Blog 26 - Gidbiwhatsamacallit

They had barely stood and dusted themselves off, when a thin, brown skinned man approached them. He wore a red robe/dress and had his hair tied back in a tight ponytail. Waiting patiently till they all noticed him, he politely acknowledged each in turn with a silent nod, then turned to Meleezon and bowed.

"Greetings. Are you the hero known as 'The Breasted One'?"

"Excuse me?"

"The Meleezon. Are you the one who is called Meleezon?"

"Oh… why, yes I am."

"This is good."

"And who are you?"

"I am Hralti, the Blacksmith."

"Ooohhh… -that- explains why I've never seen you before."

He snorted in reply.

"I was wondering if I could possibly ask a favour of you?"

"No."

"I'll give you a sticker."

"… Fine what's the favour?

"As you probably know, the only reason this dock hasn't been overrun by the forces of evil is because Ormus and I erected –"

("Hehe, he said 'erected'.")

("Divo shhh.")

"- a magical barrier that protects us. It goes all round the docks like a giant monster-repelling bubble."

"Wow… I didn't know that. Sounds cool."

"Very cool. But unfortunately our spell is weakening. Any day now it could collapse and we'll be open to attack."

"Soooo… you want me to get a really big sewing kit?"

"Wouldn't work. Ormus and I have deduced the only artifact strong enough to help us is something lost long ago: The Blade of the Old Religion, 'The Gidbinn'."

"Hm, a lost knife you say? Well that's lovely, but we really don't have the time. We've got to go back into the forest and find a village full of blood thirsty, flesh feasting midgets and then plunder their dungeon."

"Oh how fortunate!" Hralti clapped his hands in delight, "You're going to play with the Children of the Zakarum? They are the ones who took the blade! They use it to protect their own village, but they don't know how to access its full power. You could break in with very little effort."

Meleezon sighed.

"Alright, Ok I'll find your damned Gidbi-thingy. Why do I always get caught up in this crap?" -sigh- "Where is this village?"

Fast Forward – The Flayer Jungle

"No rest for the vicked, ay Fräulein Meleezon?" G chuckled.

Meleezon grunted but said nothing. It was nearing nightfall and they were deep, deep in the Kurast Jungle. Though they still followed the river, it was obvious that humans hadn't ventured into this area for a long time. It held an aura of evil about it; that eerie feeling like you were constantly being watched, making the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.

In the evening twilight, Meleezon spotted something flicker in the trees. Lights; torches, burning somewhere beyond. She motioned silently for the other to follow.

As they neared the lights, they saw better what they were: two tall totem poles standing either side of a pathway through the trees. Each totem pole was made up of three carved heads, one of top of the other, the masked faces grinning blankly as the heroes approached. One had its hands over its eyes, one its ears, and the last its snickering mouth. Meleezon was unsure of the meaning.

"Ugly little buggers aren't they?" she snorted.

G pulled his wand out.

"I vill scout ahead" he said boldly, "If it is dangerous, I vould prefer it me who is caught and eaten then any of you lovely fräuleins."

The girls blushed at the sentiment.

"Aw G, that's very… wait! Stop!"

Too late, G ran into the invisible barrier between the poles at full force. He was thrown backwards, did a spectacular somersault and landed on his stomach. The women did their best to suppress their giggles.

"Oh G," K choked as she helped him up, "You forgot about the blades protection field. You could have killed yourself."

Meleezon snickered behind her hand.

"Yes, Hralti told us the only way to get through it was to clear our minds of all destructive thoughts. We must fool it into thinking our intentions are good."

As Kriemhild comforted her slightly embarrassed companion, Meleezon approached the two totems until she began to feel resistance. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes tried to empty her mind.

"Clear thoughts… good thoughts… puppies… unicorns… Scott the Great… mmmm…"

When she opened her eyes again she was well past the barrier and about 3 inches off plowing into a tree. She let out a sigh of relief.

Behind her, Agents K and G were passing through with some effort and finally stumbled out on her side. Divo casually walked over to them as if the barrier never existed.

Meleezon tilted her head questioningly.

"How did you do that so easily? What did you think about?"

Divo looked surprised.

"Think?" she said blankly.

Meleezon rolled her eyes.

Fast Forward

The path was longer then they expected; it twisted and turned through the trees, getting narrower and more worn as they progressed. At last they saw more lights in the distance. Not a sound could be heard, even the birds and insects had halted their chorus.

"Don't you think vee vould have heard something by now?" K said cautiously.

Meleezon nodded in agreement.

They rounded a final bend, and there lay the village before them. It was rather quaint really; tiny little stools and thatched huts, so small Meleezon would have to walk in on her knees. Only the large black pot and evil looking figureheads suggested it was a hostile place, though not a living thing yet stirred.

K suddenly gasped and pointed to something on the far edge of camp. Suspended by a string over a small shrine of hay, a small stiletto hung. They knew instantly it had to be the Blade of the Old Religion.

"Ok" whispered Meleezon, "We'll head straight over there, grab the knife and portal out. We can come back later to plunder the dungeon. And whatever you do: Don't. Touch. Anything."

The others nodded in agreement. Silently and carefully, they snuck through the camp, past huts and totems. Divo, unable to contain her curiosity, stopped at the base of a tall stone figurehead to study it.

"Hey Meleezon, check this out. Its mouth has a hole in it." She bent down to peer inside. "Looks like some kind of – OW!"

The scream echoed over the camp, and Divo fell back clutching her forehead. Meleezon rushed over swearing viciously under her breath.

"Dammit Divo I told you not to touch ANYthing"

"I didn't touch, I didn't. I just looked" she whimpered.

Meleezon softened and helped her companion to sit up.

"It's Ok, just try to be quiet now. We might have the whole tribe on us any second."

Silence. Silence. Silence. A snicker to the left. Meleezon shot a glance in the direction of the noise. Nothing. Possibly her imagination.

After a few minutes they released their breath and relaxed.

"I think it's alright" assured Meleezon, "Maybe they've all gone out hunting?" She turned her attention to Divo; "Let me see what's in your forehead."

Carefully prying her hands away from her face, Divo revealed a small metal object stuck in her skin. It was only tiny, but covered completely in sharp metal points that would be deadly if it struck an eye or temple. Divo continued to whimper as Meleezon took hold of it.

"Ok, I'm going to count to three, then pull it out. I want you to know this is going to hurt you more then it's going to hurt me."

"Thanks, that help – wait what?"

"THREE!"

YANK-

"AAH-"

Before she could make anymore noise G clamped his hand over her mouth.
"You'll be fine. Grin and bear it." He waited until her breathing slowed, then released her.

"Let us grab that damned knife and get out of here."

Moving faster now, they hurried over to the shrine. It sounded as if a wind had picked up; trees and leaves all around them beginning to rustle, but Meleezon felt nothing upon her face. Giving it a quick glance over, she reached out for the blade, only to have her hand slapped away.

"Allow me" G said boldly. "It may be boobie-trapped."

He reached out carefully, and just as his fingers brushed it –

KAFLOOM-

The whole shrine erupted in a massive fireball. The knife completely disintegrated. All around them the ground began to rumble, lightning flashed and thunder growled.

With a small explosion and fair amount of smoke, a masked midget appear before them. His grinning painted face mocked the heroes as he held the Gidbinn high.

"Haha! We tricks you's!" he said in a sinister high-pitched voice. "I has the blade, and yous will have to fights me; Knife Guarder Guardy, if you wants it."

Meleezon raised an eyebrow.

"Knife Guarder Guardy? Alright whatever. Shouldn't be too hard." She cracked her knuckles and took a step forward.

"Wait!" ordered Guardy, raising his hands. He looked at them cautiously, then began to count on his fingers.

"Ones… twos… threes……more then threes… oh hits." He began to back away as the foursome advanced. "Er hehe, I just being silly! I not want to fight you's I just wants… um…" he saw the grim looks on their faces and gulped.

"AAHHH! Witch Doctor HELP!" he cried, turning to run.

FL-SPLAT-

He barely made it two meters before he fell with K's spear protruding from his chest.

"Nice said Meleezon, walking over to pick up the Gidbinn from his hands. "Now I guess we can just go back and –"

"IIYARRGG!"

Suddenly midgets poured out everywhere, from huts, trees, figureheads – some even jumped out of the pot. Before they could react the heroes were completely surrounded.

The midgets masks snickered at them evilly, the giant knives glinted in the torch light. Meleezon was surprised they could even carry such massive weapons; they were almost twice the size of their wielders. But that didn't concern her as much as the blowpipes other midgets held. They could be loaded with anything: rocks, poison darts, those spiky balls that hit Divo… or at the very worst, spitballs.

The circle tightened, forcing the humans to bunch in closer.

"Um, any plans Meleezon?" K asked, already calculating their chances.

A gap suddenly opened in the ring, and tall figure stepped out. He sneered at is his prisoners and signaled the tribe to stop advancing.

Meleezon studied the new comer in surprise; not one but two midgets, one standing on top of the other shoulders like the totem poles. The top ones mask was adorned in bright orange and red decorations. He stopped a few feet from them and snickered.

"Meet Witch Doctor Endugu" the bottom midget wheezed, obviously strained from the carrying effort. The top midget bowed.

"How nice you is to stop bys for dinner" he said. The tribe giggled in unison.

Meleezon rolled her eyes at the poor pun, but said nothing.

The Witch Doctor began to pace – or rather hit his bearer repeatedly until he paced – and tutted to himself.

"Well wells… four scrawny humans, caught in Flayer trap. Why would scrawny humans want our shiny stabby tool?"

K spoke up, spitting her words as if the little devil made her feel ill.

"It is an ancient blade, made for humans. Not disgusting little diaper-fillers like you."

The tribe put their hands on the masks as if in surprise.

"Ooooohhhhhh" they said, sounding shocked and hurt, but then burst into fits of giggles.

"Oohhh human wants insult us?" said Endugu nastily, "Flayers good at that; ahem. You's master, he so fat he eats four moo-cows and go 'What's the main course?'"

As pathetic as the insult was, Meleezon saw it had hit a nerve with the two Gerbils. Lord Hamster did have a reputation. The tribe saw the hurt and made obscene hand gestures.

"Oh yeah?" piped up Divo, "Yo midgets are so small, you won't ever be allowed on the rides of MediEvil Land!"

A hushed silence settled over the tribe. A single baby Flayer burst into tears and ran away into the huts. Endugu growled at them angrily.

"That below belt, it Little Chompies dream to go there one days. You think it funny to ruin childrens dreamies?"

Divo looked embarrassed.

"No... no I'm sorry. I guess that was out of order."

"That right, which makes you dumbs AND ugly!"

The tribe burst into hysterics again, shouts of "Oohhh burned" and "You got served!" ringing in the heroes ears.

Meleezon finally stepped forward and raised her hands.

"Enough! These are the worst insults I've ever heard. Can't you do anything decent?"

"Hmmm... we gots more jokes?" Endugu mused.

"Such as?"

"Why dids the Flayer cross the road? To eat the chicken on the others side!"

Some of the tribe giggled politely but most just nodded their masks.

Meleezon smirked.

"Let me guess; it gets funnier after the 200th time?"

"SILENCE! You do not make funs of Flayer humour. We's very proud of it; we even have comedy nights."

"Ooohhh I bet they go off. What's the prize joke - 'Two midgets walk into a bar: ouch'?"

The tribe gasped.

"She knows!" they whispered, and lapsed into bouts of angry mumbling.

Endugu was silent for a few seconds, then his mask began to shake.

"YOU BEEN SPYING!" he screeched, "No one steal Flayer jokes and lives to tell world; how would we sell our DVD's? We was going to let you's go, but now you must DIE!"

The Flayers begin to advance again, snarling angrily and brandishing their weapons. Divo and the two Gerbils turned to glare at a flushed looking Meleezon.

"Ok so maybe everything I say isn't the most brilliant idea in the world, first time for everything. But I have a plan."

She looked at G, nodded towards his wand and made a choking motion with her hands. He stared blankly for a second, then nodded in agreement.

Meleezon stepped forward and raised her arms again.

"Wait! I come offering new jokes! Really funny ones too!"

The tribe halted. Endugu tilted his mask curiously.

"Oh? Tells now, and they better be funnies or we skins you."

Meleezon cleared her throat.

"Ahem. What do you get when you cross Diablo with the worlds most viscous Chihuahua?"

Mumbles. Snickers. Scratching heads.

Endugu thought for a long time then, shook his head.

"Me nots know. What you gets?"

Meleezons eyes widened.

"I don't know what you call it, but it's RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

The midgets let out a cry and spun around, ready to defend against one very deadly hound. Meleezon, Divo and K immediately put their hands over their mouths and noses.

"Now G!"

"Gastro Glutious Explodus!"

With a ground shaking 'BRRAARRPP' a ring of green gas burst from G's wand and enveloped the tribe. Shocked and confused, they had no option but to breathe in the noxious fumes, and within seconds they were on their knees, gagging and choking. Many simply fainted where they stood, others flopped about, rolling in agony as the stench and foulness clogged their lungs.

Endugu, somewhat higher then the others when the gas was released, had missed the main wave. Unfortunately his bearer hadn't, and they both crashed to the ground as he succumbed to the vapours. Endugu stood up and snarled at the humans.

"You pays for that!" he said, shaking a tiny fist. Then he ran off towards a fenced in area of the camp.

"Get him, quick!" Meleezon cried, already running through the gas cloud, "If he gets to the dungeon he could seal it off."

All four of them chased the mad midget across the camp into the fenced area. At a quick glance it appeared to be an old burial ground filled with ancient human-made tombstones. Most had been desecrated beyond recognition, or simply had the word "NOT!" written after lines like "You will be missed."

In the center of the yard were stone stars leading down into the earth. Endugu was already running down them, giggling with glee.

"Faster! He's almost there."

They raced down the steps, just in time to see him dive for a lever and pull it. A large stone door began to slide down from the roof. He roared with laughter, then realised the heroes weren't slowing their advance. Backing up a few steps to judge whether they were going to make it or not, he finally turned and ran into the darkness.

Meleezon barreled through the doorway, narrowly missing smacking her head. K and G followed close behind. The stone was halfway down, and Divo still had a few meters to go.

"Dive, Divo, Dive!" Meleezon yelled, realising how stupid it sounded. With a determined cry, the Rogue, leapt into the air, slid across the stone and made it under with barely enough time to reach back and grab her Fedora hat.

She sat up grinning as the stone slammed shut behind her, and plonked the hat triumphantly on her head.

"Made it! Boy that was close."

The other stared silently.

"Uummm… where exactly did you get the hat from?"

Divo's smile dropped as she stared up at the wide brim.

"I... don't know" she stammered, "Probably the same place I got this whip?" she looked at the long bull whip in her hands and then tossed it away. "Eh, I'll never be able to use that. Might keep the hat though; looks snazzy."

"Well snazzy or not, it's not going to help us get out of here" Meleezon mumbled.

"Can't vee just portal out?" G pleaded.

"We could… but I'm assuming this is where the brain is. We're going to have to search it anyway, might as well be now. And we'll kill that rat Endugu while we're here."

A sinister laugh echoed down the dark hallway behind them.

"….ehehehe… don't be to sures. This is my fun place, you's all be intruding. You wanties my treasures, you have to play my games. And no one has ever left play time alive…"

The voice faded, leaving only the dripping sounds of moisture.

The heroes stood silently for awhile, each thinking shared thoughts. Even the bog-pits of the Docks sounded more comforting then this place at the moment.

Meleezon finally took a breath and hefted Soulflay to her shoulder.

"How hard could it be?" she mused.

"Childs Play" replied G with a grim look in his eyes.

They readied their weapons and stepped into the darkness.

Next Blog – It Takes Brains to Win Game