Chapter 11

When Don stopped at the hospital the next afternoon, Charlie was in a chair next to the bed, ignoring a tray of food in front of him. Alan sat in another chair, closer to the window, using the light to help him pretend to read a book. He glanced up at Don when the door opened, smiled nervously. Don walked over to the bed and sat down on the end.

"Hey, Charlie."

Charlie moved his focus from the tray in front of him, seemed to see Don for the first time. He eyed the black suit suspiciously. "Isn't it Saturday?"

He probably should have changed, but there really wasn't enough time to change back again. Keep it brief. "Yes."

Charlie was staring at the knot in his tie. "Megan said the team is off, today."

"We are." Don exchanged a glance with his father, and Charlie saw it. His brother lowered his gaze, pushed away the rolling table. There was an interminable silence.

"You've been to a…a…service. For one of the agents."

"Yes. I would have changed, but I wanted to see you, and I have another one this afternoon."

Charlie wouldn't look at him.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I should have just waited, come later."

"Can you get rid of this food?" Charlie was looking a little green, and Don quickly rolled the table over near the door, then resumed his position on the end of the bed.

"Do you want some ginger ale? Mom always gave us ginger ale, when…"

Charlie's head shot up. "When what? When we were shot? When some terrorist somewhere decided none of us are worth anything?"

Alan stood. "Charlie…" His voice was gentle.

Charlie lifted a hand to rub his eyes, and Don saw that it was shaking. "I'm sorry. I have a headache." He looked at Don, then, really looked at him. "This must be very difficult for you. I wish…"

Don held his gaze. "I know, Buddy. We all wish. Yeah, this is hard. This is a hard day. Charlie…you have to know that going to your service would be worse." Don couldn't seem to stop talking. "This half hour is all I have, today, this half hour is saving me. Sandwiched between these two horrific events, I can come here. See you. Talk to you. Maybe it was selfish…all right, I know it's selfish…but can you give it to me anyway?"

Charlie looked away. His hand fell to his lap, and Don could see that it was still shaking. "I want to," he finally said, quietly. "Really. I'm glad that you thought of coming here." He laid his head back on the chair. "Maybe…maybe you and Dad could spend some time together." He raised his head again to look apologetically at Don. "I'm sorry. I've been up a long time. I'm sorry."

Alan had walked around the bed by then, and he placed a hand on Charlie's forehead. "Yes," he agreed, "you have been up a long time."

Don stood. He really didn't like the way his brother was looking. "Don't apologize, Charlie, I shouldn't have come and upset you. I'll go get the nurse, so you can get back in bed for a while."

"Don, wait…" Charlie reached out a hand toward him, and Don grabbed it, surprised at the strength of the grasp despite its shaking. "Will you come back? After? I promise to be…better. Different." His hand dropped and his head fell back against the chair again. "I'm tired."

Don knelt in front of him, and let his father leave the room to search for the nurse. He tried to speak soothingly. "It's okay, Charlie. I'll come back, don't worry. You haven't done anything wrong." He was terrified to see a tear slip down Charlie's cheek.

"I feel like I have," his brother mumbled.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He stood next to Megan at the next service, one for an agent he had not known well, but well enough for greetings in the corridors, when they met. Fallen in the line of duty, he was given a 21-gun salute at the end of the service, the flag from his coffin was folded and handed to his widow. People began to drift slowly toward their cars.

"Did you know him well?" Megan finally ventured.

"No. I think I did something stupid."

"What?"

"After McCaffery's service, I stopped by the hospital to see Charlie. He could tell, from my suit, and my…demeanor, I guess…he got pretty upset."

Megan frowned. "What did he say?"

"He got…momentarily angry, but then he just kind of deflated into some guilt thing, or depression, or something." Don sighed. "He said he was tired, and had a headache, even my Dad said he'd been up in a chair for a long time…maybe it really was physical. I don't know."

"It was probably both. A little over 24 hours ago, Charlie was still unconscious. I'm sure he is still pretty vulnerable, physically."

"I shouldn't have gone."

Megan stopped. "No. Don't do that, Don. Charlie can't hide from this…from the consequences we all have to pay. If I thought hiding would work, do you think I'd be here now?"

Don looked at her. "I guess not."

"Let him be momentarily angry, or sad, or whatever he's feeling. As long as it's not guilt. Reassure him that none of this is his fault."

Don nodded. "I tried. I'll keep trying." They started walking again. "Are you planning to come and see him tonight?"

"He sounds exhausted." She laughed a little, a hard laugh. "I know I am. I'll call, later. I'll come if he wants me to, but it sounds like he needs rest."

"Yeah." Don waited while Megan got into her car. "Don't we all."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Alan was in the waiting area when Don got off the elevator.

"Dad, have you been here all day?"

"I'm going home, your brother is sleeping…still freaks me out a little, to watch that. Anyway, I wanted to see you, first."

"Why? Is something else wrong with Charlie?"

"He does have a slight fever, but he's all right. He just got too tired. I want to know how you are."

"I'm okay. I'm sorry I came by earlier, that couldn't have helped Charlie…"

"Son, Donnie…did it help you? I don't want you to get lost in all this. You've suffered tremendous losses, tremendous pain…I just wanted to look you in the eye again today, be sure you understand that I love you. I know that can't help much right now…"

Alan's words became muffled as Don all-but-crushed him in an embrace. "Of course it helps," he said, and squeezed his father tighter. "I love you, too."