Blog 27 – I Think, Therefore… um…

A Flayer dungeon is a mysterious place. No living man has ever returned from one's depths. But Meleezon and Divo were no 'man'. G showed slight discomfort as Meleezon explained this, but a Gerbil never retreated. 'Go forth in the name of Hamster, and run the race in the wheel before us'.

K's spear was at constant alert, ready to thrust forward and decapitate the first midget to show its masked face, but so far the ancient twisting tunnels held nothing but spider webs and tiny foot prints in the dust. Up ahead, the Witch Doctor Endugu was waiting to ambush them with an unknown arsenal of traps. The question was: when?

"I wish he'd hurry up," grumbled Divo. "It's the waiting I can't take." She took her Fedora off for a second, ruffled her hair and put it back on. Meleezon snorted.

"Are you really going to keep that old thing? It's so… manly!"

"It's cool!" Divo frowned, before wiping her nose on her sleeve, farting and laughing loudly as it echoed down the corridor. She tipped the tip of the hat down and winked at K, who looked at her strangely before smiling back.

As expected, the tunnel opened up into darkness; a large room of depth and height they couldn't tell. They allowed their eyes to adjust in the light of Meleezon's small torch, and tried to peer into the gloom.

"Zis is stupid," K growled. "Vhy doesn't zee little rodent just spring zee trap? I'm itching to put my spike through him."

In response, the room suddenly came alive with light. All four covered their eyes and brandished their weapons, expecting hoards of tiny beings to swarm over them. Instead, a familiar crackling filled their ears:

"Wwwwelcome to Flayer Dungeon Trivia, where every question asked, could be your last!" The voice over the QSHC Radio was almost mockingly cheerful, pronouncing words with emphasized excitement. It made Meleezon screw up her nose.

"What is going -"

The torches in the room suddenly dimmed, revealing a strangely decorated room. The walls were alive with colorful streamers and paint. Four podiums sat before them, and at the other end was a large stage, upon which sat a box covered in vines.

"Amazing!" Divo gasped, "What is it? A game?"

"Correct! You get to live longer, Divo!" the voice-over announced. "And now please welcome your host; ENDUGUUUUUU!"

There was a flash of light, a cloud of smoke, and the Witch Doctor himself appeared on the stage behind the box. His grinning mask snickered at them evilly.

"Thank you, thank you," he cried, raising his hands up and bowing.

"Clear shot!" Divo cried, and launched an arrow straight at the midgets head. It reached the viney box and shattered instantly, splinters of wood and feathers showering over the heroes. Endugu and the voice-over chuckled with laughter.

"Oh, I'm sorry Divo, but the rules clearly state that the host may not be killed till after the games completion. As such, an impenetrable defense spell protects both him and the doorway you just entered through. Should you or any weapon attempt to break through either field again, termination of the game – and consequently your lives – will occur."

"And you better do as Big Cousin say," Endugu added. "This neat room, and me rreeeally not want to clean up the mess."

"Exactly how do you plan to hurt us?" Meleezon asked. "What have you got? Poison blow darts? Viscous attack weasels?"

"Better!" Endugu giggled, "Big Cousin?"

"Thank you, Endugu! Should you or your friends fail to answer a question correctly, these punishments will be administrated."

Four wooden panels on the walls beside them opened up to reveal some large cages. Inside each one, a different creature wriggled and crawled.

"SPIDERS!" screamed Meleezon.

"RATS!" choked K.

"NOCTURNALIS MAMMALIS, otherwise known as BATS!" grimaced Divo.

"BUNNIES!" cried G, turning white and shaking like a cold fajita. The room went quiet as all the women turned to peer quizzingly at him.

"Vhat?" he said, still looking very pale. "Look at zem! Furry… big teeth… …floppy ears… C'mon! Noting that cute could be wholly innocent!"

One of the rabbits sniffed tentatively at the straw lining its cage, then took a hop towards the heroes.

"GET IT AVAY!" G screamed, almost climbing K.

"Get off, you big vussy," the larger Amazon rolled her eyes and swatted the skinny man off.

"And that's just the boobie prize," Endugu said with glee.

"Indeed," Big Cousin continued; "a second wrong answer will result in a 'One Tonne Wanger', and the game will be over for that contestant."

"Von Tonne Vanger?" K asked, sounding genuinely confused. "You're going to beat us to death vith a really big di-"

"Look up," Big Cousin's voice interrupted.

They glanced up at the ceiling, and saw four gaping-black holes above the podiums. The dark underside of something round and smooth was vaguely visible.

"Oooohhhh," they said in unison, feeling guilty about the dirty thoughts that had been flowing through their minds.

"And one final thing; please take note of the holes in the floor. Failure to stand on a podium base within the next 30 seconds will result in the activation of 6 foot sharpened spikes."

The heroes looked at each other, at their feet, then quickly moved to a podium each. K's teeth ground horribly at being commanded by someone other then Lord Hamster, and Meleezon was afraid she might do something rash.

"Thank you," Big Cousin boomed; "and please: don't step away from them again until the end of the game. The spikes are now active and even the slightest pressure may set them off. LET'S GET READY TO RRUUUUUMMMMMMMM- ah to hell with it. Endugu?"

"Game begins. On podium you will see button. Push button; loud buzzy noise and you must answer question. No points for correct answer, last person to be not squished wins!"

"Wins what?"

"Big cousin?"

"Our prizes today are: One – getting to leave alive, and two…" a panel in the wall behind Endugu opened to reveal something small and pulsating, sitting on a velvet cushion. The heroes leaned in for a closer look, without stepping off their podium stands.

"By Lord Hamster, it's zee brain!" K cried. They were both overjoyed and repulsed by the little human thinking device sitting quietly in its prize box.

"The Brain of Khalim, to be exact. Grand prize, allows entry to the Tower of Mephisto, should you manage to claim the other body parts and the flail."

"Already got two of those things, bucko," Meleezon said proudly. "And we're going to win this game and take that bit for ourselves too."

"Ehehe… if you says so," Endugu snickered. "Alright! First question is demo, just to let you get feel of game. Wrong answer will not be punished. Here is question:"

He picked up a deck of cards and held up the first one. The heroes waited nervously, hands over the buzzers.

"What floats on water?"

BZZZ

"Wood!"

BZZZ

"Cheese!"

BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ

"Rocks!" "Glass!" "Lead!" ("Don't be stupid Divo, lead doesn't float. You're thinking of mercury.")

"SILENCE!" Endugu screamed, slamming his tiny fist on the vine box. "You lucky that only demo. ONE person buzz in, give ONE answer. No silly guesses."

The heroes looked sulkily at each other and scuffled their feet.

"What was the answer anyway?" Meleezon piped up.

"Surprisingly, it be boats." Endugu snorted. He tossed the card over his shoulder and held up the next one. "Right, now game start for real. Question is… What black and white and red all over?"

BZZZ

"Oh, oh! I know this one!" Divo cried. "We used to tell that one back at Rogue Side Elementary. It's a Necro in a blender!"

There was a short, stunned silence as everyone waited to hear the response.

"Well done, Divo." Big Cousin announced, sounding slightly dejected. "That is correct."

The heroes let out a whoop of joy and leaned over to high-five each other, before deciding it wasn't worth the risk of being spiked.

"Hmph. Beginner luck." Endugu tossed the card away. "Next question: If Diablo be traveling at rate of 20,000 steps a day, and it take him 32 days to reach Kurast from Tristram – take into account his time on boat – what colour cloak he wearing?"

Silence.

BZZZ

"Grey?" K asked. Endugu stamped his feet viscously and threw the card at her.

"You sucks!" he screamed. "Lucky guesses, to many!"

"Phhhh… not lucky at all!" K grinned; "Every evil villain vairs a full body grey cloak zat covers his face vith a hood. Duh."

"She has a point, Endugu," Big Cousin added thoughtfully.

"Grrr. Well, next one will stump you." Endugu's mask bobbed with eagerness as he took up the next card. "This is bonus question: everyone gets one free go. If all four of you get wrong…"

"SPLAT!" Big Cousin finished cheerfully.

"Bring it on!" Meleezon cried.

"OK. Who am I? I was born in the fiery pits of Hell –"

BZZZ

"Diablo!"

"EEEEENNT! Wrong answer!"

"Good von, Divo. Vhy don't you vait till the qvestion is finished next time?"

"I thought it was," the Rogue said sadly.

".. born in the fiery pits of Hell, and am one of the lesser Lords of Evil. I enjoy devouring souls, torturing the damned and moonlight walks by the beach. My nickname in school was 'Squishy' –"

BZZZ

"Duriel!" K said boldly.

"EEENNNT! Oh I'm terribly sorry, but it seems you were incorrect. Please feel free to take a step back off your podium… … ooohhhh clever. Can't trick you. Anyway…"

"My nickname in school was 'Squishy' because of my shapely behind. My tush actually won me 'Sexiest Demon Lord in Hell' three years in a row –"

BZZZ

"Andariel, its must be!" G seemed confident, but the tinge of panic was clearly evident in his voice.

"Hmmm… let me just check the ans-ENNNNTT WRONG! AHAHAHAHAHAHA… ahem. Continue."

"…three years in a row. I have future plans to overthrow all the other Lords in Hell and claim it for myself. Then move to some remote island far away in the River of Fire to avoid real-estate tax. My favourite food is curried enchiladas on toast, and I'm quiet partial to skinny dipping. I am…?"

Silence. All eyes fell on Meleezon. Her face was screwed up with concentration, the lines on her forehead standing out.

("Psstt, quick Meleezon, before you get wrinkles!") Divo's concerned whisper drifted to her.

"You have 30 seconds to answer," Big Cousin mocked.

Time ticked away. The heroes waited with breath held, Endugu's grinning mask leered at them from behind his box. At last, the Amazons hand came down.

BZZZ

"… Azmodan?"

"EENNNTT! HAHAHA WOO HOO! Take that puny… oh wait did you say Azmodan? God dammit! How did you know that? Endugu they're cheating! Hide your cards better."

The midget on the stage had gone completely quiet now. He was obviously fuming inside his mask.

"Yes… it odd you know that… Azmodan not even mentioned in this game… er, I mean, the game we playing right now… ahem. Moving on!" He threw the 'Who am I?' card away and held up the last two.

"OK, it obvious you very clever. These are the hardest questions, and if you get right, you live!"

"Oh oh, I have a question. May I ask?"

Endugu looked confused for a second, then nodded.

"Ok, the question is: Divo, will you take off that stupid hat?"

Divo immediately stuck her hand up and clutched at the brim defensively.

"NO! I like it, it's staying on."

"EENNNTT! Wrong answer!"

The loud clanking of something extremely heavy being released from its chain made Divo look to the hole above her.

"Oh… $hit!" she managed to scream, before taking a flying leap towards Meleezon. The massive steel ball smashed down on the podium, crushing it to a splintery pulp.

"Damn! I missed!" Big Cousin cried.

Meleezon managed to catch Divo midair, holding her like a honeymooning bride and groom. Divo pulled the rim of her hat from her face and smiled at the Amazon.

"This is nice, isn't it?"

"Don't make me throw you onto the spikes."

Meanwhile, on stage, Endugu was having hysterics.

"What the hell that for, Big Cousin? You ruin perfectly good podium and break boobie-prize rule. First question wrong is the scary creature punishment, remember?"

"Sorry. I just can't stand that hat. It looks so… manly on her!"

"Hey... Shut up!"

"Never mind!" Endugu interrupted, "Game go on. Since Big Cousin asked stupid question and we one podium down, I only ask one more." He threw one of the cards away.

"What was that one about?"

"Hmm? Oh… compressed singularity in a controlled environment… I think you would have got easy anyway."

The heroes looked uneasily at each other then nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. Think so. You better ask the last one."

"Ok! Last question: What…"

He paused again, drawing it out as long as he could. Only the impatient tapping of K's foot and tiny groans of Meleezon trying to hold Divo could be heard.

"… is average flight speed of a Black Raptor?" he finished at last.

Silence. No one buzzed in.

"Would you like to phone a friend? Ask the audience perhaps? Oh, buy a vowel! Guaranteed to stay sharp - even after cutting through nickel cadmium! - or you're life back! Anyway, you have 30 seconds to answer."

Silence. Meleezon chewed her bottom lip, K banged her spear into the podiums base repeatedly, an expression of worry and anger on her face. Divo played with her hat. Then suddenly, G put up his hand.

"Anarochian or Khandurasan Black Raptors?" he asked.

Endugu's mask tilted sideways.

"Ummmmmmm…. Big Cousin?"

Big Cousin too seemed to be thinking hard about this.

"Errr… well… that is to say… Khandurasan?"

"13.7 miles an hour," G said without missing a beat. Suddenly loud music filled the room; bells, whistles and trumpets sang out the heroes triumph. Small pieces of coloured paper fell out of the holes above them. ("Steel balls and confetti… how clever!" Divo mused.)

Endugu banged his mask furiously against the viney box.

"No, no, no! No one ever win Flayer Dungeon Trivia before. Me… so… ANGRY!"

"Congratulations to our winners. Spike trap and exit-doorway force field deactivated." The panels in the walls also slid up to hide the creepy critters (and rabbits) from view. G let out a sigh of relief. Endugu shook a tiny fist.

"You win today, but you not get me!" He made to run from the stage, and immediately bounced off the invisible shield.

"Hey… what going on? Let me out Big Cousin!"

"Ooohhh… I'm sorry! But the rules clearly state that the host can not be killed till after the game. Well, games finished! It's dieing time, Witch Doctor Endugu!"

The midgets mask danced erratically on its shoulders. He desperately charged the defense spell again, bouncing off as ineffectively as before.

"What? Let me out! I demand –"

"You are the weakest link. GOODBYE!"

A trap door beneath the screaming Flayer opened, and he disappeared completely from sight.

"Curse you, Big Cousin! I bbeee bbaaaccckkkkk….." The heroes listened to the sound of his cries fading further and further away, until all was silent once more. Then a chuckle from the omnipotent Big Cousin filled the room.

"It's all good now, heroes. You can step up to claim your prize. Thank you for beating that little squirt once and for all. Now I can finally leave to pursue my career: Sanctuary Idol!"

"That's going to be abit hard for someone without a body, isn't it?" Meleezon scoffed.

"Hey, shut up. I can sing! An apparently that's all that you need to do to be idolized these days. Farewell!'

His voice faded away, humming happily to itself, and the heroes were left alone.

"Well… that was stimulating," Meleezon said, dropping Divo unceremoniously on her butt. "And he was truthful too; the traps are deactivated!"

Divo stood up grumbling, and straightened her hat.

"Hmph. And I got one of those questions right too. Ungrateful cow…"

"Divo – "

"I know, I know. 'Be quiet and get the brain', I'm on my way."

---Fast Forward – The Kurast Docks---

Divo finished hugging G and moved to say goodbye to K. Meleezon moved in to shake the Necro-Amazons hand.

"Well, you may be followers of a gluttonous furball, hellbent on world domination… but you're alright."

'Agent G' Knochengeist snapped his heels together and saluted politely.

"Thank you, Fräulein Meleezon," he smiled, "Perhaps vee vill meet again vhen the legions of Hamster have overthrown the universe as vee know it."

"Perhaps we will," Meleezon smiled back.

Divo finished hugging 'Agent K' Kriemhild, who was looking both pleased and uncomfortable with this strange new affection.

"Thank you, Divo. You have been a good… friend. You vill be velcome in zee camp of Hamster any time."

Divo grinned and did a little excited jump.

"Oh, that'd be great! I'll come visit as soon as all this is over. I can't wait to see Lord Hamster, he sounds sssooo cute!"

The two Gerbils smiled awkwardly.

"Yes… cute. Vell, vee must move on. The new orders of Hamster say they have made a break through vith zee art of cooking chicken, near zee Barbarian Homelands. Something about "11 Herbs and Spices". Vee are to acquire and return vith the secret recipe," G's features darkened; "Or not return at all."

"Yes, well, sounds important. 'Go forth and run the race in the wheel before you', my brave Gerbil friends. Farewell."

Agents K and G waved goodbye as they stepped onto the gangplank of their boat and the sails were hoisted. Divo took off her Fedora and flapped it round wildly. Meleezon wrinkled her nose for perhaps the 50th time that day.

"I really wish you'd get rid of that thing, Divo."

"You'll get over it, Meleezon," the Rogue grinned. "Now come on; we've got a Temple of Doom – er – Temple of Mephisto to face. Follow me, I know the way! Yar!"

Next Blog: The Good, the Bad, and the Plain Bazaar