Blog 24 - HistoriZon: Journals of a Large Rodent

Meleezon stumbled into the town square still disorientated and rubbing sleep from her eyes. She spotted Divo on the edge of the crowd and wandered over.

"What the hell is all the noise about? I was getting half decent sleep for once."

Divo grabbed her arm excitedly.

"Oh they found something - someONE - in the ocean. They've pulled him out, alive, but barely."

Meleezon grimaced.

"Great. And I see you've washed the Emotion Lotion off."

"Yeah, the itch has stopped now. I've kept the tub though in case we need it later."

Suddenly a voice rose from the crowd.

"Ok people, step back, give him some room."

Warning bells went off in Meleezon's head.

"Him? Oh no, don't tell me. Oh god it can't be, please tell me it's not-"

"Cain!" Divo cried when the old man stumbled out from among all the people. "It is you! How are you?" She made to give him a hug; "You look-" and saw the state he was in; "-wet."

Cain did indeed look worse for wear. His robe was tattered and water logged, an octopus had taken up residency in one pocket, and his bald head had become home to a host of barnacles and crustaceans. Again, he looked as if he'd aged a good few years. ("350 now?" Divo pondered later.)

Meleezon sighed.

"Oh, Cain, you didn't do what I think you did, did you?"

He looked over at the sound of her voice, and smiled broadly.

"Meleezon! I made it after all!" then he stood tall. "Indeed I did, I-"

"Swam all the way here from Lut Gholein." Meleezon shook her head. "I can't believe it. Honestly, who would do that by their own free will?"

Cain looked unsettled.

"Well, actually this time it wasn't my choice. Apparently the people of Lut Gholein didn't like me bathing in their well very much, so one night when I was sleeping they packed me into a ship, sailed out to the middle of the ocean and dumped me overboard. I woke up, cold and wet, and figured since I was already halfway there I might as well swim the rest of the way to Kurast."

Meleezon looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Cain... why? Why?"

He shrugged.

"What else could I do? Wait around for the sharks and fishes to nibble me to death? Besides, I figured you might need my help again. I know a lot about Kurast."

Meleezon stood firm, her hands on her hips.

"No, I don't. Everything is going smooth and to plan, no problems what so-"

"We're stuck," interrupted Divo. "Meleezon and Ick managed to defeat the Council, but they can't get into the temple to take on Mephisto. There's something called the Compelling Orb sealing it."

Cains eyes widened.

"Great Scott -"

"Where?"

"- the Compelling Orb! I completely forgot about it! Yes... yes of course. This calls for the Tale of Khalim! Gather around everyone."

Some people in the crowd looked at the saturated old man quizzingly.

"Us?"

"Yes you too."

"But we have things to do."

"Stay awhile and listen. C'mon!"

"But we don't want -"

"SIT DOWN OR I'LL ASS WHOOP EVERY ONE OF YOU!"

--- Fast Forward - 4 Hours Later ---

The townspeople applauded Cain as he finished his tale, then hurriedly dispersed before he started another one. As much as they enjoyed his story, they had families to feed. Cain looked worn out.

"I hope you got all that, because I'm not repeating it."

Meleezon snored loudly. Divo gave her a hard shove.

"Huh, what? Scott, is that you?"

"Oh, Meleezon, you're hopeless. Lucky for you I listened well. I'll give you a quick run down."

"Ok..."

"Ok! Well after the Compelling Orb was made and the Council was corrupted, only the High Priest Khalim remained unswayed by Mephisto's hatred. He had the power to break the orb and destroy the Hell Lord, but before he could, the Council chopped him up into little bits and hid them all over Kurast. Luckily Cain knows where they hid the bits."

"Oh. Lucky."

"Yeah. His eye is in the lair of some reealllyy nasty ancient spiders -"

"What...?"

" - his brain is guarded by the Witch Doctor of a enormous group of nasty flesh eating midgets, deep in a trap filled dungeon -"

"What?"

" - and his heart is in the depths of the Kurast sewers."

"WHAT?" Meleezon leapt to her feet. "There is NO WAY I'm doing ANY of those things. Sewers? Once was enough! Spiders? I'm ARACHNOPHOBIC! And flesh hungry midgets? ... well them I could probably handle. But the rest is bullcrap!" She crossed her arms, pouted and stomped a foot. "I won't do it."

Cain crossed his arms too.

"Young lady, you'll do as you're told! The future of Kurast depends on you!"

"I won't."

"You will!"

"I won't! I hate you, I hate you!" She stomped around a bit. "Wait... I need a door to slam. No tantrum is complete without a door slam." She spotted Ormus's Pyramid and stormed over.

-SLAM-

"Ow! Ormus's nose! Ormus thinks you broke his nose!"

"Oops. Sorry Ormus."

--- Fast Forward - Later ---

"Ok OK! I'm packed already. Anything to stop the 'fate of the world in your hands' crap."

"Good," said Divo sternly. "First stop; Spider Cavern." Divo suddenly froze and stared straight ahead. "Hey Meleezon," she pointed, "who're they?"

Meleezon followed Divo's finger until her eyes rested on two strange figures.

It was another Amazon; the familiar blonde hair and... assets making her sure of that. The other was an Amazon male, but he was wearing the attire of a Necromancer. Both their clothes were coloured a brownish-green, and they stood straight and rigid as if awaiting orders. They had been talking softly to each other before Divo had pointed them out; now they were staring suspiciously.

"You!" the female said suddenly, "You vill identify yourself, now!"

Meleezon recognized the accent immediately. It all clicked. The clothing, the posture, the manner of speech. She rolled her eyes and slapped her forehead.

"Oh no. First Cain, now them? Could this day get any worse?"

Divo looked at her sideways.

"Them?" she asked.

Meleezon watched the two walking towards them and sighed.

"They're Amazons. Even the male. But not from the same tribe as me. They are different; different people, different beliefs, different part of the island. They are... the Gerbils."

"Gerbils? Huh? I don't get it. Tell me!"

"Are you kidding? That'd take longer then Cain, and they've almost reached us already."

"Well use the flashback thingy."

"What?"

"The flashback thingy. Make everything go all wavy."

"... That could work. How do I do it? Hmmm... wait what does this -"

--- Flashback - Amazon Isles ---

Long ago, the Amazons all lived in one unified tribe. They did this peacefully... for about 3 weeks. Then, obvious cracks began to form in the community; those who liked men, and those who liked castrating men. It became apparent that harmony was impossible.

A small group of Amazons took the men and retreated to the western part of the island. There they formed a society of their own, one where men were allowed to become whatever they wanted. Doctors, librarians, Necromancers... it was atrocious. Everyone in the main tribe knew they wouldn't last long, and they were right.

Slowly, the rebel tribe began to dwindle as the men got to lazy to take out the trash or wash daily. Women were so busy fetching beer they had no time to hunt food for their families.

But then something strange happened.

One day, on a beach not far from the rebel tribe, a box washed ashore. On top of the box, starved and close to death, was a rodent. As he was rather cute, they decided to help the poor bedraggled thing and proceeded to take him into their care.

Inside the box, the tribe elders found what is assumed to be the rodents belongings; a running wheel, 2 empty bags of millet, an autographed photo of one 'Satan', and a large bundle of books, labels on the front reading "Journals of Hamster/Damenphis".

The rodent had a name. Curious to know more, the elders delved into the journals, eager to uncover the secrets within:

-----

Damenphis, it seemed, was a demon from another world. Another dimension in fact; where he once served his own Hell Lord. But one fateful day, Damenphis accidentally put milk instead of cream in his Dark Lords coffee, a mistake that cost him his demonic position.

As punishment, his Lord banished him to the real world; a place much like Sanctuary where men and women also existed. There his twisted soul found and inhabited a body, and when Damenphis awakened he found himself within...

A rodent. Or to be more precise; a Hamster. Dismayed, Damenphis learned his owner was a worker at an Art Gallery, a place so boring that the only time it would be worth looking at was when it was burning down. Damenphis withdrew into himself, saddened and alone, and prepared for an eternity pooping in a sand box.

However, one day, while running in his wheel, divine inspiration struck. Though he was a rodent, he was a larger-then-normal-immortal-rodent, and he still maintained a lot of his demonic powers. Evil plans began to form in his mind as he chewed on a corn cob. Plans... for world domination.

Over the course of many months, Hamster/Damenphis snuck into his owners bedroom and used his powers of persuasion to fill the humans mind with thoughts as he slept. He spoke of fame, power, glory, and all you can eat buffets. The world could be his. Slowly, the man's grasp of reality began to slip, and he found himself believing the voice in his dreams.

Realising that the will of one man might not be enough, Hamster called upon his smaller rodent cousins, the gerbils. After extensive training, the gerbils were released all over the surrounding country side to spread Hamsters word to the people.

The diaries from this point till the final book detailed the Great War that ensued once Hamsters 'master' gathered his army and rose up against the world. Damenphis had a large hand in this; detailed battle plans and military tactics littered the journals, ready to be recited into his owner's ear when he slept.

The last journal, however, detailed Hamsters ultimate downfall:

As the years droned on, it became apparent that Hamster's puppet - although his confidence was great - was beginning to weaken. The battles were slipping from his grasp, and his fellow people doubting his cause. In a last ditch effort to save the plan, Damenphis revealed himself to the unsuspecting human. Shocked beyond belief that the voice he'd been following all this time was in fact his pet, the man promptly shot himself.

Thus, the war was lost and the phrase 'oops' coined all in one day.

Unfortunately for H/D, the troubles didn't end there. One of his gerbil cousins betrayed him for 5 bags of grain and a bottle of golden syrup, and suddenly everyone from Demon Hunters to Pest Control was out for his furry little behind.

Seeing no other choice, Hamster packed his belongings and with the help of his demonic powers (and some willing gerbil virgins) he opened a gateway into another dimension. He entered, never to return.

And fell straight into an ocean.

---

The rogue tribe's elders finished the journals in shock. There, in their very camp, was a furry demon capable of world domination. There in their own camp... was the chance they'd been waiting for.

When Hamster had recovered sufficiently enough, they questioned him on the journals authenticity. He claimed every word was true. There was much rejoicing around the camp and with hopeful hearts they asked him to be their leader, which he promptly accepted.

Very little is known about what the tribe did after that, as they severed all connections with the outside word. When they eventually made themselves known, they had changed dramatically.

They had undergone rigorous military training and were highly skilled and disciplined. Their attire had changed to a camouflaged green colour, and they had even adopted the language and accent of hamster's previous home. They also had a new name; The Gerbils, after the cousins that played such a vital role in Hamsters previous world domination attempt.

News traveled quickly of the Gerbils ambitions, and all over the world lands readied themselves for an impending attack. The people waited posed, ready to defend at all costs.

But no attack came.

Intelligence says that Hamster/Damenphis grew accustomed to the high life, growing fat on the foods provided by his village. His ambitions shrank from conquering the world, to claiming the Amazon Isles, to annexing tonight's roast chicken without choking on any bones.

The tribes status shrank from "Terrifying Demon Ruled Military Society" to "Slightly Intimidating Obese-Hairball Ruled Minions". The world feared Hamster no more.

Then the Three were exiled from Hell, the Horadrim started their holy campaign to right the wrong, and the Amazons were all but forgotten.

--- End Flashback - Kurast Docks ---

"And that's the tale of Hamster/Damenphis and the Gerbils," finished Meleezon.

"Woooooowww.." said Divo, wide eyed, "A talking Hamster! I want one!"

"Divo, it was possessed! Call me crazy but I don't fancy having a demon as a pet, no matter how cute and cuddly he is."

"Guten Tag. Now, I ask you again; vhat is your name?"

Meleezon had almost forgotten about the pair that had started the whole history flashback. Now they stood in front of her, clipped and at attention. Divo gulped and hid slightly behind Meleezon. The male Gerbil narrowed his eyes.

"You vill answer zee question, or face zee wrath of the followers of Hamster."

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