Shooting Stars

Chapter Fifteen: Homecoming


Author's notes: Well, Tohma/Ryuichi fans and Tohma/Mika fans are sure to love this chapter. Tohma/Eiri fans will probably cry. But this chapter was easier to write than the last two, because I've desperately missed Noriko and Ryuichi, and getting them back into the mix was like a breath of fresh air. Even if I think Ryuichi needs a hug almost as much as Tohma does. On the subject of Tohma, yes, this is indeed the last chapter of his spectacular breakdown. He should slowly but surely start getting his feet under him starting from chapter sixteen…

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation, but I wish the manga came out as quickly as these chapters seem to be lately.


The next few weeks were easily some of the worst of my life. We spent them in New York, my apartment feeling empty though, as before, there were two people in it—Mika-san had wordlessly moved into Eiri-kun's old room for the duration of his hospital stay. He had been taken from urgent care and put into another wing of the building. His primary care doctor stopped checking in on him by the second day, and he was left to the mercy of Dr. Hamilton and others like her, psychiatric analysts and counselors who attempted to put his mind back together.

I knew my presence was not welcome, so I stayed away. After a few days, I tried showing up to work to distract myself, but was met there by the startled eyes of my secretary who informed me that K-san had been by to collect my things and apologize that I would not be returning. I only shrugged, turned around, and headed back out, ignoring her calling after me.

The days were long without work to distract me. I tried playing a few times but the music wasn't there, as though the unending shifting melody that had never ceased playing in my mind had suddenly been cut off. The nights were longer, and I often stared at the ceiling until it was almost dawn. When I did sleep, my mind was filled with fragmented dreams that left me feeling empty, or worse, crystal clear images of the way things had been before, the same kinds of vivid dreams that had urged me to seek him out what seemed so long ago. Sometimes I wished I didn't have to wake up.

I crawled out of bed late, sometimes well into the afternoon, feeling tired even on the rare days when I had managed a decent night's sleep. Mika-san was never there in the afternoons, spending them in the hospital with Eiri-kun. She came back in the evenings and we ate dinner together, usually in silence except when she initiated empty conversation. She tried talking about him and his progress the first day, but quickly found other themes more comfortable. Although I wanted to know, I didn't ask.

Those days blurred together after a while. I'm not entirely sure what I did with myself between waking and falling back into bed. The only thing that's very clear in my memory is a constant ache inside, and the fact that I often wanted to cry but never did after that first day. After a few days of this listless behavior, Mika-san made a comment that perhaps I also needed to see a counselor.

"So that someone else can agree that this is my fault?" I asked her dully. "I don't need anyone else confirming that; I know it myself." I didn't particularly feel like having my mind picked apart by someone like Dr. Hamilton, someone just as likely as not to call me a monster and restate the hard truths I already knew.

"If you keep acting this way, you're going to have to see someone," Mika-san said, pursing her lips. "I'm sick of watching you play the martyr. I have enough problems with Eiri without you on top of them."

After that, I made a conscious effort. By the middle of the second week, I was outwardly back to my usual self. I taught myself how to smile again, how to behave around Mika-san so that she smiled with satisfaction at me when she thought I wasn't looking. Dutifully, I spent a great deal of time at the piano each day. The music was still gone, but I played through finished melodies, old songs that had come out of me through the years, using this opportunity to keep my hands warm and accustomed to the work.

After a while, Mika-san began discussing Eiri-kun with me again, conversations that had an air of two parents talking about a problem child. Clearly this was how she saw her role, and where she wanted me to see mine. "It's like he's a changed person," she complained. "He doesn't like talking to anyone, and only seems content when he's got a book or his computer in front of him and utter silence. He snarls at people who come into his room. I haven't seen him smile once." She sighed. "And he still says he doesn't remember anything, but he's so angry, so sullen all the time. I don't recognize him anymore."

This worrying trend in his behavior continued until even Mika-san started staying only an hour or two at the hospital. "I'm exhausted," she told me. "Fighting with him like this just exhausts me, the things he says, the way he looks at me…" Now it was I who held her when she cried with hopelessness, heads on each other's shoulders, almost-intimacy, almost-comfort. In those days when I grew to know her I began to respect her, then to be fond of her and her endless supply of stubbornness. She would cry on my shoulder, and the next day she would get up and go back, though the expression on her face was grim more often than cheerful.

I worried silently until, at the end of the second week, I convinced myself to go and see him. As it was, I couldn't make myself set foot in the hospital until after hours, aware of the possibility of running into Dr. Hamilton or someone else who recognized me during the day. I made my way in through the eternally open emergency room, then simply walked into the depths of the hospital with an air of knowing exactly where I was going and having a perfect right to be there. No one stopped me.

I found his room fairly quickly and walked in as if I belonged there, still worried about one of the night staff questioning my presence. Only when I had closed the door quietly behind me did I really look around.

The room was furnished like a fairly standard bedroom, with a chair and desk aside from the bed and curtains over the window. He looked up from where he was curled into the armchair near the window, and for a moment, I didn't recognize him. Those wide golden eyes I had drowned in were narrowed and cold when they looked at me. "You're not the doctor. I didn't ask for you."

I made myself smile, go and sit on the edge of the bed. "Yes, I know you didn't. I decided to come and see you anyway."

"Oh, whatever. Anyone's better than her, anyway. Except Mika. Mika doesn't know when to shut up." He set aside his book and stretched, then let his eyes meet mine again. "What can I do for you, Seguchi-san?" He let out a laugh at the clear relief in my eyes at being recognized, but his expression could hardly be called a smile. "Yeah, impressive, isn't it? You'd think it was a miracle, remembering someone's name. Mika said you were worried."

"Of course I was worried. I'm glad you know who I am. But you never called me Seguchi-san before."

"Didn't I?" Again that half smile. "Sorry, that part's a little fuzzy. Is there a problem with that? It's nice and polite, isn't it? My stupid sister says I've turned into an impolite brat."

I could hardly believe that this was the same Eiri-kun I knew. "Yes, it's polite."

He shrugged. "Are you going to tell me why you're here already? Say whatever you need to say so you can go. I don't want to talk to anyone."

I had to clasp my hands in my lap to keep them from shaking. "What's happened to you?" I whispered. I did this. I made him like this.

He laughed, the expression on his face mirthless. "That's the trick, isn't it? I don't remember, so they keep me locked up in here like a zoo animal and treat me like a bomb on a timer." He leaned forward, and those narrowed eyes glittered coolly. "Want to know a secret?" he said. "I remember some things. I'm not as stupid as they think I am. I shot someone, didn't I?" I felt the shock showing on my face. He nodded, satisfied, and for a moment, his face was almost normal, if sad. "I thought so. Someone very important to me…" He shrugged the sadness off and was back to the sickly sarcasm. "I don't remember who, though. They say I should remember some things later, so maybe eventually I'll figure it out, but I guess it doesn't really matter if they haven't told me anything. If they're going to let it drop without blaming someone, I'd have to be a real ass to tell them I shot someone. Then they'd keep me locked up like a zoo animal even longer, and hell if I want that. Though maybe prison is better than here. What do you think?"

I was thinking of that night spent in holding, the bare stone walls, the glances my way that clearly said "murderer". But I said nothing, partly because it would do him no good to know I had taken the blame, partly because this angry, cynical creature in front of me was completely foreign.

"I guess you wouldn't know," he said dismissively, then yawned. "Too much talking's made me tired. I never talk so much. Are you going to go soon?" Closing my eyes for a moment to compose myself, I stood. "You know, Seguchi-san… I sort of remember you were there afterwards. I think maybe you were with me then…" I opened my eyes, but though the voice was almost normal Eiri-kun, the face was still cold. "But whenever I think about that too much I get a headache," he finished flippantly. "That means you're probably the one who had them bring me here, aren't you? I think I might hate you for that." He said it mildly, as though it was nothing spectacular. "Are you going to give me a straight answer as to when the hell I get out of here? I feel fine."

"Soon," I said, turning my back on him and heading to the door so that he couldn't see my face.

"Yeah, I thought so. You're just like the rest of them. That's why I didn't want to talk to you."

I closed the door behind me and silently walked out of the hospital and into the night.


They discharged him a few days later on Mika-san's angered insistence, and she brought him home. He walked in, looked around, then winced and put his hand on his forehead. "I have a headache. I'm going to lie down," he said without so much as a greeting. My heart beat a little too fast when he headed down the hallway that led to my bedroom, then skipped painfully when he opened the door to the bathroom, looked at it in confusion, slammed it, and came back into the living room where Mika-san and I were watching him.

Silently, she took his hand and led him to his room. There was the sound of another door slamming, then she came back, her expression pinched with worry and barely suppressed anger. "Sometimes, I want to slap him," she confided to me.

I couldn't stand being there with the two of them, not like this, so I was pitifully relieved that our flight back to Japan left the next day. K-san, missing in action since the first night, came to pick us up. He spoke jovially over his shoulder to Mika-san on the way to the airport. Both Eiri-kun and I stayed silent.

He wasn't verbose as he had been the night I had visited him. In fact, he was completely silent, arms crossed and looking out of the window with an expression that was more displeasure than anything else. After a while, it hurt just a little too much to watch him, so I turned my head away from the mirror where I had been watching his reflection and towards my own window. It was a hot, muggy day, and everything was eerily still as it slipped by beyond the window. I looked but didn't see the last pieces of my dream slipping away.


Once we were through customs in Narita Airport, K-san had led me towards the exit and Mika-san had taken Eiri-kun in the direction of their connecting flight. Only a quick good-bye had been said, Eiri-kun's first words since we had boarded the plane in New York, his face looking as though it pained him to say anything at all. Mika-san had smiled slightly and reached over to squeeze my hand, easy intimacy she had grown used to in the time we had spent being each other's leaning posts, and then they had gone the other way, disappearing into the crowd, and that was it.

I didn't really look around as I walked, which explained why an excited squeal was my only warning before I was banged into from two directions at once and went down like a felled tree, arms flailing, the hat and sunglasses the careful K-san had made me don flying off.

It was chaos for a moment as I tried to extricate myself, and we were clearly gathering an audience. I was still disoriented when someone shoved the hat back onto my head none too gently, and when I lifted my eyes I met a dancing violet gaze I hadn't seen in what seemed like forever, just as K-san grabbed her by the collar and hauled her off of me. He had the back of Ryuichi-san's jacket in his other hand, and the singer, whose sunglasses were crooked on his face, looked properly chastised. "Will you two please think on occasion where and who you are?" K-san growled.

I stood, brushing at my clothing somewhat futilely, wondering where my glasses had gone exactly and just how many bruises I had collected.

"That's… It can't be-"

"It is! SAKUMA-SAN!"

"And that's Seguchi Tohma!"

"Noriko-chan!"

"Nittle Grasper!"

"All three of them!"

"I thought they broke up!"

"Nittle Grasper is here!"

"It's Nittle Grasper!"

"Shit," said K-san. Then, "Run." We ran.


"That's one way to welcome you home," Noriko-san laughed breathlessly when we were safely in a car with tinted windows. I had been shoved unceremoniously in the middle between her and Ryuichi-san, and both of them had latched on to me immediately.

"I bet you haven't run from a mob in a while, huh Tohma?" Ryuichi-san piped up, joining her laughter. "I nearly lost Kumagoro! Thank you for protecting him, K!"

"The next time you're stupid I'll let the fans have the rabbit," K-san said ominously. "I told you two to stay home today."

"And you actually expected us to do what you said why, exactly?" Noriko-san asked. She followed this up by hugging me awkwardly around the waist. "I haven't seen you in ages. A hundred years at least. Hi, by the way."

"You're right; we never said hello na no da! We're such bad friends!" Ryuichi-san's arms hooked around my neck and the two of them were effectively hanging off of me once again. "Okaeri, Tohma!"

"Okaeri nasai!" Noriko-san echoed.

I found it was a little easier than it had been to smile. "Tadaima."


There were smiles and laughter all the way back to my apartment. Mostly I let them talk, but I put in a word occasionally when it seemed it was expected of me. It was wonderful to see them again, but I still felt leaden, tired, and unhappy. I wanted to get to my apartment and be left alone; however much I loved them both, Ryuichi-san's childish banter and Noriko-san's enthusiasm didn't at all fit with my frame of mind.

"You have to come see me tomorrow," Noriko-san said, attempting a glare that melted into a smile. "You still haven't met Saki, and she's two months old soon. You've been very neglectful."

"Where Seguchi-san has to go tomorrow is work," K-san said from the driver's seat. "As do both of you. It's time you stopped slacking off. You've probably forgotten how to sing."

"I have not either!" Ryuichi-san protested indignantly, whereupon he began singing along with the radio at full volume.

"After work, then," Noriko-san said, talking over him (she nearly had to shout). "God, it's good to have you back. You have no idea how much we've missed you. There hasn't been anyone to make pithy comments. Not that you're too talkative today."

"Seguchi-san's exhausted," K-san interrupted. "Ryuichi, for the love of God, I was wrong, you can still sing, you've proven yourself, shut up."

The sudden silence rang in my ears. "Exhausted," I echoed K-san. "That's right."

Noriko-san seemed to buy this excuse and resumed chattering at me up until the very moment I was dropped off in the back of my building, seeing as the news of my return seemed to have spread, as there were a few girls standing across the street from the main entrance, being watched by displeased doormen.

"We'll see you tomorrow," Noriko-san said. She kissed my cheek before letting me scoot out of the car behind Ryuichi-san who had already bounced out.

I made my goodbyes and entered the building feeling rather relieved. The feeling of peace didn't last long, however, only up to the point where I had shut my own door behind me and looked around.

The familiar space had been well-cared for in my absence: there wasn't a speck of dust to be seen, and everything was gleaming. I took off my shoes, my jacket and my hat, hung the jacket in the closet and put the hat on the table, and walked in, my feet sinking silently into carpet.

In a way, it was better than being in New York. There were no memories here, at least none as strong as the ones in that apartment, in what already seemed another life. I walked into the living room and experimentally struck a few notes on the piano. It was perfectly in tune.

I did a round of the house, more to have something to do than anything else. I saw my luggage had already been delivered but I didn't feel like unpacking the three heavy suitcases now. Eventually, I ended where I had begun, in the living room and feeling somehow that I had walked into someplace that did not really belong to me, though that was ridiculous. This had been my home far longer than the apartment in New York.

Just as my thoughts turned dark, I heard a key in the lock. Confused, I looked into the entrance hall without the slightest idea of who it might be to behold Ryuichi-san calmly closing the door behind him and stepping out of his shoes. He looked up, clearly aware I was there, and beamed. "Noriko-chan gave me her key," he told me, at explained his presence. Without giving me a chance to react he walked past me and into the kitchen. A few moments later I heard the noise made by the electric teapot. I followed him into the kitchen to see he was every bit as comfortable with it as with his own, pulling a teapot and a canister of tea off of their respective shelves, gathering together cups, spoons and a canister of sugar, never having to look for anything. "Tea's good when you're tired. And since you didn't tell us you were coming back until the day before, there isn't too much here."

I stared at him dumbly as he made the tea. "You know, I had to leave Kumagoro with Noriko-chan so that K wouldn't know I came here," he said, making a face. "K put a tracking device in him so he wouldn't lose me. I hope he's not mad at me."

I finally found something to say. "Kumagoro, or K-san?"

"Kumagoro of course," Ryuichi-san said with a laugh. "K's always mad at me. Noriko-chan wanted to come, but she left Saki with her husband, and anyway, I asked her not to, since I wanted to come by myself." He finished with the tea and walked over to offer me a cup. "Here."

I took the cup automatically as he went back to put spoonful after spoonful into his own. "Not that I'm not glad to see you, Ryuichi-san, but why exactly did you come?"

His hands slowed, which was a blessing since his teacup was about to overflow from all the sugar he had dumped into it. "Because you're not happy, of course." When he looked up at me this time, his face was adult and serious, nothing like the childlike mask of moments ago. "When you work so hard to smile all the time, even those times when you don't want to, it's easy to see when someone else is doing it, too. Especially when that someone else is the person who matters most in the world." He smiled, a little sadly. "You left so happy, and came back so sad," he said. "Your smile is the same, but your eyes aren't."

I sunk into a chair, sick of pretending, knowing when he was insightful like this nothing got past him, anyway. He walked over and tilted up my chin with his hand to study my face. "So sad, I think maybe your heart is breaking," he finished softly. "And I'm scared, so scared for you because that's not something you can glue back together. So I came. There isn't much else I can do for you, but at least you don't have to pretend with me. I won't give you away."

Completely undone by his words and the sympathy in his eyes, I let my head fall forward to rest on his chest, relaxed into the arms that came around me, and let the tears that had been locked away out. For a long time he held me while I cried out all of the pain and frustration that had been building up, and said nothing.