Girl? NICE? Why you-"
"Yes Drivo, take my stuff to our quarters chop chop."
The Rogue glared daggers at them both, but picked up the gear anyway.
"I'll give you chop chop… mumble mumble… chop chop your freakin ass overboard grumble…"
Meleezon waited till she'd entered the cabins and then turned to Meshif.
"So, I assume this ship has a bar?"
---Fast Forward – Later that Night---
"… and it turned out she was a catfish!"
"HAHAHAHAHahahahaha. Oh Meshif you're a riot!"
They were sitting in the bar, a pile of unwashed glasses rolling around on the floor below them. The gentle rocking motion of the ship made it an absolute necessity to hold your full glass in your hand at all times. Divo, still on her first pint, thought it was time she interjected.
"Hey I can tell joksh too! Who wantsh to hear a joke?"
Meshif leaned over and whispered to Meleezon behind his hand.
"You know, I've only really seen her have a few mouthfuls. Is she putting this on?"
"Nah, she's a complete lightweight. 20 gold says she'll be on the floor by the end of that pint."
"Hey are you two gonna shtop whishpering and listen to –hick- the joke?"
"Yes, Divo, tell away."
"Oh, good. Ok, there'sh thish sheagull shee… no wait maybe it's an albatrosh… no! It was a horsh! Anyway it walks into thish bar and says 'Give me a beer' and the bartender says… "Holy $hit! A talking horsh! HAHAHAHAHhahahaha…"
At which point she fell off her chair and lay snoring on the deck.
"Hah! That'll be 20 gold. She didn't even finish her drink."
Meleezon grudgedly handed over the money.
"I'm gonna get her for this when she wakes up."
"Ahhh forget it, I'm only going to use it to buy ya more drinks anyway,"
"Woo! You the Sea-man! Fill'er up!"
---Fast Forward – 17 Bottles of Beer on the Wall…---
"Oh yeah, well I betsh ya… 50 gold I can climb that wall with me lipsh!"
"You're on!"
---- 22 Bottles of Beer…---
"HAHAHA! That mug maksh the besht hat EVER!"
--- Take One Down…---
"I never wanshed to be a seaman. I wanshed to be a lumberjack! But I told my mother that… and she startsh all crying and shtuff… and Dad… well he jusht looked shoooooooo shad."
"I hear ya, I feel your pain man -sniff- … I never even knew my father!"
--- Pass It Around…---
"SHOOK ME AAALLLLLLL NIIIGGHHTT LOONNGGG YEAH SHING IT"
"WWOOOO YOU DA KARIOKE KING!"
--- 36 Bottles of Beer on the Wall---
"I... don't feel sho good. I think I'll go to bed now-"
-CLUNK- ZZZzzzZZzzzzzzzzz…
"Hahahhahahahah! You fell-"
-CLUNK- ZzzZZzzzzzzz….
---Fast Forward – The Next Morning---
-BANG BANG BANG-
"Oohhhh….. what is that god awful loud noise?"
-BANG BANG BANG-
Meleezon opened her eyes and squinted in the dimly lit bar.
"Oh, it's just my heartbeat. Guess I should be thankful I'm alive."
With a swimming mind and aching muscles, she dragged herself off the hardwood floor. Looking around at the destroyed tables and endless rows of pitchers, she already knew what kind of night it had been.
"Damn, if sailor's rum hasn't got the biggest kick. Feels like I've been trampled by Wendigoes…" she spotted Divo sprawled out still snoring, "… but at least I'm not a lightweight." The thought eased her mood abit.
Meshif was no where to be found. At least half those pitchers were his, so she assumed he should be in very much the same state as her. Wandering out onto the deck, Meleezon was greeted by pain from all sides.
"Morning! How's the head?" boomed a voice from above, while the bright sun scorched her retinas.
"Oh… please… don't talk. Why the hell are you so chirpy?"
Meshif was at the wheel, grinning widely and looking fitter then a spring chicken with A.D.D.
"Ah, you need some of Mother Meshif's Miracle Hangover Cure." He hopped down and handed her a glass of brown liquid. "That'll fix you up quick smart."
Meleezon looked at it suspiciously.
"What's… in it?"
"Never mind that, it works! Trust me."
She stirred it with her finger abit, then tasted it delicately.
"Hmm... bit fishy... but doesn't seem all that bad." She took a mouthful, then another, then finished the cup. "Hey, that wasn't bad at all!"
"Yup, octopus guts are highly under-rated."
"Octopus… guts?"
"Yes, they're one of the ingredients. Them and Pupperfish Eyeballs, Starfish Spleen, Mackerel Gullet, Whale Tongue, Crab Colon-"
"Oh my god… I'm going to throw up." Meleezon put her hand over her mouth and ran for the railings.
"… Tunafish Spinal Fluid, Dugong Doo Doo, Shark Cartilage, Anemone Antenna, Seahorse Spe-"
("SHUT UP SHUT UP! OH GOD…" –bluurrghhh-)
---Fast Forward – 2 Days Later---
"Well ladies, we're here at last. Behold; the docks of Kurast!"
Meleezon and Divo staggered off the boat and took in the sight before them.
Endless swamp. Mosquitoes. A haze of green gas covering the rundown 'huts', if they could even be called that. Worst of all, something brown and elongated floated out from under the pier they were standing on and drifted over to join other suspicious looking shapes in a unified bog pit.
Divo screwed up her nose and poked out her tongue.
"Oh man, this is GROSS! Give me sand rash any day."
Meshif suddenly looked defensive, snorting loudly.
"I'll have you know this is my homeland. The glory of Kurast is known the world over. Everyone's heard of its legendary status."
"What's it so legendary for?" asked Meleezon, "Breeding the world's biggest insects?"
"That. And having the richest source of peat."
"Ooohh!" Divo suddenly perked up. "Rich? Pete? Where? I like the sound of him. Is he related to Scott the Great by chance? Hey Meleezon, what if they were brothers? We could be set for life!"
Meshif stared at her for a long time and then spoke very slowly.
"Peat… is a form of bog moss. We have it growing all over the docks and rivers. It's very valuable."
"As what?"
"… … Ok we haven't actually worked out the details. But as soon as someone does invent a use for peat, we're going to be millionaires."
"Well I hope that dream comes true for you one day Meshif. In the meantime, perhaps you could do the tourist thing for us?"
He suddenly burst out in smiles and waved his arms wildly.
"Of course! It'd be a pleasure. Follow me; you can leave your stuff here. I'll have one of the deck hands take it to your hut."
He began to move off up the docks at a rapid pace, pointing things out and rambling some facts along the way.
"Ok, to the left we have Asheara's Guard House. She sells all sorts of gear, and also hires out mage-warriors."
"Mage warriors?" Meleezon asked inquisitively. "What are they?"
"Well, they call themselves the Iron Wolves. They use swords and shields, but rely mostly on elemental spells."
"Wow… that sounds useful, doesn't it Divo?" She looked over at her Rogue companion and grinned mischievously.
Divo's eyes opened wide and she began to turn red.
"No… way. No way in HELL am I letting you trade me in for some pooncy spellcaster after bringing me to this cesspit."
Meleezon laughed.
"Relax, jeez. I was just kidding-"
"Ladies please, we need to keep moving. Ok, now this big pyramid place here is Ormus's shop. He's the local healer, you can meet him later; he's quite a character. And further up there is Alkor's Joint. I suggest you keep away from there, he's old and a little nuts."
"Eh, that's ok. We've had to put up with Cain for the past-" Meleezon suddenly paled. "Oh… crap. We left Cain behind! In Lut Gholein!"
Divo shrugged casually.
"And that's a bad thing?"
"… That's a good point."
"And over there is the Blacksmiths HQ, owned by Hralti. No one knows exactly why he built it so far away from the rest of the businesses… I've actually heard people say they'd rather go to Hell then all the way down to visit Hralti."
"Bit dramatic, don't you think?"
"Is abit. Ok, history lesson! These are the docks, currently the last safe place in Kurast. Why? Because back when the Horadrim caught Mephisto they buried him under a big temple. And then the stupid sods that are the Zakarum thought 'Hey, that's a cool tower. Why don't we make our city around that? Nothing bad'll happen.'
So they built their big old city around the tower, refurnished it abit, turned it into the Council Chambers. They trained all the Paladins up with that 'follow the light' jazz. Then old Mephisto gets a whiff of what's going on and corrupts the council. Everything goes to $hit and before you know it the whole city is over run with Religious Zealots and obnoxious beasties. What's left of us sane people keep moving back and back, further into the jungle until we're finally at the Docks.
Me being a smart one, I nicked the only boat and took off to Lut Gholein where it was safe. But now I'm back… here… among all these people who no doubt want to kill me for leaving them stranded…"
He paused for a few seconds.
"Well, that's the tour ladies. If you need me I'll be on the boat. Over there." He pointed towards the middle of the swamp. "Hopefully out of flaming arrow range. Bye!"
Meleezon and Divo watched him race off, turban held low to cover his face.
"Right. Well I think he told us everything except the bar location."
A local with a clothes peg on his nose heard them and spoke as he walked past.
"Bar? Out of luck, little lady, there's no bar on the docks. In fact the closest you'll get to an Inn even is that over there." He pointed to a small thatched hut, half sunken in the bog.
Meleezon stood very still for a long time. Then she turned and made to run so fast Divo barely had enough time to grab her and pull her back.
"Meshif! Meshif get back here! Take me away from this dump! Dammit, Divo, let me go! I've got to get out of here!"
---Fast Forward – That Night---
"See? It's not that bad," Divo said with forced cheeriness. "I've certainly slept in worse… ish places."
Meleezon placed her backpack on the wooden planks… and watched it go tumbling away, smashing into the far wall.
"Well, that explains why the beds are nailed down. I thought the place was on a bit of a lean."
"If you can call a 25 degree angle 'a bit of a lean'. It's not hard to miss."
Meleezon sighed and crawled into bed. Unable to get comfy, she sat up and pounded her pillow hard. The hut gave a mighty groan and shifted another 5 degrees.
"Erm, I don't think you should do that. The hut owner said any sudden movements might make it sink further. He gave me a list." Divo pulled out a long piece of paper and began reading aloud. "Ahem: No sneezing. No snoring. No hopping up and down while trying to take clothes off/put clothes on. No vigorous love making-"
"OK! I get the point Divo. I don't think anything like that'll be happening in this place anyway."
"I agree. I'm pretty sure I don't snore for starters."
"… Right. Now go to sleep. We've got to find Ick the Clobberer tomorrow. Maybe he can get us better accommodation."
"Mmmm… or maybe we could just find Rich Pete…" Divo said dreamily. "I bet he's got a huge mansion. And unicorns. Mmmmm… éclairs."
Meleezon could feel herself succumbing to the gentle rocking motion of the hut as well. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd wake up and it'd all be a bad dream. Then she could go to the bar and forget all about it.
She suddenly remembered the locals' words: No bar.
Meleezon cried herself to sleep.
Next Blog: Evil, mutated Council Members? …Are they ill-tempered?
