Here it is! The newest chapter of 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark'!

I want to thank you all for your patience. Things have been really hectic recently with our power going out for almost a week and a huge wildfire that is happening in our neck of the woods.

But despite all of that, I still managed to bring this to you. I hope you like it.


Chapter 7: You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon

In the living area of the abandoned mall, Frank was watching television while Poison Ivy was reading a gardening book, drinking some wine, and sitting on the couch with Naruto in his Red X gear except for his helmet. The eco-terrorist took a sip of her drink and sighed before snuggling into her boyfriend who leaned in closer. It had been over a week since the villains officially moved in and they have come to enjoy their new home and lair; even Dr. Psycho was warming up to it . . . just a little.

The lovers were enjoying the peace and quiet until the front doors suddenly opened and spooked Ivy into dropping her glass while Naruto climbed over the sofa. She glared as Harley Quinn and her crew, along with Sy Borgman, brought in the spoils of their newest heist – a golden sarcophagus.

"Oh, that was awesome! Everyone brought their A-game!" cheered Harley, riding the Egyptian coffin into the living room where it was set down.

"I mean, Psycho, when you made those T-Rex bones come to life and then chase that guard . . . Mwah!" she praised Dr. Psycho and gave the 'Italian chef finger kiss' gesture to emphasize her words.

The diminutive villain chuckled, "Heh heh, thank you, thank you. It's a talent."

"Wait, did you guys just steal King Tut's body?" Ivy looked at their newest trophy then pouted, "Red and I were going to see that for our date on Sunday."

"Looks like we'll need to make new plans," Naruto came over, now with his helmet on.

"Well, look on the bright side. Now you guys can touch King Tut himself," the lady clown opens the sarcophagus to reveal the mummified body of King Tutankhamun.

Clayface let out a small shout of fright from seeing the corpse.

"Yeah, but I've never been, like, in a museum and thought, 'Oh, I wish I could touch this dead body'," said the redhead eco-terrorist.

"Uh, well, someone must wanna 'cause it was under heavy guard," retorted her best friend.

"Of course it was. It takes a lot of time and money to make a replica like this," said their shared boyfriend.

"Replica?" the villains said together.

"Well, yeah. The real King Tut's back in Egypt. This here is a body made of papier-mâché and a sarcophagus sculpted out of cheap stone made for the exhibit," said Red X.

Harley and her crew groaned at the revelation as Psycho shouted, "For fuck's sake!"

"Hold on. If this is just a replica, why all the security? There were half a dozen guards," retorted Harley.

"Like I said, a lot of money went into making this thing. And it would take even more money to make another one," her boyfriend pointed to the fake sarcophagus, "This may not be solid gold but it's twenty-four karat gold plating. Still worth a lot."

The lady clown and her crew went 'Oooh.'

"I guess we'll keep it then," she grinned then sat down on the couch.

"Seriously? What are you gonna do with it?" asked Red X.

"Use it as a new ottoman, of course. That's the other reason why we stole it," Clayface pushed the fake coffin into place then his blonde boss put her feet up on it

It was actually a bit too tall but Harley smiled, "We'll get used to it."

She pulled the laptop that was sitting beside her into her lap and logged onto the Internet, "The news must be all over this. Let's see what they're sayin' about us on the Villany website."

The lady clown got onto the website with high hopes but they were dashed upon seeing KGBeast's picture next to a headline that read, 'KGBeast tapped for LEGION OF DOOM'.

"Wait, what? KGBeast's getting nominated for the Legion of Doom? I'm way better than that guy!" she said angrily, "People must be freaking out in the comments."

Harley scrolled down to the comments section of the page and her crew gathered around to read them.

"'This is long overdue. Yay,'" Sy read a message aloud.

Psycho started reading one, "'Worked with him on three assassinations. So professional. Couldn't have happened to a better guy.' Screw you, better guy!"

"What the hell does it take to get nominated?" growled the pale-skinned blonde.

Clayface pointed to another comment on the screen, "Ooh, look, there's one about you. 'Why's no one talking about Harley Quinn? I'd nominate her to sit on my face.' Okay, well, that . . . Mm. Should have read it through."

Something snapped in Harley and caused her to grab her baseball bat and smash the fake King Tut and sarcophagus into pieces. The bad news was her new trophy was destroyed but the good news was it was now the perfect height to be an ottoman; everyone was taken back by the act of extreme violence.

Ivy was the first to speak, "Um, do you wanna just, like, use your words?"

"I've been busting my ass to get noticed by the Legion for, like, two months. I've practically done everything there is to do," replied her best friend.

"You mean we've done?" asked Psycho.

"Yeah, I was using the royal 'I' or whatever," she replied.

"And it hasn't been two months, it's barely been one, babe," added Red X.

"Well, it feels like two!" the lady clown took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Almost lost my cool again. And I'm sorry for the rant. I'm-I'm-I'm fine now. I'm fine."

She was calm for half of a second then she smashed the laptop with her bat as King Shark cried out, "Hey!"

Harley let out a sigh of content and dropped her weapon, "Okay, now I'm fine."

Her best friend and shared boyfriend both facepalmed and sighed at her chaotic antics.


Red X and Ivy had pulled Harley off to the side for a quick talk with her.

The eco-terrorist was the first to speak, "Hey, so, I can't help but notice you're being extra Harley today. And I just, honestly, I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. I mean, those guys are genuinely pieces of shit."

"Agreed," their boyfriend crossed his arms.

The lady clown responded, "Yeah, obviously. But those pieces of shit are the only people Joker ever treated as equals. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion, too."

"Okay, so, what you're saying is you're not completely over your ex and you wanna throw your success in his face," said her best friend.

"Exactly."

"Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said."

Something clicked in Red X's mind, "Wait a minute, is that why you mentioned my dick on television? To throw our relationship in Joker's face?"

"A little but mostly to piss him off," smirked Harley.

"Fair enough."

The trio rejoined the others who were messing around with the ruins of their newest trophy.

"Alright, people, listen. I want ideas. Somethin' that's gonna get us on the Legion of Doom's radar," said the aspiring supervillainess.

"I could call my old pal Hank Kissinger. I'm sure he hasa few war crimes he never pulled off," Sy suggested, pulling out the hidden phone from his robotic leg.

"I know we're criminals, but are we really war criminals?" Harley was skeptical of the idea.

The old man put away his communication device, "No one thinks they're a war criminal. But then you find yourself aiding a separatist movement to overthrow a democratically elected leader and boom! You're a war criminal."

"Or you accidentally parachute onto the property of a foreign politician and his security detail thinks you're there to assassinate him. They open fire on you and even though you manage to defend yourself using non-lethal means, they label you a terrorist all the same," Red X sighed, "To this day, I'm still not allowed to set foot in Russia by myself."

King Shark held up the smashed laptop, "Maybe we could steal some new computers 'cause the one you smashed was mine."

Harley noticed the red 'W' on the destroyed piece of technology and got an idea, "That's it! WayneTech!"

"You wanna legally purchase computers?"

"I wasn't thinkin' legal, and I wasn't thinking computers."

-(In front of Wayne Tower)-

Harley was sitting in the driver's seat of her crew's van as she looked up at the impressive building and excitedly announced, "We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne."

Her crewmates and Poison Ivy raised their eyebrows in shock at the lady clown's newest heist idea.

She held up the latest edition of Tech Disrupt magazine to the others and said, "Alright, this is what we're going after."

The front cover showed the newest technological achievement from WayneTech – an invisible motorcycle.

King Shark was in awe of it, "It's beautiful."

Unfortunately, there was nothing to see since the vehicle was invisible.

"And on the twenty-sixth floor," said the pale-skinned blonde then she put down the magazine.

"Cool. How we gonna get it down?" asked Ivy.

"We'll Fast and Furious Seven it."

Her crew was confused by her answer.

Harley went on to explain, "Guys, that's the one where they shoot a car from one skyscraper into another skyscraper. But, you know, ultimately, they're just all about family."

"Well, whatever you plan on doing, you're doing it without me," said Red X's voice.

Everyone looked to find him sitting in the very back of the van.

"Oh yeah, I forgot he was there," said Dr. Psycho.

"What? No, babe. We seriously need your skills for this one. No one knows how to steal from rich corporate assholes better than you," the aspiring supervillainess pleaded to her shared boyfriend.

"Yeah. From rich corporate assholes who deserved it. Like if they did some serious illegal shit. Art smuggling, drug and human trafficking, embezzling from their own companies, being a supervillain with the Legion of Doom. Stuff like that," said the master thief.

"Ugh. And Bruce Wayne's squeaky clean?" Harley asked in a sarcastic tone.

"Actually, he is," he pulled out his tablet and brought up a few articles featuring Bruce Wayne, "Last month, he donated one million dollars to a local children's hospital. Two weeks ago, he sponsored the construction of a new animal shelter. And just three days ago, he hosted a charity ball to help raise money for Gotham's schools."

"Oh, he can go fuck himself," growled Dr. Psycho.

Red X put away his device, "So no, I'm not helping you steal anything from Bruce Wayne. But I will give you some advice."

"Ooooh, advice is always good," grinned his blonde lover and she got ready to listen.

"Stick to the plan and keep your eyes on the prize."

"Got it," she gave him a wink and a thumbs up then turned to Clayface, "Clayface, activate Operation: Douche."

The shapeshifter immediately transformed into a bespectacled tourist wearing a pink shirt, a shark tooth necklace, and a beige jacket and fedora.

-(The lobby of Wayne Tower)-

"Sir, please, have you seen my daughter?" the disguised Clayface asked the guard at the front desk, pretending to be frantic, "I mean well, technically, I'm not her father. I mean, you see, the Lord hath cursed me with empathy. It was . . . before my wife strayed. It's an emotionally complex tale, that, if you have two hours to spare, I can burden you with my tale of woe."

He got ready to tell his fabricated tale and the man sitting before him rolled his eyes while off to the side, King Shark snuck past and made his way to the security room.

"Harley, thank you for letting me use my brains, for once. Most people don't let me be who I am," the shark-man whispered to his boss through the communication earbud on the side of his head.

He sneaks up on the guard watching the monitors, bites off their head, and sits at the desk.

"Ooh, okay, I see what we're workin' with here. I can hack the first three doors but the retinal scanner at the entrance to the room is on you," King Shark told his crewmates as he typed on the keyboard.

-(Outside)-

The aspiring supervillainess and her telepathic teammate were being carried up to the 26th floor of Wayne Tower by a pair of Ivy's giant mutant vines.

"Twenty-four . . . twenty-five . . . twenty-six," Harley said then the plant tendrils stopped at their target and she got her bat ready, "Here we go."

Suddenly, the vine carrying Dr. Psycho violently threw him through the window; he bounced across the floor like a ball.

"Oh, shit!" the telepath cursed upon coming to a stop and he witnessed Harley being carried into the building and placed down with care.

"Now why was she put down so gently?" he growled at Ivy through his earbud.

The eco-terrorist replied, "Um, because she's not a misogynist troll that should be living in a well?"

It was at this point a security guard came upon the scene in order to investigate the sound of a window breaking and pointed his gun at the intruders.

Harley noticed the newcomer and hissed at her teammate, "Psycho, focus!"

He quickly used his powers to immobilize the guard then the pair of criminals went on their way with their new prisoner in tow.


They reached the end of the hall and found an iron door with a sign that read 'Restricted Area' above it blocking their path to the invisible motorcycle. Dr. Psycho levitated the security guard to the retinal scanner and pressed his face against the screen; the device read the guard's left eye before he was knocked out and dropped onto the floor. The scanner finished its security check and allowed the door to reveal a large room where a podium and four-tier platform rose from the floor and lasers cut through the air.

The shine from the ceiling lights outlined the figure of the invisible motorcycle as Harley squealed in delight, "It's even more beautiful in person."

"Listen, could you do your dumb twisty-twirls and get the bike so we can get the hell out of here?" her telepathic teammate growled impatiently.

His boss immediately proceeded to flip and somersault through the lasers with expertise then landed on the camouflaged vehicle. She was about to start it up when her eyes caught sight of another metal door with a sign that read 'Even More Restricted Area' above it. Excitement and curiosity gripped the lady clown and made her get off the motorcycle.

"Hello! What the hell are you doing? 'Stick to the plan and keep your eyes on the prize', remember?" shouted Psycho.

Harley answered and pointed at the other door, "I'm just gonna steal whatever's in there, it's 'even more restricted'."

"Oh, perfect. 'Even more restricted.' You're the psycho!" snapped the telepath.

-(Back in the lobby)-

The Tourist-Clayface was continuing his tall tale, "Mind you, that wasn't the first time I was cuckolded-"

A loud explosion suddenly went off then Harley, holding something in her free hand, burst through a side door and called to the shapeshifter, "I called an audible! Let's get the hell out of here!"

She and her teammate made a break for the entrance as two security guards pursued them and the one at the desk initiated the building's lockdown procedure. Metal shutters slid down the front windows as to trap the intruders inside; Harley saw them, dropped into a slide, and burst through the glass double doors to safety. Clayface dove after her though he lost his fedora in the process and went to retrieve it since it was actually a part of his body but the shutters came down and severed his right arm off.

He yelled out in shock and reverted to his original form, "My arm!"

"It's too late, we got to go!" Harley responded.

The crew's van rolled up beside them and the side door opened to reveal King Shark, who had snuck out of the building earlier.

"But my arm. You just called an audible. Can't we call another one and get my limb?" the shapeshifter pleaded to his boss as he cradled his limb.

"Can't you just grow a new one?" she protested then noticed one of their crew was missing, "And where the fuck is Psycho?"

A crashing sound from the 26th floor and Dr. Psycho's cackling captured their attention and they saw him apparently flying out of the building.

King Shark knew exactly how he was doing that, "Is that the . . .?"

Red X popped his head out of the van and saw the spectacle, "Holy shit."

"I am a golden god!" the telepath announced happily to the world as he rode the invisible motorcycle out of Wayne Tower though ended up crashing into the building across the street.

"Ah! Dammit!" Psycho fell off the vehicle, which plummeted to the ground and exploded.

He noticed the street approaching fast and screamed, "AAAAAAAAAH! FUCKIN' HELL!"

The diminutive villain braced for impact but was caught by one of Ivy's vines and placed into her arms like a damsel in distress.

"Oh, you little bitch," she mocked him.

Psycho saw another vine coming his way and glared at the redhead, "Don't you d-Ah!"

The tendril grabbed and chucked him into the van through the open side door before it carefully placed its master inside and returned to being a normal plant. After the door was closed, the criminal-owned vehicle sped away as fast as possible with its passengers.

-(Rooftop of the Gotham City Police Department)-

Commissioner Jim Gordon stood beside the Bat-Signal as its light cut through the night sky in the hopes of summoning Gotham's protector.

"Jim, what's wrong?" asked Batman, suddenly appearing from the shadows like he usually does.

The police commissioner faced him and groaned, "Ah . . . it's Barb. You know, she's sleeping with someone else and the worst part is I can't blame her. I mean a woman can only go so long, watching the dead eyes of her lover thrust atop her before she looks for something new."

This out-of-the-blue revelation confused the superhero, "So, you didn't call me about the break-in at Wayne Enterprises?"

"What? No. Oh, this is about the breakdown of my marriage," Gordon said in a tone of despair.

Batman turned off the Bat-Signal, "The signal is for emergencies."

"Well-"

"Emergencies. You've abused it," the Caped Crusader removed the metal bat cutout from the spotlight, folded it up like a road map, and put it in his utility belt.

This was basically the adult version of taking a toy away from a misbehaving child.

The police commissioner made an attempt to plead his case, "Look, my personal life is a mess right now and I thought I could talk about it with . . . my friend."

"We're co-workers," Batman said firmly then decided to get things back on track, "Harley stole some highly sensitive tech from Wayne Enterprises. In her hands, it could be catastrophic."

"Oh, well, then, I'm on it, co-worker," Commissioner Gordon said bitterly.

The superhero tossed a large paper bag into his arms, "Here, evidence from the crime scene."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Ask it yourself," Batman turned to leave but spoke to Gordon with a disappointed tone, "You used to be such a damn good cop."

"I damn still am," growled the commissioner.

"Prove it."

The founding member of the Justice League leapt off the roof and into the Batplane before flying away.

Small whimpers started coming from the paper bag and when Commissioner Gordon looked inside, what he saw made him yelp in fright.

-(The Harley crew's abandoned mall)-

"Oh, that was awesome! Everyone kicked major ass," Harley cheered as everyone walked into the living area then she plopped down onto the couch.

Her crewmates did not share her enthusiasm.

"I mean, Psycho, when you froze that security guard, mwah!" the pale-skinned blonde did the chef finger kiss.

A mad Dr. Psycho leapt up next to her and smacked her hand, "Ah-uh! Don't you dare Italian chef finger kiss any part of that disaster. You screwed up the plan!"

"Psycho's right, Harley," said Red X.

Everyone else around him gasped in shock then Ivy said, "Holy shit, Hell just froze over."

The thief and assassin went over to his blonde girlfriend, "You had the invisible motorcycle. You had it. All you had to do was leave with it. Did my advice seriously not get through to you?"

"Yeah, welcome to my world," muttered the eco-terrorist.

Harley spoke up, "Now hold on, you always tell me and Ivy about times when you change plans during your missions."

"When the times called for it. Not when I was in the clear at the end. And certainly not when I had the item," her boyfriend retorted, crossing his arms like a lecturing parent or teacher.

"Exactly!" added Psycho.

"Okay, what is with the two of you being on the same page about this? It's creepin' me out," said the blonde with the pigtails.

It was at this point Sy rolled onto the scene; he was wearing a pair of night vision goggles and wielding a laser gun.

"I'm ready for the heist. And it's-a gonna be-a delicious," he said in an Italian accent and was about to do the chef finger kiss but his oversized metal arm was working against him.

Everyone else watched in discomfort as the old man painfully strained himself in an attempt to do the gesture, "Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, oye! Aye!"

He finally managed to do it then noticed the situation, "Shit. I missed the heist, didn't I?"

"If you could call it that. Clayface lost his arm," King Shark pointed to the shapeshifter's stubbed limb.

"No, no, it's fine. I'll just play one-armed characters for the rest of my career. Perhaps they'll make a sequel to One-Hundred Twenty-Seven Hours. There has been light buzz," Clayface said, trying to be optimistic about his new situation.

"Not only that but they lost the invisible motorcycle. It's now a pile of scrap metal," added Red X.

Sy took off his goggles and put away the laser gun, "You were goin' after an invisible motorcycle? Oh, that woulda come in handy."

"Okay, forget the stupid bike. This is a way bigger score," Harley placed a device, that looked like a television remote possessing only a large red button, on the ruins of the fake sarcophagus.

Everyone gathered around to look at the strange gadget as she continued speaking, "This, this thing is a . . . a highly classified technological device that's gonna blow the minds of the Legion of Doom."

"You have no idea what that does, do you?" asked Ivy.

"Yes, I do. Something . . . something button related?"

Red X facepalmed and sighed, "You stole something without finding out what it does? Jesus Christ."

"Seriously, babe, I love you, I really do but can you get off my case about this already?" said an annoyed Harley.

"No."

She growled a bit then said, "Fine, whatever. But either way, this button is obviously important if it was locked up in an even more restricted area. And I bet ya this heist's all over the news."

The lady clown picked up the tablet that was also on the destroyed fake sarcophagus and brought up the Villainy website where she saw a link to a video titled Did Harley Quinn Get Her Big Win? by someone called The Cowled Critic.

"See? Now that's what I'm talkin' about. We just got reviewed by The Cowled Critic. I mean, he's the only reviewer the Legion of Doom reads," she said, tapping on the play icon and got ready to watch the video review.

Someone resembling the Grim Reaper with glowing red eyes and wearing a black hoodie appeared on the screen; this was The Cowled Critic.

He started speaking in a deep voice, "Alright, I learned something today, Cowlheads. And that is Harley Quinn and her crew aren't worthy of Legionnaire's disease, let alone the Legion of Doom."

"Wait, what?" Harley asked aloud.

The Critic continued his review, "But what should I have expected when the crew has the universally hated Dr. Psycho. And it appears the plant-based hussy Poison Ivy has taken to being his side chick."

He showed a picture of Ivy holding Psycho in her arms, "Bad move on her part, especially when she is already sleeping with the obviously superior Red X. But it looks like she now likes taking acorn-sized dicks into her Venus flytrap."

"Oh, fuck off! That picture is completely out of context!" the eco-terrorist yelled at the tablet then gave the telepath a dirty look, "I knew I should've let you fall to your death."

"And the pièce de résistance? Harley Quinn is so inept, she left behind a member of her own team who is now in the hands of the Gotham Police," said the Cowled Critic as everyone looked at each other in confusion.

"What the hell's he talkin' about? We all made it back in one piece," objected Harley.

Clayface held up his right arm stump, "Um, not exactly."

-(Interrogation room within the Gotham City Police Department)-

Commissioner Gordon slammed his fist down onto the metal table, "Tell me where Harley Quinn is! Now!"

Handcuffed to the bar on the tabletop was Clayface's right arm except now it had stubby legs, a mouth, and eyes and was now alive.

It sniffled then began to cry, "I just wanna get back to my dad!"

"Alright. Okay, okay," Gordon tried to calm down the appendage as if it were a child, "Well, okay. How about if you tell me about him?"

"I can't 'cause I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."

"Oh, but I'm not a stranger. No, my name is Jim. I'm a hardworking detective with a beautiful wife . . . who won't touch me even though I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. Everything!" said the police commissioner as his personal issues leaked out but he composed himself, "But that's not your problem."

He walked away from the table as Clayface's severed limb said, "Well, she doesn't sound like a friend to me."

When he heard that, Gordon rushed back over and said, "That's exactly what I've been saying to anyone who would listen to me! Which is . . . no one. But that's not what we're here to talk about."

"But . . . maybe it should be . . . Jim."

The commissioner widened his eyes, "My God, you're right . . . "

-(Back in the living area of the mall)-

"So, it knows everything you know?" Harley asked Clayface as she paced around in front of everyone else.

The shapeshifter answered, "Yes, we've been over this. My arm is a piece of me."

"But it wouldn't give away our location, turn us in, and testify against us, would it?"

"Who knows? It's like a kid, it'll do anything for approval."

"Huh, wonder where it got that from," muttered Dr. Psycho.

"Ugh. If he squeals, the Cowled Critic will have a field day and the Legion of Doom will never take me," growled a frustrated Harley.

King Shark spoke next, "But, mostly, we'll all be in prison for the rest of our lives."

"Oh, yeah, that, that too," she said.

"And I'll never get my lost, little right hand man back," frowned Clayface.

"Yeah, that, that, that too, too."

"Well technically, you guys will be in prison for the rest of your lives. I had no part in this whole fiasco," said Red X.

Ivy nods a bit, "He does have a point."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know what? I think I speak for everyone here when I say that this is completely fucking stupid! Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment?" asked Psycho then he turned to the thief and assassin, "Hey, X, you need a telepath?"

Before anything else could be said, Harley spoke up, "Hey, listen! No one's going anywhere!"

She grinned at Clayface, "We're gonna rescue your arm."

The blob of clay smiled as his boss kept talking, "We're gonna break into the Gotham City Police Department. And if we pull it off, the Legion'll call us in no time."

Her crew was a bit confused by her last statement.

"Oh, and Clayface will have two arms," Harley added quickly.

Psycho stepped forward, "Look, I'd love to come along and support you but-"

"But ya wanna find the critic that said you're the biggest fuck-up on my crew and tear him a new asshole. I get it, I get it," grinned his boss.

"I will not be slandered!" yelled her telepathic teammate.

Ivy came over, "I'll help. I'll help you smack him around a little."

Harley gave her a look of suspicion that the redhead quickly noticed, "What? For you. Obviously. I mean I can't let this anonymous asshole talk shit about my best friend, right?"

"Aw, Ive, you'd hurt him for me?" the lady clown was touched by her words.

"Yes Absolutely. And because he claimed I'm fucking Psycho. But mostly for you, babe. But also for me. But for you. For us. It's fine. Let's go," she and Psycho started leaving while Harley gained a deadpan expression.

"Hang on, you two. I'll come with ya," said Red X, about to follow the other two out.

Ivy looked at him in confusion, "Really?"

"Oh, I get it. Wanna pummel the guy who claimed your chick is banging someone else?" smirked the telepath.

"No, so you guys don't get carried away and end up killing the guy," answered X.

His redhead girlfriend was about to say something but thought it over for a second.

"Yeah, you better come along," she said.

The thief and assassin was about to leave with them when the lady clown grabbed his hand, "Wait, babe, I could really use your help with this one."

"Sorry, Harley. I can't help with this one," he said.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'm not allowed to go against local authorities. With crooked cops being the only exception," her boyfriend explained.

"Well, do you at least have any advice on how to break into a police department?" Harley pleaded.

"You didn't exactly take my last piece of advice."

"Wow, just gonna hang that over my head, huh?" she crossed her arms.

"Yep. Later, love you," he joined up with Ivy and Psycho then they left the mall.

The pale-skinned blonde was annoyed by her boyfriend's antics then she turned to the others, "Okay, you three, let's get going."

Sy spoke up, "Actually, I better stay behind. In case something happens and you need some back-up or whatever."

"Oh yeah, didn't think about that. That's a good idea. Sy, you do that," said Harley then she turned to Clayface and King Shark, "The rest of us, let's get going."

-(Rooftop of the GCPD)-

Commissioner Gordon and Clayface's arm were having some French fries and a couple of sodas.

"I can't believe that bad old Batman took away your special signal," said the severed limb before drinking some of his beverage.

"After all the cases I've helped him solve. I'm the one that does the grunt work," Gordon noticed some dribble coming from the arm's mouth and wipes it up, "All I ask is that occasionally when my wife is emotionally distant during sex, he listens. Not to the sex, but, to me talking about the . . . "

The living limb pat the police commissioner on the shoulder with its face then said, "Yeah. Jim, you sound like a really good cop."

Gordon was surprised to hear that and a bit touched, "You know, it's just been so long since I've heard someone else say that, I was . . . I was starting to wonder if it was really true."

"It's true to me . . . friend."

A smile broke out on the commissioner's face as his mind became filled with images of him and the appendage doing things that friends do together like drinking at a bar, shooting hoops, playing cards, and riding a motorcycle with a sidecar.

-(Outside of the police department)-

A cruiser parks behind a white van then a policeman exits the driver's side and is suddenly pulled into the other vehicle. It rocked for a few seconds then King Shark, in handcuffs, stepped out followed by the officer except his right hand was missing; this was Clayface and the real lawman was hogtied and gagged in the back.

The shapeshifter started speaking, "A one-armed officer, the stories my mind is weaving. How could he lose it? A shootout? Maybe. An explosion? Perhaps! I know! Diabetes!"

King shook his head at his cohort's enthusiasm then spoke to Harley through his comlink earbud, "So, when they arrest me, I go full shark and start a riot to cause a distraction?"

The two criminals make their way into the building as she replied, "Yep! Easy as one, two-"

"Shark!" cried out a cop then another shot a tranquilizer dart into the shark-man's neck.

After he collapsed onto the floor, three officers rushed up and started beating King into submission before tossing him into an armored van and shipping him off to Blackgate Penitentiary.


Harley and Clayface were sitting in the van, stunned at how wrong the plan went.

The lady clown soon spoke, "Okay, okay. Plan B. Clayface, you gotta distract 'em."

"Brilliant! Hm, what do cops love?" the shapeshifter started thinking.

-(Gotham City Police Department)-

Back in his cop disguise, Clayface entered the building and started speaking to everyone in the room, "It is I again, your fellow officer. Hello, chums. I come baring horrible news! Joker has kidnapped Bruce Springsteen!"

"Some rat fuck stole The Boss!" shouted one officer.

Another yelled, "Don't worry, The Boss!"

"We're coming for you, Boss!" shouted a third then every law enforcer ran out to save their favorite music icon.

Harley dropped down from the ceiling once the coast was clear as a woman's voice came out of an abandoned telephone receiver, "Hello? My husband's been murdered and the killer's still in the ho-"

The lady clown ended the call then she and Clayface made their way to the staircase.


Gordon and Clayface's arm were still on the rooftop with the former looking over a list of potential locations for Harley Quinn's hideout as the latter watched.

The police commissioner crossed out one of the selections then turned to the living limb, "Come on. Just tell me where Harley's lair is. I'm your friend, not them. You said it yourself."

"You mean that? You're not just pretending?" asked the arm.

"Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was . . . but then you listened to me graphically explain the problematic intercourse I'm having with my wife and . . . gosh darn it, you didn't judge me."

"Well, Jim, you can't judge what you don't understand."

"God, you're so wise."

"Aw, thanks, friend," Clayface's missing limb thought for a second, "You know what? I'm gonna tell you where the lair is. The lair is on-"

The entrance to the rooftop burst open then Harley and Clayface came rushing out and the former shouted, "Don't tell him anything!"

"My child!" cried out the shapeshifter upon seeing his lost body part.

The lady clown pointed her baseball bat at Gordon, "Give us the arm, Gordon. Now!"

"Oh Jim, don't let 'em take me. You need me, right? 'Cause I'm-I'm epidence?" whimpered Clayface's arm, cowering behind his new friend.

The police commissioner chuckled, "Hold on there, crazy guy. You're a lot more than just 'epidence'."

He quickly got serious, "And I'm not going to let these animals touch you. If you've got ears, stick your fingers in 'em right now because I'm about to work blue."

Gordon turned around to the villains and pulled out his pistol as the living limb 'plugged his ears'.

"I'm gonna fuck you to death with bullets!" shouted the police commissioner as he opened fire.

Harley and Clayface ducked behind a rooftop unit for cover.

-(At a neighborhood residence)-

Dr. Psycho, Poison Ivy, and Red X walked up to the front door as the telepath asked the eco-terrorist, "So, you found The Cowled Critic's house because you-"

"Heard it through the grapevine. Yeah, it is a real thing," she answered.

"That's pretty much how she found me. Except with a bonsai tree," said her boyfriend.

Ivy knocked on the door but the trio heard another open beside them and standing in the entryway was a person that caused Psycho's blood to boil.

"Oh, shit. It's you. Of course, it's you," he growled.

"Who's that?" asked the redhead.

"My ex-wife."

It was indeed his ex-wife Giganta, the supervillain giantess and an enemy of Wonder Woman; the doorway she was standing in was the perfect size for her.

"Why are you at my boyfriend's house?" she demanded then noticed Red X, "And why is he with you?"

"Maybe he's here to flay your skin and turn it into a sweater. Which I will gladly watch!" Psycho grinned sinisterly.

The giantess looked defensive then Ivy spoke up, "Relax. No one is here to flay anyone. We actually have business here."

"That's right. We have reason to believe The Cowled Critic lives here and we want to talk to them. Mind if we come in?" asked Red X.

Giganta sighed and stepped aside, "Fine."

They were about to enter when the eco-terrorist walked up beside Psycho, "Quick side-bar. How did the two of you work . . . sexually?"

"Not great," he grumbled then they entered the house and the giantess closed the door.

She sat down on the living room couch with her new tanned and muscular boyfriend who was partaking in a vanilla ice cream cone.

Psycho glared at his ex, "Oh, I should have called it. You're The Cowled Critic! You gave that review sayin' me and chickweed here are banging each other."

"You think I care about you and your jolly green whore?" Giganta growled back.

"Okay, that was just unnecessary," muttered Ivy.

"Now you know how it feels," said her boyfriend.

The giant woman kept speaking, "I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend, Brad, who's amazing at it."

Brad gave the trio a wink and went back to licking his frozen treat.

"Oh, come on. Only weak men do that," snickered the telepath.

His jovial attitude left when the tanned man used his tongue to sculpt a miniature replica of Michelangelo's David out of his ice cream while Giganta watched him with bedroom eyes.

"Oh fuckin' hell!" Psycho yelped in fright.

Ivy smirked, "Pfft, you call that a cunnilingus tongue? Hilarious."

"What did you say?" the giantess snarled.

"X is ten times better," the redhead nudged her boyfriend, "Show her, honey."

"Show her what?" asked Red X.

"The tongue thing. That thing you do with your tongue. Do it, show her," Ivy pointed to her own mouth to emphasize her statement.

He realized what it was she was talking about, "Babe, I don't wanna show off the tongue thing."

"Come on, do it."

"I don't wanna."

"Well, now I'm curious. Do it," said Psycho.

"See? Even Psycho wants to see it. Now you gotta do it," Ivy snuggled up to her lover and made little circles on his chest, "Come on. Do it for Momma."

Red X sighed, "Fine."

His mouth was uncovered then he took a deep breath and stuck out his tongue that suddenly stretched to a great length, wrapped itself around Brad's midsection, and lifted him high into the air.

"Sweet motherfuckin' Jesus!" Psycho shouted in surprise as he watched his ex-wife's boyfriend whimper in fear.

Giganta was speechless at what she was seeing.

"Now that is a cunnilingus tongue," said Ivy, feeling smug.

The telepath moved over to her and asked in a quiet voice, "How the hell is he doing that?"

"It's an off-the-record body modification he had done to himself. He says it comes in handy from time to time . . . though it does have a more practical use," she whispered back to him.

In actuality, the tongue thing was a special trick Naruto learned from the Two Great Sage Toads and often practiced it away from the eyes of his superiors; he has recently taken to using it to pleasure his girlfriends.

Ivy smirked at Giganta and pointed at Red X, "And F.Y.I. - if I'm anyone's jolly green whore, I'm his jolly green whore."

Her boyfriend dropped Brad back down onto the couch and proceeded to use his elongated tongue to spear an apple from a fruit bowl on a nearby table. He lifted the red fruit up, wrapped his oral appendage around it, and crushed it which caused the juice to leak out and slide into his awaiting maw. Ivy and Giganta watched with great interest as they started hearing KISS' "I was Made For Lovin' You" in their heads.

Red X brought the crushed apple over to him, dropped it into his hand and retracted his tongue, then aggressively sucked out the rest of its sweet juices. Some rather erotic ideas entered the ladies' minds and they involved the thief and assassin in front of them; they were also getting a little fidgety. X swished all the juice around in his mouth and after doing that, he went over to a trash can to spit out the liquid and dispose of the smashed produce.

His mouth was covered up once more and he sighed, "That's better. Sorry about that. Had to get the taste of coconut body oil out of my mouth."

He quickly noticed the music, which was actually playing in the real world.

"Someone have their stereo on?" he asked in a loud voice.

His question knocked Dr. Psycho out of his shock and noticed he had backed into an actual stereo, "My bad."

He turned off the device, "And whom the fuck still listens to KISS?"

Ivy and Giganta snapped out of their daze and their bodies calmed down.

"Can we get back on track here, people?" the telepath asked in an impatient tone.

"Uh, yeah," the eco-terrorist looked at the giantess, "So if you didn't write the review, who did?"

It was at this point Psycho and Giganta's teenage son Herman came into the room and spoke, "Hey, can you keep it down? I'm trying to do something."

He noticed his father, "Father?"

"Herman," grinned the telepath.

Herman looked disgusted, "What are you doing here?"

He saw Ivy and glared, "And why is she here?"

She answered, "We have business here, kid."

The teenage emo was about to reply when he saw Red X and his eyes widened, "No way. Red X?"

He rushed up to the assassin and gave him a starstruck look, "Oh my god, it's really you. Mr. Red X, I'm a huge fan. So fuckin' huge. Please, I would be honored if you were to be my guest for my next review video."

"Wait, did you say 'review'?" asked X.

Psycho soon realized the revelation, "Holy shit."

A second of silence passed before Ivy cracked her knuckles, "Okay, let me talk to him."

"No!/No!" cried out the telepath and her boyfriend in unison.

-(GCPD Rooftop)-

Commissioner Gordon kept shooting at Harley and Clayface, who were still taking cover, but he soon ran out of bullets and had to reload.

"Just give us the arm, Gordon," the lady clown called out.

"You'll have to kill me first!" he picked up the living limb and held him close, "He's my friend! My only friend!"

"What about Batman?"

"He's no friend! Now that Batman's abandoned me, this hand is all I have. So you'll have to pry this hand out of my cold dead . . . hand," he shrugged, unable to find a different word to use.

"Why can't you just leave us alone?!" shouted Clayface's arm.

"What he said!" Gordon cried out.

Harley did not like the looks of this, "Shit, he's sidin' with Gordon. He's gonna snitch and ruin everything, and I will never get into the Legion."

"And I'd like to have two arms again," said Clayface.

"Oh. Yeah, that too," his blonde boss stepped out from their cover and pulled out the stolen button from Wayne Enterprises, "Alright. Two options, Gordy. Give us the arm and we leave, or I press this button and blow this whole fuckin' place sky-high."

"Harley, that wasn't the plan. We have no idea what that button does," whispered her shapeshifting teammate.

"I'm gonna do something crazy and in the chaos, we'll grab the arm," said Harley then she gave him a wink.

Clayface was now confused, "Okay, you winked. Is that a wink that means 'No, I'm not going to press the button'? Or is that a wink meaning 'I am going to press the button'? What's the plan here?"

"Exactly," she grinned.

"What?"

Gordon took aim at the lady clown, "You've got three seconds to put that button down or I'll pull this trigger! So help me God. Three . . . two . . . one!"

He pulled the trigger and a bullet flew at Harley who closed her eyes, pushed the button, and disappeared in a flash of multi-colored lights before the tiny projectile reached her.

Clayface was shocked at what happened and Gordon said, "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

-(Inside a cave)-

Harley awakened on the ground then stood up and looked at her new surroundings.

"What the hell?" she asked aloud.

The lady clown took two steps forward and suddenly fell onto a rocky ledge, bounced onto another, slammed into a stalactite, and was about to fall but the formation's hooked end caught her by the seat of her pants. She recovered from the tumble only to come face to face with a dark and possibly bottomless pit; she screamed in horror.

"Hello, Quinn. I was wondering when you would press the button," said Batman's voice.

Harley looked and there he was, sitting at his computer console while working on some new type of batarang.

She held up the button, "Yeah, I don't think you got all the kinks worked out."

"It's still in beta," answered the Caped Crusader.

Harley finally understood where she was and looked around, "Wow! I always wondered what the Batcave looked like. So this must be where you fuck the bats."

"Hmm," he hummed.

"You gonna help me or what?"

"You've seen the Batcave. Give me one reason why I shouldn't just let you drop," said Batman as he worked on the new batarang.

The pale-skinned blonde replied, "Because Red X will be incredibly sad and depressed that I disappeared without a trace?"

"Why would that matter to me?"

"Aren't the two of you friends or something? Shouldn't you help out the girlfriend of one of your friends?" Harley grinned.

"Red X and I are hardly acquaintances. I have no obligation to help you. Try again," said the hero.

The lady clown looked back at the stalactite and saw it was starting to crack so she had to think of something fast.

"Um . . . uh . . . Hey, Bats, I'm also here on a mercy mission. Gordon's on the roof of the police department. He's lost his mind. I think he's suicidal. He-he said you abandoned him."

Her words actually got Batman's attention and he looked back at her, "Wait, he said I abandoned him?"

"Yeah, whatever you did really made him snap," said Harley.

The superhero responded, "That is not what happened."

"Then what did happen?" she asked.

He set down his tools, opened a drawer, pulled out the folded bat signal, and showed it to her, "I took away the Bat-Signal."

This surprised Harley, "Whoa, really? Why?"

"Commissioner Gordon was abusing it."

"Huh?"

Batman turned his chair around so he could face her, "He used it to call me to talk about his personal issues. The Bat-Signal is meant for emergencies only. Criminal emergencies and such. Not emotional issues."

"But friends do console each other when one of them is having problems. That's like Friends 101. Maybe Gordo was looking for a friendly shoulder to cry on."

"Commissioner Gordon and I are not friends. We're co-workers and that's all," the Caped Crusader said firmly.

Harley saw something behind him that made her arch her brow as if to say that she did not believe his words.

"What?" Batman followed her gaze and saw that his computer's screensaver came on and it consisted of pictures of himself and Gordon at a birthday party together.

"Hmmm," he groaned in annoyance but in his mind, he was thinking, 'Dammit Alfred.'

In truth, his butler Alfred was the one to convince Batman to go to that gathering in order to bond with non-super people and make new friends. The Caped Crusader hated it since the police commissioner stuck to him and kept trying to do friend things with him the entire time.

"I gotta say, Bats, I'm surprised at you. I never thought you'd be the type to put their work before their friends. That's real . . . selfish," it was then Harley realized something about herself, "You know, Bats, now that I think about it, you and I ain't that different."

"We're completely different," said the superhero, facing her again.

"Well, we're both badasses who look good in spandex."

He stood up and placed a hand on his chest, "This polymer body armor is made from indestructible micro-fiber."

"Yeah, no, it looks like spandex," said the lady clown before the stalactite finally gave away and she fell into the pit while screaming.

She would have kept falling if not for Batman hooking her with his grappler, yanking her up, and catching her in his arms.

Harley quickly got over the shock of potentially dying, "My friend just lost his arm and instead of helpin' him get it back, I did what would help me get into the Legion of Doom. I let him down. Just like you let Gordon down."

Her words got the Caped Crusader thinking as he put her down and turned around.

"Not good with . . . emotion," he said.

"Or . . . vocabulary," she said, imitating his voice but got serious again, "But hey, you got a chance to fix things, okay? We gotta get to Gordon before he does somethin' crazy. Your friend needs you now."

"We're just co-workers . . . but I see your point," Batman said as he thought about what he needed to do.

-(Herman's bedroom)-

Dr. Psycho looked at a picture of himself that was full of holes and attached to a dartboard on a wall.

He turned to his son who was sitting on the bed, "Herman, my sweet Herman. Listen, I can understand your monster mom saying those things about me but my brood? My own kin? Why?"

Herman wasted no time in answering, "You made my life a living hell. You locked me in the basement for days . . . "

"Mm-hmm."

"Killed anyone who seemed to like me . . . "

"That's true."

"Never bought me a WayneStation Four . . . "

"You had a LexBox Two, it was just as good."

"And worst of all, you named me Herman!"

"It was my grandfather's name."

"Fuck you! You're the worst father ever!" Herman turned away.

"Very true but let's take a step back," Psycho sat next to his son and took a deep breath, "The reason I made your life a living hell . . . is because I care about you."

"What?" the emo teen asked as if he just heard a bad joke and faced his telepathic parent.

Psycho looked back at him, "It's true. No true supervillain comes from a happy home. And I saw so much evil potential in you. If I didn't think you could become the worst person in the world, I wouldn't have tried so hard to make your life awful."

His words got through to Herman, "I . . . I only ever wanted to impress you . . . but I never thought I was evil enough."

The emo boy started to sniffle then his father said, "Uh-uh-uh. Nuh-uh. No. Don't cry, don't cry. You're gonna make me cry because I thought I failed as a father and you ended up happy and heroic."

He placed a hand on his child's arm, "But look at you. You're more evil and vile than I could've dreamed. Attacking other villains with online reviews, influencing the opinions of countless people, and doing so behind a different identity. Just like a true supervillain. I couldn't be more proud of you, my terrible son."

"I hate you, Dad. I hate you so much," Herman sniffled happily.

Psycho brought his offspring in for a hug, "I hate you too, son."

His teenage son began weeping though he was not the only one in tears for Ivy was too as she and Red X stood in the doorway and watched the whole thing.

"This is so fucked up. But weirdly really moving," she sniffled and grabbed the doorknob, "We'll let you two have your moment."

The redhead shut the door and wiped away some unshed tears from her eyes.

"Gimme your cape, babe," she sniffled.

Her boyfriend gave her a confused look, "Wait, what?"

Ivy grabbed his cape, brought it up to her face, and blew her nose into it.

X was now annoyed as he pulled a handkerchief out from his belt and held it to her, "Use this instead."

"Thanks," his redhead lover took the cloth and started using it instead.

The thief and assassin glared at the wet spot on his mantle and growled a little before he was suddenly picked up and carried out of the hallway by Giganta's hand.

The giantess gave him a rather aroused look, "Aww, poor baby. I better clean you up."

"Huh?" he asked then she carried him away, "Hold on. Stop. Wait!"

Giganta ignored his words and took him to someplace else; Ivy watched the whole thing happen.

"Huh, why do I feel like that's my fault?" the eco-terrorist asked herself.

-(The GCPD rooftop)-

Commissioner Gordon was still holding Clayface's detached arm close to him while he pointed his gun at the humanoid clay blob.

"If you want to stay with Gordon, I understand. I only want you to be safe and . . . safe and happy," sniffled the shapeshifter to his limb.

Suddenly, Batman came swinging in on his grappler and landed on the rooftop while holding Harley securely to his side.

He put his passenger down and she exclaimed excitedly, "Holy shit! Can we do that again?"

"No," he answered firmly, making her pout like a child.

Gordon lowered his gun and frowned at the Caped Crusader, "Oh, so you came back. Well, I've got a new friend now so there's nothing you can say-"

"Jim-"

"Oh, I can't stay mad at you," the commissioner placed Clayface's arm on the ground and started walking towards Batman in an attempt to hug him, "I mean we've been through too much together to just-"

The superhero in black held up a hand and firmly said, "Stop. We need to set some ground rules."

Gordon stopped in his tracks, "Rules?"

"From now on, the Bat-Signal is to be used for emergencies involving crime and supervillainy only. No personal and emotional problems. And if you violate this rule, I will assign someone else to operate the signal and assure that you never use it again. Lastly, while working on a case, we are to maintain a professional relationship. Understood?" Batman firmly spoke.

The police commissioner sighed sadly, "Okay."

"But . . . after the emergency is over and if there is something bothering you, I will be willing to listen. As one fellow man to another," the founding member of the Justice League added.

"Really?" Gordon beamed in joy.

"Yes. And as a fellow man, I have to say . . . you're pathetic, Jim Gordon."

Everyone was shocked to hear the Caped Crusader say that then Harley cried out, "Bats!"

Batman gave her a hard look, "No, Quinn, he needs to hear this."

He cast his eyes upon the police commissioner again, "All you have done is complain about your wife cheating you. And you haven't done anything about it. It just seems you want to cry and be coddled. Well, no more. Answer me this – do you love your wife, Jim?"

"What?" Gordon asked.

"Do you love your wife? Yes or no?"

"Y-yes. Of course, I do."

"Then fight to keep your marriage. Go see a marriage counselor and try working things out. But if things cannot be fixed, consider a divorce. Take your problem by the horns and do something. For once, Jim, be a goddamn man."

Gordon widened his eyes, "Oh my god . . . you're right. All this time, I thought my problems would be fixed if I just talked about them. But I have to do something to fix them. I have to take action. I need to be a man again."

He smiled, walked up to Batman, and gave him a hug, "Thank you, Batman. Only a true friend would be that harsh with me."

Batman let out a small sigh then said, "Sure."

The tension finally faded as Gotham's dark knight went over to the spotlight, took out the folded-up bat insignia from his belt, opened it, and placed it in its usual spot.

"A damn good Bat-Signal," he gave Gordon a smile, "For a damn good cop."

The commissioner smiled back; Clayface's arm walked up to him, sniffling and giving him a sad look.

Gordon gave him a grateful grin and knelt down, "Thank you for everything, The Arm. But I've got my real friend back now, so you can go on and get reabsorbed back into your daddy."

The detached limb started to walk toward Clayface but stopped and gave his friend one last tearful look.

"Aw, don't do that. Don't make this harder than it needs to be," sniffled the police commissioner.

The Arm ran towards his 'parent', "Oh, Jim. I'll never forget yo-"

He did not get to finish his farewell due to the shapeshifter reabsorbing him.

"Well done!" cheered Clayface as he held up his right arm which was finally complete.

Harley smiled for her friend and teammate then Batman walked over to her and held up a pair of handcuffs, "Alright, Quinn. Time for me to take you to Arkham."

"Wait, what? I just helped repair your most important adult relationship," she protested.

He responded, "You still stole from Wayne Enterprises."

"C'mon. Can't you look the other way this one time?" the blonde tried giving him an innocent smile.

"No," said the Caped Crusader.

He made a grab for Harley but she jumped back, pulled out the teleportation device, and pressed the button.

She tossed it to Batman, "Catch."

He did just that and was teleported away, most likely back to the Batcave.

"Let's get the fuck out of here!" the blonde called to Clayface.

They were about to run towards the rooftop access when a trio of police officers burst from the door and pointed their guns at the pair of criminals; Gordon pulled out his own weapon and took aim.

"Everybody, hands up!" ordered a cop.

Another said, "Hands in the air."

"You're under arrest!" shouted a third.

Harley and Clayface looked worried but suddenly, every gun floated out of the officers' hands and over to Dr. Psycho who had arrived with Poison Ivy on some of her mutant vines.

"Not so fast, gentlemen," he aimed the weapons at their original owners, "Dance, coppers!"

The telepath began firing at the ground around the cops and made them 'dance' before they retreated back into the building.

Gordon took aim at Harley, "You're not going anywhere, Quinn."

He was about to shoot when his gun was forced to point towards the sky; Red X was the reason for the weapon's sudden change in direction.

"You?" Gordon asked aloud, surprised to see him.

Harley smiled happily upon seeing her boyfriend, "Babe!"

X glared at the police commissioner, held up a finger, and slowly wagged it at him, "Uh uh uh."

He yanked the pistol out of Gordon's hands and tossed it aside before walking over to Harley and Clayface as the public servant went to retrieve his firearm.

"You two, grab onto me," the assassin ordered the pair.

"Gladly," the pale-skinned blonde smirked and gently grabbed her boyfriend's crotch while the shapeshifter held onto his shoulder.

Red X pushed his belt buckle then he, Harley, and Clayface disappeared into thin air as Psycho and Ivy took their leave. Commissioner Gordon retrieved his weapon and was about to take aim but saw he was the only one there.

"Damn you, Red X," he growled.

-(The Harley crew's abandoned mall)-

" . . . And so it is with a humble heart that I come to you, Cowlheads, retracting my previous review. Harley Quinn and her crew have more than proven themselves," said The Cowled Critic on the tablet Dr. Psycho was holding.

Harley was sitting on the couch next to him while Ivy, X, Clayface, and Sy were gathered around the couch as they all watched the video review.

The aspiring supervillainess spoke up, "Look, look, obviously I want to get into the Legion of Doom super bad. It's incredibly important to me . . . but not more important than you guys."

Clayface wiped away an unshed tear from his eye for he was touched by her words.

Red X patted his blonde girlfriend on the back, "Truly wise words, Harley."

"Thanks, babe. Also, what happened to you not being allowed to go against local authorities?" she smirked.

"Well . . . there are certain circumstances when I can. Like saving you. Which is a top priority to me," he answered.

"Awww," Harley gave him a loving smile.

"Check this out, everybody!" Psycho cried out excitedly.

"And I want to give a special shout-out to Dr. Psycho, who I slandered in my last review. Feeling really bad about that. Using his amazing brain powers, he made Batman vanish. His super cool son must be so proud," said the critic as the telepath smiled, knowing what those words really meant.

The lady clown was confused, "Uh, that's not what-"

Ivy placed a hand on her shoulder, "Let him have this."

"Also want to apologize for saying Poison Ivy and Dr. Psycho were having an affair behind Red X's back. That one's on me," said The Cowled Critic.

"Ah, thank God," sighed Psycho.

"Finally," agreed the eco-terrorist.

The telepath paused the video and turned to his boss, "By the way, did you ever figure out what that button does?"

"Actually, I did. Turns out it's a teleporter to, get this, the Batcave!" Harley revealed with a huge grin.

Everyone was shocked and a little excited to hear such a revelation.

"Jackpot! Where is that beautiful little gadget?" asked Psycho.

She answered, "Oh, Bats was tryin' to arrest me so I pressed the button, tossed it to him, and teleported him away."

The excitement was now replaced with disbelief.

"So you discovered that we actually stole a teleporter to the Batcave. Essentially, a key to the most guarded treasure trove of technology on the planet. And you gave it back to Batman?" asked the diminutive supervillain who had a little twitch in his eye.

"Yeah," it was then Harley realized what she had done, "Excuse me."

She stood up, grabbed her baseball bat, went into one of the dilapidated stores, and started smashing everything in sight.

"MOTHERFUCKIN' SHIT! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCKIN' FUCK! GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! COCKSUCKIN' TURD! GOD FUCKIN' DAMMIT! SON OF A TITTYFUCKIN' BITCH!" she screamed.

The lady clown's rampage came to an end; she panted a few times and rejoined the others who were taken back by her actions.

She sat back down on the couch and smiled, "I'm fine, it's fine. Easy come, easy go or whatever. It doesn't matter."

"Hold on, ya stole that fakakta thing from Wayne Enterprises and it sends people to Batman's secret lair. Why was it there in the first place?" asked Sy.

Harley frowned, "Who cares. Maybe Batman asked Bruce Wayne to make it for him. Let's just watch the rest of the video and move on."

"Um, if you say so," said Psycho then he resumed The Cowled Critic's video.

"In conclusion, Harley Quinn and her crew are indeed worthy of being nominated for this year's class of The Legion of Doom . . . if she could only just stop leaving crew members behind," said the disguised reviewer.

"We didn't leave anybody- oh shit," Harley remembered who she had forgotten about.

-(Blackgate Penitentiary)-

King Shark was sipping some kind of liquid in a bag through a straw.

He stopped to lick his chops, took a quick sip, chuckled, and narrowed his eyes at the old man in front of him, "Darrell, if you ever bring me inferior toilet wine again, I'll be forced to shank you in the showers and you know I don't want to do that. I like being 'cool boss'."

Darrell meekly nodded then ran out of King's cell that was being guarded by a burly prisoner acting as a bouncer. During his time in Blackgate, the shark-man became the boss of the other prisoners and he was living it up despite being imprisoned. He resumed drinking his offered homemade liquor when the back wall exploded and knocked him into his cell's barred door; he lost his drink and his bouncer ran for it.

One of Ivy's mutant vines carried Harley into the room through the hole and set her down.

"Hey, King. I am so sorry for leavin' ya here for so long," she apologized.

King stood up and dusted himself off, "Oh, no problem. It allowed me to experience firsthand the failings of the prison industrial complex."

He suddenly heard a couple of prisoners catcalling a new inmate and stuck his head out.

One convict called out, "Yeah, fresh fish!"

"Here fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy," said another, adding some kissing noises to their taunt.

"Now, fellas, look, I know it's just in fun but . . . WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT WORD?!" King Shark roared, becoming feral in appearance.

One of the jailbirds replied in a fearful voice, "Oh, yeah. Sorry, King."

"Ooh. Sorry about that," said the other.

"Oh. They're learning. Baby steps. Right, Harley?" King Shark walked over to his boss then resumed roaring at his underlings, "I WILL KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS IF I HAVE TO!"

Two mutant vines slithered in, grabbed the shark-man and the pale-skinned beauty, and carried them out of the penitentiary and over to the Harley crew's van parked on the opposite side of the road.

The tendrils placed the pair down and returned to being ordinary plants before Harley called out, "Let's go!"

She ran to the front passenger's side as King Shark climbed into the back with the rest of the crew and Red X.

The blonde put her seat belt on and looked to Ivy who was in the driver's seat, "Step on it, Ive."

Her best friend wasted no time in doing that and the van sped down the road.

"Welcome back, ol' chum," Clayface greeted their teammate.

"Oh, thanks," King noticed that the shapeshifter had both hands, "I see you got your hand back."

"Indeed. You would not believe the incredible excursion we've had."

"I bet. Oh, by the way, did you guys ever figure out what that button does?"

Upon hearing that, Harley let out an angry shout, held up her baseball bat, and got a destructive look in her eyes.

"No!/No!" everyone else shouted as Ivy and Red X reached out to stop her.


And there you have it!

I hope you enjoyed it because it was a blast writing it. Especially the part where King screams at the top of his lungs, that's one of my favorite scenes from the entire show.

The next chapter is going to be a really good one, I think you all will like it. I know I do.

Side-bar to all of my readers who keep suggesting characters - please keep doing it. I enjoy it whether the character is for Naruto's harem list, his team, or whatever. Your suggestions help me come up with interesting ideas even if I don't end up using them in the way you were hoping for. And don't worry about being original. If more than one person suggests the same character/characters, there's a high possibility they will appear. Think of it as a popularity contest. This also branches out to 'Star Wars: The Web Warrior' and 'Big Hero 6: The Iron Chronicles' though those will have certain restrictions which will be explored on their second chapters.

Well that's all I have to say for now, see you all next time and keep being you!