A/N: So this is a tongue in cheek therapy session: a What If It's You? What if... scenario. What if Jane did go the last softball game and got hit on the head by a foul ball? I have no idea if this is funny at all, but I hope it makes some one laugh just a little bit.
Doctor Gloria Levinson motioned for Jane and Maura to find a seat in her office. Closing the door behind them, she watched as they sat down close to one another on the couch, hand's entwined. Her face remained welcoming as she took her seat in the armchair across from them. She liked couples to be comfortable and she found when she was comfortable so were her clients. She crossed her legs at the knee and adjusted her glasses. This was the first time Jane had wanted to bring Maura along, and aside from that there were a couple of glaringly obvious changes.
"Before we get started, I just have to ask, what happened with your hair?" She thought she'd ask about the safer change first to warm Jane up.
Jane glared at Maura, who had the decency to stifle the chuckle that wanted to escape her lips, before addressing Doctor Levinson. "I am so happy you asked that Doctor, it's why Maura is here today."
"Oh really? Please elaborate."
"It all started last weekend when Maura asked me to go to a softball game with her. I had been feeling apathetic for a couple of days and so I decided I should make an effort. I should have stayed in bed." Jane exhaled exaggeratedly, and shook her head a moderate amount just thinking about the week she'd had. "The game was nearly over and so I left the bleachers to go and buy some refreshments…"
Maura couldn't stifle the giggle this time.
Jane rolled her eyes, "When you're ready, Maura!"
Maura's eyes sparkled with mirth, but recognising the baby tantrum Jane would throw if she didn't quieten down she made a key locking motion in front of her lips and then threw the imaginary key over her shoulder.
Satisfied Jane returned her attention to Doctor Levinson and said, "So there I was standing, minding my own business when out of nowhere, thwap, I'm on my ass faster than a hooker in a pay by the hour motel."
"Jane!" Maura admonished, before once again making the key motion.
Jane nodded in Maura's direction, "You see what I have to live with?"
Doctor Levinson simply smiled and nodded, at this stage she was invested, she just had to know how all this ended with a brand new hair style. "So you were knocked over by someone, or?"
The face Jane pulled was absurdly serious when she quite bluntly said, "No, my ex hit a softball at my head."
"Jane!" Maura interrupted again, before turning to address Doctor Levinson and clear up the details Jane was leaving out. "Melissa simply hit an accidental foul ball that flew over the fence, and hit Jane in the head. The important thing to remember here is that it was accidental."
"Potato - Potahto, Maura."
Doctor Levinson scribbled a few things down on her notepad. Looking up she smiled and said, "Please continue."
"Right, so there I am sprawled out on the ground, blinded by the sun and somehow, the first person to reach down and offer me a hand up is Gabby, and now Doc you know I'm not the biggest fan of Gabby."
"That would be putting it politely," Doctor Levinson agreed.
"Yeah so clearly this ball damaged my brain because she helps me up and all I can do is stare."
Maura shook her head and gave Jane a friendly pat on the shoulder, "If you're going to tell the story, tell it right." Maura looked over at the therapist and said, "Jane didn't stare, she raked her eyes from head to toe and back again, like she had been wandering lost in the Sahara for three days, and Gabby was a tall glass of water."
Jane turned her head sharply then and glared at Maura again. "This is my story Maura!"
"But the way you then said 'How are you doing?' was just so adorable."
Jane's eyebrows shot up and she shook her index finger at Maura. "No that is not at all what I said," she turned to Doctor Levinson and gave her a smouldering look, channelled her inner Joey Tribbiani and said, "How you doin'?"
Maura pursed her lips and looked at Jane completely confused. "That's exactly what I said you said."
Doctor Levinson was the one who had to smother her laughter. She covered it up with a fake cough and then brought her attention back to Jane, "So you flirted badly, got it."
Jane groaned, because yes, yes she had. "If only it ended there Doc…"
"You may want to cancel the rest of your appointments for the day, Doctor." Maura couldn't help but joke at Jane's expense, the entire situation had been most entertaining, she really didn't understand why Jane was making such a big deal out of it. "Jane is clearly traumatised by this."
"Traumatised, disturbed, mortified… need I go on?" Jane didn't think Maura was taking her seriously at all. "I went through this life changing experience and all Maura can do is laugh at the situation."
Doctor Levinson was accustomed to Jane's penchant for exaggeration so she encouraged her client to continue. "So you flirted with Gabby, in front of Maura, and I'm assuming others? What happened then?"
Jane pointed to the discolouration around her eye. "This."
Maura clarified again. "Gabby's reflex was to punch Jane in the eye. She was the mortified one after that, no real damage was done. Just some bruising, no broken socket, or eye damage. Gabby really doesn't like Jane."
Jane looked at Maura once again, her eyebrows shooting up and her mouth moulding into a shocked O shape. "She was mortified? She. Punched. Me. In. The. Eye!"
"You did think you could Joey Tribbiani your way into her pants, Jane. I mean, I think that was a warranted reaction given the circumstance." Maura needled Jane by trying to look and sound stern, but she couldn't stop smirking. She hadn't been able to stop smirking all week. She knew she should take this whole bizarre circumstance seriously, but the results were just so jaw droppingly ridiculous she simply couldn't.
"How can you know I was trying to Joey Tribbiani my way into anyone's pants, but not know how to say 'how you doin' with the correct inflection?"
Maura simply shrugged and looked back to the therapist. "Gabby apologised profusely and Jane accepted it."
"Well yeah, I mean you were there and Missy was there and like half the people in attendance were all staring at us and those people were her people." Jane felt satisfied with her answer. "It was self preservation. I couldn't exactly punch back in that situation now could I?"
"Everybody returned to finish the game, and for the rest of the game Jane could not stop staring at Gabby like she was Angela's gnocchi. I am pretty sure it affected Gabby's concentration, she struck out at a critical stage."
"Leave my Ma's gnocchi out of this!" Jane huffed defensively. "Look, yeah I was confused and I was simply trying to figure out what on earth had prompted me to flirt so, erm, flirt with Gabby at all."
Maura covered the side of her mouth closest to Jane, like she didn't want her to hear the secret and semi whispered, "Jane looked absolutely famished, staring at Gabby the way she was."
"Maura!" Jane whined, "Can you please just let me tell this story?"
"Yes I can. Whether I will or will not interrupt further depends entirely on whether you tell the truth and stop painting our friends as awful people."
"Gabby is your friend, Maura. Not mine." Jane huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and looking over at one of the paintings on the wall.
Maura simply smirked again. "Well after a couple of nights ago I would think…"
Jane practically launched herself at Maura and covered her mouth with her hand. "No, you promised, we are absolutely never, ever speaking of that moment, ever again!"
Doctor Levinson raised an eyebrow at Jane's sheer embarrassment. She absolutely knew she needed to know this story, but all in good time. "Perhaps we can move on to what happened next?"
"Maura, Melissa and Gabby conspired against me, that's what." Jane still held her hand over Maura's mouth, afraid to let go, afraid of what nonsense would spill forth.
Maura slid along the couch to create leverage to break free from Jane's hold. "There was no conspiracy, we were all simply worried about you Jane. You were not acting like yourself and so I merely suggested we tread softly until we could get your head examined. You were the one that marched over to us, looked at Gabby…"
"And apologised for my terrible behaviour." Jane finished. It was true, she had absolutely apologised, because clearly Gabby was a sophisticated woman who didn't take to terrible flirts. Not that she would ever admit that. She glanced sideways at Maura nervously.
"Gabby thought she was doing Jane a favour by letting her down gently. She apologised again for lashing out violently and said that it wasn't personal, just that Jane wasn't her type."
"Not her type!?" Jane scoffed, making several hand gestures up and down her body, "How could anyone resist this?"
Maura gently patted Jane's knee. "You are a tall glass of water on a hot day, love."
"Thank you," Jane said feeling mollified.
"Jane couldn't leave well enough alone. She had to ask why she wasn't Gabby's type." Maura chuckled thinking about the panic on Gabby's face trying to come up with a suitable answer that would both keep Jane at bay and not give her any false hope.
"She ogled Maura and Missy and then shrugged at me, they're both blonde and of course a light bulb went off in my head."
"Oh you didn't?" Doctor Levinson asked, now feeling mortified on Jane's behalf.
Jane simply nodded.
At this point Maura cracked. She stood up and started pacing around as her body heaved with the laughter that came from deep within her belly. She had tears running down her cheeks. She may have even peed just a little. Eventually she calmed herself down. "I let her out of my sight for one afternoon and I came home to that monstrosity." Maura said, pointing at Jane's hair, which was no longer black, nor long. It was short and blonde and looked completely out of place on her detective.
"Your words hurt my heart," Jane retorted.
"Your hair offends my eyes," Maura responded, still quite amused. Sitting back down she smoothed out her skirt and looked at Doctor Levinson, "This is only half the story."
Doctor Levinson looked aghast, "There's more?"
Jane buried her face in her palms and nodded, there was oh so much more. "A few days later, I pestered Maura all night to take me to Gabby's, I had to declare my love you see." Jane was at the point where she felt it might be safer to just be honest about how she was feeling while her head had been so clearly messed up by the softball to the noggin.
"So you progressed from thinking Gabby was highly attractive to thinking you were in love?" Doctor Levinson asked for clarity.
Jane peeked out from behind one hand, and said, "Running down the middle of the street yelling 'You're a wanker number nine' kind of love." Jane had no idea if her therapist had a clue about Imagine Me and You but that was exactly how she felt. She felt like she was in a romcom and if she just persisted Gabby would swoon and fall into her arms and they would live happily ever after. "Like Xena looked at Gabrielle…"
"Weren't they just friends?" Doctor Levinson asked, finally having some idea what Jane was talking about.
Jane gasped. "They were not simply just friends! You take that back!"
Maura placed a calming hand on Jane's forearm, "You'll have to forgive Jane, she has been binge watching television lately, while I have been at work."
"You watch the episode One Against an Army and tell me Xena and Gabrielle did not love each other with their entire hearts!"
Maura simply shook her head. "Missy is such a terrible influence on you Jane."
"Oh phooey, once I am done with Xena: Warrior Princess, she's told me to binge Blue Heelers. I trust her taste explicitly."
Maura ignored Jane's comment and looked at Doctor Levinson. "I refused to take Jane to Gabby's and she walked out the door and started walking, and given she knew exactly where to go I thought it might be best if I simply drove her so I could keep an eye on her."
"That was nice of you," Jane admitted.
Maura smirked. "Jane didn't think it appropriate to simply knock on the door. She decided to throw rocks onto the roof, instead."
"Well it's not like it was a two story house with a bedroom window I could throw rocks at." Jane clarified, thinking her romantic gesture made perfect sense.
"Gabby and Melissa eventually emerged from the house. Suffice to say Gabby was confused and Melissa was chuckling away."
"It was so sweet of you to stand back and watch the trainwreck," Jane remarked sarcastically. "I walked up to Gabby and I said, 'I'm just a girl, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love her'."
"At which point Melissa had tears in her eyes," Maura clarified, "Apparently Jane was paraphrasing a quote from Notting Hill, it was nice of Melissa to explain the reference to me. Otherwise I would have only been a little mortified on Jane's behalf."
Jane turned to Maura then and said, "Woman, you have not been mortified for one single second." She watched Maura's eyes go wide at her tone, "You heard me, you have been laughing at me since the beginning. My poor heart was breaking at the rejection, at least Gabby had the decency to try and let me down gently."
Maura simply shrugged and smirked. She couldn't argue the truth, plus she found Jane's use of 'Woman' slightly arousing, that was something she would need to file away for later. "Aww, but Gabby was so moved by your declaration…"
"No!" Jane yelled, scrambling once again to cover Maura's mouth with her hand. "Never again, remember?" She looked into Maura's eyes waiting for an acknowledgement of their agreement. Feeling like she had received one she let go and watched suspiciously in case she needed to jump in again. Some things should stay private. Her therapist did not need to know every last sordid detail.
Maura started humming the tune of The Shoop Shoop Song, a devious smile on her lips.
Jane felt relieved, not at all worried, until she recognised the tune. Her eyes quickly turned to Doctor Levinson, who as neutral as she tried to remain also couldn't help a knowing smile curling her lips. Jane shrank into the couch, in the hopes a hole would open up in front of her so that she could jump in and escape the embarrassment.
Doctor Levinson turned her eyes to Maura, "It didn't worry you to let it progress that far?"
"Oh not at all, a kiss has the power to reveal so much. I suspected it would shock her back to reality, which by the way it did."
"Quit talking about me like I'm not in the room." Jane whined, despite not liking the subject matter one bit. Gabby had, with clear egging on from Melissa swept her up in her arms, dipped her and kissed her like she was the only woman on the planet. She had absolutely swooned. She was in absolute heaven. Until the kiss was over and then the fog cleared and she stared wide eyed at the woman who had quite honestly kissed her better than she had ever been kissed before. Her thoughts drifted so far back that unbeknownst to her brain she uttered, "Best kiss ever."
Doctor Levinson looked from Jane to Maura a little concerned at how that might make Jane's actual girlfriend feel.
Maura simply shrugged. "I've kissed them both, she's not wrong."
Maura's answer snapped Jane out of her reverie and she felt stung. "Hey!"
"Don't worry Jane. We have many years to practice and perfect. You'll get there one day." Maura's smile was beyond devilish.
Jane just stared at her girlfriend, eventually she grinned. If ever there was motivation to get better at something, it was to usurp Gabby. "I look forward to that Maura, but can we never ever mention this ever again? Please?"
"Absolutely, I will never ever mention this again," Maura paused for dramatic effect, "Until I see your Mother at Christmas."
Jane just turned her head to look at her therapist, "You see what I mean? This is who I have chosen to love."
Doctor Levinson put her notepad down and leaned forward a little. "It appears to me Jane that you have chosen to love a very secure woman with a sense of humour, you could do a lot, lot worse."
"Not to mention those fantastic legs and awesome ti… Ow!" Jane felt the clip around the ear and smiled sheepishly, apparently Maura wasn't the only one with a filter problem.
Jane Rizzoli really was one lucky woman.
