I was surprised at the reception of this story so I'm pleased to say that I'm going to continue it. So here is the second chapter for your reading pleasure.
I hope you all enjoy it!
Chapter 2: So You Need a Crew?
Morning sunlight seeped into Naruto's bedroom and fell upon the two beauties resting on either side of the California king-size bed. Harley was lying on her back and smiling in satisfaction while Ivy was on her stomach and snuggling into a pillow; a large white bed sheet covered them. The blonde soon stirred before slowly waking up and looking around the room as the events of last night filled her head, turning her smile into a grin.
She rolled onto her right side and spotted her sleeping best friend then slowly crawled over, tapped her softly on the nose, and whispered in a singsong tone, "Ivy, hey Ive, wake up~."
The redhead steadily opened her eyes and smiled softly upon seeing Harley, "Hey, Harls. Since you're here, I'm guessing last night wasn't some insanely hot wet dream."
"Nope, it was real," the lady clown turned onto her back and let out a content sigh, "That was the best sex I've had in a long time."
Ivy propped herself up a bit, "Because it was with Naruto or because it was a threesome?"
"Yes," said Harley.
Her response made them both chuckle.
The bleached-skin beauty continued speaking, "But seriously, I haven't felt this satisfied in a long time."
"Ugh, tell me about it. I swear after my first time with Naruto, I was completely ruined for other guys. And believe me, I've tried after he left Gotham," said Ivy.
"I totally know what you mean. Even when I was with Joker, I only felt thirty percent satisfied. Maybe thirty-one."
"Well from now on, you can get the full one hundred."
"Though last night was definitely a solid two hundred," Harley smirked at Ivy, "And Ive, I had no idea you could be so 'enthusiastic'."
The redhead blushed and smiled, "Well it's been three years since I last slept with Naruto. I couldn't help it."
A small laugh escaped the blonde's grinning mouth then she said, "But there's one thing I gotta ask."
"Yeah?"
Harley leans in a little closer, "Can you . . . get up at all? My legs are a little numb."
Ivy wiggles around a bit then says, "Mine are too. Again, it's been three years."
The bedroom door suddenly opened and Naruto poked his head in.
He smiled upon seeing the beauties in his bed, "Oh hey, you're awake. Good morning."
The unmasked Red X walked into the room and revealed to be only wearing a pair of dark gray boxers; he also had a spatula in his hand.
Harley and Ivy could not help checking him out before the former said with a lustful tone, "Yeah, a very good morning."
"I'm making breakfast. Figured you two could use the food after last night," said Naruto.
"What a gentleman," Ivy playful smirked.
"Came in to see if you were awake. Now that you are, how do you want your eggs?" he asked.
"Make mine scrambled. Like my mind," said the pale-skinned lady with a manic grin.
"I'll just take mine over-easy," said the redhead.
"You got it," he winked, "Come on out when you're ready to eat."
Harley internally panicked but kept up a seductive front, "Why don't you bring the food to bed?"
"Huh?"
"Yeah. We can cuddle and snuggle while we eat. Like fuckin' newlyweds on their first morning together."
Ivy quickly figured out what Harley was doing and joined in, "Harley's right. Remember all the times we had breakfast in bed after some hot and steamy sex? And how we 'played with our food'? I say we have some more of that-"
"You guys can't move, can you?" Naruto smirked.
"No, we cannot," she answered.
"It has been three years since we've had your dick" shrugged Harley.
The blond male chuckled, "Okay, okay. Breakfast in bed it is. I'll be right back. Feel free to turn on the T.V."
He exited the room as Ivy found the television remote then she and Harley got comfortable.
Naruto was at the kitchen stove, cooking eggs for him and his ladies.
He had just put Harley's scrambled eggs on a plate with bacon, two slices of toast, and a side of fruit salad when he heard Kurama's voice, 'You let HER back in?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!'
'And a good morning to you too, Kurama. Sleep well?' Naruto asked mentally.
'Don't you fucking play cute with me! You took that blonde bitch back? Have you learned nothing?!'
'Calm down, partner,' the unmasked Red X put Ivy's over-easy eggs on a plate with the same fixings.
'Don't you dare tell me to calm down! Did you forget she chose the Joker over you three years ago? And now she's claiming everything is different?! You actually believe the shit she's spewing from her mouth?' growled the nine-tailed fox.
'Yes. Because I can tell Harley's being sincere. Plus it helps that Ivy vouched for her.'
'You should have just let Ivy stay and kicked the other one out! At least Ivy never ditched you for a maniac. I've always liked Ivy, she's perfect for you.'
'Now you're sounding like a doting parent or guardian,' Naruto put a couple of fried eggs he made for himself on another fixed plate.
'Then you should listen to me! Harley will just hurt you again! She did it once already.'
The hero from another dimension turned off the stove before putting the plates of food on a tray with three mugs of hot coffee, 'Kurama, I know you're worried about me. But I'm giving Harley this second chance because I believe she has changed. Plus I still care for her. You know this. So I'm doing this whether you want me to or not.'
He picks up the tray and starts carrying it to the bedroom as Kurama gives a low growl, 'Fine. But don't come crying to me when she hurts you again.'
'Okay, Dad.'
'Do. Not. Call me that,' the nine-tailed fox went quiet as Naruto made his way into the room containing his two Gotham ladies.
"So how did you two find me?" Naruto asked, putting his dirty plate and utensils with the others on top of the nightstand.
He sat between Harley and Ivy on the bed while the trio ate their food and watched the morning news on the wall-mounted television in front of them; all they had left was their coffee. They also took that time to catch up so Naruto was aware about Harley's new goal of joining the Legion of Doom. He personally did not like the idea of her joining the world's biggest 'pieces of shit' but he was going to be supportive about it.
Ivy sipped some of her drink before answering, "Frank said he had your bonsai keep an eye on you these past three years. So we had him tell us where to find you."
"Wait . . . my little bonsai tree? It's been keeping an eye on me? As in watching me?" he asked nervously.
"That's right," the redhead smirked, "And he had a lot to tell. You've been busy . . . very busy."
Naruto quickly cleared his throat then said, "Okay, gettin' back on track. How did you two get into my apartment? I know for a fact I locked the door."
"Oh. We just asked the doorman to let us in," replied Ivy.
"Yep. He just let us in. Very nice of him," said Harley, sipping her coffee.
The truth is they did ask the doorman to let them in . . . after Ivy used her pollen to hypnotize him into leading them to Naruto's apartment and unlocking the door.
"Okay. But now the million-dollar question - what made you guys want to find me after all this time?"
Harley decided to take this one, "Oh, I found your card."
"My card?"
"Yeah, shot out of that fake warhead you had on the train the other night. I saw it and decided it was time to look for you."
"Hold on, how do you know about my fake warhead?"
She sipped some coffee before answering, "I was there to steal it, thought it was real."
"You stole my warhead?"
"Actually Joker swooped in and stole it before I could," she said in a slightly frustrated tone.
"So Joker stole my warhead?"
"Oh no, the prank went off and Joker left it on the train."
Naruto let out a sigh of relief, "Oh good."
"Why's that good?" asked Ivy.
"Because I had a tracker in that warhead. It's supposed to lead my people to the ones who wanted the real one."
"'The real one'?" asked Harley.
He looked at his blonde girlfriend, "Yeah. I snuck onto the train, took the real one, left the fake, and got out of there. Quick and easy."
"Like a cheap date?" Ivy smirked while sipping some coffee.
"Nah, what I did was a lot more fun," replied Naruto.
His words got the redhead to snort into her drink.
A thought soon came to his mind, "You know, Harley, Joker might have done you a favor. If you had stolen my little prank, you would have been laughed at by the entire supervillain community and would probably never get into the Legion of Doom. But since Joker stole it, he's probably getting ten times worse by the Legion."
"As hilarious as that sounds, it still pisses me off that the only reason Joker even stole it from me in the first place is because he had a crew. Like any real supervillain," said a frustrated Harley.
"I don't know about that. I mean I get along fine on my own," smiled Ivy.
Naruto smirked, "I don't know if controlling all of Earth's plants counts as being 'on your own'."
"Oh can it, hotshot," she grumbled before sipping her coffee.
"I love you too, Ivy," he planted a kiss on the side of her head.
His actions caused her to smile and blush a little.
"But if I want to be taken seriously as a supervillain, I need a fuckin' crew," said Harley.
Ivy responded, "Personally I think crews are overrated. You know, it's like, some very successful supervillains work alone."
She directed everyone's attention to the television where breaking news of a superhero-supervillain fight just came on, "I mean look at this guy. Look at Dr. Psycho. Perfect example. Doesn't work with a crew but is still taking on Wonder Woman. Like a champ."
The diminutive and psychotic telepath known as Dr. Psycho waged an epic battle against the statuesque and heroic Wonder Woman on a street in Gotham City, using his powers to throw cars that she repelled with her shield.
After knocking away a thrown vehicle, the Amazon stood proud as she asked her foe, "Still too scared to fight me with your own hands, Psycho?"
"What a grand idea," grinned Psycho as he used his powers to create two giant hands of mental energy and began strangling Wonder Woman with them.
All she could do was let out some choking sounds that made her nemesis laugh.
"What's that? Do you really want your last words to be . . . " Psycho imitates her before cackling.
His helpless foe let out a war cry and used her bracelets to reflect the mental energy back at him, sending him rocketing backwards into a lamppost.
He fell to the ground then stood up and held his head, "That really hurt, you c[bleep]t!"
Wonder Woman looked hurt as the surrounding crowd gasped in shock, a nearby dog stopped peeing, two white doves fell out of the sky, and the world stopped turning; all Dr. Psycho could do was smile and look away nervously.
"Holy shit," was all Ivy could say after she, Naruto, and Harley just watched Dr. Psycho insult Wonder Woman on live television.
"See! If he had a crew, they would've told him to use the B word instead. And if I had one, I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham into naming a highway after me," the lady clown grinned.
"Huh, a highway. All right. Well, you know, that took a weird turn," Ivy slurped some of her coffee.
"But that does sound kickass," said Naruto.
"Okay, see, right there. You just made yourself infinitely better than Joker just by saying that one sentence," Harley snuggled a little closer to him, "Is this what it's like to have a supportive boyfriend? It's nice, very nice."
"Also it might be better to get yourself a crew. I mean you're just starting out so having someone watch your back would not be a bad idea. I mean I sometimes work with a crew and it helps out," said the unmasked Red X.
"You? Work with a crew?" asked his pale-skinned lady, slightly surprised.
"Yeah, sometimes."
"I thought you were purely a solo act," said Ivy.
"Mostly. But on some of my tougher and trickier missions, I go with my team," he explains.
"Huh. Well maybe you can give me some tips. What kind of people do you work with?" asked Harley.
Naruto was about to answer when a large orb of swirling, black smoke suddenly appeared in front of the bed.
The ladies were startled but their boyfriend just set his coffee mug on the nightstand and scooted forward, "There's one of them now."
He was off the bed when the smoke ball morphed into a gorgeous woman wearing a flowing black robe that revealed the middle of her chest and her bare legs and feet. Her hourglass figure, long purple hair, and transparent blue eyes enhanced her natural beauty though her most noticeable feature was the tattoo in the shape of a stylized goat head above her cleavage.
The mystery woman soon laid her eyes upon Naruto and smiled seductively.
"Master," she said in an alluring Romanian accent.
He was about to respond but the unknown beauty wrapped her arms around his neck, started passionately kissing him, and pushed him back onto the bed.
Harley and Ivy were surprised then the former glared at this unnamed newcomer, "What the hell, bitch? Get off our boyfriend!"
Her words caught the lady in black's attention and caused her to stop kissing Naruto before replying, "Your boyfriend? He's my master."
"We don't give a fuck if he's your god. Get off him now!" scowled Ivy.
"You dare command me?" the mystery woman held her arms out as purple smoke wrapped around her limbs and took the form of fanged snakes.
Despite their still somewhat numb legs and nudity, the beauties from Gotham City were ready for a fight but Naruto called out, "Stop! Timeout! Everyone calm the fuck down!"
All three ladies seemed to do just that as he looked at the two in his bed, "Harley, Ivy, this is Tala. She's a sorceress and works with me."
He looks at the woman straddling him, "Tala, this is Harley and Ivy. I told you about them. Remember?"
The smoke serpents disappear from Tala's arms as she spoke, "Oh yes, I remember now. The woman who commands plants and the lover to the psychopathic clown."
"Ex-lover. I left that asshole," corrected Harley.
"And you have now found her way into my master's bed. You'll have to forgive me if I'm the least bit suspicious of your motives," said Tala, narrowing her eyes at the pale-skinned blonde.
Ivy spoke up, "Okay, I gotta ask this. What's with the 'master' shit? You two have some kind of kinky roleplaying thing going on?"
"It's a long story," said Naruto then he looked up at the beautiful sorceress, "Anyway Tala, what brings you here this time?"
A seductive smirk appeared on her face, "Oh Master, must I really need a reason to come see you?"
She leans down to him so their noses were barely touching, "Maybe I just wanted to come and be with you. Have a little 'fun' as well."
One of her hands moves to his crotch and caused Harley's rage to steadily rise to the point where she wanted to break her mug over the newcomer's head; Ivy had the same urge but was doing her best to resist that temptation.
Tala sat back up. "But I'm afraid I'm here to deliver a message."
"What's the message?" he asked.
"The team followed the tracker to the people who wanted that warhead. Turned out to be some kind of splinter cell of the Russian government."
"Please tell me they were taken down."
"They were," she smiled.
He sighed happily, "Good."
"Yes. And now it's time for you to crack 'her' open."
Naruto nodded then Ivy spoke up, "Excuse me. Who are you going to 'crack' open'?"
"And are you being literal or is that some kind of sex thing we've never heard of?" asked Harley.
The unmasked Red X looked up at the sorceress, "I guess it couldn't hurt if they come and watch."
A pout appeared on Tala's face, "Must they? I like it when it's just you and me. Este ca timpul nostru special singur."
Harley leans over to Ivy and whispers, "Yep, definitely a sex thing."
Naruto pats Tala on the hip, "C'mon, let me up. Better get to it."
She hummed in disappointment before getting off of him then her master stood up and made his way out of the bedroom. The sorceress snapped her fingers and the closet door suddenly opened; two large t-shirts flew out and landed on the ladies still in bed.
"Put those on and follow me. That is if you can even walk right now," she said.
Ivy and Harley could indeed walk despite the slight soreness in their legs as they followed Tala through the apartment; the three of them soon found Naruto in front of his thermostat. They watched him flip over the device to reveal some kind of scanner that he pressed his thumb against before it read his print and gave off a small 'beep'. The wall beside him slid open and he and Tala went inside, as did the ladies from Gotham City since their curiosity was intrigued.
Naruto's villainous lovers were taken back at the high-tech looking room they now found themselves in. There was a large workbench with different equipment and computers on the left side, tools and weapons lining a wall on the right, and a worktable in the middle of the area. Lastly, at the far end was a huge glass case containing a mannequin dressed in the Red X suit.
Harley looked around, "Holy shit. This is sweet."
"Just one of the many perks of being Red X," said Naruto, crouching down beside the worktable.
He reaches underneath and pulls out the warhead he stole the other night then puts it on top of the table.
Harley grins at seeing the explosive device, "You still have it?"
The hope of blackmailing Gotham City into naming a highway after her had returned.
"Yeah but not for long," Naruto walks over to the wall holding the tools and takes down a large bar with a four-pronged claw on one end and a turning wheel on the other.
He takes the claw part and locks the prongs into the small holes on the warhead then gives it a strong twist and opens the explosive device up; he sets the tool down and finishes the job by unscrewing the tip by hand.
"Uh why are you opening it up?" asked Harley.
Naruto takes the cone off to reveal a small handle, "Because of this."
He grabs it and slowly pulls out a large cylindrical vial filled with bright red fluid.
His bleached-skin babe comes over and looks at it as he puts it on the table, "What is that?"
"Xenothium. It's what powers my belt," answered her boyfriend.
"Ah dude! You're still using that stuff?" yells Ivy.
The Joker's former sidekick looks at her, "Ive, you know what this stuff is?"
"It's some kind of experimental formula the government's been trying to turn into a new source of clean energy for the past decade or so. The only downside is it makes things explode!"
Harley quickly backs away from the container, "What?!"
Naruto groans a little, "Ivy, we've been over this. Xenothium doesn't make stuff explode. It only overloads stuff that cannot handle the charge it produces."
The redhead frowned, "How is that any different from what I just said?"
"Because what I said doesn't make Xenothium sound like some kind of liquid dynamite."
"It's still just as dangerous if not worse."
"Finally! Someone agrees with me," said Tala.
Naruto groaned again, "C'mon, Tala. Not this again."
"I've been telling him for two years that he should find a new power source for his belt. El este atât de încăpățânat."
The unmasked Red X holds the Xenothium out to her, "Tala, we've been over this. Xenothium is the only thing that can power my belt."
She takes it from him and glares at the supposedly dangerous liquid, "It doesn't have to be. If you just let me, I could find something a lot safer than this disgusting concoction."
Ivy smirked and crossed her arms, "I'm starting to like this chick."
Naruto looks at her with raised eyebrows, "Really? You two going to tag team me on this now or something?"
"If it means getting that liquid bomb away from you so it doesn't blow off your crotch, yeah," answered the eco-terrorist.
"Whoa, wait a minute. 'Blow off his crotch'? That stuff will blow off his crotch if it explodes?" Harley asked in a slightly hysterical fashion.
"Oh yeah. One wrong spark or whatever and 'boom'. Bye-bye Little Naruto."
The blonde babe let out a deep gasp.
"Harley, I promise it's safe. I've used this stuff for ten years-" Naruto said but was interrupted.
"Fuck that! You're finding something different. I just got you and Little Naruto back and there's no fuckin' way I'm letting the two of you get blown up. You hear me?" she yelled.
He let out a loud sigh, "Great. Now it's three to one.
"We're just concerned for you, my beloved master," said Tala in a loving tone.
Ivy chimed in, "And it's what you get for having three ladies in your life who give a shit about you."
"Damn straight!" added Harley.
The poor guy was trapped and he saw only one way out.
He sighs in defeat, "Okay, okay. I'll give it some thought. Fair enough?"
"It is a deal," Tala smiled as the other two ladies agreed.
Her master spoke again, "Okay. Now . . . will you please return the Xenothium to headquarters?"
"Yes, Master," she gently pecked him on the lips, "See you later."
Naruto smiled a little then the sorceress looked at Harley and Ivy, "Ladies."
She turned into a wisp of black smoke and disappeared with the Xenothium.
The only guy in the room let out another sigh, "Something tells me I'm going to be one of those whipped guys in this relationship."
"Suck it up, hotshot. You're outnumbered," said Ivy.
Harley chimed, "Yeah. And we're gonna make sure you and your dick don't go exploding into tiny bloody bits."
"There's a lovely thought," said Naruto sarcastically.
His redhead girlfriend spoke up, "And one we do not want coming true. So you better seriously consider finding something else to power your precious belt."
"Fine. But only because I love you ladies," he sighed for a third time.
Ivy gave him an approving nod in response.
"Well now that we've handled the crisis of our boyfriend's dick flying off his body, I'm still in need of a crew," said Harley.
"Oh right. What are you gonna to do about that?" asked Naruto.
"Simple. Go to U.T.I."
"U.T.I? What's that?"
Ivy answered, "Underworld Talent Incorporated. It's a henchman talent agency for villains."
This surprised him, "There are agencies for henchmen?"
"Seriously? You didn't know?" smirked Harley.
He shrugged, "I don't go to agencies for crew members and such things. I get everything from the U.S. government."
"Anyway, I'll just make an appointment and see if they can fix me up with some henchmen. But I better clean myself up first," the blonde with the bleached skin looks at Naruto, "You mind if I use your shower, Foxy?"
He placed the claw tool back on the wall, "No, help yourself."
"Ive, wanna jump in with me?"
"Yeah sure," said Ivy.
The ladies started leaving the room when she called back to Naruto with a smirk, "You coming, hotshot?"
He looked at her and smirked, "Of course."
The thief and assassin soon followed his two beauties from Gotham City into the shower for a little 'clean' fun.
-(Two hours later at Underworld Talent Inc.)-
Harley was sitting on the white couch in the lobby, waiting for her appointment with the two henchmen talent agents who ran the place to begin. After taking a hot and steamy shower with Ivy and Naruto, she made her reservation and found out their next opening was in two hours. The blonde was ecstatic and used the free time for some 'wholesome fun' with her new boyfriend and the redhead she shared him with.
Still waiting, Harley sighed in boredom then played with her hair before she heard someone coming in from the back room; it turned out to be Dr. Psycho with the talent agents, Dick and Terry.
"So you're certain this whole c[bleep]t thing is gonna blow over, right?" asked the diminutive supervillain.
"Oh yeah," said the tanned Dick.
The bespectacled Terry spoke next, "Sure, yeah. A few talk show appearances . . . "
"Cry about how you love your wife."
Terry laughed as he and his business partner walked their client to the door while ignoring Harley, "It's exactly what we had Mr. Freeze do when he exposed himself at the Gotham water park."
The agent with the ponytail and glasses opened the door for Psycho who said, "You guys fixed that? Wow, you're good. And by good, I mean bad."
His flattery got the pair to laugh loudly though it was one of those 'suck-up' laughs used to make bosses happy; even Harley could tell they were faking.
The foul-mouthed telepath left when Dick and Terry finally noticed their next client with the latter greeting her, "Ms. Quinn, we've been expecting you."
"Thank you," she said politely and stood up.
"Let's get you henched up," said Terry.
Harley smiled at the idea of getting her own crew.
The talent agents took Harley into the back room, closed the windows, darkened the lights, and started showing her some available henchmen via Terry using a laptop wirelessly connected to a large wall-mounted screen.
Right now, they were showing Harley the mugshot and profile of a muscular adult male as the bespectacled agent spoke, "That's Cronk, he's muscle. If you don't mind crazy roid rage, he's your man."
He chuckled before switching out Cronk for an older-looking scientist character, "The Professor, he's brainy."
"So smart," added Dick.
"Not brainy with names though, huh?" Harley said with a smirk.
The pair did their 'suck-up' laugh with the tanned male exclaiming, "Oh my God, so right."
"Beautiful," said Terry then he showed the on-screen profile of a male with a punk rocker theme, "Meet Blaze. Explosives."
"Boom," emphasized Dick.
"Lotta buzz on him."
"Buzz buzz."
"Lotta chatter."
"Chat chat chat chat."
"Lotta heat."
"Yes, and if you don't take him today, he'll have seven offers tomorrow. Goodbye," said Dick, pushing for Blaze's possible new employment.
"Hell, I'll take 'em all. I'll crush Joker with this team behind me," Harley could not resist grinning in determination.
The henchmen talent agents were surprised to hear her say that then Terry spoke, "I'm sorry. I thought you were his girlfriend."
"No, I dumped that bum weeks ago," she said proudly.
"You didn't go back to him?"
"Yeah, like you always do?" his partner asked.
Harley chuckled as if they told her a legit joke, "Fuck no. I'm on my own now."
She stood up and smiled, "So when can these guys start?"
The business partners looked at each other then opened the windows, turned on the lights, deactivated the screen, and closed the laptop as Terry said, "I'm sorry, these men are currently unavailable."
"For how long?" asked Harley.
Terry responds, "For . . . "
"Ever?" Dick finishes.
"Yeah."
"Yeah, forever."
It was at that moment she finally understood what was going on, "Fine. I don't need ya, I don't need any of ya. I'll put together my own crew. One that is excited to work with a real up-and-comer."
She stomped out of the room as the glasses-wearing agent called out, "If you ever get back with Joker, our doors are always op-"
"Fuck you!" screamed Harley then she slammed the doors behind her.
-(Later at Noonan's bar)-
Harley opened the doors and looked around at the myriad of tough and mean-looking goons and thugs hanging out and having a good time. If she was going to put together a crew, this was the second best place to go to.
The up-and-coming villainess somersaulted onto the bar counter and turned to the crowd, "Hey! Hey! Hey you! Are you tired of being a lousy sidekick? Abused, shit on, used as a human shield? Then come work for me! You'll get top dollar, great benefits, and I won't ever, knowingly, send ya to your death."
She pointed her baseball bat to the side where evil sorcerer Felix Faust was using his powers to keep a hell portal open and forcing his goons to jump into it.
One goes in and screams in pain before the next guy walks up and asks, "Wait, was she talking about a job where we don't have to jump into hell portals and definitely die?"
Faust scowls and points to the portal, "Oh just shut up and jump."
His minion does what he is told and yells in pain, "I'm definitely dying!"
Harley watched the whole thing in horror before she turned back to the crowd and resumed her pitch, "I promise you it'll be better than that. Join me and we'll be doing million dollar heists in no time. Who's with me?"
She grinned in joy, feeling that her speech won some of these goons over; she waited for them to start joining her.
"Can't," says one guy at the bar, drinking his beer.
"Busy," says another doing the same thing.
A third thug pulls out his cellphone and says, "I got a family emergency," and walks away.
A fourth tough-looking dude stands up from his table and says, "I-I-I-I-I have a thing."
He rushes over to Faust's hell portal, pushes the next guy in line out of the way, and jumps in before screaming in pain.
Harley watched in disbelief as that one guy would rather kill himself than work for her.
She gets off the bar, sits on a stool, and grumbles, "Assholes."
"Nah! No, no, no, no," said a voice to her left.
She looked and there was Dr. Psycho drinking a scotch on the rocks.
"Before you open your female trap, no way in hell am I working for you," he said before taking a swig of his drink.
"Who asked ya?" she bitterly asked the telepath.
The pale-skinned blonde was given a scotch on the rocks as well then she asked the bartender, "Can you believe c[bleep]t guy's rejecting me?"
She took a drink when the barkeep, looking like a sexy cowboy from a male pin-up calendar, answered in a southern accent, "Well, ma'am, I don't know nothing about that. I'm just a simple farm boy from Oklahoma. I got two parents, three girls, four boys, two lab mixes, both uncut, on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee."
The fact he was explaining all of that to her just seemed a little 'off'.
"What's your problem, weirdo?" asked Harley.
The bartender just gave her a smile, "Why miss . . . I don't have no problem because I am actually . . . "
He suddenly spun around like a hyperactive top as his whole body completely changed then revealed to now be a humanoid, misshapen blob of clay; his spinning also got Harley and Dr. Psycho covered in splashes of goop.
"Jeez," the blonde looked at herself.
"Good fuckin' God," grumbled the telepath, shaking some clay off his hand.
The blob continued to introduce himself and was now speaking in a classical accent, "The name . . . is Clayface. Thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city."
"I thought you were playing the role of 'literal piece of shit'," remarked Psycho.
"Not yet," frowned Clayface before he spun around.
A glob of clay flew into Harley's left pigtail, and she finger-combed it out, "Ugh. It's in my hair."
The shapeshifter stopped spinning to reveal he had changed into the diminutive telepath, "Now I'm a literal piece of shit"
"Okay!" Psycho leapt over the counter and pounced upon the imposter then they got into a fistfight.
Harley grinned and drank her liquor as she watched the other two beat each other up.
"Is it Clayface or Fuckface?!" yelled Psycho as he wailed on Clayface.
Soon after that, Kite Man, the lame villain known for the giant kite on his back, came swooping onto the scene and announced himself, "Hey! Kite Man here!"
He tried to walk in but his kite got snagged on the doorway so he retracted it for a second before entering and jumping onto the closest table.
"Thinking about doing a caper, gang. Not sure what, might steal something, might kidnap somebody. I don't know, uh, depending on the weather. But kite will be involved. Who's in?"
A random guy in the bar calls out, "I'm in!"
Another shouts, "Let's do this!"
Those two along with five others excitedly follow Kite Man out of the bar.
Harley was stunned, "I do not fucking believe this."
-(Poison Ivy's apartment)-
"And then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man," Harley ranted aloud as she paced back and forth in the living room.
Ivy was misting her plants but when she heard about what happened at the bar, she looked at her best friend.
"Seriously? They went with Kite Man? The guy with the kite on his back?" she asked in disbelief.
"I know, right?" the blonde plopped down onto the couch and groaned, "Ugh. It was humiliating."
"Oh c'mon, you'll get your crew. It'll just take some time," said Ivy, trying to cheer her roommate up.
"There has to be something I'm missing or doing wrong," Harley looks at the redhead, "How do I get people to work for me?"
Before the eco-terrorist could answer, Frank spoke up, "She has no fuckin' idea. Because plants do all this shit for her lazy ass."
"Hey, I said something like that this morning," said a sudden voice.
Everyone looked to find Naruto standing in the doorway and wearing a casual outfit consisting of an open black denim jacket over an orange t-shirt, light-blue jeans, and white tennis shoes.
"Naruto," the ladies cried out happily.
Harley's mood skyrocketed upon seeing him then she somersaulted over the coffee table, ran over, and started cuddling into him.
"He's back! My boy's back!" cheered Frank.
Ivy made her way over to her shared boyfriend, "What brings you here, hotshot?"
He wrapped an arm around the redhead and brought her in close, "What can I say? I missed you girls."
"But that was only three hours ago," she smiled.
"Well I get lonely."
"Naruto! What's up? You're lookin' good. Did you get a haircut?" called the Venus flytrap.
"Frank," the blond male went over to the mutant plant, "Long time no see."
"Yeah, three fuckin' years. I missed ya, " said Frank.
"Speaking of which, Ivy said you had my bonsai watch me during that time. And you used that to tell them where to find me," said Naruto.
The talking plant grew nervous, "In my defense, they made me do it."
"Well I have just one thing to say about that . . . " the unmasked Red X reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out something wrapped in butcher paper.
Frank squealed happily upon seeing the bundle and grew excited as it was unwrapped to reveal a juicy-looking steak.
"You did the right thing, buddy," said Naruto and tossed the meat into the air.
"Oh fuck yeah!" the mutant flytrap laughed before he stretched up, snatched the food out of the air, and swallowed it whole.
This was actually a game the two of them used to play before Naruto left Gotham City.
Frank returned to his original size and sighed contently, "I really missed ya, man."
"I missed you too, Frank," smiled the blonde as he petted the mutant flytrap on the head.
One of Ivy's other plants took the paper wrapping from Naruto and placed it in the recycling bin before he went over to the couch.
Ivy returns to spraying her plants, "So really, what brings you to our little corner of the world?"
He sits down as Harley takes a spot next to him and he answers, "Like I said, I missed you guys and I wasn't really doing anything back at my place so I figured I'd spend some time with you two."
Joker's former sidekick was touched by his words, "Awww, that's sweet."
"Funny. I'd figured you'd be doing that Tala chick. Since you're her 'master' and all that," said her best friend.
Naruto looked at the redhead, "Do I detect a little jealousy, my rose?"
Ivy could not resist blushing at hearing his old pet name for her before she answered, "No, fuck whoever you want. You're already being shared between two women. How's one or two more going to make a difference?"
She went back to tending to her plants as her shared boyfriend chuckled then said, "I also came to see how Harley's henchmen recruitment is going."
Said blonde babe let out a loud groan then laid down and plopped her head into his lap.
He looked down at her, "That good?"
"You want the long version or the short version?" asked Harley in a frustrated tone.
"Short."
She took a breath before speaking, "U.T.I. rejected me and the thugs at Noonan's ditched me to work with Kite Man."
"Kite Man? Isn't he the guy with the huge kite on his back?"
"That's him," confirmed Ivy.
"Yep, the one Ivy slept with last week," laughed Frank.
"Frank!" she scowled.
Naruto laughed a little, "You slept with Kite Man?"
"We did not sleep together. I only brought him back here to get the antidote for those kids. I told you about that," said Ivy.
"Oh right," he chuckled as she went back to her plant caretaking.
The blond looked down at the one using his lap as a pillow, "Anyway Harley, you'll get your crew. It'll just take time."
She sighed then asked, "How did you get people for your crew?"
"They were assigned to me. I didn't have to ask or interview anyone."
"Lucky you," she thought for a second as she sat up, "There must be someone who can gimme the inside scoop. Maybe another supervillain."
"Babe, what real supervillain is gonna give away their trade secrets?" asked Ivy, finishing her caretaking.
"Yeah, most of them aren't big into sharing," added Naruto.
An idea soon popped into Harley's head, "Well, maybe not 'give away'."
-(Later at Gotham Exhibition Center)-
The lights went dark in a Greek themed auditorium before the figure of a muscular man rose up from the stage; he lifted his arms and the three screens behind him lit up with lightning bolts. Applause came from the attending audience as the screens turned red with the middle one reading 'SO YOU WANNA BE A SUPERVILLAIN'.
A spotlight from above revealed the mystery person to be Maxie Zeus, a supervillain known for adopting the mythology of Greece for his evil deeds . . . and for thinking he's actually the deity he is named after.
He steps forward, "I am Maxie Zeus! And tonight, I 'max' all your dreams come true!"
Cheers and applause roared from the crowd and among them was an excited Harley sitting in between a bored-looking Ivy and an uninterested Naruto. Honestly, they did not want to be here but they wanted to be supportive of their friend and lover even if it meant listening to a total jackass.
"This guy's such a douche," grumbled the redhead.
"Oh I'm sorry but none of the charming villains with great personalities were holding seminars today," replied the pale-skinned babe in a sarcastic tone.
"This guy's not even a real supervillain, he's just some delusional fuckwit who thinks he's Zeus. He doesn't even shoot lightning bolts or anything," groaned the only guy of the trio.
"Shhh," said his blonde girlfriend before continuing to listen to the villainous speaker.
"Joker. Riddler. Two-Face," Maxie pointed to pictures of each villain on the screen behind him then they turned into a large question mark, "What do they have that you don't?"
"A penis?" Ivy called out in a heckling fashion.
Naruto could not resist joining in, "Grasps on reality?"
"A crew!" answered the speaking supervillain as the word 'crew' appeared on the screen behind him, "A villain goes it alone but a supervillain needs henchmen. When I robbed the 1996 Olympics-"
Another round of cheers and applause came from the audience and made Maxie chuckle, "Oh thank you very much, just lovely. Fun times."
He continued his tale, "My crew helped me steal those medals. And now I literally sleep on a pile of gold!"
Back in the cheering crowd, Harley was listening to his every word.
"Guys, you hear that? Sleeps on gold!" she said excitedly.
"Honestly, with the amount of coke this guy does, I doubt he's sleeping on anything," Ivy chuckled.
On the other side was a bored Naruto pretending to jerk himself off then finish with a raspberry sound before sarcastically saying, "Wow, one act of villainy from over twenty years ago. I can totally see why this guy's such a big fucking deal."
"This asshole would not survive five minutes in our world," growled Kurama from inside his partner's head.
'Tell me about it. This guy actually makes me miss Orochimaru and all the other real bad guys I faced when I was younger,' thought Naruto.
Maxie continued to speak, "So how does one recruit goons?"
The screen behind him changed to a blank presentation slide with the heading 'GOON GUIDE' as he started listing off ideas that appeared as a bulleted list, "Through a henchmen agency. Or from popular villain-"
Harley raising her hand and calling out "Oh" repeatedly interrupted him.
He pointed to her, "Yes, the juggalo in the third row."
She stood up so she could be heard, "Mr. Zeus, I tried those things and they didn't work."
"You can't let rejection stop you. Think about the big boys. Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie," he briefly flexed his muscles before turning towards the crowd, "Are we quitters?"
They gave off a collective "No!"
"Neither are you!" Maxie winked at Harley.
She smiled in inspiration then Ivy stood up and said, "Okay, I'm out."
"Right behind ya," Naruto did the same before turning to his blonde lover, "See you back at home."
He pecked her cheek, leapt over his seat, and followed Ivy out of the auditorium.
Harley opened the door to Maxie Zeus' dressing room and found him sitting on his couch but was surprised to see him propping one of his bare legs on a nearby rolling chair and flexing his toes.
"Oh sorry, sorry. Didn't know you were busy," she closed the door in embarrassment.
"No, no, come in" he said and she did.
"Just letting my legs breath," he kicks the chair over and she sits.
"You were so inspiring. If you don't mind, I just-I got a couple questions," she says.
Maxie takes off his other Greek sandal, "And I've got one big answer."
He claps his hands twice and his stereo starts to play, what many would call, 'in-the-mood' music as the lights around his vanity mirror change their color from white to a dark pink. While this was going on, the man with the god delusion lies on his side, reaches for the rope connected to the curtains above him, gives it a yank to reveal a painting of his naked upper body, and poses seductively.
Harley's attention was drawn to the piece of 'interesting' art, "Wow. It's like one of those paintings, you know, where the eyes follow ya except, no, it's just your greased up nipples."
"Just between us . . . I painted it. Shhh," he said as he sat up.
"Weird. So hey, I was wondering if you'd just give me some pointers."
"Well I can certainly give you one," he opened his legs to reveal that he was going commando under his toga.
Harley was disgusted, "Ah, got it. So you're just a creepy dick. I'm not fuckin' you."
She got up and made her way to the door as Maxie scowled, clapped his hands which made his room return to normal, and stood up, "Oh? Really? You were laughed out of U.T.I."
The former sidekick was out of the room when she heard that and stopped in her tracks, remembering how those assholes rejected her.
She turned back to the face the pretentious dick as he said, "Yeah! Word gets around! You'll never get a crew! Because no bad guy will ever work for a woman! My two cents."
He smirks, sits back down, and flashes her as if to mock her.
"Then here's mine. See an urologist 'cause 'creepy dick' wasn't just an insult, it was a concern," said Harley.
Maxie looked down at his penis, wondering if she was right.
She kept speaking, "And if no bad guy will work for me then maybe I don't need a bad 'guy'."
-(Back at Ivy's apartment)-
"Harley, I told you this, I work alone," said Ivy.
Naruto snorted while Frank retorted, "Alone-ish."
"Don't you two start with me right now," the redhead went back to reading an article in a gardening magazine while she leaned against her boyfriend who was watching television with the mutant plant.
"Come on, Ive. With your ability to control all plant life on Earth and my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we can't do if we team up," Harley pleaded her case.
Her best friend replied, "I said no. I mean I got a brand. You know? It's like, adding gymnastics to it, it's a very muddled message."
"Tell her the real reason, you lying motherfucker," said Frank.
Ivy sighs, "Oh God, here we go."
She places a hand on Harley's shoulder, "Alright, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay? Like, sure, we're tolerated but as long as we don't get too powerful."
"I'm sorry, my rose but please tell me you aren't being serious about that crap," said Naruto, listening in.
The blonde with the pigtails spoke, "I'm with Naruto, Ive. Aren't you being a little dramatic?"
"Guess their naïve asses haven't heard of the Queen of Fables," said Frank.
The unmasked Red X facepalmed, "Oh God, her."
"Hold on, who's the Queen of Fables?" asked Harley.
Naruto sighed as he muted the television, "You better let Ivy tell you."
"Yeah. Go on Ivy. Tell the story. I'll set the mood," said the mutant plant before he dimmed the lights.
"Alright, alright. Thanks, Frank," Ivy went on to tell the tale as everyone listened, "So, a long time ago, way back in the 80s. There was this powerful sorceress, right? She was known as the Queen of Fables. Fed up with being a footnote to the male supervillains, she decided to turn Gotham into an evil force by using sorcery to pull characters from the pages of storybooks. Until she had a whole army at her command."
"What happened to her?" asked Harley.
"Ask her yourself," her best friend pulled out and held a purple-colored business card to her.
Before the blonde could take it, Naruto snatched it away and stood up, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You aren't seriously gonna send Harley to that nutjob, are you?"
Ivy answers, "Naruto, she needs to know the disadvantages she's at and the hurdles she'll face as a female supervillain."
"Ivy, I'm sorry but this gender inequality bullshit is, well, bullshit. And it's not the reason why Harley cannot get a crew."
Harley joins in on the conversation, "But it's the only thing that makes sense. Even Maxie Zeus said that bad guys would never work for a woman after he tried to fuck me."
"Gonna ignore that last part for now. But first of all, just because that greased-up asshole said it, doesn't make it true. And second, you being a woman has nothing to do with you not getting a crew," said Naruto.
"Well what else could it be?" she asked, crossing her arms.
"It's because you're you."
Harley glared at him, "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"
He held up his hands in defense, "Sorry, sorry! That came out wrong."
"It better have," frowned Ivy.
First day of their new three-way relationship and Naruto was already in trouble.
The unmasked Red X sighed, "Okay Harley, let them ask you this – have you ever led a crew before?"
"Uh . . . no," she answered.
"Have you done any villainous act or crime that was not connected to Joker?"
"Well no."
"And have you ever done anything that has cemented your name in terms of villainy?"
It was Harley's turn to sigh, " . . . No, I haven't."
"That's what I'm saying, babe. You're inexperienced as a supervillain, an up-and-comer. No one is going to work with you right away because in their eyes, you're just Joker's scorned ex-girlfriend and former sidekick. You want to get a crew? You gotta show them that the old Harley Quinn is dead," Naruto advised.
"All the better for me to go see this Queen of Fables. Maybe she's got some tips," said Harley.
"Harley, trust me. You do not want to get involved with her-"
She held out her hand and glared, "The card."
Her boyfriend sighed in defeat, "Fine. Just promise me one thing."
"What?"
"Don't let her get into your head," he gives her the card and plants a kiss on her forehead.
Harley blushed a little but got over it by the time she looked at the card.
-(On a business strip street)-
Harley followed the address on the purple business card until she found herself in front of a building with a matching sign that read,
'Taxes 4 *Free '
'*Not 4 free.'
She went inside to find it was some kind of tax consulting office; she soon heard a woman speaking and followed the voice.
It led her to a room where a guy with folders was sitting in front of a desk as someone was talking to him, "FYI, bailin' out your klepto aunt with the snow globe fetish does not count. Next!"
He stands up and leaves then Harley comes in, "Uh, hey. I'm looking for the Queen of Fables?"
"Just found her sweetie," said the female voice.
Harley looked around but did not see anyone else in the room.
"No. Why you lookin' up there for? Down here. The book. Me," the blonde directed her eyes to the desk where she found a tax code book talking and smoking a cigarette, "I'm stuck in this bullshit. I've got twenty minutes 'till my next appointment. What's up?"
This situation was a bit weird but the former sidekick took it in stride and sat down, "Hey, my name's Harley Quinn. I'm a new supervillain, and I was told I should ask what happened to you."
The Queen of Fables sighs before having a quick coughing fit then says, "Alright. Buckle up, honey. It's story time. So there I was with my crew, a bunch of dumb storybook things, when the heroes showed up. Ugh! It was a horror show. Batman comes and cracks open Humpty Dumpty before turning Pinocchio into firewood, Wonder Woman decapitates my fuckin' dragon, and Superman tears off Jill's head and burns it!"
"No, no, no. There's no way Superman did that," said Harley, knowing the aforementioned hero's goody two-shoes nature.
"I exaggerate to add flavor. So sue me," the trapped supervillainess continued her story, "But the truth is . . . they punished me in a way no one has ever been punished. Instead of throwing me into Arkham like any male villain, they came up with this bullshit."
She taps her cigarette to knock off the ash into her tray, "I mean, a guy robs a bank, he's a criminal mastermind. A woman robs a bank-"
"She's a crazy bitch," finished Harley.
"Exactly! Think about it. A male supervillain can literally look like a deformed penguin but God forbid we outshine them even a little bit and into the fucking tax book we go. Forever."
"Yeah. You can get as big as you want . . . as long as you don't get bigger than them."
"Yeah, you get it. And your ambition won't just hurt you. It'll hurt the people you care most about."
Outside the door, The Gingerbread Man, the Queen of Fables' only surviving storybook character henchman, walks up with a quarter of his head missing, his left leg gone so he was walking with a crutch, and tattoos on his chest and arms.
"Birthday cake for the boss at four," he called into the office of his former boss.
"Thanks, Mark," said Queen of Fables.
"God, I hate this place. But at least I'm not on the street turning tricks for cash anymore," the cookie smiles at that thought before walking away.
Fables sighs, "Who knows. Maybe your story will turn out different. I couldn't get a crew 'cause no one believed in me. So I had to make my own by believing in stupid little things like Mark."
Mark looks into the room upon hearing the insult about him then the trapped villainess said, "No offense, Mark."
The cookie just sighs and hobbles away.
The Queen of Fables went on to speak, "But yeah, honey, you've got a tough road ahead of ya. It's a male supervillain's world out there and we women cannot catch a break. No one respects us and no one wants to work with us."
"That's not what Naruto said," said Harley.
"Who?"
"My new boyfriend. He said the reason I can't get a crew is because I'm new on the scene and not because I'm a woman," explained the blonde.
"Oh really? Is he a supervillain?" asked the talking book.
"Well no, not exactly."
She could not exactly tell the trapped sorceress that she was dating the infamous Red X, menace to many criminals and supervillains everywhere.
"Then what the fuck does he know? Trust me. Don't believe any of that shit. There's a glass ceiling for us and it's not going away anytime soon," said the Queen of Fables.
Her words just made Harley give off a small sigh.
-(Back at Poison Ivy's Apartment)-
"Queen of Fables, pretty fun, right?" asked Poison Ivy, clad in her pajamas and watching television as her best friend walked into the apartment.
Harley walked over to her then sighed, "You could say that."
She looked around and saw no sign of their shared boyfriend, "Where's Naruto?"
"He headed back to Metropolis. Said something about having to do something important tonight," answered the redhead as she sat up, "Anyway, how was her former majesty?"
The blonde sat down next to her on the couch, "She was pretty bleak. Before I left she was like, 'I have to use the bathroom. There I did it.' Did you send me to her because you think I can't do this?"
"No, Harley. I sent you there because I know you can. Look . . . it's like I said earlier, I wanted you to know what you're up against, you know, 'cause I, uh . . . I love ya."
Her best friend in the whole world could not help feeling touched as a smile appeared on her face.
"But don't make a thing of it. Even though we, technically, did have sex together," said the eco-terrorist with a straight face.
She suddenly felt a drop of water hit her shoulder and heard the sound of sniffling; she turned to see it was Frank crying from their emotional talk as tears fell from his eye-buds.
"Anybody feel that shit but me?" he asked, taking a tissue handed to him by one of Ivy's other mutant plants.
He wiped his tears away, "A man can't show emotion!"
Ivy chuckled, "A man?"
"Fuck you, Ivy."
Harley spoke up, "Look, I appreciate your warning but Queen of Fables did make me realize something. If I want a crew, I shouldn't be looking for scumbags who believe in me. I should look for scumbags no one else believes in."
"Right, okay. So, so, so, that was the takeaway from the chain-smoking book and the trick-turning cookie?" asked Ivy.
"Yeah!" the blonde grabbed the remote and turned up the volume on the television, "And I know just where to start."
On the screen was the newest episode of 'Tawny!' and guest starring on it was Dr. Psycho, his wife Giganta, and their emo teenage son Herman.
"Welcome back. We have here Dr. Psycho," said newscaster and television host Tawny Young.
When the villain's name was spoken, the crowd started to boo very loudly; some even flipped him off.
"He says he's here to apologize for using the C word," Tawny informed her audience.
A woman amongst them cried out, "Woman hater!"
Dr. Psycho tried to play it off by laughing at bit, "What? Hate women? I cherish them. No one on God's green Earth respects women like this guy."
His words were not exactly winning over the people as they still booed.
"I know, I know," said the blonde host before directing her attention to the giantess on stage, "Giganta, girl, how are you feelin' about all this?"
Psycho cut into the conversation, "She is devastated that the world is attacking a man she knows is so kind, is so loving-"
"Let's hear it in her own words."
"Those are her own words. I'm a telepath, right? She thinks it, I say it," he smiles at his wife, "Isn't that right, honey? She said 'right'."
More boos come from the studio crowd as Tawny protests, "She did not say 'right'!"
She turns to her audience, "Did y'all hear her say 'right'?"
"She was talking to me!" shouted Giganta as she flipped off her husband who fell of the couch in surprise.
Tawny nodded in agreement as the giant woman kept speaking, "An individual person who exists outside of you!"
Dr. Psycho crawled back into his seat as the blonde host supported his wife, "Go, girl."
"A person who, for years you mind controlled . . . "
The audience cheered for Giganta as the diminutive telepath grumbled, "Don't do this."
" . . . into thinking they loved you!"
"Do not do this!"
"A person who is leaving you!" Giganta soon walked off the stage as their son followed her.
The crowd cheered then Dr. Psycho shouted after her, "Why you get back here, you miserable c[bleep]t!"
A collective gasp came from the studio audience, Tawny, a female camera operator, and the cue card handler were frozen in shock, a nearby dog peed in surprise, and the world stopped turning.
On the television screen, Dr. Psycho let out a groan and hung his head in defeat.
"Holy shit! He just became the least employable person on Earth," laughed Ivy.
"Exactly," smiled Harley.
-(Later at Noonan's)-
"So, you know, I thought, hey, maybe you should join me and my crew," Harley pitched to Dr. Psycho as they sat at the bar while Clayface, still playing the southern bartender, cleaned some glasses.
The telepath chuckled in response, "Join you? I'm in the big leagues, mama. The L.O.D. The Legion of Doom. Hard pass!"
Suddenly, a newsflash appeared on the television suspended from the ceiling; it was a press conference being held by the Legion of Doom. Assembled were Black Manta, Bane, Scarecrow, Cheetah, Gorilla Grodd, and Sinestro with Lex Luthor behind a podium as the speaker.
"We cannot condone Dr. Psycho's use of the C word, as it does not represent our brand of evil. We hereby banish him from the Legion of Doom, Legion of Doom Europe, and The Junior Doomers of America," he said to the reporters.
The idea of 'hitting rock bottom' crept into Dr. Psycho's mind so he did the only thing he could do now.
The newly casted-out supervillain flashes Harley a smile, "Did I say 'hard pass'? I meant soft accept. I wanna join your crew. Not because I think working for a female will help rehabilitate my ruined image, blah, blah, blah . . . It's for other reasons."
He started to sip his drink as the up-and-coming villainess narrowed her eyes at him as if to say she did not believe his words.
"I don't hate women!" he yelled, slamming his glass onto the counter and splashing some of his liquor onto his lap.
"Kinda seems like you do," retorted Harley.
"Whoo-hoo, the salty language that comes outta your mouth. I'm just glad my Mama Jean ain't allowed to hear it," chuckled Clayface, still using the southern accent.
The blonde with the pigtails chimed in, "Even hot southern bartender character thinks you're a piece of shit. But I believe in you and I think you have a part to play."
Excitement hit the disguised shapeshifter, "Did you say a 'part'? Then you must also require the services of . . . "
He spun around, sending out globs of clay flying as Harley and Dr. Psycho shielded themselves with the latter grumbling, "Fuck, not again."
Clayface returned to his original form, " . . . an actor!"
His offer got the former sidekick excited as she smacked the counter, "You're damn right I do. You, me, and Psycho. This is gonna be the start of something huge."
They grabbed their drinks, clinked them together, and took a sip thus sealing the deal of their new partnership.
"So what's our first evil scheme? Is it a nuke in a volcano?" asked Dr. Psycho.
"Evil scheme?" Clayface thought for half of a second before coming up with something, "Oh, a honey pot heist where I seduce Gotham's mayor with my saucy Sheila character?"
"How do you feel about petty, personal vendettas?" Harley grinned mischievously.
-(Later at Maxie Zeus' residence)-
Harley and her new crewmates stared at the marble statue of Maxie Zeus sitting on a Greek throne as his open legs displayed his genitalia.
Dr. Psycho observed the sculpted lower body part, "Uh, I say more unsettling than creepy. Nope, disturbing. That's it! Found it."
The blonde pointed her bat at the statue, "Alright, we're gonna steal this asshole's gold medals and anything else we can get our hands on. Like the saying goes-"
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," chimed in Clayface.
"Oh. I was gonna say 'The prick has it comin'' but yeah, I like your fancy way better."
"So what's the plan?" asked a voice that surprised them.
They looked to see Naruto decked out in his Red X gear coming around from behind the statue then he leaned up against it.
"Ah fuck! It's Red X! We're dead! He's gonna kill us and piss on our corpses!" Dr. Psycho cried out in fear, running to the back of Clayface for protection.
"Jesus, Psycho, calm down," said Harley then she grinned and sashayed over to her boyfriend, "Hey Boo."
"Hey beautiful," said Red X.
Once she reached him, a section of his helmet slid open to reveal his mouth and the blonde with the bat immediately started French kissing him passionately. She moaned and put her arms around his neck before jumping up and wrapping her legs around him; he held her up as they made out. Dr. Psycho and Clayface watched the whole scene and could not help feeling both confused and uncomfortable.
Harley finally broke the kiss and looked at Red X with hungry eyes, "Pull down those pants and let me suck your dick."
She hopped down and was about to search for his fly when her telepathic teammate cleared his throat loudly, "Excuse me . . . but what the fuck is going on here?!"
"Oh right, forgot you guys were here," the pale-skinned babe chuckled nervously as her boyfriend's mouth covered itself back up.
She cleared her throat before speaking, "X, meet my new crew, Dr. Psycho and Clayface. Psycho, Clayface, meet my boyfriend, Red X."
"Hiya doin'?" Red X gave them a greeting wave.
Clayface returned the gesture, "A pleasure."
"Your boyfriend? You're fucking Red X? When did this happen?" shouted a surprised Dr. Psycho.
"Last night. Me and Poison Ivy had one hell of a threesome with him and decided to both date him," she answered casually.
The telepath facepalmed, "Oh God."
Harley looked back at Red X, "So sweetie, what brings you here? Ive said you had something important to do."
"I did and I do. It's here," he answered.
"Here?"
"Yeah, I'm after those gold medals just like you guys."
"Ah shit! He's gonna take the medals then slit our throats! I knew it! We're going to fucking die!" cried Dr. Psycho.
"I'm not going to fucking kill you! I listened to your conversation and got the sense this is some kind of revenge against Maxie. I want in."
"You want in? Why?"
"Yes. What could you possibly gain from this venture?" asked Clayface.
Red X narrowed his eyes, "My reasons . . . are my own."
This scared Harley's new crewmates but she gasped and smiled, "Oh my God, this is about earlier. You're here to get back at him for tryin' to fuck me."
"What? No. I'm a master thief and I steal from other supervillains. It's part of my gimmick or whatever," he tried to play it off but what he said was an obvious lie.
Harley hugged his left arm, "Awww, my hero."
Under his helmet, a huge blush crept upon Naruto's face.
"Yeah, yeah, this is all sweet and shit but can we please get this show on the road?" grumbled Dr. Psycho.
The blonde with the pigtails reluctantly let go of her boyfriend then said, "Right. Everyone, follow me."
She led the group over to one of the large bushes in front of the main house and they all ducked down behind it for cover.
"Alright, here's the plan – Me, X, and Psycho will go in through the back, find his loot, and clean him out. Clayface, you go knock on the door, pretend to be the mailman, and distract him," explained the crew leader.
"What do we know about this mailman? What are his dreams? His fears? His raison d'etre?" asked the shapeshifter.
While he spoke, Harley went over to the mailbox, grabbed the envelopes from inside, and rejoined the guys.
"Who gives a shit? You're just a mailman," she answered him.
Clayface gave a huge smile, "Brilliant! That's what the world sees. Just a mailman. But we, yes, we know better don't we?"
The other three looked at each other as he began constructing the backstory of his new character, "He was a horribly neglected little boy and he grew up in a cage! The only time he heard rumblings from the outside world was when the mailman came, which is why he spent his whole life dreaming of being one."
"Yeah, no. None of that. You're just a mailman. Deliver the mail," Harley shoves the mail into his hands before she and Red X made their way towards the house.
"Oh! She demands perfection, doesn't she?" Clayface said excitedly as his short-statured companion groaned, "And she'll get it. My mind is awhirl with the delicious new character you'll soon meet."
"I can't even," groaned Dr. Psycho.
He went to join the others while the actor blob spun to change into his new role.
A hand grabs the lion-shaped doorknocker and gives it a few knocks before the door opens to reveal Maxie Zeus.
"Who dares disturb a living god . . . after nine p.m.?" demanded the false deity.
A mailman holds out some envelopes to him, "Here's your mail . . . Dad."
The postal worker takes off his hat to reveal his face, showing that he looked similar to the supervillain except younger.
This confused the already delusional man, "Dad?"
"Years ago, you met my ma in a piano bar and knew you must have her. Damn what your parents thought. She might have been from the wrong side of the tracks, but she was on the right side of your heart."
Around the corner, Harley, Dr. Psycho, and Red X watched what was happening while making sure to stay out of sight of Maxie Zeus.
"The fuck is he doing?" the former sidekick asked.
"Don't ask me, he's with you," answered her boyfriend.
"I'm done," Dr. Psycho facepalmed at the antics of the disguised Clayface.
"It's really you?" asked the fake god, possibly buying the story.
His equally fake son just smiled as Zeus said, "I . . . I thought I'd lost you forever after Piano Bar Janet said she . . . 'took care of it'."
"Oh, she tried. But it didn't take," responded the 'mailman'.
"Of course it didn't. For you . . . are half god!"
Maxie embraced his 'long lost son' who hugged him back.
Back with the other three, Harley, Red X, and Dr. Psycho made it to the backdoor.
"So, who do you need me to mind control to open the door?" the telepath asked sinisterly.
"No, no, no one. Just squeeze in the crawl space, get into the house, and open it from the inside," answered the pale-skinned beauty as she opened the little door to the aforementioned area.
Her new crewmate scowled, "Are you shittin' me? I'm a genius telepath, why you wasting me on this? Why not your boyfriend? Isn't that like his specialty?"
"Don't look at me. She's in charge," said Red X.
"Yeah and you're the only thing small enough to fit," she added.
"Got it," the telepath said in defeat before crawling into the small space, "Son of a bitch!"
There were some thuds and bumps before he cried out, "Argh! My eyelashes just touched a dead raccoon!"
"Quit your bitchin' and keep going," Harley called to him.
His only response to that was "God, this is humiliating."
Maxie Zeus and his 'son' were sitting on the couch together in the former's Greek-themed living room.
"Son, we have much to catch up on," said the false deity.
Clayface replied, "Yes, Father. Or should I call you . . . Dad?"
"Call me Almighty Zeus. God of the sky and thunder, supreme ruler of Olympus and all of Earth below."
"Okey-doke," shrugged the 'mailman'.
Harley leads Dr. Psycho and Red X into Maxie Zeus' Greek-styled bedroom where there were statues of himself everywhere though the most disturbing feature were the sculptured pillars of his naked lower body surrounding his bed.
"Wow! And I'm an egomaniac," exclaimed Dr. Psycho as he took in the decor.
"Yeah, this looks about right," said Harley as she led them to the bed.
Red X noted all the sculpted penises and erections everywhere, "I bet the real Zeus doesn't love his own dick this much. Probably has a smaller ego too."
"So where the fuck does he keep those stupid medals?" the telepath asked Harley.
"Easy. He said he literally sleeps on a pile of gold," she answered before flipping the mattress off the bed.
There was a metal box within the frame; excitedly, the pale-skinned supervillainess grabs and pulls out the container . . . but grows angry at seeing the huge padlock on the front.
"Are you shittin' me? Again?" she hissed.
Red X holds a hand out to the box, "Hand it over. This is where I shine."
Harley was about to give it to him when Psycho chimes in, "What are you doing? Don't give it to him! Does the phrase 'no honor among thieves' mean anything to you? He'll shove a knife through our skulls!"
"Will you give it a rest with that?" she growled at the telepath before giving her boyfriend the metal container, "Open it."
The master thief took it and knelt down on the floor while taking out a device similar to a laser pointer from his belt. He pointed it at the padlock, turned it on, and an actual laser beam started melting through the shackle.
"And then after getting the Medal of Honor in war, I toured the world playing ping-pong," said the disguised Clayface, keeping the supervillain distracted.
"What a remarkable journey your life has been. And so oddly similar to that of Forrest Gump," said Maxie Zeus, stroking his beard.
When he heard that, the 'mailman' grew a little nervous.
The fake god continued to speak, "It is rather strange you don't share your mother's brilliant blue eyes."
His fake son smiled then, with a few blinks, changed his eye color to blue.
Zeus noticed, "My mistake, I guess. Trick of the light."
Clayface sighed in relief.
"Although I don't know how you avoided her family's proclivity for . . . hunchback?"
The shapeshifter grew antsy again.
Back in the bedroom, Red X soon finished melting through the shackle of the padlock then took it off the metal container.
He hands it back to Harley with a wink, "All yours, beautiful."
"Thank you, babe," she took it and opened it as a golden light shone from within.
"Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals," said Dr. Psycho happily.
Harley closed the box, "Okay. Let's get outta here and rendezvous with Clayface."
She started leading them out of the room but Red X spied one of the stone statue erections and an idea came to his head.
"Go on without me. I'll meet up with you guys later," he said.
"What? Why?" asked Harley.
"Trust me, you'll like it. Go."
Upon his insistence, she and Psycho left as the master thief took his laser cutter out again.
Harley and Dr. Psycho snuck their way over to the stairs and were making their way down when the latter caught sight of Clayface, "What the hell?"
Whatever happened between him and Maxie Zeus caused the shapeshifter to make some adjustments to his form, which now included a large hunched back, an overbite, a crooked right leg, and a pegleg for his left.
"Son, you are the spitting image of your mother," said Maxie.
"I'm so glad you think so, Daddy Zeus. But it's so sad she suffered from a lisp," said the 'mailman' in the aforementioned lisp.
"Oh you . . . lying piece of shit!" the fake god yelled as he stood up, "Did you really think I'd fall for this?"
Clayface just gave a nervous smile and shrugged, "Perhaps?"
He was grabbed by his front as Zeus scowled, "Who do you work for, monstrosity?"
He punched the shapeshifter in the face, "Joker?"
From the stairs, Harley saw this and looked ready to jump in, "Oh, no, you didn't!"
Dr. Psycho stopped her, "Wait, wait, wait, don't emasculate him."
Zeus slugged Clayface again, "Riddler?"
The blonde on the stars still looked ready to go but the telepath just said, "No, no, no, he's about to rally. I can feel it."
Maxie knocked the shapeshifter to the ground then performed an elbow drop on him, "The Penguin?"
He picked up his beaten victim then threw him at the wall where his disguise finally fell apart, reverting him back to his original form.
The fake deity wasted no time in picking him up except upside down this time and looked ready to perform a piledriver, "Tell me who you work for, creature, or the next blow will be a killing one."
"He works for me, you oily bitch!" yelled Harley from the stairs.
Maxie dropped Clayface and gave her a smug smirk, "Well, if it isn't the girl I chose not to have sex with."
She just stuck her tongue out at him as he said "Regrettably, you're too late I'm afraid."
The fake god took a marble statue from its pedestal and was ready to use it to squash the clay-based shapeshifter who whimpered, "No!"
Finally having enough, Dr. Psycho gave a small scream and used his telepathic powers to move Clayface out of the way in time for the statue to shatter upon hitting the floor.
"Thanks, Psycho," the actor said, still lisping and giving his savior a thumbs-up.
"Alright, dickhead. Just drop the lisp," responded the telepath.
"I wish I could, but I bit my tongue," said the clay man, showing his bitten tongue.
After giving Psycho the box, Harley somersaulted onto the downstairs banister then flipped and landed in front of Maxie Zeus.
"You said no woman could ever get a crew of bad guys. Well I didn't just get bad guys, I got two of the fuckin' worst," she said with an evil grin.
"You call that a crew? A midget and a mudslide?" the fake god proceeds to laugh.
This just pissed the blonde beauty off then her new crewmates regrouped with her as she said, "I'll give you one chance to tell the world Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with."
"Or what?" smirked Zeus.
His answer came in the form of her snapping her fingers; Dr. Psycho levitated six marble busts and sent half of them flying at the delusional supervillain who dodged them. Two more sandwiched him while the last one started to pound him repeatedly like a hammer onto a nail.
Harley smirked, "Had enough, dickhole?"
Maxie Zeus yelled before getting to his feet and smashing the three levitating statues with his enhanced strength; he had a few cuts on his face, a beaten eye, and a bloody nose.
"Fuckin' hell!" said a surprised Dr. Psycho.
The fake deity chuckled, "Is that all you got? I'm Zeus! King of the gods! What do you have? Huh?"
Harley looked behind him and smirked, "Him."
Maxie felt someone tap his right shoulder then he turned around and came face-to-face with Red X.
"Hey," said the thief in black.
Zeus stepped back in surprise, "Red X? What are you doing here? Are you working with them?"
"Nah, just doing my lady a favor."
"Your . . . lady?" the fake god looked back at Harley and soon realized he had fucked up, "Shit."
"Yep."
Zeus throws a powerful punch at the master thief who evaded then threw three of his own at the supervillain's face with the last one breaking his foe's nose and sending him to the floor.
Red X looked down at the floored 'deity', "You know, the last time I checked . . ."
He knelt down, grabbed Zeus' broken and bloody nose, and gave it a rough twist, which caused him to scream in pain.
The assassin clad in black let go, " . . . gods don't bleed."
He flicked some of the blood off his hand and onto the fake god's face before standing up.
He turned to his girlfriend, "Harley, you mind if I borrow your crew for a minute?"
She grinned, "Please, go right ahead."
"Thank you," he turned to Clayface and pointed to Zeus still on the floor and whimpering in pain, "Clayface, hold him up."
The shapeshifter stretched his arms, coated the supervillain's entire upper body in clay, and held him up.
"I'll rain thunder down upon your fucking heads!" screamed the so-called King of Olympus as he started squirming.
"Psycho, keep him still," order Red X.
The diminutive telepath send out a beam of mental energy to grab and keep Zeus from moving.
"Now, onto the good part," said the master thief as he walked towards the back of the fake god and lifted the back of his toga to reveal his butt, humming the whole time.
"What do you think you're doing, X?" demanded Maxie.
"Just relax, you might enjoy this," the disguised Naruto pulled out the stone penis from earlier then looked at Harley's crew members, "Bend him."
The blonde with the pigtails grinned, "Oh, I like where this is going!"
"Me too!" cackled Dr. Psycho as he and Clayface put Zeus in the requested position.
This finally got the so-called god nervous as he looked back at Red X, "Wh-wh-what are you going to do?"
"Something I learned down in Mexico called El ano llorando," the thief and assassin pulled out a bottle of hot sauce, which had the words 'extra spicy' on the label.
Maxie Zeus grew terrified as Harley laughed, "Yes! This is better than I could ever have imagined!"
Her boyfriend poured hot sauce onto the stone penis as the 'god' panicked, "Whoa, whoa, Red X. Surely we can make a deal. A deal with almighty Zeus can make all your pleasures come true."
"Hmmmm . . . nah," Red X plunged the hot sauce-covered fake erection into the butthole of the supervillain who screamed at the sudden intrusion.
"Oh fuck yes! Give it to him, babe! Give it to him hard!" cheered Harley as her crewmates were doing their best to keep Maxie in place while trying to hold in their laughter.
"Oh for the love of Olympus! Pull it out! It burns!" cried the false god.
"What's wrong? You seem to love your dick. I just thought I give you the joy of having it inside you," said Red X as he kept pushing and twisting the spicy fake genitalia.
His actions made Zeus yell and whimper in pain as the hot sauce was doing its job.
"Man, you're a tight one, aren't ya?" grunted the master thief while still inserting the stone dick into the false deity's ass, "I think I need a little help."
He looked at Harley, "Babe, think you could give me a hand?"
His girlfriend grinned excitedly, "Hell yeah! Psycho, Clayface, turn that dickhead around!"
"You got it," said the telepath.
"As you wish," replied Clayface.
Her crew turned the supervillain around so his bare butt was facing her and she could see the stone penis still sticking out.
She chuckled and was getting ready to 'go up to bat' when Maxie looked back at her, "Wait, Quinn, we can work something out. I-I-I'll tell the world your crew ain't nothing to fuck with. I'll tell the world!"
"Oh I know you will," smirked the up-and-coming supervillainess before giving her bat a powerful swing.
She hit the stone penis though the impact rocketed Zeus out of Clayface and Dr. Psycho's combined hold and sent him through the door into the other room.
A sigh of satisfaction escaped Harley's lips, "That was fuckin' awesome."
"Oh, we aren't done yet. I found these in his bedroom. Figured I could put them to good use," Red X pulled out some unknown items.
"Holy shit, I love you so much right now," his girlfriend grinned evilly upon seeing what he had.
-(The next morning in front of Maxie Zeus' house)-
Tawny Young was standing in front of the camera, reporting the breaking news about Maxie Zeus who was unconscious and hogtied upon the lap of the statue of him sitting on a throne. Leather cuffs bound his hands and ankles, he had a ball gag in his mouth, and the end of the stone penis was barely poking out of his butt.
"Motivational speaker and self-proclaimed supervillain Maxie Zeus was found this morning, beaten and apparently sexually assaulted," said the reporter.
Maxie let out a groan and caught Tawny's attention then she made her way over to him while beckoning her camera operator, "Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me."
She came up to the beaten 'god', "Mr. Zeus, how did this happen? Who did this terrible thing to you?"
He tried to answer but all he could do was moan due to his mouth being plugged up.
"Oh. Right. Let me try and . . . " Tawny reached up to the gag and managed to get it off, "Got it."
"Thank you," he said, genuinely grateful.
"So do you know who did this to you?" she put the microphone to his lips.
He gave a small grunt of pain before speaking, "All I can say is . . . Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with."
Tawny resumed her report, "Sounds like Harley Quinn, former girlfriend of the Joker, is striking out on her own."
At Ivy's apartment, she, Harley, and Naruto were watching Tawny's report; he was still in his gear except his helmet was on the coffee table.
"Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming," said the redhead, impressed by the efforts of her best friend.
"Oh, you should have seen her. She was great. Ran that crew like a pro," praised the master thief before giving his blonde girlfriend a kiss to the temple.
She blushed, "Well I did have a little help . . . but I was pretty good wasn't right?"
"Hell yeah, you were," he smiled.
Tawny resumed speaking, "It's been thirty long years since a female villain had a crew. When the Queen of Fables tried to smash through that glass ceiling but was imprisoned in the U.S. Tax Code by the Justice League."
"'Cause they're bitches!" cried out the Queen of Fables, watching the news in her office, "But I'll be damned. Harley's actually going for it."
She was not the only one watching as the Joker was too and was not happy at what he was hearing.
"One thing's for sure, the Joker's ex may soon become his biggest competitor-" her report abruptly ended after Joker crushed his drinking glass and shot his television.
"Well Harls, congratulations. You're doing it. I mean, I know gold medals aren't a nuclear warhead but it's a good start," praised Ivy.
"Thanks," smiled Harley.
"So what are you gonna do with those medals? Melt them down and sell 'em off?" suggested the redhead.
"Oh I already did something with them."
"Really? What?"
The blonde pointed to Naruto, "Traded them to Foxy."
Ivy arched her brow at their shared boyfriend, "Seriously?"
"Trust me, it's better than you think," he smirked back at her.
Before the eco-terrorist could question him further, Tawny received some sudden information, "Hold on everyone, word from the newsroom. The International Olympic Committee has just announced that the stolen medals from 1996 have been found and returned."
"What?!" NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!" cried out Maxie Zeus.
Harley and Naruto started laughing at the supervillain's misery though Ivy just said, "I don't get it."
Her blond boyfriend calms down, "I've met a lot of supervillains and criminals in my line of work and I have learned many things. One of them is you can hurt a bad guy's body many times and they'll bounce back. Where you really want to hit them . . . is in their pride."
The redhead was connecting the pieces with a grin, "So by returning the medals . . . "
"Maxie Zeus lost the heist that made him a supervillain in the first place," Naruto smirked.
"Ha! That's awesome," praised Ivy.
"Ain't he cute when he's being kickass?" Harley grinned before kissing his cheek.
He smiled, "I have my moments."
Something soon clicked in Ivy's mind, "Hold on, you said 'traded'. You gave Naruto the medals. So what did he give you?"
"The warhead he stole."
"That thing? But didn't he disarm it and make it useless?"
Naruto answered, "Yeah, we know it's useless . . . but Gotham doesn't know."
Harley giggled, "Yep."
Ivy smirked at her best friend, "What did you do?"
"I used the warhead to blackmail the city."
Once again, Tawny came on with another newsflash, "Hey, y'all, it's me again. This just in. We take you live to a high-speed chase on the abruptly renamed Harley Quinn Highway."
As the footage of the chase came on, the green-skinned eco-terrorist was stunned, "I'll be fuckin' damned. Totally worth it."
"So. Fucking. Awesome," added Naruto.
"Right?" Harley stood up, "I say we celebrate."
"Celebrate? How?" asked her best friend.
The blonde with the pigtails answered by grabbing her and their boyfriend's wrists before pulling them off the couch, "To the bedroom!"
Her companions were surprised but did not resist as she dragged them to her room for one hot celebration.
And that was Chapter Two! Hope you all liked it.
I consider this the 'real' first chapter. It shows what I'm kinda going to do for this story but there is still more to come.
A little heads-up - a lot of the chapters will be identical to the canon episodes of the show. While Naruto is in this story, he will not overshadow Harley because this is HER story of growth and change but he will still play a major part. He might even get a chapter or two focusing on him.
A big shoutout to Chillman22 for helping me make this happen.
AN - I did some re-editing to this chapter and I was quite ashamed to find many mistakes; I hope I got them all. I also changed some lines to make it similar to the later chapters.
