Remembering – Chapter Three
Disclaimer: Nothing 'Supernatural' belongs to me. I've just borrowed and not for profit.
Rating: Tame
Summary: What is worth remembering about the life you have led so far?
Author's Note: Thank you to all those people who have stuck with this story so far. This is the third chapter of four. This chapter belongs to John and his remembering of the past. My thoughts on John at the moment tend towards him as misguided – I have only seen as far as Nightmare at the time of writing so only have the information in 'Home' and 'Scarecrow' to go on as to what he is like. Only having seen as far as this episode I don't know if my events are plausible – I wanted a reason for Dean's change in attitude when he speaks to his Dad on the phone in 'Scarecrow' so that is where this comes from. Again it could be set partially during 'Faith' but could be another time unspecified. I continue to be grateful for reviews and constructive comments – it's good to know if I'm on the right track. Thank you for taking the time to read my scribblings.
Chapter Three
John listened to the message on his voicemail. His boys asking for him again. He turned the message off; he didn't bother listening all the way through. It was hard enough as it was, he could barely remember a time when they hadn't been asking for something. The difference was that it used to bring him joy, now it was only pain.
John opened his wallet and took out the three well-worn photos. Punishment or reward; looking at the photos always made him think of how proud he was of his sons but how he had failed them. Would Mary ever have been able to forgive him for the life he had inflicted on them?
The first photo was of Mary, not long after they met, newly in love; he remembered the joy and exuberance of their life then, the smiles, laughter and confidence they both felt that life was good and they had a future together. More than twenty years had passed, and the memory of that feeling still twisted his insides making him feel sick.
The second photo is of the four of them outside their new home in Lawrence. Again he remembered the day it was taken, Mary and Dean's open laughter, Sam smiling as he was passed from one parent to the other, always looking and reaching for Dean, although the only time Dean was allowed to hold him was when he was sitting securely and Sam could be put safely in his arms. He remembered how Dean had been a livewire bouncing and laughing all round the house, running from place to place and coming back each time to tell Sammy about his latest discovery. Months later, it had all been over and John had not only lost his wife but his eldest son had been irreparably changed.
The final photo is of himself with the boys. He remembered the occasion; he had taken the boys fishing. Sam would have been 9 or 10 and Dean about 14. It was supposed to have been a relaxing weekend but now he remembered how hard the boys had worked all weekend trying their best to please him. The fishing had been fun to start with and both boys were enthusiastic, fortunately that had been when the photo was taken and so all three were smiling. It hadn't taken long before he had started to snap at the boys for being silly, when really the problem was that he had resented being there, resented not being out hunting; resented time given to his sons, what kind of father did that make him. The weekend had been supposed to be recuperation time after Dean had been hurt on their last hunt. He remembered now how because of his own behaviour the weekend had not ended as it should. The final straw was when Dean had been making Sam laugh and had been showing off and Sam had responded in kind only for John to shout something about growing up and acting their ages.
Sam had gone silent and withdrawn to a position on the other side of his brother with a 'Sorry Dad.' By contrast, Dean had stood his ground and let rip at his father asking exactly how old he thought they were and how were ten year olds supposed to act on a 'fun weekend'. Even now, thought of the emphasis Dean had put on the words 'fun weekend' sent shivers down John's spine.
He remembered Sammy stepping up to put his hand on Dean's arm and quietly saying his name. Dean's reaction had solidified the shivers in John's spine, 'No Sam. Dad promised. He promised that this time we would have a weekend, just a weekend to ourselves, to have fun, to relax, but it was too much to ask for. He didn't want to come. He didn't want us to come. He doesn't want us to know what it's like to be normal and to do 'normal' things likes other families and the other kids at school are doing. Hey, we should just go, we aren't a normal family after all.' Dean had refused to even look John's way as he had packed up their fishing gear and started back towards the car with John and Sam watching him. John remembered how his words had struck home and how he had tried to apologise, but Dean had rejected it, rejected him.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, how much would we do differently if we could. He remembered the ensuing month of ferocious arguments between himself and Dean. Sam had been an almost silent observer throughout, the rare occasions he spoke or joined in, he had sided with Dean.
And now finally, fourteen years later, John regretted what he had done at the end of that month, knew that above all his other bad decisions that one alone would outweigh all of the others together because it had been done with intent. He hadn't really wanted to hurt Dean, but he had wanted the arguments to stop, he wanted to get the focus back on the hunt for them all. There would be time when the hunt was over to make up for anything said. Fourteen years later, the hunt was still not finished, it was too late for him to think that he could ever make up to either son for the damage he had caused. Thanks to Dean, Sam might one day be able to go out into the world again and have a life but thanks to him, Dean was probably always going to be alone.
They had, despite the arguments, spent the rest of the month hunting, He had taken both Dean and Sam on all of those hunts, giving Dean the responsibility of not only helping him, but also of looking out for Sammy. The first two hunts had been fine. The third had followed a day's worth of exhausting arguments with Dean accusing John of not caring and finally stating that he wanted out, he wanted to go and stay with his aunt and uncle and he thought Sam should go too. That night's hunt had gone gravely wrong from the outset and Sam had been hurt. As they waited in the hospital for the doctor to bring news of Sam, John had done the worst he possibly could to Dean, an unforgivable act. John had told him it was his fault that Sam had been hurt, told him that if he had been focussed it would never have happened; told him that he had let his mother down, after all, hadn't he promised to look after Sammy; told him his aunt and uncle would never want him to stay, he was too much trouble. Basically, he had lied over and over again, thinking that if Dean calmed down and wasn't so fiery, he would make a great hunter and a sound back-up man, that he needed to focus and not be distracted by emotion. He had lied until the final remnant of child in Dean had given up and died.
Life had become easier and at the time, John had been grateful for the revived status quo, Dean, like when he was younger, no longer answered back or questioned his orders and had become a whole lot easier to manage. It was only now that John realised never again had Dean uttered a genuine heartfelt laugh, never cried or expressed a real emotion. He said things like, 'I'm happy…' or 'I'm pleased…' but might as well have been ordering soda at the local shop for the emotion evident in what he was saying. He had also never mentioned 'normal' again.
For John the photos were not a reminder of the good times when the pictures were taken, but reminded him instead of the ruin that was his life and how he had dragged his sons down with him.
He wondered if when the boys thought back if they had any good memories and if they did what they were and what prompted them to remember them.
Author's Note: One final chapter to go, Dean's chapter and the contents of the envelope are revealed. I only hope they don't disappoint.
