"So we struggle and
we stagger down the snakes and up the
ladder
to the tower where the
blessed hours chime.
And I swear it happened
just like this: a sigh, a cry, a hungry
kiss
the Gates of Love they
budged an inch
I can't say much has
happened since
but closing time."
A long time ago, Sesshomaru met Inuyasha's mother.
What struck him, below his father's protective expression and her layers of smooth makeup, was that the woman's hands weren't sculpted and graceful. They were folded and spotted, their texture rough despite expensive creams. She could hide time's toll on her face with thick powders, but her hands revealed everything.
Why take interest in something so temporary?
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Izayoi." Sesshomaru inclined his head in a gesture of respect, all the while watching her fingers folding over themselves in a nervous sweat.
The woman nodded to him. Her long hair shone in rays of spring sunlight; they were in the courtyard, before the day of the wedding. The wind fluttered and pulled at her lovely kimono. The woman met Sesshomaru's eyes; she seemed solemn, as if this were another court proceeding instead of a family matter. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Sesshomaru."
Inutaisho towered above his beautiful wife. He was standing stiffly, his hands straight at his sides and his legs the appropriate width apart. Sesshomaru wondered if his father saw through the gauzy layers of formality and was only pretending to be cold for his fiancée's sake. "You will attend?" he asked, his stare blank as it centered on his son.
"Yes," Sesshomaru responded. Inutaisho's decision to marry a human had lost him respect amongst many nobles. Sesshomaru felt obligated to support his father--even if he couldn't understand his motives.
The grass was soft and green, brushing against their shifting feet. Awkwardness built in the crisp air. The empty courtyard suddenly seemed like a royal prison, fencing in the unfolding and complicated relationships. Izayoi inched closer to her future husband. Her eyes were focused away from Sesshomaru's guarded face.
The adolescent, in all his social grace, ignored the woman and addressed his father with words cloaked in indifference. "You love her?"
Inutaisho felt her stiffen beneath his fingertips. He resented the fact that his son regarded humans as insects, crawling across the land like a dying plague. Although he wasn't so naïve that he believed he could change the boy's views overnight, he hoped that, in time, Sesshomaru would understand him. "I love her," he affirmed.
The young lord nodded as though he understood, though he didn't at all. How could you love the grass dying underneath your feet? With another brief nod to the woman, he walked out of the open courtyard into the cool confines of the castle. He hadn't even thought of asking the human about her feelings.
Their skin was touching.
It wasn't an extraordinary occurrence; they'd been within arm's distance since arriving in Tokyo. He steadfastly kept his eyes on the dissipating fog past the curtains and tried not to focus on it.
Their skin was touching.
Her forearm was lying across his, pressing against his bare wrist. It seemed as if all the heat of his body was concentrated onto that one spot. Her shifted away from her; her hand flopped off of his lap, onto a rough pillow. He frowned and tried to clear his scattered thoughts.
Their bodies were close.
With a low growl he stood up and paced over to the window in tightly controlled strides. His hand were fisted as the night's coldness shone through the glass and brushed his face. He thought that he couldn't love her; if he did, he wouldn't stay by her side. He never attached himself to things he liked. Actually, he tried not to attach himself to anything in general.
Her breathing was loud in his ears. For the first time in many days, he wanted to escape from the girl. Love was something he didn't want to confront, nor understand; it never lasted.
With one last glance at Kagome, Sesshomaru slipped through the front door and into the dark.
The city was a different world at night.
Sesshomaru walked with barefooted across the damp asphalt. The air was still cool and damp; neon lights and flashy billboards leered at black roads. Cars inched past him, their red lights drifting down the lonely streets. He passed busy squares with loud bars. He walked through silent neighborhoods, the crumbling apartments lit up like square stars. He drifted past abandoned factories and frozen parks. He walked all night, remembering.
He remembered his father, how he used to teach silent lessons with strong actions and strict looks.
He remembered his mother, how she used to hold him with her silk-smooth hands and talk to him in a warm, low voice.
He remembered his brother, how he used to cling to him after Inutaisho died.
He remembered Rin, and how she would smile and pick flowers.
He didn't remember Kagome, though, because she was still with him. Marching out of the human city, he realized that he was dwelling in his rusted pain instead of forging new feelings. Life was memories; he could never avoid that.
He climbed up the hill, a hauntingly beautiful creature glowing in the black breeze. His steps quickened; he was nearing the miko. 'She's with me now, and that is what matters.'
In a corner of Sesshomaru's mind, a tendril of regret folded in on itself and faded away to nothing.
The air was clear by sunrise. He sat beside her. Their hands were touching. Lines of translucent red and gold washed over his elegant face. She stirred and stretched her little fists above her head. With a wide yawn she squinted her eyes open.
"Breakfast?" Sesshomaru asked. He was looking at her strangely--she'd say sadly, if she didn't know any better. He didn't move right away though; he kept staring at her with a dark expression, his eyes flowing over her features as if he were looking at her for the first time.
"That would be nice," she said with a smile.
He nodded slowly, and his look softened. He stood up and paused for a second before turning around. His vibrant eyes were boring into hers. In a sudden, smooth motion, he lowered his head to hover just above hers. His hair fell like a silver curtain around their faces. She could feel his breath brushing her lips. "You will die," he whispered. His rough voice was reigned in tightly. "And I won't." 'But we're living now, and that's all that matters.'
He kissed her.
Her lips were soft. He gently--almost as if he were afraid she'd fall apart at any moment--brushed his mouth against hers. It was brief; a second later he was standing straight above her, his pupils dilated and his breath quickening. He looked down at her, and seemed surprised at himself.He'd kissed her. A human. A dead woman. He'd kissed the snow melting, the grass dying, and the clouds rolling off the edge of the sky. He'd kissed a sad memory.
She squirmed up; her face was flushed, and her heart was pounding. She looked at him with wide eyes, and thought, 'This is where it all changes.' For the first time in a long while, she didn't think of Inuyasha. 'Do I love you, Sesshomaru?'
She didn't know if she could handle the answer.
"I…" Her sentence crumbled apart, while she was looking at his forlorn face. He seemed so lost; it was if the earth had changed around him, and he was navigating the labyrinths of a new life. It unsettled her; he was always so sure of himself. "I'd like some toast."
He nodded, his gaze drowning in indecision. Without looking back, he walked into the kitchen.
She was eating her meal loudly, smacking her lips together in the most unflattering way. Sesshomaru sat across from her, looking again out the window. The sun was almost up.
"You should say goodbye," he voiced. "To your family."
"Yeah." The response came in between the crunching of toast and slurping of milk.
He waited patiently for her to finish eating. His heartbeat was finally slowing down. The kiss played over and over in his head. Her mouth was hot, and her breath had tasted of green tea and honey. He'd been so sure before touching her, but afterwards reality came crashing down again. 'She is fleeting.' But she was so clever and beautiful. 'She is frail.' Only he knew how strong she was inside. 'She will fade.' And it had felt so right; he'd been so elated and excited, and he could still feel her mouth against his. He wanted to kiss her again.
She finished her meal and busied herself with disposing of the dishes. While washing a plate, she heard the telltale sounds of her mother awakening, walking into the washroom and closing the door with a muffled thump. Her heart tightened: she'd have to say goodbye.
Really, it was the same as all the other times she'd disappeared. Regardless of that, she felt that for some reason this trip warded special attention. She would be traveling with a lonely youkai for a forgotten world, brimming on the brink of war. It seemed, in the events of the past few days, that everything was dying and growing, and Sesshomaru was the only constant in her line of vision.
With her task complete, Kagome felt useless for the first time she could remember. Her life was steeping in memories; she wasn't working towards anything, and because of that she wasn't worth anything. There was no future for her in the modern era: school was over; she'd sacrificed her future for a hanyou that hadn't gone along with her plans. She stilled, her hands coated in soap bubbles as the sunrise illuminated her world. Maybe that was why she followed Sesshomaru. He was as lost as her.
"I'm leaving, momma."
Miya stood up from her seat long enough to hug Kagome. "Be safe," she said.
"I will."
Her mother smiled at her. "Should I pack you a lunch?"
"No, momma."
The woman stood before her daughter, her heart fluttering and her hands sweating. She didn't know what to do anymore. "Should I wash your clothes?"
"Sure."
"I'll do that." Miya sat back down before her cold rice. "I'll see you in a while." Her eyes stung.
"Bye."
Kagome walked out of the room. Miya bit her lip, and wondered where her child had gone.
"I'm leaving, Souta."
"But you just got here!" He dropped his action figure and ran over to his Kagome. He was as tall as her.
His sister smiled brightly; Souta didn't notice her tired eyes. "I'll come back!"
The boy shrugged awkwardly, a childish grin on his face. "You always do. Will Sesshomaru visit again, too?"
Kagome relaxed in realization that her brother was still a child, and didn't worry the way adults do. She hoped that he would grow up and live the life that'd been stolen away from her. "He'll visit again."
"Cool." He hugged his sister, then picked up his toy again. "Have a good time!"
"Be good, Souta." Kagome walked out the room, and wished that he would stay that age forever.
"I'm leaving, grandpa."
"Hm?"
"I said, I'm leaving grandpa!"
The man frowned and looked up from his book. "Not with that demon, I hope."
"No," she lied. "I'm not leaving with him."
"Good." He drew his heavy brows together and tossed her a serious look. "You be careful, now."
"I will."
Content with her answer, he propped up the novel and continued flicking through the pages. Kagome walked out of the room, and thought that she may never see him alive again.
Kagome was standing outside the well's hut, with the sacred jewel in her pocket and a backpack slung over her shoulder. She lingered at the doorway, unwilling to take that step into the unknown. Shadows and dust swirled in darkness around the well.
Sesshomaru stood at her side wearing a detached expression. He held two books in his hands: 'Of Mice and Men,' and a large volume of poetry. "It may be many years before the war," he said.
"I know." She was rooted to the ground.
"You may die before it takes place."
"I know." She straightened her shoulders, adjusting her bulky pack. The rising sun warmed her face.
He closed his eyes, tilting his head until rays of morning light brushed his eyelids and cheekbones. "Why are you coming, then?"
Her body felt heavy and hot; she licked her lips and looked at her sneakers. "I don't know what else to do."
He didn't say anything; instead, he moved close to her and pressed his fingertips to her wrist. "Sometimes," he said, "There are no decisions to make; only a path to follow." He remembered the kiss, and his fingertips tingled against her skin.
She his words of support lifted her. She took one last look at her home, sitting on the hill and swimming in her childhood. Then, she grasped onto the youkai beside her and stepped into the dark.
A/N--Alright, it's official: I. Write. Angst. Poor Sesshomaru is having commitment issues. But hey--they kissed:)
Compliments/Comments are welcome. If you have any questions I'll answer them.
