Shooting Stars
Chapter Twenty: Two Lies and a Truth
Author's notes: That was… such hell… to write. This chapter is so, so emotionally not good for me. It hurts. So badly. Ouch. Even the sheer WTF?-ness of Ryuichi cursing cannot numb the pain. Ow. Shit, this is going to be so hard to do for a while… maybe I will alternate this with the Yami fic after all. At least that one is happy…
I have hired K to protect me from the angry rabid T/R fans after this chapter. Just… so you know.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. Oh, but apparently I'm a sadist.
I have always been a good problem solver. I suppose that comes from the logical bend of my mind—find the problem, take it apart, put it back together so that it makes sense, produce a solution. It was a process I had been through hundreds of times, and it had never failed me.
When I looked at the newspapers K-san had shoved at me, for a moment I had no idea whatsoever how to go about solving this one. I must have gaped blindly as I tried to resist the gravitational pull that was pulling me inexorably towards the floor. Somehow, after the first few moments of horrified silence, my mind started coming back together and I was able to settle myself onto the piano bench instead of falling into a graceless heap, let go of the piano and even meet K-san's eyes. His regard was speculative and angry.
"This is ugly," I said.
"That's a mild word," he responded.
"I didn't notice anyone photographing us." Though at the time there had been very little I was noticing, and since I had spent the evening wandering around and even talking to people in the street, it wasn't a huge surprise that someone would have known me.
"I should hope not. I never said you're stupid." He picked up the newspaper, looked like he wanted to use it for target practice, and threw it disgustedly on the floor. "Not usually stupid," he amended.
"I suppose I deserve that." My brain was working feverishly, taking this problem to its most basic level and searching for a way, any way, to put things right. "If we let the papers print like that, I'm going to ruin our career, aren't I?"
"Most likely. I'm going to ask you one more time, Seguchi: what is going on with you and this family? I haven't pried into your personal life out of respect but it's a little too late to play hide and seek with me. We don't have time for children's games."
"Of course not. We have to counterattack." And suddenly, just like that, the solution fell into place.
I smiled and began to lie.
I continued lying, for an eternity it seemed, leaving just enough truth in my words to keep everything credible.
"I can't believe how poised you are," Mika-san told me, sitting back exhaustedly in the limo across from me. She had been quick to respond to my desperate call the day before, and was already in Tokyo late that night. In the twenty-four hours since, I had unashamedly thrust her into the spotlight in front of me, and though she was unused to it and shaky, she was bearing up under the burden. "You never stop smiling. When we walked in there, it seemed like they wanted to tear you to pieces."
"They did," K-san told her, lounging on the seat next to me.
"If you go in knowing that, it's a little easier," I told her.
"If you go in wanting to tear them to pieces it's easiest," K-san suggested.
"Try not to kill anyone important," I sighed. I sipped at the cup of espresso I had immediately gotten from the small limo bar and tried to relax now that the last of the interviews were done.
When I had called Mika-san and told her she was scheduled for the next flight into Tokyo, she hadn't argued with me. "Get them to hold the article one day," I had told K-san as I went out to meet her.
"And how am I supposed to do that?" he had asked, though with considerably less fury than earlier.
"Find a way," I said. "You're resourceful. I'll call you to say what time I'll be in tomorrow."
"Fine." Having that answer I slammed out, never doubting he would do what I had asked, not stopping to question when I had started ordering him and not the other way around.
When she came in, I told her, "Life's going to be hell for a few days. Just so you're aware." I sighed. "We have to save Eiri-kun." He was the first thing on my mind, even before saving my reputation and the life of the band. "It's going to be ugly, probably, but we have to do it anyway."
I loved her for nodding grimly and saying, "It doesn't matter if it's ugly."
I left my curtains drawn back that morning, something I never did. Though generally I felt safe enough in a high-rise, I knew the media hounds were out for my blood. They would notice.
They did, of course. The first call requesting an interview and demanding the identity of the mystery brunette came in to K-san when the office was just barely open. I ignored it, and the others that followed as we made sure to be seen, and often, over the course of the day. "Get me a conference room for tonight," I told K-san darkly that afternoon. "The vultures are circling."
They flocked in, hungry for gossip and scandal, and I met them with a disarming smile, opening the conference by presenting Mika-san, in a neat business suit at my side, as my charming fiancée.
That actually managed to strike them speechless for a few moments—K-san really had been thorough in keeping her out of the media—and then the hands began to wave and the questions began to fly. I had only waved my hands at them, waiting for them to settle down before I spoke.
"Unfortunately, it seems my personal life is no longer personal since so many people know my name." I smiled sadly. "I suppose I can understand the public wanting the details of my life, and generally I let the media have their way. After all, you're only doing your jobs, like I am.
"But when it isn't just my privacy that is breached, I must admit I am more than a little upset, especially when I discover the media is set to print lies, filthy ones, just to sell a few papers. I don't mind you doing your jobs, but your job is telling the truth, isn't it?"
"Seguchi-san, isn't it true that you-"
"We have it on excellent sources that when Nittle Grasper was on hiatus you-"
"At that time Uesugi Eiri also-"
I waved a hand again, never stopping smiling. "Please. It seems I've raised a great deal of confusion. Although I prefer to keep my private life private, it seems I will have to disclose a few details. For the sake of truth, if nothing else.
"Yes, I have been acquainted with Uesugi Eiri, and for many years, ever since he was still a small child. I will not deny that the photographs you have are legitimate, either, and the story isn't a pretty one, though it isn't any of the versions you imagined that paint me as a monster."
I leaned forward, casually touching Mika-san's hand, almost as if I did it unconsciously. I knew that would be seen and noted too, though. "As a matter of fact, I had wanted to wait before presenting Mika-san to the public. She's so lovely I realize I will have a hard time keeping her to myself, but it seems my little secret is out. Uesugi Mika," I said, smiling up at her. "Our families are old friends. Mika-san and I have been engaged to be married for almost ten years, since before the formation of Nittle Grasper. Initially the wedding date was set immediately after her graduation from high school, but when our songs first started becoming popular, I was encouraged by Mika-san's father to postpone the wedding. He didn't want his daughter exposed to the media, assuming correctly that she would lose any hope at privacy. Though neither of us were happy about his decision, we agreed. Fortunately, we had been planning to marry soon, in any case, so this isn't as badly timed as it could be."
I let my hand rest on hers again, as if calming her. "Eiri-san is… very much like a younger brother to me," I said, lacing my voice with sympathy. "He is a charming child who is, to my regret, of fragile health and bitterly unhappy. When I was given a production post in New York, it is true that he came along with me, although the time of the band's necessary hiatus, which had not been initiated by me, only happened to coincide with his semester abroad. The Uesugi family was reassured to know he would have a brother looking after him, because Mika-san was unable to accompany him and his father worried for his health."
Mika-san smiled lightly at me and nodded as I continued. "This week I was dealing with a nasty bit of family business in Kyoto. I'm sure Eiri-san is not the first teenager to rebel, get into fights and experiment with drinking, but I was certainly angry with him this weekend, when I came to Kyoto to visit the Uesugi family and had to go out and find him in the middle of the night because Uesugi-san is not as young as he once was and I was loath to let Mika-san go out alone at night." I sighed. "I do not like exposing my family's faults like this to the public," I complained. "I don't believe it should be necessary to expose Eiri-san to the media this way when he is still a child and his emotional state is so delicate. I would like him to have a good life, and that is one of the reasons I was so quick to be angry at him for his bad judgment, and the reason I became so angry with the press for twisting something they saw without consulting with me."
The lies and truth mixed together and slipped easily off of my tongue. "Here are the truths you are looking for. I did not put the bruises on Eiri-san's face, though I do admit I lost my temper when I saw how badly he was hurt. I certainly have no feelings for him outside of a strong brotherly affection. I do not have, and have never had, any relationship outside of this one with him, and it disgusts and frustrates me that you would assume such a thing of me. I do not believe I have ever given the media any reason to hate me, yet it seems you are willing to think the worst of me without any proof whatsoever. I love my fiancée, who is an intelligent, mature and lovely woman. Eiri-san is a child, a child I would like to protect from himself and those around him. I watched him grow up, and sometimes it is difficult to remember he is not actually my brother. I can only pray that the media will respect that and leave him alone from now on." Whether I told the truth or I lied, the open, smiling expression on my face never changed. Several of the reporters in front of me had the decency to look properly chastised.
"You'll understand, I hope, that it is very difficult to see someone close to you suffer. I can only hope you can forgive me for trying to be a good brother as well as a good musician, as well as for keeping my engagement a secret, for which I do apologize most profoundly to all of my fans. I hope you can see why I would do what I did, however." I took Mika-san's hand in mine and gifted her with a smile I knew came off just short of adoring. "Surely, surely, you can understand loving someone enough to keep them to yourself." And to lie through your teeth to keep them safe. "If you have anything else you would like me to clear up, I will be glad to hear it," I finished.
Then the questions came pouring in, but they were different from the earlier ones, and the journalists were smiling at us. Some of the sillier females looked a little teary.
I answered the questions about the date of the wedding—in a little under a year (and it would be hell to arrange with even that much notice considering my career, but we had no choice whatsoever)—readily enough, and urged Mika-san to answer the questions that were posed to her. She was charming and regal—perfect. The one journalist who dared voice a question about Eiri-kun's supposed bad health received such a tragic look from her that she shut her mouth on a squeak, and no one else dared to ask. A few wanted to know if Ryuichi-san, too, had a fiancée secreted away somewhere, to which I laughed jovially and told them they would have to pose the question to him personally, as it was not my place to discuss his personal life. The rest of the questions were in the same vein, cheerful demands to disclose more of my personal secrets mixed with congratulations for Mika-san and all the best wishes for our upcoming marriage. By the time K-san escorted us out to the limousine, all of the reporters were smiling. We smiled back until the moment the limo doors closed behind us and we were protected by tinted glass, then collapsed into the seats opposite each other.
That was when she commented on my poise, which was slipping now that there was no one to impress. K-san didn't really count—I realized he knew at least part of what I had fed the media had been an outright lie, but he didn't say anything about it. "You will be on the covers of everything tomorrow morning, Mika-san," he said instead. "You have no personal life anymore."
"That's all right," she said bravely, not at all aware of what this meant yet. "It would have come someday."
"Your family, too," I said sadly. "I asked them to keep them out of it, but they won't." I could only hope Eiri-kun was intelligent enough not to tell them to fuck off if they came sniffing around him. If he only had enough self-control to ignore them… "You will need to call home and have your father keep both of the boys from going to school for a few days until this dies down." I planned to keep her here with me and largely in the public view for as long as it took for the story to be replaced with something new.
"I will," she said. "I suppose we have to go out to dinner and smile at a great deal of people tonight?"
"Unfortunately," I grimaced. "We had a dress picked up for you by someone in wardrobe." Just like the suit she wore that day had been, and whatever other clothing items had been sent ahead to my apartment for her. She would need to go on a shopping spree once I told her how long she would have to stay. It would probably be a long time.
"I can hardly complain then," she said. She looked at me and smiled. There was genuine gratefulness on her face. "Thank you."
"I wouldn't thank him," K-san said. "This isn't half as entertaining as it seems, at first."
But I knew what she was thanking me for. "You're welcome." After all, I love him too.
It was very late when we got home that night. It was a relief to get behind the guarded doors of my building and away from the media, who had never been far from us at any point in the evening. "Do they always hunt you like that?" Mika-san asked in the elevator, examining her reflection in the mirrored walls critically and tucking a lock of long hair behind her ear.
"Nearly. It isn't usually this bad. I expect it will be, though, for a while," I told her. I wondered if I should apologize, but there had been no choice but to feed her to the media dogs. Better her than him. "It should die down in a few weeks. They have short attention spans, and something else always comes along."
"Am I staying here for a few weeks then?" she asked, smiling brightly.
"I hope your father doesn't mind it."
"I can handle my father." She strode out of the elevator, confident in the painfully high heels the wardrobe department had provided for her. "I haven't been here in a while. Thanks for having me."
I followed silently behind her to open the door. There was a light on behind the kitchen door. When we walked in, the door opened and Ryuichi-san barreled out of there like an energetic cannonball. "Tohma, you're home! I thought you'd never get here; I even ate without you. I tried calling but your phone was off…" To my utter horror, he had glomped onto me, chattering all the while, and only noticed Mika-san's presence when he looked up to behold her watching him with both eyebrows raised and her jaw hanging half-open. "Oh. Hi."
"What…" Mika-san trailed off. Clearly, she hadn't expected anyone in my apartment. To be frank, I hadn't either; I had thought he would know better.
"Ryuichi-san," I said stupidly, unable to come up with a better response than that.
"Yes?" he said, not letting go for an instant, as she found her voice to reply, "Yes, I know who he is, thank you."
"Please let go of me, Ryuichi-san," I said, trying not to show my growing discomfort. This apartment is enormous, why are we all crammed into the entrance hall like this? I can't breathe.
He did, looking mildly hurt. He smiled uncertainly at Mika-san. "Are you going to stay here for a while?"
"I'm going to live here," she said, answering him smile for smile, though there was nothing hesitant about hers, rather something predatory. "For longer than a while."
"Oh." He stepped away from me as much as he could considering the narrow nature of the hall.
"I hope I'm not intruding," she said, still smiling. "Tohma invited me."
I wanted to tell her to shut up when I saw the hurt, quickly hidden, in Ryuichi-san's eyes. "Of course not. I don't live here. Kumagoro and I just came to visit." He glanced at me for a moment with a look that seemed full of censure.
"I'm sorry, but we're both very tired," Mika-san said politely. "Perhaps you and Kumagoro could come back some other time."
I watched, horrified as Ryuichi-san drew himself up, looking furious for a moment, something I had never seen from him, before settling back into his childish demeanor, suddenly. "Of course. Let me go get him; he's finishing his tea." He disappeared into the kitchen and reappeared a few moments later with the rabbit. "Excuse us." He smiled up at me as he opened the door. "I'll see you at work, Tohma. Good night."
He closed the door to leave silence. Mika-san's eyes were cool and blue as she regarded me over the hat I had taken off and was holding in front of me like some sort of flimsy shield. "I doubt you have security problems, so I suppose he has a key?"
"He wasn't supposed to be here tonight," I said, wondering whether I was justifying myself or him. "I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter. Better him than some, I suppose. At least he won't sell you to the media and flush all your pretty words down the drain." She swept past me in a haze of expensive perfume and long, loose hair. "I know how far your loyalty to me extends. I'm not deluding myself. If you would be so kind though, could you try to refrain from parading your infidelity in front of me? It leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth."
It appeared I was once again the media darling. When I woke the next morning, the sheaf of newspapers that had been delivered to my door had nothing but praise for me. Not only had I come out with a squeaky-clean reputation, but I seemed to have gained popularity, if anything. Only one paper had printed as had been previewed—one of the cheaper tabloids that was known for shaky sources and uncertain witnesses. I could almost find humor in the irony of the fact that it was the only paper with the truth. I knew no one would pay attention to it.
I left Mika-san sleeping in my bed where she had silently retreated to the night before. I had spent the night in the living room, playing with the synthesizer on silent mode and finally falling into exhausted sleep on the couch for a few hours. I only went into my bedroom to pick up clothing for the day. It gave me a strange feeling to see her asleep in my bed, her hair spread like a blanket under her, breathing with her lips parted. She was beautiful, with the same high cheekbones and facial line as Eiri-kun but softened, more feminine. After watching her for a few moments, I turned away to my closet to dig out a fresh shirt. I would have plenty of time to get used to her sleeping in my bed.
The rest of my life. Time enough to get used to anything.
We worked on new songs that day, fitting melodies and words together. Ryuichi-san seemed off, though; nothing was coming out that we would want to keep, and eventually K-san called our lunch break an hour early, telling him to get some sugar or caffeine or something to put him back on track. "Come with me, Tohma," the singer demanded immediately.
Noriko-san shot a glance at him and said, "I'll stay here; I'm not hungry," so I followed him out by myself.
"Are you all right?" I finally dared to ask when we hit the candy machines in the deserted lunch room.
"Shouldn't I be?" he said instead of answering, studying the selection critically. "Strawberry pocky or chocolate?"
"Strawberry," I said. "You're not all right."
He pushed the buttons to select it. "If you know, why ask?"
"Because…" Why, indeed? "Because."
"I watched your press conference, you know," he told me, leaning over to retrieve the box, not looking into my eyes. "I wasn't going to come over, but then I thought, 'No, that's his media face, he hasn't told me anything is changing.'" He opened the box but didn't rip into the candy. "Maybe I wanted to see what you would do." He leaned into the corner made by the wall and the candy machine, his eyes down on the floor.
"Ryuichi-san…" I wanted to tread carefully, but didn't know how to. "It's a lot more complicated than you think it is."
"I know exactly how it is," he told me, shaking his head. "You're the one who doesn't."
"Ryuichi-san, she's my fiancée. We've been engaged for years. Since before I met you."
"I know. But it's an arranged marriage, a publicity marriage. It wasn't supposed to mean anything, was it?" He looked up at me then, and I realized there were tears at the corners of his eyes. "I know you aren't in love with her."
"No, I'm not," I said heavily, thinking of how beautiful she was, sleeping, and how little that had moved me.
"You're engaged to her," he continued, and his voice was low, almost a hiss, a contrast to the desperation in his eyes. "But I'm the one who holds you, I'm the one who dries your tears, I'm the one who keeps you sane, I'm the one you're kissing, I'm the one you're fucking, damn it all!" I knew my mouth was hanging open in blind shock; I had never heard anything remotely like this from him. It didn't sound right coming out in his voice—like some twisted alternate reality. "It's me, Tohma, I'm right here, will you start waking up to that fact, please?" The tears began to fall, and there was power in how pathetic and broken down he looked, suddenly. "Why, why, no matter what I do, will you not open up enough to let yourself love me?"
I couldn't think straight. "But you…"
"I know I never told you to," he said, finishing my unfinished sentence disgustedly for me. "I don't want to have to tell you to do it; I want you to realize you want to all by yourself. I don't want your pity or your guilt, I just want you to love me even half, a quarter, a hundredth as much as I love you. Why? Why? I've been waiting patiently and it's been almost two years and I know you don't love her. Why won't you love me?"
He reached up, took my face in his hands, and I was trapped by his desperate blue eyes. "Tell me," he said heavily. "The truth, Tohma. Please."
"Ryuichi-san… I do love you but…" I'm still too in love myself to love anyone else.
"But you aren't in love with me," he finished, pulling his eyes away, letting the tears fall to the floor now and releasing my face to hug himself around the chest. He looked utterly defeated—just how I felt.
And I gave him the truth. "No."
"I see. Is there anything at all I can do to change that?"
"I don't know."
"All right." I reached out a hand to him, but he stopped it with his before I could touch his shoulder. For a moment, I let him hold my wrist, then I let my hand drop back to my side as understanding came. "I can't do this right now," he said quietly. "It's my own fault. Tell K I'm taking the afternoon off."
"Ryuichi-san-"
"Tell him. I'm not going back in either case."
"All right." I moved aside so he could walk out of his corner without brushing past me, and watched him walk away until he disappeared in the elevator. Then I turned and headed back to the studio.
