A/N: Alright, I messed up on the math. Big time. Let's just say that, when Sesshomaru gave up rin, she was twelve, not eight. Okay?
Good. The quote below is by Lenoard Cohen. Let the chapter begin!
-
-
"There's a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
Once, when Sesshomaru was a small child, his father was in pain.
Not physical pain. He was in his wife's room, kneeling by the bedside. Sesshomaru's mother was sleeping--she slept often those days--so he didn't know why his father was just sitting there, beside her still body.
"Father?" His small voice looked for reassurance. Everything, from the expression in Inutaisho's eyes to the angle of his lips, unsettled Sesshomaru. The lines of the demon's body were off; it was as if some invisible force weighed down on his limbs and twisted his face into an mask of anguish.
Sesshomaru stumbled towards his parent. "Father?" It was wrong, so wrong, to see his parent sad. Adults weren't supposed to cry. "What's the matter?"
Inutaisho looked at his little son, standing straight-backed like a soldier in his nightclothes. Moonlight flowed into the child's face, which was clouded with curiosity and a touch of fear. The boy walked over to him and laid a small hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong." His voice was demanding, commanding the authority that would be thrust upon him in years to come.
Inutaisho heard his wife's shallow breathing. Her breath smelt of illness: some vague, dark force ravaging her body. His son was looking at him with sharp eyes. A trickle of pride fluttered in Inutaisho's chest; Sesshomaru, one day, would make a fine lord. But for now, he was far too young. "Nothing," he said.
The quiet boy frowned and persisted. "You're sad."
Inutaisho smiled at his son. "Sometimes, Sesshomaru, sadness can be a good thing."
The child narrowed his eyes. "How?"
Inutaisho felt the illness slowly, slowly creeping into his wife's organs. "Because, when you suffer…" He thought of her face, sweaty and pained as she struggled to live. "You know, Sesshomaru, what life is." His wife was dying by his side. "Life is suffering, my son. You'll see when you're older." He plucked the boy off of the floor and stood up, his child cradled in his arms. "And once you realize that, you can grow from the hurt."
The boy yawned and tried to process his father's words. "What's that mean? I don't like pain…" His eyes fluttered shut; soon her was asleep.
Inutaisho carried Sesshomaru to his bedroom. His son still fit in his arms; he would regret the day when it was Sesshomaru feeling this ache, and his son was no longer his. 'I suffer…' He thought of his son's future, and wanted to see it more than anything else in the world. 'For you.'
For a second, with his child pressed against his heart, Inutaisho felt a rise of joy so sharp that he wanted to cry. 'I suffer; therefore, I'm alive.' His father's pain receded like a warm tide, as love shone in the darkness.
Sesshomaru stood before the simple wooden door, gathering his courage. The small house, set between fields and a tiny village, smelt of Rin. 'Isn't it odd that after someone if gone, it takes years for their scent to fade from your memory?' She'd moved from where he dropped her off--consequently, it'd taken longer than anticipated to locate her. The late afternoon skies cast golden hues across the meadows and snow, bathing the cabin in the sun's glow. He knocked on the door. An eternity seemed to pass before it swung open.
'Beautiful' never came to his mind, although Rin was certainly lovely at that moment. She was smiling in excitement, breathless from her jog to the door. Rays of warm sunlight splashed against her face; they illuminated her smooth skin and small white teeth. Upon seeing him, her lips--fuller than he remembered--twisted into an 'o' and she stood, stunned in the doorway. His first thought was: 'Different.'
Her half pony-tail, her little checkered dress, and her boundless energy were gone. "Sesshomaru-sama." Her voice was lower. She took in the demon who, at one point, had been her entire world. With a light laugh she flew towards him and snared him in a hug. Her sore feet left bare footprints in the snow. 'He came back.'
A bit in shock, he wrapped his arms around her. He held her like he had for the last time, those short years ago. She simply didn't fit in his embrace the way she used to; one glance at her stomach revealed why. His arms dropped to his side as he frowned at the woman before him. "You're pregnant." His heart pounded nervously, and for a second he thought that maybe he was at the wrong house. His Rin had a child's body, a child's voice, and a child's face. His Rin was frozen in time.
The woman nodded vigorously and smiled. It was then she noticed Kagome fidgeting awkwardly behind Sesshomaru. She swallowed and blinked in confusion. He couldn't have replaced her that fast, could he? Her stomach fell to her knees as questions rose fresh in her mind. 'What was I to him?'
"Hello!" Kagome smiled warmly at Rin. "My name is Kagome. I'm Sesshomaru's guide. Do you remember me from way back when?" She accompanied her words with friendly gestures and an open, attentive expression.
Rin immediately felt more comfortable around her. "Maybe. You were Inuyasha's friend, right?" Kagome nodded vigorously. Rin continued. "You offered me candy once, I think." She hopped inside the house, a surprisingly energetic action for such a pregnant woman. "Please, come inside."
A few awkward minutes later they were seated in the kitchen, hot beverages before them. Kagome thought that adding tea to any situation helped dispel unease. 'Kikyo's corpse, you look upset. Here, have some tea.' She suppressed a snicker at her silent morbid joke.
In an attempt to get her mind off the hanyou she inspected Rin's home with wide eyes. The house, though small, was comfortable. The morning breeze swayed the heavy boughs of trees outside. Distant wind chimes clinked in the absence of conversation.
Sesshomaru sat stiff and cold, his eyes betraying his curiosity over the pregnant woman before him. The woman in question was torn between laughing and crying, so she bit her lip and stared out the window. 'Sesshomaru's here,' she thought again and again. She was still unsure as of how to react around her savior, her lost companion, her old life. Should she pretend nothing had happened? Should she scold him for leaving her? Should she leap, sobbing, into his arms? What do you say to the past when it knocks on your door amidst the winter wind?
Kagome shattered the silence. "Nice place you got here, Rin."
Sesshomaru pushed down the urge to bolt out of the room.
"Yeah." Rin focused on Kagome, intensely aware that the western lord was fidgeting in her peripheral vision. "Hiroshi built it himself, after the wedding." She smiled and loosened her grip on a ceramic mug. "We've been married nearly a year, now."
Kagome set her cup down and jutted her arm across Sesshomaru's lap. She leaned over him in order to pat Rin's stomach. The demon frowned and tried to sip his drink, while Kagome cooed beneath his chin. What was that girl babbling?
"Aw! Its going to be so cute. Hewo, wittle baby!" Kagome's arm snapped back across his line of vision as she flopped down into her seat. "So, what are you going to name him?"
Rin giggled and patted her stomach. "We don't know. Maybe Masako, if it's a girl." She snapped her mouth shut and blushed, sneaking a peak at the taiyoukai's face. "And if it's a boy, I wanted to name him Sesshomaru."
The demon was genuinely startled. He composed himself before speaking. "That would be…" His Rin had a baby; his Rin wasn't his Rin. "An honour." He saw her smile at his words. He heard her laugh with Kagome. He watched her voice rise with happiness over the most mundane things. Relief poured over him: she was still Rin. The stranger's costume fell away as he spent time with her, absorbed in shallow chit-chat. Her soul--as vibrant and childish as always--shone through her motions and words. His companion was still in there, buried beneath layers of time.
"And once…" Kagome laughed.
"Did you know that..." Rin giggled.
The two women got along fabulously, their bright personalities bubbling on top of one another. Rin had spent the last few weeks at home alone during the day, deemed 'too pregnant to work.' She was desperate for social interaction.
Sesshomaru was mostly silent throughout their exchanges, chipping in occasionally to throw in a sarcastic comment or grin at an amusing phrase. The women's energy wore down as the sunlight lowered through the window. The mood turned somber as night fell, and all three characters sifted through the polite talk in search of something deeper. None of them wanted the visit to be so shallow.
Rin started moving to light the fire, slow and lumbering in with her stomach throwing off her balance. Sesshomaru sparked the flames and returned before she could even stand.
"Thank you." She said loudly and cheerfully. All of a sudden she was overcome with a fear that he's simply walk away again, and this would be that last time she'd see him. She wrung her hands together in nervousness--Rin was always easy to read--and drew in a lungful of air. "Why did you leave me?" Her words escaped in a flood of breath, and afterwards she blinked, as if she couldn't quite believe she'd worked up the courage to speak them.
Sesshomaru knew that she would ask that. As he'd flown to her house, he'd formulated a million answers. Only those answers were for a different Rin, in a different time; those answers weren't for an adult. He decided to tell her the truth. "I didn't want to love you."
That wasn't quite the best answer he could have given. Sometimes, honestly doesn't work. Rin, thoroughly confused and a bit offended, thought that perhaps Sesshomaru had harbored feelings for he that weren't appropriate. She leaned over the table, her legs crossed, and gripped her cold mug. "You mean…" The next moment stood out as the most awkward second in Rin's life. "Romantically?"
"No." Sesshomaru struggled to explain himself--he wasn't used to justifying his actions for humans. "I…" He thought that Rin, in all of her bright, childlike thoughts, wouldn't be able to understand as Kagome had. She was far too happy. "I didn't want to watch you die."
Confusion reign on Rin's face. "But Sesshomaru, I was young. I'm still young. Why do you worry about something that's so far off?"
'So far off.' Sesshomaru had taken two steps and already Rin was a world older, with life growing inside of her. He didn't want to visit her again--she was aging so fast. How often did women die in childbirth? He saw her face frowning at him, irritated with his nonsensical answers. "I suppose I was confused at the time." He lied.
Rin shrugged in her carefree way, then smiled brightly at him. "Well, that's in the past, I suppose. I'm sure you didn't have much experience in raising humans, really."
"None."
Rin remembered all the awkward teenage moments compiled over the years. As much as it her to admit, perhaps he'd done the right thing. She liked who she was, so something must have gone right. "Alright." Her burning question died out; the last gaping hole in her past had been filled. "Would you like to be the child's guardian?"
Sesshomaru remembered Rin from years back, when she was young enough to pick dandelions. He would like another child--one to visit, one that didn't fear him. Sesshomaru enjoyed children; they were as naïve as he was cynical, and he found that being in their presence balanced him in some way. "I will be the child's guardian."
Kagome yawned, her eyes half open and glazed over with fatigue. Sesshomaru stood up and inclined his head towards Rin in a gesture of respect. He held her hands and aided her in scrambling to her feet. "Kagome and I will depart, now. Your hospitality has been appreciated."
Rin hugged him, pushing away his mask of formality. "Thanks for coming back, Sesshomaru." She felt a lump in her throat; she would be a mother soon, and her childhood was fleeing out the front door. "Visit often, okay?"
Kagome answered for Sesshomaru. "We will! I'll catch up with you later, Rin!"
The priestess and demon fell out the doorway into the cold blackness of night.
"What was it like, seeing her again?" Kagome was securely tangled in Sesshomaru's arms. He flew through the night like a white star, towards the well.
"She was older. I forget how fast humans age."
Kagome burrowed into smooth robes, trying to escape winter's bite. The wind did little to warm her. "Was it hard?"
"Why else would I have avoided her for years?"
"Oh." Kagome's habit of making herself sound stupid was officially starting to irritate her. "You didn't tell her the full truth, really."
"She was content with the lie."
'Like Inuyasha.' Kagome gave her head a mental shake. "So do you wish you had spent all that time with her?"
'I could have, I should have, I…' Sesshomaru didn't want to start digging up the past: let the dead lie. He knew that he did what he did, and there wasn't any point in regretting it. Why dwell on something you're powerless to change? "No."
"No?"
"No, I don't regret leaving her. She is happy now, with her husband and house."
Kagome nestled into the silky fabric bunching around his chest. "Are you happy?" she mumbled.
"On occasion." Perhaps that was why he was so fond of children; simply being alive delighted them. Sesshomaru tried to recapture that feeling of happiness from the previous day. 'Be happy.' It didn't really work.
"But joy would get boring after a while, if that was all you felt." Kagome mused.
"Yes, I suppose it would."
Still, Sesshomaru felt as if he were floating on pain from pocket-to-pocket of glee, that odd spark of laughter that lit up his life. Most of the time was spent pushing through hardships in search of that rare moment when you fall on your knees before the world's beauty. 'Perhaps though, that is normal.' He pushed those thoughts into the back of his mind and focused on nothing but the feeling of flight: the air around him, the stars encircling him, and the horizon glimmering like a black sea. He flew through the night, towards morning.
