Blog 23 – Cannibalism is Highly Under-Rated

"I… can't… TAKE IT!"

It'd been three days since the assault on the Council Chambers. Now Meleezon and a newly resurrected Divo stood outside Ormus' Pyramid impatiently. Every inch of exposed flesh was covered in bug bites. Divo had taken to gnawing on her arm to relieve the itch, earning her some odd looks as well as a bad taste in her mouth.

A bald man came to the door of the pyramid and looked at his time piece. Watching it carefully, he lifted up the "Closed" sign and began to turn it around.

"Yes!" Divo sighed with relief.

Ormus flipped the sign around.

"Almost Open," it read.

"No!" Divo said in despair.

Still looking at his time piece, the bald man finally flipped the sign over once more.

"Open"

"Hooray!"

Divo burst through the doorway, Meleezon strolled in casually behind.

"Ormus greets you! Ormus sees you've met the local wildlife. Would you like Ormus to give you some lotion for that?"

Divo threw herself at his feet.

"Please, if you have anything that can relieve this itch, get it now." Seeing amusement in the mans eyes, she scowled and added;

"Before I break open that shiny dome of yours like a rotten egg."

He gulped and took a step back.

"O-o-rmus will be r-r-ight back," he stammered, scurrying off into a back room.

Meleezon looked impressed.

"Looks like some of my charm is rubbing off on you."

Another man suddenly came into the shop.

"Excuse me, have you seen Ormus? I have a really bad pain in my chest and –"

Divo lunged forward and grabbed the man by the scruff of his robe, lifting him off the ground. She pulled his face very close to hers.

"If you delay the itch relief so help me I rip your heart out myself. Now kindly crawl away and cardiac arrest somewhere else."

She dropped the man, who immediately ran away whimpering, and Meleezon raised an eyebrow.

"… Or is it possible someone got a few bug bites in undesirable places?"

Divo looked at her with pleading eyes.

"The itch… it's killing me… can't scratch… must… scratch."

Ormus suddenly came out with a small vial in his hand.

"Here. Put this on the bites, it'll sooth the itch. But don't put-"

Divo snatched it from his hands.

"Thank GOD! I'll be back in a second," she cried, running to the ladies room.

Ormus began jumping up and down in distress.

"No no no! She didn't listen to Ormus! She's going to screw it up!"

"What do you mean?"

"She didn't stay long enough for Ormus to tell her; don't put too much on. The ointment doubles as camouflage cream. More then a thin layer will activate chameleon properties in the skin."

"… You mean she'll blend in with her environment?"

"In theory. Ormus hasn't worked it all out yet. At the moment all it does is change colour with emotions."

"Uh oh. So in other words we're going to see how she's feeling through her skin colour?"

"Correct. 'Emotion Lotion' we have nicknamed it. Ormus sells it to disgruntled couples who fear their partner is cheating. Also help identify who has the bad gas."

"… This place is beginning to amuse me."

Divo suddenly came bounding out of the ladies room.

"I'm back! Oh that feels so much better."

Meleezon watched as her Rogue companion's skin changed to a pale blue. Her mouth opened in awe. Divo picked up on the surprised look, and the silence settling around her.

"What? WHAT? Did I tuck my skirt into my undies again?" She changed colour to a hot pink. Meleezon couldn't help but giggle.

"Erm… I think we need to have a chat with Ormus here."

--- Fast Forward – 20 Minutes Later---

"So that's it. Either wash it off and go itchy, or put up with changing colours every time you feel different."

It was no contest.

"Changing colours I can handle for a day. The itch… that's another thing."

"Well then! Ormus is glad all is good. Please don't hesitate to look at Ormus's other goods. Special shampoo; change hair any colour you want! Also doubles as delouser!"

"Thanks, Ormus, I think we'll be right."

Satisfied and less itchy, the duo left the pyramid.

"Hey Meleezon, do you want some?"

"No… the itch doesn't bother me all that much. I grew up in a jungle remember? The bugs there are so big if they bite you in your sleep your likely to wake up minus an arm."

"… We aren't close enough friends that I'll have to come and visit you one day, are we?"

"No, I think I'd prefer to visit your Monastery anyway."

"Phew."

They silently walked down the rickety walkway and stood at the sinking gates.

"You know, one day we're really going to have to go out there," Divo said thoughtfully, looking at the dark, dripping jungle beyond.

Meleezon nodded in agreement.

"You're right. And I think today is the day. My Zon-Senses are tingling; something important is out there."

Divo looked at her curiously.

"Are you sure it's not just that time of month?"

"No. I'm positive. If it was you'd be dead right about now."

"Oh…" Divo turned a light yellow, indicating her nervous fear.

"Get your bow; we'll meet back here in 10 minutes."

--- Fast Forward – 10 Minutes Later ---

"All ready- whoa! What is with your colour now?"

Divo looked at her arms in surprise. They were a dark purple.

"Oh! Erm… I have no idea what causes that… maybe it's just the thought that we're about to go into a deep, dark, monster infested jungle rife with leeches and snakes and other unidentified creatures ready to drain our life away."

"Or perhaps it's that brown thing stuck to your shoe?"

"… I was reeeaaaalllly hoping you wouldn't notice that."

--- Fast Forward – Hours Later ---

"Eh, how's the tingle going? Has it tingled once since we left? Was there even a tingle? What the HELL are we doing in this jungle, you crazy blonde bimbo!"

Meleezon turned towards her Rogue companion in utter shock.

"You really don't like the jungle, do you, Divo?"

"How can you tell?" Divo was currently an amber colour, obviously annoyed.

The locals had told them the part of the jungle outside the docks was called "The Spider Forest" but so far that hadn't seen a single arachnid. Giant mosquitoes, goo belching frogs, but no spiders. The long twisting river they had been told to follow apparently led all the way to Kurast, and it was a much easier route then going into the jungle on either side of it.

"Wait," said Meleezon suddenly. She put her hand up to stop Divo's movements.

"Wha-"

"Sshhh. The tingle. It's coming this way."

To Divo's surprise, Meleezon seemed to slip into the shadows of the jungle and disappear completely.

"How… what… Meleezon where'd you go?"

"I'm right here," she heard the whispered reply. "I'm just blending in. Every Amazon knows how to do it."

"But I don't!" A loud growl not far away told her whatever Meleezon was hiding from was getting closer. "Help! I can't hide."

There was silence for a few seconds, then:

"Divo, Scott the Great sent me a letter yesterday."

"Really!"

"Yeah. He said he wants to take me away to his big mansion where we can eat éclairs and ride unicorns all day long."

"WHAT? That's so unfair! I am SO JEALOUS!" Divo's skin immediately turned a dark green. Meleezons hand shot out and grabbed her, pulling her into the undergrowth.

"There you see? All camouflaged." They waited silently, listening to the chirps of insects around them.

Suddenly, a creature lumbered into view. It looked like a gorilla; the hunched back, walking on its knuckles, but the face and skin was clearly reptilian. Spines covered it all over and large protruding teeth dripped with drool. It stopped not far from the women's hiding spot and began to sniff around.

"That's… your tingle?" Divo whispered in disgust.

"Seems like it. Look; its hand."

The creature held a small bag in its left hand, which obviously once belonged to a human. This was easier to tell because the creature had never bothered to remove the owner's arms from the straps. Ape-boy sniffed around a bit longer, then sat down heavily.

"Are we going to kill him?"

"I assume so. I want to know what's in that bag. Give him a few more minutes though; it looks like he's preparing for a nap or something."

Sure enough, the big lizard-apes eyes began to droop. Its head slouched forward on its chest. A few minutes later, its breathing began to get rhythmic and short. It was snoring.

"Ok…" Meleezon appeared out of the shadows and began to creep towards the beast. "I'm going to try and take the bag very carefully. You cover me; if he wakes up, be a good hireling and through your body at it. I'll escape while his busy chewing on your corpse."

"Or perhaps I could just shoot it with my bow?"

"Sure, if you want to do it the boring way."

Meleezon crept closer, watching the sleeping beast's face closely. Its eyes were definitely closed. Flies buzzed around its drooling jaws, where she could see ragged bits of flesh hanging from the teeth. It lifted its arm subconsciously to swat them away.

"Almost… little closer…" she reached the bag and began to carefully pry it from the creatures grip. He only held it by the strap, which made it easier to slip through the big claws. Inch by inch… carefully… until –

Meleezon slipped the bag free and grinned.

"Well, that was easy enough," she whispered. She started to undo the straps to open it and found the arm got in the way. Wrinkling her nose, she untangled it and threw it over her shoulder.

"Hey, Divo, catch."

Unfortunately for her, Divo had been looking in the other direction, and upon turning at the sound of her name, received a face full of rotting fist.

"AARRGHHHHH!" she screamed, swatting the dismembered limb away.

With a start the lizard-ape leapt to its feet. Still half-asleep and slightly confused, it swung its body around, looking for the source of the noise. It spotted the two women and halted in surprise.

"RRARRGHH!" it bellowed, jaw open wide.

"AAHHHH!" replied the wiomen.

"AARRRR!"

"AAHHHHH!"

"ARRGGG-" and then both parties turned and fled.

---Fast Forward – A Long Way Down Stream ---

-Huff huff puff- "Ok… I think we've lost him now."

They looked over their shoulder just to make sure. Meleezon leaned against a tree, still holding the bag tight.

"Yeah… actually I don't think he was following us even. I think we scared him as much as he scared us." She looked down at the bag she was still carrying. "Let's see what we risked our lives for anyway."

Carefully undoing the clips, Divo came in closer as she lifted up the flaps. Pausing for a second, Meleezon reached in and pulled out…

A small, naked man made of jade.

"What… the hell?" Divo said. Her skin when a dark red. She was pissed.

"Oh don't worry, just cause I can't change colour, doesn't mean I'm not as mad as you are. But before we go off on a rant, perhaps we should go back to town and ask around? Maybe someone likes having little naked jade men on their bedside table."

--- Fast Forward – Back in Town ---

The marketplace was a buzz of activity. Situated just across the swamp from the blacksmith, Meleezon had not yet visited this area (or the blacksmith for that matter). Everything from Fresh Squeezed Froad Juice to Mozzy Marinade was being sold here. After a brief scout around, Meleezon spotted the antiquities store.

Smiling sweetly, she strode over to the merchant and plonked the small jade figurine on the bench.

"How much you reckon this is worth?" she asked.

The merchant, who had been busily filling out tax forms (as always) looked up in surprise. His eyes went from the figure, followed up her arm and rested…

"Hey, buddy, the figurine. You don't need to price those."

The merchant coughed.

"Apologies. Ahem, let's have a look." He picked up the figurine and studied it. "Hhmmm… aahhh! Yes, very interesting."

Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"You can quit the 'ooh ahh' routine, I have a friend that usually does this for me; I know the drill."

The merchant sat the jade man back on the table.

"Worthless," he scoffed. "Not to mention tacky. I'll give you 200 gold for it, max, but I'll tell you now; only someone completely devoid of taste and pride would ever want to own something like -"

"NNNNOOOOOOOO!" A scream erupted from the other side of the market place. Running full pelt with his turban trailing, Meshif came hurtling across the square. "Don't do it!"

In a dive pro footballers would have hired him on the spot for, Meshif flew over the desk and grabbed the figurine in his hands. Unfortunately his flight didn't end there, and he barreled into the merchant, knocking him, his stool and the rest of the store down.

After a few minutes of tangled limbs and harsh language, Meshif emerged triumphant, cuddling his prize.

"Oh, sweet figurine, where for art thou been?"

Meleezon screwed up her nose in disgust.

"What on Sanctuary's gotten into you Meshif?"

Meshif stopped his grinning and looked at the confused women.

"Oh… Meleezon, yes I spose this does deserve an explanation. You see, I'm a collector of these," he pointed to the jade man, "and this is the last of the set. I finally outbid everyone for it on Med-Ebay, just before I left for Lut Gholein. Then the owner started claiming he didn't have it anymore. Something about a big ape ripping his arm off… I don't know, but I sure gave him some negative feedback heh heh."

"Ooook then. So now you have your tacky collection complete, what are you going to give me for it?"

Meshif raised an eyebrow.

"Uuummm… oh! I have the perfect thing; I'll be back in 10 minutes."

--- Fast Forward – 10 Minutes Later ---

"You know, he probably isn't coming back, Meleezon."

"Shut up, Divo."

--- Fast Forward – 10 Minutes Later ---

"I'm back! Sorry it took so long. I turned the whole ship inside out looking for it, and finally found it at the bottom of my dirty underwear basket."

He presented a golden bird, wings open as if it was about to take off.

"It's one of a kind."

Meleezon took it and turned it over.

"And just as tacky as the jade man," she added. "Well, it is made of gold; I guess I could trade it in for a decent weapon or something."

She turned to the merchant, who had finished rebuilding his stall and was finally sitting down to resume business.

"Hey merchant, what would you trade me for-"

"NNNOOOOOOOOO!"

A second cry rang out across the market. An old man, perhaps in his late 70's, came flying out of nowhere and crash tackled the bird from Meleezon's hands. Again, the stall was the final destination, and it's possible the merchant invented some new curse words.

"Oh, for god's sake, what is it this time?" Meleezon helped the old man out of the wreckage. He was puffing heavily.

"Oh, I am so very lucky I caught you before you sold it. This bird is unique; one of a kind –"

"I know what unique means."

"Of course you do. But you see, this bird is different. It holds something special."

He pulled the bird's beak, and a small tray under its feet popped open. Everyone peered in, expecting treasure and jewels. A group sigh was shared when they saw the contents.

"This is the cremation urn of the mage Ku Y'leh. I've read a lot into this. It is said he was searching for the secret to eternal life, and apparently the secret isn't going around trying to get samples from large angry reptiles."

"I see," said Meleezon, who didn't. "This is all very fascinating, but it doesn't explain why you went to such an effort to stop me trading it."

The old man shook his head.

"Oh, it is special, wonderful things! Come to 'Alkors Pot Shop' on the other side of town in 20 minutes, and I'll explain further."

Alkor pottered off, and Divo perked up.

"You know, he's probably not going to be ther-"

"Divo, shut up."

--- Fast Forward – 20 Minutes Later ---

"Ah, you're here! Come in! Come in!"

Meleezon and Divo stepped gingerly into the run down potion store. It was crammed full of junk, probably all ingredients for Alkor's strange smelling concoctions.

The old man himself was standing behind a work desk completely covered in intricate apparatuses. He had a metal head band on, from which a large magnifying lens covered one eye. To his left sat a fat cauldron bubbling with a strange liquid.

"Here, look what I've made!"

He gestured to the cauldron with pride. Taking a vial from the work bench, he dipped it into the liquid, then offered it Meleezon. The stuff inside swirled and changed colour from green to red constantly. Meleezon moved over and took it in her hand suspiciously.

"What… is this?"

Alkor grinned.

"Well, with the help of some ancient texts and a copy of this month's Cosmedievil Cooking Monthly, I've made a life potion from the ashes inside the bird!"

Meleezon's mouth opened in shock and she quickly handed it back.

"It's brewed HUMAN!"

"Yes. What's so strange about that?"

"No one's going to want that! You're not supposed to DRINK people."

Alkor sighed.

"Oh. Well I guess you won't be wanting any then. Pity. Could have helped you a lot in your journeys. I mean, who doesn't want a bit of extra life. Never mind. I'll just sell it to some rapscallions I guess."

Meleezon nodded.

"You do just that, cause I'll be damned if I'm drinking it."

She turned to leave.

"Oh, look at this! How did this get here?"

Meleezon turned back to see what the old man was talking about. He held a frothy mug of beer in his hand.

"My my, what a lovely beer this is. Would you like some?"

She took a step forward.

"B…b…beer?" her mouth was beginning to water.

"Yes. Mmmmmm lovely beer- OOPS! Oh dear! Silly me I just poured the entire vial of life potion in there. How clumsy I am."

She saw his evil grin, the strange potion swirling within the beers depths. The bubbles called to her. It was too hard to resist.

"Must… have… beer."

"That's right. It's all yours. Drink up."

Meleezon took the brew in her hands, as if in a trance, and drank it down. Divo grimaced and turned bright green.

"Ewww… Meleezon, you just drank a guy! Although… I'm willing to bet you've probably done worse in the past."

Meleezon put down the mug and burped loudly.

"Aaahhh… that beer had a real body to it. Best I've had!"

Alkor smiled.

"You're welcome. And don't worry about payment; it was through your help that I managed to get hold of the bird, and now we have the power to heal anyone on the docks that falls ill or gets injured. Plus if you let me keep the gold bird I'll call it even."

"For beer that good, I would have traded you Divo."

"Hey!"

"Kidding… (seriously I would have)"

The old man waved them away.

"I'm glad I could help. Now I must go about bottling the potion for civilian consumption. Please leave me to my work. Goodbye."

Meleezon and Divo turned and walked out.

"Best… beer… ever," Meleezon was heard mumbling. Then she coughed and spat something out. "Yuck, bone."

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