Shooting Stars

Chapter Seven: Something Like Gravity


Author's notes: Gyahahahahaha! Finals, I have beaten you! I have persevered! I am the mistress of ALL THINGS!

Ahem, yes. On that note ends my sophomore year of college :sweatdrop: I offer you this little gem to commemorate the event. I really like this chapter, even if the end made me blink and go to my roommate, whining that Ryuichi had gone philosophical on me and I didn't know what to do with him. But it just… fits.

In this chapter, Tohma struggles with the effects of gravitation, Noriko asks a lot of questions, Eiri complicates matters by being too innocent for his own good, and Ryuichi gets straight to the heart of the problem. Enjoy! Review!

Disclaimer: If you recognize someone or something, chances are it's not mine. About the only thing I own are the six volumes of manga I splurged on after selling back my textbooks…


The time immediately after my disastrous trip to Kyoto seemed to pass in spurts. I retreated into myself in defense of all the emotions battering at me, but it didn't seem to do any good. I played and composed on automatic—the quality of my work was still superior, so K-san certainly noticed nothing out of the ordinary. There were bright moments in the next several weeks: concerts, the release party for the new disk, New Year's Eve, which ended with me having to carry an inebriated Noriko-san home after her glass had been refilled by K-san one too many times.

I avoided Kyoto like the plague, aided by my tight schedule, telling myself sternly that I had to get a hold on myself before I did something stupid. I told myself this would fade in time, that I was blowing it all out of proportion, that a moment of temporary insanity meant nothing, that I would forget all about this…

I didn't.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him, as though a floodgate in my heart that had been previously locked had now been thrown open. I saw him everywhere, in the glittering gold of New Year's champagne, in the shadows of bare tree branches, in the warmth of the sunlight that hit my face in the morning to wake me up from dreams I should never have had.

I hated myself for about a month, then became weary and resigned. I threw myself into work, trying to use it to keep myself awake and distracted. Sometimes it helped. K-san was delighted with my productivity when I churned out three songs guaranteed to be hits in the space of a week. Ryuichi-san seemed pleased on the surface, but the words he put to the music worried me, because they were killingly accurate to the situation I refused to discuss.

I wanted to see Eiri-kun more than anything, so I sternly forbid myself from so much as calling the Uesugi temple, burning my energy away in the recording studio and mixing sessions. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him, but I could certainly stop myself from contacting him. When K-san announced that we were to go on tour, I was elated. Concert after concert, city after city, screaming fans, bodyguards, the make-up trailer, the private plane… for a while, at least, it was enough to distract me. But only for a while.

"You're going to have to tell me what's wrong with you sooner or later." Noriko-san's voice intruded on my pleasant, vague daydream as we were in transit to Okinawa. I didn't open my eyes, hoping to discourage her. "You can't trick me by pretending to be asleep. You're not the one who falls asleep on plane trips; that's Ryu-chan. Damn it, Tohma-kun, stop keeping secrets."

Sighing, I gave up and opened my eyes. Ryuichi-san was, indeed, curled up on his seat, hugging Kumagoro and clearly oblivious to the world. I would have given just about anything to be in his place in the face of this inquisition, which had started nearly three months ago when I had showed up at her door in Kyoto, and showed no sign of letting up, despite the bewildering fullness of our schedules. She hammered away at me at every spare moment. "I don't know what you're talking about," I said, looking out of the window over her head and trying to keep my voice mild.

"Like hell you don't," she replied. "You've been off since the video shoot in Kyoto, and it's not getting any better with time." She smiled sweetly. "I have you on this plane for the next hour, and there's no one to hear us, so I'll scream at you if I have to."

"I would hate to have K-san come back here when you cause a commotion and leave the controls unmanned," I said. Where a record label executive had learned to pilot a plane I would perhaps never know, but K-san's abilities saved us a great deal of trouble with public airports.

"Then you'll talk to me before I do," Noriko-san replied. Her sharp glare softened into something wistful. "I wish you'd talk to me. You've never locked me out before."

That made me feel much guiltier than her threat to scream. "I'm not locking you out," I replied. I looked at Ryuichi-san again… so much better to be unconscious than to have to deal with these constant feelings, with fear and hope and desire all rolled into one. Of course, if I was sleeping, I would be dreaming, and my dreams lately were perhaps worse than the waking reality.

If I told her… no, that was impossible, of course. No one could know about this. "I just… have nothing to say."

"Your eyes say otherwise, Tohma-kun," she said solemnly. "You've been so spacey lately." She leaned her head on my shoulder and linked the fingers of her hand with mine. "I ask because I'm worried, you know," she continued.

"Oh, and here I thought you were only in it for the gossip," I said, trying to make my tone jovial.

"Cut the joking, Tohma-kun," she said wearily. "You can fool everyone else, but not me. Not Ryu-chan, either. He knows something is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong."

"I wish you would stop lying to me," she hissed, trying to keep her voice low.

"We'll wake up Ryuichi-san if we fight," I said. "You know he gets motion sickness. He's much better off sleeping through the flight."

"We're not fighting," she parried. "You're fighting."

"That's silly, Noriko-san. It takes two people to have a fight."

There was silence for a few moments, but when she spoke again her voice was soft once more. "I hate this." I didn't reply. "I hate that you can't trust me with your secrets. I hate that you're pulling away from me."

There was so much pain in that statement that I looked at her, really focused on her face for the first time since she had started talking. There were tears sparkling in her eyes, a surefire way to make me feel like scum and give her whatever she wanted. "Noriko-san…" I sighed. "It's not like that. You're the person I trust most in the world."

"Then why don't you trust me with this?"

"I don't trust myself with this," was my answer after a few moments of watching her face.

"At least I'm getting the truth now," she said. "It's that bad?"

"Bad enough. Please don't ask me." I felt the tenuous control I had on the situation slipping through my fingers. I wanted to talk to her about it, had halfway dialed her number in the middle of the night more than a few times, but in the end, I had kept my secret to myself. As long as no one knew, I could pretend it wasn't true. "I don't want to talk about this."

"I only wanted to help…" I was silent. She sighed and smiled, ready to change the subject. "You'll talk to me someday. Did you know, Ryu-chan says you're sad because you're in love," she said, with a little laugh that clearly showed how little she thought of this theory, and that she was trying to lighten the conversation. "Either that, or you have a stomach ache."

"I shouldn't be surprised that he's perceptive." I was tired and upset, so I spoke before thinking, something I did very rarely. "I know he sees more than he lets on, or he wouldn't write the way he does."

Noriko-san drew in a sharp breath. "Wait, what?"

I watched her face undergo a series of changes as she looked at me. "Why ask me when he gave you the answer?"

"If you're implying what I think you're implying, you don't have a stomach ache."

"Certainly it wouldn't last three months," I offered. "But I suppose it was the most plausible alternative to the truth he could think of."

"You're…" She shook her head. "Crazy. What with the ice water in your veins, I didn't think you were capable."

"Neither, my dear, did I," I smiled sadly.

She stared into my eyes for a few moments. "You're not joking," she finally said. "You're really… who is it?"

I felt very near panic. "No, Noriko-san," I said. "Absolutely not."

She didn't push the subject, only hugged me despite how awkward it was to reach over the seat. "All right, Tohma-kun. I'm sorry."

My head dropped to rest on hers, and I let myself be comforted.


It became apparent that fate, or whatever was ruining my life at this point, didn't intend for me to solve my problem by staying away from Eiri-kun. I often thought that there was something that connected me to him, something almost like gravity. Whether I wanted to or not, I would think and dream about him. Whether I wanted to or not, I would love him. And whether I wanted to or not, I would be drawn to him, like a moth to a flame, knowing I shouldn't get near him, yet unable to stop myself.

All of this flew through my mind in a split second when I wearily climbed the stairs to my apartment, having just returned from the last city of the tour, and found him sitting on the doorstep, his head leaning forward onto his knees, very clearly asleep.

For one moment I was sure I was imagining things, or that I was dreaming, but no, there he was, asleep at my door at four in the morning. I didn't have any idea what he was doing here, or how he had gotten past the building security, or any number of other things, but there he was, and I was entirely at a loss.

He roused himself as I heavily took the last three steps, and smiled with bleary eyes. "I thought you'd never get home. Is it morning?"

I found my voice. "Almost. I… why are you here in the middle of the night, Eiri-kun? Did you run away again?"

He grinned and got up. "I didn't run away, and I didn't get here in the middle of the night. I got here at eight."

"And what have you been doing here since eight?" I asked, slowly. Maybe if I kept my voice level, he wouldn't notice I was almost shaking. What on earth was I supposed to do with this?

"Waiting for you to come home and let me in, since I don't have a key," He said reasonably. In a daze, I unlocked the door. "I thought you'd be back by midnight at least though."

"I'm sorry… I wasn't aware you would be waiting." I slanted a look at him.

"Well, my sister refused to give me your new phone number," he said, yawning and sitting on the couch. "But I hoped you wouldn't mind… if you do, I'll go home in the morning." He looked so guilty that I wanted to hug him and tell him it was all right… but that wouldn't be all right at all, would it?

Who knew anymore? Would I have to question all my urges from now on?

I leaned against the wall, watching him in the half-darkness, the only light in the house coming from the hall. His eyes glittered gold even in that little illumination, and I wanted nothing more than to go to him. I felt that pull again, something like gravity, and I firmly kept my back against the wall, fighting it. "So you did run away," I said, trying to sound stern, talking just so I wouldn't have to think. "Your father will not be pleased that you're missing school, I told you before."

"School got out yesterday," he said. "I finished at the top of my class."

"Congratulations," I murmured automatically.

"I got into high school, too. The same one Mikarin went to."

"Congratulations," I repeated numbly.

"I wanted to tell you since you're the one who talked me into trying and say thank you for lecturing me… back when I wasn't going to class or doing my work, you know," he said. "And since they wouldn't give me your phone number and I remembered your address… I just came. I'm sorry, I'm probably a bother, but-"

"No, of course not!" I interrupted him. He was here. I wanted him to vanish… and I wanted him to stay. I nearly whimpered. I had no idea what I wanted. "I'm just… very tired," I finally said. "I've been on the road over a month, and…"

"Oh no! Tohma-san, you should go sleep," he said, sounding distressed. "It was so inconsiderate of me to just show up now!" What was I supposed to say? 'I don't mind that you're here, but I don't trust myself alone with you'? This would be funny if it weren't so sad.

"No, I don't mind, really," I said, though I minded very much. "I'll just… be clear-headed in the morning, all right, Eiri-kun? You should sleep too; sleeping sitting up must not have been too comfortable either…" I mumbled this while stumbling towards my bedroom, feeling like I needed to lie down.

"Good night, Tohma-san," he called softly from the living room as I shut my door behind me, leaning heavily against it, feeling like my skull was splitting open.

Though I was exhausted, when I lay down, the only thing I could think of was the fact that he was sleeping in the next room. I could almost fool myself into hearing his breathing through the walls. He was asleep in the next room, and it didn't even occur to him to distrust me. And for some reason I didn't quite understand, it was me he had come to with his good news. He had sat outside my door for eight hours, waiting for me to come home. He had come to me, no matter how hard I was trying to stay away from him, and he smiled at me with that innocent face because he didn't know…

However tired I was, I didn't sleep that night.


There were several skills I had perfected in my lifetime, and one of those was the ability to act completely unruffled, as though I hadn't a care in the world. I was convinced that if I hadn't been as tired when I had come home, and if Eiri-kun's appearance hadn't been such a surprise, I certainly would have handled everything better.

The next morning I really was more clear-headed. Despite the fact that I hadn't slept, after a long shower and three cups of coffee I felt nearly as sharp as usual. It was fortunate that I had grown accustomed to going on little to no sleep.

I had breakfast started by the time Eiri-kun emerged into the kitchen, as well as a sketchy plan of action, so I smiled almost naturally. "Good morning, Eiri-kun," I said cheerfully. "I apologize for yesterday. I was very tired."

"Did you sleep well?" he asked.

"Yes," I lied.

"I'm sorry for barging in-"

"Oh, please stop apologizing. I told you it was all right, didn't I?" I smiled. "I'm lucky you came now, when I'm finally getting a week off. They work us far too hard, you know."

"I've seen on TV," he agreed.

"Well, I'm free today, and Ryuichi-san called me a few minutes ago, saying he's going to take his sisters on a day trip to the sea. He asked me if we wanted to join him." Actually, I had called Ryuichi-san myself, waking him from sleep and talking him into getting out of bed and taking a trip, despite having just returned from one. I wasn't entirely sure why he had agreed as quickly as he had, but then, he was the most laid-back person I knew. Noriko-san would have asked questions, and having people, particularly children around, would make this a little easier on my nerves. I couldn't do anything stupid with Midori-chan clinging to my pant leg, after all…

"It's still so early in the year…" Eiri-kun said uncertainly.

"Yes," I agreed. "We can't go to the beach in summer. Too many people know our faces."

"Oh," he said. "I should have thought of that."

"Don't worry about it! This way, we'll have the coast to ourselves… it's so nice this time of year, even if it's too cold to swim. And I want to do something nice for you, since you got into a good school." I was going to treat him like a well-behaved child that had earned a reward if it killed me. Besides, as much as I just wanted to stay home after the month of hotel rooms, if I stayed alone in the apartment with Eiri-kun…

Better not to think about that.

I was rewarded with a smile that made my heart skip. "Thank you!"

"Your father called me too," I continued, trying to fill up the silence, telling the truth this time. "Even though you're not missing school this time, you still ran away without telling them, didn't you?"

He laughed, embarrassment showing on his face. "I didn't think he'd let me. That, or he'd insist Mikarin come along as a chaperone…"

How was I supposed to respond to this open, trusting expression? "Well, I won't pretend he's satisfied with your behavior, but he says you can stay for today." I softened these words with a smile, trusting myself just enough to tousle his hair in the most brotherly fashion I could manage. "Go and get changed, and we can go."

He bolted his breakfast and locked himself in the bathroom, and I let myself sag into my chair. If he had seen me then, he would certainly have known I wasn't as well as I claimed, but while the water in the shower ran, I felt safe taking off my mask. By the time he was back, I was smiling again, and I heaved a sigh of relief as we left the house. I could do this.


We still had to wear hats and sunglasses, as well as relatively drab clothing as a precaution, but Ryuichi-san had kicked off his shoes as soon as we had gotten near the sand, though it was barely warm enough. The mild spring weather hadn't stopped the girls from rushing into the water with their jeans rolled up, squealing at the cold even while they splashed each other. After a while, Eiri-kun had loosened up enough to join them, so I was left wandering along the beach. Ryuichi-san didn't seem to be in a playful mood, as he had let his sisters drag Eiri-kun off, then fell into step with me.

We had driven several hours to reach the coast, then another hour until we had found a deserted stretch of beach, so we arrived mid-afternoon. I was left blissfully alone with my thoughts, as Ryuichi-san wasn't chattering, for a wonder.

"I like this spot," he finally said, breaking the silence. "Want to sit down?" He plopped down on the sand to look up at the sky. I sat on a nearby rock. I could just see the forms of Eiri-kun and the girls a little ways up the beach. If we had continued walking aimlessly for much longer, we would have lost sight of them.

I watched the sky for a while. It was nearing sunset now. "I'm happy I get to make music with you, Tohma," Ryuichi-san said unexpectedly. I couldn't see his face under the shadow of his hat and his large sunglasses.

"I'm happy to make music, too," I said, wishing I could get rid of my own sunglasses and let the wind blow freely in my face. "It's like a dream…"

"If you're happy to make music, why are you so sad?"

I didn't look at him, staring at the place where the sea melted into the sky instead. I had been expecting something along these lines from him. I also guessed that unlike Noriko-san, nothing but the full truth would placate him. "I suppose I'm a little sad because I can't have the one thing I want most of all," I said carefully.

"Yes, that is sad," he agreed. "You're always a little sad now. You must want this thing very, very much."

"Yes."

"But Tohma, you can't be sad all the time." He turned his head to look at me, though I still couldn't make out his facial expression too well. "Because you have other things that you want, don't you? Like your music. Everyone has something they want more than anything that they can't have."

"Do they?" I mused. "I haven't noticed."

"Yes," he agreed. "K told me once that if you ever reach your unreachable dream, you die. Maybe it's better this way."

"Is it?" I answered with a question again. This was turning into something of a vague philosophical discussion, something I couldn't quite connect with Ryuichi-san, even at the rare moments when he acted like an adult. "I don't know anything about that."

"You should," he said, sounding almost like his usual childlike self. "It's an important thing to know. And you would be so much happier if you stopped thinking about the one thing you can't have."

"I would be, but I can't," I answered.

"I know." He was quiet. "Because it's the one thing you want more than all the other things you already have."

"Does that make me greedy?" I asked with a forced laugh.

"No," he said, and turned his head away. "You didn't choose to want it. You just want it because you do."

"Yes," I agreed. "That's why I'm sad."

"It's a good reason to be sad. But if you're always sad, the people around you become sad too." His chest rose and fell with a sigh. "So you have to smile, because people want you to, and because it's easier to make yourself be happy when you smile. If everyone always let themselves be sad, no one would ever smile again. That would be terrible. It's better to try a little harder and be happy all the time, even if you never reach your unreachable dream."

"An unreachable dream…" I mused. "Do you have one, Ryuichi-san?"

He turned towards me again, and I had the oddest sensation of feeling an intense gaze burning through me, though I couldn't even see his eyes. His voice when he answered was so cheerful it seemed out of place. "Yes. I have something that I want more than anything in the world. And I can't have it, either." He stood up then, busied himself brushing the sand off of his clothing, then ran towards the others, shouting for them to stop wading before they got sick. I was left alone in the reddish light of sunset, wondering why I felt even more heartsick than before.