Shooting Stars

Chapter Ten: Blind Hope


Author's notes: Aaand... off we go. As I told the lovely and talented Amanda, "Well, Eiri had to get his 'education' somewhere, didn't he?" I think that Tohma's about the best person there is for that, but then, I'm biased...

The next chapter should be another song interlude. We've ignored Ryu-chan long enough, don't you think?

Disclaimer: If I owned Gravi, I probably wouldn't have to work 50-hour work weeks, would I?


It was only later that I realized how ridiculously, stupidly, blindly lucky we had been. At the time it was happening, I wasn't thinking much past the point that Eiri-kun was kissing me. After, when I had regained some equilibrium, I was appalled at my lack of foresight. I was famous, famous enough to be recognized by a tired nighttime cabbie in Kyoto, famous enough to need tinted windows and bodyguards, and I had been kissing a minor boy in a public street without a care in the world. Through some sheer dumb luck, it seemed no one had seen. There had been no paparazzi present, I appeared in no tabloids, there were not even rumors. It almost seemed that fate had taken a hand that night.

But all of these things were what I thought later, much later, days after the fact when I experienced terror every time I looked at a newsstand, praying as I had never done before that Eiri-kun's name and face would not be linked with mine and splashed all over the papers.

That night, I didn't think of that. It was very hard to think at all, even after he had broken off the kiss and pressed his face into my coat, his hands still holding on to the fabric tightly as if I would move away and vanish. I lifted a hand to stroke his hair, soft and tousled and seeming to glow in the moonlight, and had no idea what to say.

In the end, he was the first to speak, his voice muffled by the soft wool. "I've wanted to do that for years. I thought you hated me."

The juxtaposition of these two statements was enough for me to find my voice again. "I never hated you."

Years. Maybe even longer than me...

"Why didn't you ever call to talk to me, then? You were always so distant, except when I could get away from here and throw myself into your life for a few days. Of course I thought you hated me."

"I never hated you," I repeated again. "I was scared of you."

"Scared?" He still spoke into my chest. His arms had come gradually to rest around my waist; it was clear he wasn't moving any time soon without provocation. "Why would you be scared of me?"

"Because I wanted you and thought I shouldn't," I said on a sigh, burying my face in his hair. It smelled fresh, like some kind of citrus fruit maybe, and was soft as it tickled my nose. It seemed the time for lies and pretense was past.

"And now?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm still not sure I should."

"But?" he persisted.

"But I want you anyway."

He seemed to relax further. "I'm happy. No one else wants me, just for me." I pulled him closer in reaction to the loneliness in that statement. We stood like that for a few moments. My head was reeling with the enormity of what had happened. He finally voiced the question that was on both of our minds. "What happens now?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. I had never thought past that first moment of contact, probably because I had been sure I would be pushed away and rejected, and had only gone to him in hopes of some closure. But it seemed the story I had thought was ending was only beginning. "I should take you home. We've been here a long time. They'll worry about you."

"What about you?" he asked. "Where will you go?"

I thought about the work I should do in Tokyo in the morning. I thought about all of the things I had left undone to rush over here. I should have gone straight back to the airport.

I didn't want to leave Kyoto yet. "A hotel, probably."

"You could stay with us," he said, sounding a little hopeful.

"I shouldn't," I said firmly. "I couldn't explain to Uesugi-san why I was dropping in unannounced at such a late hour."

"I guess not," he agreed sadly. Then, "Will you leave in the morning?"

I knew I should. "Do you have school tomorrow?" I asked instead.

"Yes," he said.

"Do you want to skip it?"

He moved up to look at me for the first time since I had kissed him. His smile was so bright I felt its warmth physically all the way through my body. I felt myself returning it, feeling a little foolish, completely optimistic, and wildly in love. "That's the second-best thing I've heard today."


I spent the next day with him in Kyoto, wandering, doing whatever struck our fancy at the time. It was a crisp, sunny day with none of the bite of the coming winter. I rented a car in the early morning. When I picked him up two blocks outside of school, he hopped in, kissed me on the cheek as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and threw his uniform jacket and school bag into the backseat, losing the anonymity of the schoolboy just that easily.

I probably smiled more that day than any other in my recollection. We acted like stupid tourists, visiting shrines and castles, shopping centers and restaurants. Once, Eiri-kun pointed up at a billboard with Nittle Grasper on it and grinned at me. "What beautiful people," he said, mischief in his eyes. "You don't look like that most of the time."

"No?" I asked, studying the glossy image of the three of us, along with the advertisement for our latest CD. Ryuichi-san was in stage mode, his glance inviting, his posture oozing sensuality. Noriko-san was flirtatious, with her arm around my shoulders and her eyes glittering. But me... I thought I looked as I always did, only with a little polish added on top, a little carefree sexuality that came more from my clothing than anything.

"Your real smile is kinder," Eiri-kun told me. "You're a little aloof up there. Beautiful and cold."

"You think?" I studied the image some more.

"Maybe because you smile for real so rarely," he continued. "I've only ever seen it twice before today." He leaned against me for a brief moment, then moved away, mindful of the people around us. "I like it when you smile."

I barely stopped smiling for the rest of the day.


We ended up on the outskirts of town, walking along some deserted park paths by a long forgotten temple that was falling badly into disrepair. The only way we were keeping track of time was by the fading sunlight. I had switched off my cell phone early that morning and left my watch in the car. Time seemed of secondary importance. It was getting dark, but Eiri-kun showed no signs of wanting to return to town. School would be long over for the day, he should have been in cram school, but he hadn't mentioned it, so I hadn't either. It was just too surreally beautiful to be walking with him in the half darkness, his hand in mine since there was no one there to see and comment on it.

"Will you go back tomorrow?" he asked.

"I have to," I said with genuine regret. "I have to work." I had a feeling Noriko-san had covered for me today; she had, after all, prompted this whole thing. But I didn't think K-san would take too kindly to one of us vanishing again, and he would certainly take it like that if I missed two days in a row. He might think to look for me here, thinking I had also "run off to get married like an idiot", and then I would be hard-pressed to explain exactly what was going on and that he was worried about altogether the wrong Uesugi sibling. I stifled a laugh at that thought. "I'm sorry."

"No, I understand," he said. "It was just so nice having you here and being able to just be me for a day, and not worry about the color of my hair, or becoming a monk, or getting into college, or all the other things I usually have to think about. Thank you for that." He smiled at me. "Can I at least have your phone number, though? Mikarin refuses to give it to me, even when I resort to whining. I keep meaning to ask, but she won't let me talk to you at all. She's as protective as she is with her friends..."

I wondered with a sinking feeling if that meant Mika-san had guessed. But... no, surely not. She didn't see me often enough to guess. "Of course I'll give it to you."

"She would hate this, you know," Eiri-kun said, his voice and face turning serious. "She hates all the attention I get for being the oldest son. I keep telling her she can have it, but she only glares and calls me ungrateful. She would really hate me for this."

I was silent, waiting for a continuation. When there wasn't one and I was forced to speak, I chose my words carefully. "Eiri-kun, what do you want? Right at this moment?"

"To be accepted. To be wanted." He leaned his head on my shoulder. "To be here."

"You know that in order to keep that, you will have to pretend none of this ever happened," I told him. I didn't want to analyze this too closely, afraid it would fall apart at the slightest provocation. I was still completely unsure of what I was doing, only that I had no real choice in any of it, because destiny seemed to have taken a hand in my life.

"I know," he replied. "That's all right. I'll make it be all right. But... will I still get to see you sometimes?"

There was a plea in his eyes. Don't leave me. Don't push me away. No one else wants me. No one else loves me. I could hear it as clearly as if he was speaking aloud. "I'll find a way, even if I have to keep buying overpriced plane tickets. I can afford it." I stroked his cheek lightly. "I need you, too."

"All right," he said. "Okay." He smiled tremulously. "One more question?"

"Ask."

A slight blush stained his cheeks, barely visible in the falling darkness. "Before we go back... will you kiss me again? It makes my head spin when you kiss me."

I was more than glad to comply.


"Good mor—OOF!"

"You look happy, Tohma," Ryuichi-san said cheerfully from where he was sitting on top of me, having just bowled me over with a particularly exuberant greeting I hadn't anticipated. I breathed in deeply, having had the wind knocked out of me. From here, there was no way to get up without unceremoniously dumping him on the floor, so I used my elbows to prop myself up instead, my smile immediate and genuine.

"Good morning, Ryuichi-san," I finished my earlier sentence. "I feel happy. How are you this morning?"

"Shiny!" was his immediate response. He looked at me for a moment, then grinned, got up, and offered a hand to help me to my feet. "I thought you'd catch me."

"I didn't hear you. You've been getting better at sneaking up on people."

He beamed. "I've been practicing with Kumagoro!" I noticed the bunny hanging limply out of the back pocket of the ridiculous oversized overalls he was wearing.

I began walking and he fell into step with me. I had been on the way out of a meeting with K-san, the director of the company, and a few others to discuss ideas on how to handle the media when we announced our hiatus in two weeks. We hadn't come up with anything conclusive. Noriko-san would have been there, but she had called to say she felt a little light-headed, requesting to stay home. As for Ryuichi-san, he had never been interested in the business end of the spectrum. He loved to sing and he loved to write; everything else was clearly nonsense in his eyes.

I had only arrived home from Kyoto in the dead of night, had slept like the dead for three hours, and still felt amazingly rejuvenated. It didn't seem difficult to keep smiling, suddenly. More and more often lately I had had to make a conscious effort. I had had a phone call from Noriko-san at around two in the morning, as I was steering my car towards home. "Are you coming home today?"

"I'm on my way," I had told her, turning down the stereo I had a strong desire to blast suddenly. "Did you cover for me today?"

"Of course, darling. Did you pull that stick out of your ass?"

It had been hard not to laugh. Two days ago, I might have snapped at her. "Of course, darling," I had said, mimicking her.

She had laughed delightedly. "You sound happy."

"I feel happy."

She had yawned. "Good. So I can go to bed and stop worrying about you now. You had better come see me later." She had hung up, and I had kept right on smiling. Clearly, I not only sounded, but looked happy. More than just Noriko-san and Ryuichi-san had noticed it.

"What are you thinking about, Tohma?"

"Absolutely nothing," I told him with a laugh. "You didn't have to come in today, did you?"

"I wanted to see you, and you weren't picking up your phone, so I thought you would be here," he said with a shrug.

"You came to work on a morning off willingly?" I asked, looking at my watch.

"I like mornings," Ryuichi-san said in a singsong voice. "And I've been trying to find you since yesterday."

"Oh?" I asked. "Did you need something important? I'm sorry my phone was off all day."

"No, nothing important," he said. "Are you hungry?" he asked, changing the subject.

"I didn't have breakfast," I told him honestly. I had been sleeping so fitfully lately that I had gotten out of the habit of using an alarm clock. I had not expected to sleep restfully the night before, so I had nearly missed the meeting as it was.

"Good," he said with a grin, grabbing my hand and swinging it back and forth with his as he pulled me in the opposite direction from where I was going and began marching towards the exit to the parking garage. "Let's go find breakfast."


At first, I couldn't understand how Ryuichi-san could stomach hamburgers at ten in the morning. However, when I resignedly took a bite of the one he had ordered for me, I discovered I was actually famished and that it tasted wonderful.

It hadn't been too hard to clear the restaurant of customers; there were few so early. All it took was a few hundred yen and Ryuichi-san's smiling at the lady behind the counter, and the place was ours for an hour. This was what we had to do whenever we ate out, and it was a perk I enjoyed. I had never really liked crowds and noise in restaurants.

"I like American food," Ryuichi-san said, his voice a little muffled since he was speaking through a mouthful of hamburger. There was already a bit of ketchup staining his cheek. "Anyway," he swallowed, his speech becoming a little more comprehensible, "I'm happy to see you smiling."

"I'm always smiling," I said.

"Yes, but I'm happy to see you smiling without trying," he replied. He was in that mode somewhere between childishness and brilliance when I never knew what would come out of his mouth. "Did you have a good time on your trip?"

"Trip?"

"Well, Noriko-chan said you were sick, but you weren't, so you must have gone on a trip," he said matter-of-factly. "Did you have fun?"

I laughed; he was perceptive as always. "Yes, I had fun."

"Maybe I should go on a trip," he mused. "Where did you go? I want to find a place that makes me come back smiling too."

"But Ryuichi-san is always smiling," I said, trying to be lighthearted, though this statement from him made me a little wary. He didn't usually talk this way.

"Yes, but I mean smiling without trying," he said. He had kept his sunglasses perched on his nose, but now he pushed them up on his head, using them as a headband, and I finally saw his eyes, narrow and perceptive, not at all child-like. "Ne, Tohma?" he said, phrasing it like a question. "Will you tell me? What does it feel like to reach your unreachable dream?"

I looked at him, my smile less and less certain, slowly bleeding off of my face.

He put down his hamburger, propping his chin on his hand. "I hope you tell me because, see, if you don't tell me, there's no other way I'll ever know."


"One new single, something really brilliant, will keep their attention for a few months. Do you have anything that will suit?" The next day, all three of us had been called into the office to continue the discussion from the morning before. Noriko-san, however, was dozing in her chair. K-san let her. That was the way she was lately, full of energy until she suddenly crashed, and then woe on the one who woke her. So we spoke in hushed tones.

I shook my head. "Only a few unformed melodies. I'll get to work on them right away so that Ryuichi-san can-"

"I already have words," Ryuichi-san suddenly said from where he was perched on the edge of the desk, Kumagoro in his lap. "They're all done. Will you write for me this time, Tohma?"

It was an unexpected request. Usually, I brought finished music and Ryuichi-san, with Noriko-san's help, found the words that went with it. On occasion, the three of us would sit down together, and the words and the music would come hand in hand. But neither of them had ever handed me finished poetry before. "Of course I will," I said, bewildered. "I didn't know you were working on anything."

"I wrote them yesterday," he said, smiling that deceptively open smile. Is that smile not real? Is he forcing it? Is that what he meant yesterday? "After you went home." He dug into his pocket and pulled out a messily-folded piece of paper. "Here you go."

"Good, wonderful," K-san said with a wide smile. "You can manage a tune for that in a week, right, Tohma?"

"Of course," I said, slipping the paper into my jacket pocket without unfolding it. If he was giving it to me, it meant it was brilliant. I never questioned his talent. "I'll get to work on it right away."

"Good. I expect to record it in ten days."

Which meant unending rehearsals the moment it was finished. He wasn't giving us much time; the faster I set it to music, the better. "Before the press conference. We can mix and release it right after, and it should push us through a few months, anyway."

"I hope you like it, Tohma," Ryuichi-san said, his smile wide, his eyes guileless. The stuffed rabbit on his head looked more accusing than he did.


I didn't actually get a chance to see the lyrics until quite a bit later that evening. After I finally got home, I set upon making dinner. I felt like doing it myself instead of ordering in; I was actually a very decent cook, certainly better than Noriko-san, though Ryuichi-san managed to outdo me (years of raising children would have had to teach him how to cook, I supposed). It didn't really occur to me that I was putting off the composing. Once my solitary dinner was finished and I had cleared away the dishes, I actually headed towards the piano, but then my cell phone rang. "UESUGI", the screen told me.

"Moshi moshi?" I said, putting the phone to my ear. It was a little later than Mika-san usually called.

"Good evening, Tohma-san." The voice on the other end was hushed, but I recognized it immediately, felt my heart leap.

"Eiri-kun!"

"Is this a bad time?" he asked worriedly.

"No, of course not," I said, sitting down on the couch and forgetting all about the composing. "It would be all right even if you called in the middle of the night. Why are you whispering?"

"Tatsuha is asleep and I can't call from another room."

"I see," I said with a sigh. I wondered why Mika-san was so adamant about keeping Eiri-kun away from me, but I didn't want to test it. We were walking on eggshells as it was. "Are you all right?"

"Sort of," he said. "I got into another fight at school today." He sounded more resigned than upset. "I don't even know what it was about. Just... stupid." He sighed. "I know I sound like a spoiled child, but I wish you would come back. Everything makes so much more sense with you."

My heart went out to him. "I don't think you sound like a spoiled child." I thought a moment. "You know, I recall promising you that if you got into high school, I'd try to get you out of there," I suddenly said. "If you can just wait two weeks, I'll look into it." I sighed. "It's going to be murder for about that long, but after, I can come to Kyoto, if you want me."

His voice brightened, though he was still whispering. "I do, I want you, come back! Two weeks?"

"Yes," I said, feeling warm inside. "But first we have to pull a song out of thin air and record it."

"In two weeks?" he asked. "Even you usually take longer, don't you?"

"I have about three days to put it together," I said ruefully. "I haven't even seen the lyrics yet. I don't even know what kind of song it is." I looked at the piano guiltily. "In fact, I should probably try to do something about it now. I meant to, after dinner. And you probably have school in the morning, so you should rest."

"All right." I couldn't help a little thrill that he sounded so sad to let me go. "It's really all right if I call you in the middle of the night?"

"It's really all right." I smiled into the phone, though he couldn't see it. "Good night, Eiri-kun."

"Good night."

I hung up and sat for a moment, the phone in my lap, smiling softly. Such a little thing shouldn't have made me so happy.

I do, I want you, come back!

The smile widened. All I had to do was create the next hit first, and then I could go to Kyoto. I pulled Ryuichi-san's lyrics out of my pocket and began to read.

So who was I, when you first touched me?
I don't know anymore, don't you see?
I could have been those things you couldn't be,
Except I lost myself along the way...

By the time I was halfway through the sheet of messy handwriting and scratched-out words, the smile was almost gone.


I felt physically drained by the time the press conference and release of the single were over. The new song, Believe Me, was an unprecedented success. Even for us, the reactions to it had been astounding.

"Edgier and more desperate than ever before," the critics wrote. "Raw. Electrifying. Powerful."

"We can ride this wave for months," K-san had told us ecstatically when it opened as number one on the charts. "You geniuses have just bought us a lot of time."

Noriko-san had cried, hugging both of us, thanking us over and over, while we kept telling her that she was being ridiculous. K-san dismissed us, telling us to go out and have a good time, but warning us that if either of us came back married he'd shoot no matter who was acting as a shield. There was a farewell party, everyone got a little tipsy (except Noriko-san, whose glass Tetsuya-san wisely kept taking away), and everything had an air of carefree jubilation.

But the entire time I watched Ryuichi-san, and wondered.

Still, just now he wasn't at the forefront of my mind. I had a very important turnaround to stage that day. So I put my exhaustion away as Mika-san bowed me into the house, and played polite guest for a few hours before bringing up my key point.

"I've been thinking about Eiri-kun's school problems," I said. "I think I may have found a solution for you." After all, this had to look like I was doing a favor for a family friend, nothing more. "As you know, I've come upon some free time suddenly," I continued. "I decided to work a production job at Shinjin's sister company in the United States. I always like to stay busy, after all."

There was an approving smile on Uesugi-san's face; clearly he thought this was the good and proper thing to do. I couldn't see Eiri's expression clearly; he was hiding his eyes.

"I then thought that a good knowledge of the English language is one of the key points to getting into a good university here in Japan," I continued. "It would have been fortunate if I had had a chance to go to America when I was in high school; the Tokyo University exams were very difficult." I sighed, putting on a concerned look. "I know it isn't wise to seem like you're rewarding Eiri-kun's misconduct in school, but Mika-san tells me he is getting high grades now, isn't that right, Eiri-kun?"

"Yes, Tohma-san," he said, looking up, trying desperately to hide the hope in his eyes. "I want to be an honor to my family." I could have kissed him for playing along, if that wouldn't have ruined the whole thing. "Still, I do agree that English is very difficult. I wish I had a better grasp on it before I take my entrance exams..."

"Well," I said, taking the conversation back into my own hands, "I have already purchased an apartment in New York. I should be leaving in a few weeks." Sweet smile, going in for the kill. "It occurs to me I could help you out. I'd like to take Eiri-kun to New York with me."