Disclaimer: (sings to the tune of we will not be moved) I DON'T! I DON'T OWN RED DWARF!

(Ahem) well here it is, the next chapter, I guess it's not THAT long but it is a lot longer than the last chapter.

Anyway now this is posted for you all (Bex and Alex jump about excitedly) I can go back to copying up the next chapter, listening to Sian ranting on about Mike & Draco, and still been in shock from the double whammy that the Postman didn't arrive till 8:40pm - and he brought a 8 day late birthday card from my auntie Gwen which said 'happy 14th birthday!' - I WAS 16!


Nirvana

"Where the hell did it come from?" Rimmer asked suspiciously as if somehow the baby was a bomb in disguise.

"Rimmer! Surely you don't need a lecture on the birds and the bees?" Lister smirked, trying to make light of this… unexpected situation.

"You know what I mean you gimboid!"

"Well Rimmerworld - Obviously!"

"Thank you for that piece of useful knowledge Lister! WHY is it here?"

"Well how the smeg should I know?" Lister replied sullenly. "OH MY GOD!" He exclaimed a moment causing everyone else to jump in shock.

"What?"

"Somebody took a bite out of my Sugar Puffs sandwich!"

"But we don't know anyone suicidal!"

"Errrr guys, I hate to break up this… thing, but smeghead look-alikes are heading this way." Cat interrupted as the smell of the 4 soldiers and the scent of death entered his nostrils.

Cat bristled momentarily as he connected the scent of the deceased person with that of the kid in the basket.

"Let's get out of here." Rimmer said, his voice raising a couple of octaves in panic at the thought of meeting his clones and captives again.

"A most sane suggestion sir." Kryten voiced as he followed Rimmer and the Cat into the cockpit and the three began takeoff procedures.

Lister tentatively picked up the Nirvana and tried to cease her crying by rocking her gently.

"What do we do about the kid?" Lister asked as he walked into the cockpit bringing.

"Gag her?" Cat asked as Starbug's engines burst into life

"I'd second that… How'd you know it's a she?" Rimmer asked frowning.

"Hello! Extra sensitive nose here!" Cat sighed as he manoeuvred the craft back through the planet's atmosphere and back into space.

"You know for a Rimmer she doesn't look like you – and I've seen your baby pictures - You were one ugly baby!" Lister observed, watching happily as Rimmer's angry face grew as red as Nirvana's was due to her crying.

"I agree sir, and here such unusual looks are punished with death." Kryten added as he stood up from his seat and Cat engaged the auto pilot.

"We can't keep it!" Rimmer protested as if he were talking about a pet goldfish or lemming.

"Have a heart Rimmer! It's your fault this place exists – your mind is defective or something!" Lister replied as he walked back through to the mid section and sat down in his chair.

"You only just worked that out?" Cat scoffed as he, Kryten & Rimmer followed Lister through.

"I didn't have anything to do with that!" Rimmer argued crossly as he folded his arms.

"Oh so Rimmerworld just MAGICALLY appeared is that it?" Lister retorted, shaking his head, not noticing that despite the emphasise on the 'magically' he and everybody else were already shouting, due to the rather loud noises been emitted from Nirvana.

"Well I don't… What's this?" Rimmer asked as he broke off at the beginning of a rant to pick up the score book.

"Just our scrabble scores."

"No – It's a note!" The others gathered round at Rimmer's revelation, to read the 'note'

"Nirvana, Rosemary, Chris Mclaran." Lister recited as he read the names.

"I remember a Rosemary..." Rimmer said after a moment.

"…Well?" Lister asked as he waited for Rimmer to continue.

"She talked to me in the cell… I think… I thought I dreamt it…"

"And I suppose this kid is a dream and all?" Lister scoffed as he passed the Nirvana to Kryten and moved to the far side of the mid section where he and Cat stood, grimacing.

"Well I wish it was…"

"Sirs, it seems to me that Rosemary is one of the inhabitants of Rosemary world, Nirvana is the name of this child, a name which Mister Rimmer must have mentioned during a delirium in reference to his ex girlfriend, which leads to the conclusion Chris Mclaran is the foreign DNA that makes this child individual – he is the father." Kryten finished his speech and waited for the usual looks of confusion and admiration, but none came.

"Hell even I got that one bud!" Cat said as he rolled his eyes.

"I was just clarifying sir." Kryten said in a hurt manner.

"I only need one thing clarifying." Lister asked grumpily.

"What's that sir?"

"Was it this herb person that ate some of my sandwich?"

"Lister no-one cares about your smegging sandwich!"

"I CARE!"

"Lister, we are in the middle of deep space with a kid we can't take back to Rimmerworld because it will be killed and a father we quite frankly – have no idea who or where he is!" Rimmer shouted over the din, his nostrils flaring so much you could see every single hair in his nose – not a pretty sight.

"I thought you didn't care and wanted to get rid of her?" Lister mocked as he took another step backwards and tripped over a box.

"I don't care!" Rimmer protested weakly.

"Liar." Lister muttered as Cat covered his ears and backed into the cockpit.

"This is more painful than Hammond Organ music!" The feline moaned as Lister tentatively took the child from Kryten.

"We got some milk or something?" Lister asked as he screwed up his face, resisting the urge to drop or strangle the howling misty emerald eyed kid in front of him.

"We have some limited supplies sir, but I highly doubt they would last longer than a month." Kryten answered sadly.

"That's ok, we can water it down with larger." Lister said as he held Nirvana at arms length in case she peed on him like that time he'd tried to feed Hannah - his father's dog, a worming tablet.

"Well hark at mother Lister! You can't give alcohol to a baby!" Rimmer said turning this statement that had seemed so shocking – even by Lister's standards, into a sarcastic retort, giving Rimmer temporary moral high ground.

"Sure you can! – What about Babysham and Alcopops?" Lister replied sincerely.

"Are you smegheads going to stand here arguing all day or what? We have to shut that thing up and get some peace eventually!" Cat shouted with venom as he shut the cockpit door behind him.

"What's wrong with him?" Rimmer replied sarcastically as the crying grew louder in volume.

Lister thankfully handed the child back to Kryten as he came in from the kitchen holding a mug of milk and a plastic funnel. Lister sighed incredulously – Rimmer had got them into some strange predicaments before, but this had to take the biscuit – Smeg, never mind one biscuit - this took the whole packet!

As the crying slowly subdued everybody breathed a sigh of relief.

After a moment the cockpit door opened and Cat appeared in the doorway, pieces of tissue hanging out of each ear.

"Thank God for that... Now what?" Cat asked as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Find this Chris guy I guess." Rimmer answered as he folded his arms again.

"What?" Cat shouted as he took the tissue out of his ears. Rimmer shook his head – So much for magnified hearing.

"I said we need to find this Chris Mclaran person, you poor excuse of a feline!"

"And why do we need this Chris dude, oh wonderful creator of cretins?" Rimmer smiled smugly till Cat's statement and insult rang a little bell of anger in his mind.

"Because puss-in-glitter – this 'dude' must be a time traveller – We find him, we can unload this kid… Nirvana." Rimmer's tone seemed to soften, but only momentarily as he said the name of the woman he had loved and the child who by a rather scary fluke – shared his DNA.

"Well just how are we gonna find him then?"

"…We'll think of something… Kryten?"

"Sir I quite frankly have no idea." Kryten admitted as he forcibly handed Nirvana to back to Lister and went to go wash up the mug and funnel before going to search for more milk supplies.

Lister and the others just looked despairingly at the newest member of the crew. Lister sighed and looked into the child's eyes, before groaning and screwing his face up.

"Now what?" Rimmer asked in an annoyed way.

"It's like worming Hannah all over again!"