Blog 22 – When Councilors Go Bad…

The two women shuffled into the town square looking thoroughly depressed. They hadn't slept well, and having a morning wash was way out of the question:

"Something tells me bathwater shouldn't bite you," Meleezon had said when shown a rather hostile looking tub.

They were just heading over to the pyramid to meet this Ormus character, when a blue portal suddenly opened at the square's side. With a resounding crash, a pile of metal flew through it and landed heavily on the cobblestones.

"Ouch. Damn Zealots! I'll give you something to pray about!"

The armour picked itself up, revealing a tall, dark man inside. He held a large shield and a hammer in his hands, and he looked badly dented. As he got to his feet, the visor of his helmet came down, covering his vision.

"Lo! A Zealot has blinded me! Take that, you!"

He began to swing his hammer wildly, scattering locals and pounding shrubbery. A wide swing sent him crashing to the ground again, where he lay panting.

"Fine… do with me… as you please. You have bested me."

Meleezon casually strode over and bent down beside the man's head. She pulled his visor up and looked into his face. The dark man's eyes appeared blurry. Slowly they came into focus. He saw light. Then a face. A smiling face with golden hair.

"By the gods… an Angel? That Zealot killed me quick, I felt not a thing."

"Ick? Ick the Clobberer?"

"Yes Angel. It is I. Have you come to take me to the great land beyond? The High Heavens?"

Meleezon smiled sweetly.

"Oooohh… I'm sorry, I'm afraid there's been a mix up. There is no God. Or even Heaven for that matter. I've come to take you to purgatory. You know; big empty space where you float for all eternity? You'll love it, I'm sure."

She didn't actually know it was possibly for a dark man to go pale, but somehow he managed it. Divo suddenly ran over.

"Meleezon, enough! That is SO mean! You tell him the truth right this instant or I walk! I mean it!"

Meleezon rolled her eyes. Ick blinked a few times and squinted at her.

"Meleezon… you're an Amazon, not an Angel!" He suddenly sat up looked around him. "Well I'll be! I made it through the portal after all."

Leaping to his feet, he grabbed Meleezon's shoulders roughly.

"So, you're here at last! Ew said you would be. And you're just in time. Quick! I'm engaged in a brutal war with half the Travincal as we speak! Fighting my way to the Council. You must come and help me purge the land of this evil."

Meleezon looked up at him uncertainly.

"But… I only just got here. I really don't think I'm prepared to attack the entire Corrupted Council of the Zakarum. All I've got is Bladebone, and he's getting abit blunt."

She showed Ick the axe at her belt. Ick shook his head in frustration.

"Agh! Are you sure you haven't got anything better?"

Meleezon opened her mouth to protest, when suddenly her ears filled with static.

"Muscle capacity at 47. Weapon; Soulflay, now available for use. This has been you're friendly weapon update announcer, reminding people about things they've left in their stash and forgotten about since v1.0!"

The static clicked off and Meleezon smiled.

"Apparently I do. It'd completely slipped my mind. Thank the gods for the Slick, Quick Hero Weapon Reminder."

---Fast Forward – Minutes Later---

"Ooohhhh… aaahhhh…."

The Kurast Docks locals were crowded around Meleezon as she held aloft the shiny green blade that was Soulflay. The edge dripped with poison, and she was turning it in wide arcs for all to see. Ick, perhaps a little jealous that he was getting less attention, pushed his way into the group.

"Yes, yes, ooh, ah, shiny sword. Let's go Meleezon; we have a battle awaiting."

"Alrighty! I feel like I'm ready for anything now! Lead the way!" she cried, hurrying after Ick as they ran to the portal.

---Fast Forward – Minutes Later---

"I'M NOT READY FOR THIS! I'M NOT READY FOR THIS! ICK, HELP GODDAM IT!"

Meleezon and Divo stood high up in the Travincal's centre, near the base of a sacrificial alter. Around them poured hundreds of Zealots; strange, mutated humans with tusks and very large polearms.

Killing them wasn't so hard; Meleezon could cleave two or even three with a single swing. But on the fringes of the pack stood robed creatures - sporting bad mullets, Meleezon noted - that healed the Zealots using the unholy power they now worshipped. Worse still, they could call ice bolts down from the sky that chilled the women to the bone.

Meleezon was offered some protection from Hawkmail; the green ringlets making up the suit radiated a soft, warm light, keeping her from being frozen to the spot. Divo wasn't so lucky.

"M-m-m-eleezon… I'm… s-s-s-so… cold." Divo's pitiful cry could barely be heard over the sounds of dieing monsters. She was shivering so much she could hardly nock her arrows. Meleezon was getting pushed back towards the sacrificial alter further and further, and the relentless blows of polearm blades wasn't slowing.

'This is the end', she thought grimly, 'I'm going to end up today's offering to the dark gods.' She looked over the sea of tusked heads, searching for Ick.

Divo's cry drew her attention, and she turned to see another wave of ice unleashed on her Rogue companion. Her skin was now a dark blue. As Meleezon watched, a Zealot lifted its blade high and brought it down on Divo's shoulder.

She gasped as her friend shattered into bloody ice, splashing down the steps as dark red crystals. Fury made her turn back to her attackers, revenge burning in her eyes. Soulflay flew past and terrible, slicing limbs and disemboweling all in its path. Still they came, crawling over their own dead to get to her.

A bellow above her head made her look to the sacrificial altar; Ick stood atop, hammer raised high.

"Feel the power of the Light!" he cried. And promptly slipped off the altar.

Meleezon spared a moments sympathy.

"Ick… please get up. This battle can't be won without you."

The Paladin suddenly bounded to his feet; face once again covered by the visor.

"I'm OK! I'm alright! Nothing broken." He staggered a bit. "May the gods be with me, by the Light I shall save you, Meleezon!"

He began to swing his hammer above his head and chant strange words. She watched him between Zealots, the skill with which he wielded that weapon… without hitting a single enemy.

'This is the end', the grim thought crossing her mind again.

"Huzzah!" Ick cried, and smashed his hammer upon the altar (whether he meant to do that or not is a mystery; visors really aren't the worlds best armour accessory).

From where it struck, dozens of glowing ethereal hammers spiraled out. They smashed through bone, flesh and armour, the death wails of Zealots forcing Meleezon to dive to the ground and cover her ears.

---Fast Forward---

In the orange light of a sinking sun, the altar dust began to settle. The cries of the dying could no longer be heard. Meleezon opened one eye, then another. She sat up and viewed the carnage around her. Not a single Zealot left. Even the healers lay as empty skins on the blood stained stone.

A cough made her turn. Ick was leaning against the ruins of altar; the splintered handle of his hammer in one hand. He raised the other hand slowly, and flipped up the visor. Beneath lay a bruised, but smiling, face.

"Did good, huh?"

She smiled back at him weakly.

"Did good? You did great! Although I admit I didn't have much faith."

He puffed his chest out proudly.

"I said I'd save you by the light, and I did. Just." He collapsed back into slouching again, looking somewhat exhausted. "I don't know if I have the strength to face the Council at the moment though."

Meleezon winced, feeling her own pains. Then she spotted a small pool of water. Water mixed with telltale red.

Divo.

She felt the anger building inside her again. Divo had died before, but not quite as mercilessly as she had today. The Council would pay. She heaved herself to her feet.

"We're going to the tower," Meleezon said firmly, and strode over to give Ick her hand. He took it gratefully. "We have to. Don't forget that these are the people that corrupted your way of life and forced you rebel Paladins to abandon your homeland."

She saw the anger burning in his eyes now too.

"Yeah… yeah! Damn bureaucrats!" he threw the splintered handle aside and unsheathed a sword from his belt, "Let's go kick some pencil-pushing ass!"

They bounded up the steps to the highest point, ready to charge down to the towers entrance and decimate all within. They crested the rise, looked to the courtyard below… and saw a very strange sight.

Heroes. A long line of heroes stretching from the towers entrance out into the courtyard, snaking and weaving around 3 fetid ponds. Some were queuing, some were sitting talking. Others appeared to be sleeping standing up. Barbarians, Assassins, Druids, Necros… every type of hero seemed to be lined up waiting to enter.

Meleezon and Ick looked at each other and began to walk down from the pinnacle. They headed to the end of the line, where a burly Barbarian was trying to chat up a Sorceress. The Sorceress saw them coming and seemed all too happy to welcome the distraction.

"Oh, an Amazon! And a Paladin too! Most of you guys are near the front of the queue, I'm glad I finally get to chat to some."

The Barbarian turned and gave Meleezon a sly grin.

"Aayyyy," he said, pointing his fingers, "what's a place like you doing in a girl like this?" He paused for a second and looked confused, as if he was trying to figure out his own words. The Sorceress just rolled her eyes.

"So what are you guys up to?"

Meleezon picked a piece of Zealot from Soulflay's blade.

"Oh, not much. Wiping out a cities worth of corrupted minions, almost getting killed in the process. Same ol'."

"Aaaahh… so that's what all the ruckus was about! We could hear the brawling a mile away."

"You heard us? Why didn't you come and help!"

The Sorceress looked uncomfortable.

"Well… under other circumstances we would have… but we really didn't want to lose our place in the queue." As she spoke the line shuffled up a bit. The Barb and the Sorceress seemed to panic and squashed up as far as they could.

"Alright! 7 inches that time!" the Sorceress high-fived the Barb.

Meleezon could contain her curiosity no longer.

"What the heck is going on here!"

"Oh I'm sorry, you didn't know? Well it's do to with the Council. Apparently they're against outright, uncivilized violence. They're forcing everyone to line up, take a number, fill out forms with the reasons why they wish to destroy the council, answer questionnaires… quite monotonous."

"And the heroes are just going along with it?"

The Sorceress shrugged.

"If we attack, they said we'd be in violation of The Creatures Rights Act, Section 23, Paragraph 19, where penalties include weapon confiscation, banishment and being forced to wear socks with sandals. No one believes it's a real law, but the risks sound too great to take."

Meleezon looked at the long, twisty line and snorted.

"Well we'll have to do something about this. I didn't risk my life to spend the rest of it waiting to fill out paperwork." Putting her weapons on the ground, she stripped Hawkmail off, revealing a white singlet underneath. "Hold this," she said, giving the armour to Ick. He was happy to oblige.

Now sporting nothing more then a skimpy piece off night cloth, she wandered over to one of the ponds and dipped a finger in.

"Eeewww… this is disgusting!" she said loudly. Most of the males in the queue had spotted her by now and conversation had died. She put her hands on her hips and sighed loudly.

"How AM I supposed to cool off in water like this? I really wish someone would go back to town and get some nice fresh water to splash on my hot body." She waved her hand in front of her face.

30, perhaps 40 portals opened simultaneously, and within seconds the line was testosterone free. The remaining heroes, all female naturally, smiled with delight.

"Well that was very clever of you," said the Sorceress, "I wish one of us had thought of something like that. You won't be getting rid of us women though." She looked around and frowned. "Wait… wasn't there some Assassins around before?"

Ick suddenly stepped forward.

"All you ladies that want to see my superfluous third nippel, come on over!"

A shared shriek sent the women clamouring through the portals. Very soon Meleezon and Ick were left all alone.

"Well that solves that… do you really have three nippels?"

Ick just smiled. Waving his hand in the direction of the portals, he muttered some words.

"Portalus Sealoverus."

The portal obeyed, closing up and disappearing from sight. "There, that should buy us some time. But I suggest we face this council quick before the guys work out how to get back and give you the world's biggest bath."

Nodding in agreement, Meleezon followed him up the tower steps.

---Fast Forward---

"What the hell does my weight have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question please; it's vital to the process."

Meleezon and Ick now stood in front of a long desk. Behind the desk sat some of the most grotesque looking humans they'd ever seen. Only their right sides from the armpit down to the leg displayed that they were once men, the rest was covered in grey, lumpy deformities. They're faces were twisted into bitter, toothy visages.

Three members sat at the desk, obviously the Chief Councilors, their name tags reading 'Ismail', 'Toorc' and 'Geleb'. A small number of lower level minions stood motionless behind them. They were currently being addressed by Geleb, who was going through a questionnaire with them.

"Now, you mean to tell me that your reason for requesting an all out battle with us is to purge the land of our corruption and eventually destroy the Lord Mephisto?"

"Yes."

The Council burst into roars of laughter.

"That's pathetic! What, no fame? Glory? Cash? Women… or men in your case. Your reasons are… disgustingly noble."

"Thanks."

"That's not a complement. Please come back in 2 to 3 business weeks when you've got your priorities straight. Next!"

The 3 Head Councilors immediately went back to their paperwork. Meleezon and Ick stood unmoving. After a few minutes had past, Geleb glanced up at them over his spectacles.

"What? Does the concept of 'go away' elude your feeble minds?"

"We're here to kill you guys, and we're not leaving till that's achieved."

"I'm sorry, that'd be in violation of-"

"We don't care what we violate, dammit!"

The councilors went silent and peered at their advisories suspiciously.

"And what will you do if we don't comply?"

"This!" yelled Ick. With an impressive martial art side kick, his foot smashed into a nearby file cabinet. It exploded open, sending papers flying in all directions. The Council Minions gasped, a look of disbelief and shock on their twisted faces. The Chiefs sat motionless.

"How… dare you!" said Ismail at last.

"Those were organised by name, date AND blood type!" screamed Toorc, "It'll take me years to sort them all out again!"

"Sort this!" Meleezon swung Soulflay high and smashed the desk clean in half. Questionnaires and ticket numbers joined other fluttering paperwork. The three chiefs jumped into action, sparks literally leaping from their fingertips.

"That does it! We will not stand by idly while you destroy year's worth of hard work and pointless forms. We're going…" Geleb paused dramatically, "ON STRIKE!"

The minions gasped again. Meleezon covered her mouth and looked surprised.

"You wouldn't!" she said with faux concern.

"We would! And not only that, we're going to send you FORMAL COMPLAINTS! Signed none-the-less. You're really in the doodie now. Minions!" Toorc motioned to the waiting members behind him, "Bring me the forms to fill out to acknowledge we are about to engage in postal war."

Meleezon and Ick looked at each other.

"Oh no! What'll we do? I know, let's kill them before anyone hears about our reckless actions."

The Councilors, suddenly realizing they may have made critical errors, began to back away.

"Erm… well maybe we can waver the formal complaints. And I spose it won't take long for us to right the filing." The others nodded in agreement.

Meleezon and Ick advanced.

"Wait! C'mon! We were just kidding! We'll give you anything you want!"

"Oh yes? What do you have to offer?"

Geleb looked around and snatched at something lying on the floor.

"Pencil?" he offered weakly, "No wait, stapler! Used officially by Mephisto, I swear!"

Meleezon shook her head.

"Time to sign off boys."

Geleb sighed and dropped the pencil.

"Dammit. This is all your fault Ismail. I told you we should have moved to a small tax free island somewhere."

---Fast Forward – Carnage Later---

Meleezon rested against a pillar and watched the delicate pieces of paper wafting about. The floor was a mess of red stained questionnaires, but at least it'd make the clean up easier. Ick was busy rifling through one of the undestroyed filing cabinets.

"…Froad Fungus… Gonaherpes: The Silent Killer… Hispanic Literacy Tests… Igloos For Dummies… Jungle Jiving Made Easy… Khalim – whoa! Meleezon check this out!"

From the filing draw he pulled a medium sized 3-tailed mace. At the end of each tail was a small locket in the shape of a human organ; a heart, a brain and an eye. Ick swung it about abit and succeeded in bashing his wrists severely.

"Eh, you take it. I have no use for the bloody thing." He tossed it to Meleezon who examined it for a few seconds, then shoved it into her back pack.

"So what'll we do now? Go back to the docks? I imagine people will want to start moving back into the city now the council has gone."

"Not quite yet," said Ick grimly, "The lower levels of Kurast will still be crawling with creatures, and Mephisto still lurks in the towers depths."

"Well, why don't we go kill him?"

He shook his head.

"Not that easy. The tower has been sealed for as long as I can remember. By that." He pointed to glowing orb on a pedestal near a far wall. "That keeps the pathway to below shut as long as it's intact. And as far as I know, there's no one left who remembers how to destroy it."

He sighed softly.

"I'm going to stay here Meleezon. Clean out the area and hopefully restore some order. The other heroes will be back soon and that'll make the clean up a lot quicker. Perhaps we'll meet again when you've found a way to break into the tower."

Meleezon nodded understandingly and opened her portal.

"Don't be long" she heard him call after her, as she stepped through and disappeared.

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