This entire thing was a mistake.

Realistically, they shouldn't have done anything in the first place. But Karma definitely should have left it at the hand jobs. Maximum. But slowly those barriers came down. First with the spectacular making out, but then everything else. At that point, it can't be just any old dick. It's most certainly Nagisa he's doing this with, and it's breaking him.

He'd convinced himself that it was okay. Everyone's first time is meant to be at least a little awkward, like some kind of rite of passage. Sparing Nagisa from that is a good thing. But instead of just showing him a good time, Karma messed up. He let Nagisa get too close to him. Like the true snake he is, coiling around him until suddenly he's suffocating.

Sex isn't supposed to feel like this.

On pure physical experience alone, it's far from the best he's ever had, by a long way. But somehow that concept doesn't matter, because the way he felt? It was too much. Nagisa gave way too much of himself. It was like holding something precious right in his hand, something he had to put every effort into not breaking, even if he broke himself in the process.

Karma's not sentimental. Sex is sex. It feels good, and then it's over.

Sex with Nagisa wasn't just sex. From the moment he finally pushed into him, it felt like being punched. Well, a kind of punch. An upper cut straight into his soul or something. Sex is just sex, even when the person with him isn't just random. In fact, he used to roll his eyes when people got all poetic about it. Unfortunately, he gets it now.

The earth-shattering stab to his soul? Wow. It takes everything he has to hold himself back. And it's not like Nagisa's even doing much here. All it takes is for him to wrap his arms around him, and he feels like he's been electrocuted. How can he stop this from being over in ten seconds flat? And then there's the moment Nagisa suddenly moans against him, and he knows he got his prostate somehow. It's not like Karma's hugely selfish usually or anything, but he's never been this determined to make someone feel good before.

Looking down at him almost makes him want to cry. It snaps him out of it a little, though. Seeing the glassy pleasure in Nagisa's eyes… Why should he stop himself? He starts moaning, then, attempting to reciprocate by the way he moves his hips. Slightly missing the rhythm here, Karma thinks, stop being so frantic. He won't hold it against him, though. Not with those sounds. Not when he decides to clench around him on purpose.

So maybe they smack heads a little. Who cares? Not when he gets to stare at Nagisa's open, open expressions. And then he gets to feel the snap, and it really is almost enough to set him off too. Of course there's a part of him that's extremely turned on by the fact he caused this, but mostly it's the sensation that gets to him. The way he keeps thrashing and spasming for what seems like almost too long.

"Karma," he practically screams, his voice ringing like a thousand bells. "Karma, so good. Harder, harder. Karma. Yes. I'm- oh my go-"

He only remembers in such detail because he's sure those words are going to be etched into him forever.

Karma feels ruined.

No matter how unfair it is, Karma's almost angry with him for it. How dare he? Nagisa doesn't even know what he's doing, yet he somehow makes Karma feel the best he ever has? This is just a stupid, messed up friends with benefits thing. And the benefits have an expiry date. Yet here he is, and it feels like Nagisa just stole something from him.

He can't imagine ever feeling like that again.

Karma never agreed to this. This isn't just a bit of friendly help. This is… he can't possibly leave Nagisa alone again now. Nagisa didn't do anything wrong, of course not, but Karma's mad at him anyway.

Mostly, though, he's mad at himself.

He can't even jerk off without thinking about Nagisa anymore. When he physically tries to think about someone else, it makes him feel kind of sick. So what are the options, here? Have Nagisa permanently? Or commit to a life of celibacy? Only one of those sounds even remotely appealing, but he knows it's impossible.

At least some of his excuses remain. After all, he can't just do missionary and send Nagisa on his merry way. Most people don't even default to it. And okay, when Karma actually does take him on his hands and knees, that ends up ticking him off too. It should have felt great to him, and Nagisa seems to enjoy it. But he spends the entire time mildly irritated that he can't see his face like this.

His favourite time is that brief moment he decides to flip him over so he's riding him. It's Karma's favourite position, if he has to top. Only a little because it doesn't involve doing much work. And Nagisa… of course he's shy and cautious, but he lets himself open up. Grinding himself back and forth as he rides him, Karma's not sure if he can imagine anything closer to perfection. Those hips, for one… he wants to dig his fingers in and pull.

He's destroying him, body and soul, and he can't do anything about it.

And then, just about on cue, Nagisa finally hits him with it. Admittedly, it's not the best day already, but Karma wouldn't dream of cancelling. It's like the one thing that keeps him from just passing out after work. He's already basically addicted at this point. More than a week without Nagisa feels like some kind of torture sentence. But there they are, sitting in his apartment, and Nagisa has that look in his eye like he's about to say something stupid.

"Karma… about everything…"

"Hm?"

Nagisa practically bounces his knee. Here we go. "I-I just wanted to say thank you, for… using up your time with all of this. We've done a lot of stuff already now… and you've shown me so much already. So I was thinking, what is there left to teach? When do I graduate? …or something. I just don't want you to waste time you don't have, I mean."

Karma's annoyed, more than anything. For one, that sounded incredibly rehearsed. Has Nagisa just been repeating that entire speech to himself the entire way here? It's also, if he dissects his words, incredibly stupid. No matter how good it so happens to feel, he's still not contributing that much when it comes to sex. Karma wouldn't be able to say 'he knows what he's doing'. And why is he so concerned about his time? In fact, it's probably the most round about way of 'dumping' him he could possibly have tried.

Somehow he finds that a little funny. "What, you think you're experienced now?"

"N-no," Nagisa looks panicked. "I just don't know how much there is left to show me."

"There's plenty," he says casually.

"Like what?" All of a sudden, he looks curious. So he genuinely is just worried about this being pointless?

Karma didn't actually think about that. What, he wants a lesson plan or something? Trust Nagisa, trying to skip ahead to new things rather than refining the basics. He's not sure exactly what 'stuff he hasn't shown Nagisa' actually entails. There's probably plenty they could do, if he really thinks about it… Though without trying to re-enact the entirety of kama sutra…

"W-well," he stands up, like that'll help him think better. "There's other stuff. It doesn't just end here. We've been pretty vanilla so far, actually."

Nagisa just looks confused. "I don't know what you mean."

He gulps. "Even you must know what kinks are."

"L-like handcuffs and cosplay and stuff?"

Yes. Thank you, Nagisa! It's not actually what he meant, or at least he thinks he meant, but he can roll with it. Nagisa in cosplay… that would definitely be fun. Though, he's not sure about handcuffs, it's not like he owns any. The closest he's come to handcuffs was some dodgy hook up trying to convince him to rent some at a love hotel, a memory that makes him shudder (negatively).

"Exactly! There's… way more to it than that, though. BDSM is pretty complicated."

Karma's mad at himself again. He knows he should probably just admit that he's never really… done that sort of thing. Not in the capacity of some of the people he knows, at least. A voice that sounds suspiciously like his neighbour begins a lecture about the value of trust. But… hey, with the look on Nagisa's face? Maybe Karma's just shocked him out of the idea. Maybe it's enough that he'll drop this whole 'new stuff' thing and be perfectly content with the vanilla stuff.

"How do we do that?"

What?

"You want to?"

"You just said-"

"Okay," Karma cuts him off. He doesn't want Nagisa to keep reminding him of the reality.

It's not like Karma's clueless. He knows a lot of people who are super into the whole thing, even if it hasn't really appealed to him so much in the past. And it's not like there's never been… aspects of it. But he knows this, whatever the hell he accidentally suggested, is a very different thing. It's like he's in an exam he didn't study for. It has to be somewhere in his memory, though? Establish your boundaries first.

"First you have to talk about what stuff you like."

Nagisa swallows. "I don't know what that is. I… haven't tried it."

"Of course you haven't," he realises. Duh?! He was literally a virgin a few weeks ago. "And you've never… imagined it?"

"I never even really thought about the normal stuff."

This isn't helpful. So Karma has to come up with all of this on the spot? He should really just come clean. He knows better than this.

"Explain it," Nagisa presses.

"Well…Usually, you have one person who's more dominant, and one who's submissive. And then the dominant one does whatever it is to the submissive."

Nagisa does that thing with his head that makes him look like a lost puppy. "So… you want to do that kind of stuff to me?"

Karma feels like he's about to internally combust. If having sex with Nagisa was a strange development… Nagisa asking him if he wants to make him his sub? He's honestly surprised Nagisa just assumed that position. Sure, physically it makes sense if he bottoms for now, but this is different. Nagisa's a lot of things, but Karma definitely wouldn't have said naturally submissive. He rarely just does things without fighting back. Is that the role he's picturing, though?

"If that's the role you want."

"What role do you usually have?" There's that head tilt again. He needs to stop it.

"I don't mind, I could like both."

It spills out of him before he can stop himself. And, okay, he's not technically lying. Of anything that could be considered kinky in his past, he supposes it's gone both ways. Although the idea of Nagisa bossing him around is kind of funny… he knows what he can be capable of. That's not a turn on… yet at least. The idea of bossing Nagisa around, though, that's easy to picture.

"But you know what you're doing..."

That snaps him out of it, immediately, and Karma feels bad. That's the point of all this, isn't it? He should be guiding him or something. That means he's really going to have to take the reins with this one. Well, it's not like he's never come across some… interesting things before. In this state of mind, at least, if they do something that's only really on the boundaries…

"Let's try something. I don't know if you'll even like it. But… you really need to trust me."

"Of course I trust you."

The look in Nagisa's eyes almost breaks him. It's so warm, so genuine, and Karma loathes himself. But he's already dug his grave at this point. This seems to be something Nagisa wants? And, admittedly, Karma can't help but feel a little freaked out. How casually Nagisa might have just walked away… and he'd never get to feel him again.

Trust Nagisa to ignite his worst fear.

Though, making sure he doesn't get away isn't a bad idea?

There's no way it wasn't going to be hot. If regular vanillaish sex with Nagisa is anything to go by… But Karma hadn't expected Nagisa to actually commit to it so hard. And yeah, there's some primal part of him that blatantly enjoys Nagisa doing exactly as he says. The look of him, bound by Karma's work tie (for lack of a better tool) makes him feel possessive, too.

He's not sure what he's planning to do, at first. He starts with simply undressing him, then taking him into his mouth. There is something about this… the idea he really can do anything he wants with him. He kind of wants to mess him up as much as possible. So that's how he ends up tying his wrists to the bed frame, fingering him open as he tries to concentrate.

"Just do it already."

It's pretty much the most aggressive direction Nagisa's ever given him. At first, it almost makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. But, it's also kind of funny, coming from him. It's exceedingly rare for Nagisa to make anything close to a 'complaint'.

"I thought I was the one in charge here?"

Nagisa almost looks like he's struggling, and whilst Karma is filled with an urge to meet his demand, there's something so fascinating in it… He can't help but remain exactly where he is, jerking him off slowly. It's just… weirdly hot, just to see him squirm like this, with his eyes squeezed in some kind of containment effort.

"P-please."

He's not sure how he manages to keep his cool externally, but Karma's kind of impressed with himself. "Please what?"

Nagisa's head tosses back, and he looks gone. "In me. Now."

Holy-

Karma bites down hard on his own tongue, the most reasonable measure to keep himself sane. How can Nagisa just… say things like this? They're meant to be in some sort of role for this, and yet… the amount of control Nagisa has over him is nearly frightening. If this is him, with only an ounce of sexual confidence, then… Karma might just die by the end of this.

"Well, if you insist."

He doesn't mean to do it quite so hard, but it almost can't be helped. Besides, Nagisa seems to like it. And hearing Nagisa verbally ask for things, even plead at times? He's going to loop that in his head forever. It's definitely… doing something to him. Even just the look of him, eyes glazed over in sheer pleasure, mouth open to let out free moans… and his wrists tied to the bed frame. He's helpless like that. Karma can do anything to him… Something comes over him, and he ends up flipping him over, pounding him as hard as he can.

So maybe he's into it?

He checks anyway, of course. He knows aftercare is important in this context. Not that Nagisa's seemed to want much of that any time before this, but Karma doesn't mind. He doesn't especially like it either, so. He can at least do the bare minimum, though, and cook him food.

There's something even more primitively pleasing about Nagisa praising his cooking.

So Karma does the right thing? He's still mad at himself, but the sex was good. At least he figures it out, before they do anything again, but there's a part of him freaking out further. For one, it turns out Nagisa might have a lot more kinks than he could have guessed. But also, doing all of this makes him feel even more anxious about this coming to an end.

Nagisa wouldn't want anything more than this, though.

It's just… infuriating. Even with Nagisa on his knees, sucking him within an inch of his life in an izakaya bathroom as some kind of 'birthday gift', he can't get the pit out of his stomach. He loves it, every second, but he can't imagine living without this. And, with every bit of extra boldness Nagisa shows him… it's just one step closer to their end.

He's killing him.

He hates that he dreads that time in their afterglow, too. Even though Nagisa becomes more open to receiving care, and no matter how good that makes him feel, it just means he's going to leave soon. It's not like Karma's ever directly invited him, but he can't help but imagine just how good it would feel to sleep with Nagisa in his arms instead. It's definitely the unofficial boundary he hates the most.

Not that they have many left at this point.

A part of him hopes they're on the same page now. He's not teaching him much at all anymore, they're just doing it. And it's almost unfair. This is the best sex he's ever had, and every time it just gets better again. It makes no sense, honestly, but there's nothing he could complain about.

Especially with how much more Nagisa opens up, eventually.

Maybe the need for more direct aftercare is behind it, but he's even started to appreciate the afterglow a lot more. He loves the feeling of holding Nagisa in his arms, that and that alone. So much so he hates it when he leaves. He definitely doesn't want anyone to touch Nagisa like this. Not now, not ever.

This is his own personal hell.

Of course, he's not dumb. He knows these feelings have long since crossed the line of friends with benefits. But there's no way he can stop it at this point. He already knows it's going to blow up in his face eventually. What else could he do, ask him out? Even if Nagisa agreed to that, somehow, he's not even sure about it himself. Even the thought makes him feel unsteady.

So what is this?

What's worse is that Nagisa appears to be even more into it than he is. Shouldn't he be proud or something? That he's taken such a shine to this? Unfortunately, he's a little busy with hating himself for loving pretty much every moment. But… what can he possibly do? How is he supposed to react?

What can he do when Nagisa shows up without warning, shoving him inside his own apartment like he owns it. "I changed my mind. Is that a problem?"

All Karma can say is "no."

He kind of wishes he'd given a better answer, though, because the look on Nagisa's face is dangerous. It's like he's seriously planning to kill him where he stands. This is it, isn't it? In many ways, this is entirely his fault.

Karma hates him when he kisses him. When he coils his arms around him, dragging him down. Karma can't resist it, not even if he truly wants to cry. The way Nagisa slams him up against the wall, somehow, is almost pathetic. Maybe Nagisa can beat him in a fight, they've proven that, but the circumstances were very different. Regardless of skill and tactics, Nagisa will never be physically stronger than him. Yet he's overpowered here like it's nothing. For a moment, Karma can't help but think that his lack of physical muscle is basically irrelevant, and this is exactly the same feeling as being wrecked by someone actually ripped.

"I want you to hurt me," Nagisa says.

Admittedly, that throws him for a moment, because Nagisa seemed more than happy to act as the dominant one there. "Huh?"

Nagisa just pushes him harder against the wall, yanking the hem of his shirt. "I want you to be rough with me. I don't really care how. Just…" he looks down, before making eye contact again, "make it hurt."

It brings him out of the fire for a moment, because that's not something even Nagisa would just say out of the blue, right? "Are you… feeling okay?"

Nagisa looks angry all of a sudden. "I know what I want."

He's the one with total control here, no matter what role he's actually in. Karma shouldn't agree, in fact it looks like Nagisa's barely in his right mind, and yet that... blood lust? Whatever it is in him… it might be scary, but it's dragging him in.

"Okay."

The spell breaks, and Nagisa looks like he's coming out of his trance. Okay?"

Karma swallows. "If that's what you want."

"It is."

And just like that, Karma slips right down to the gates of hell. Unfortunately for him, it seems that Nagisa himself is the gatekeeper.